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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think SIL is being a little bit racist?

122 replies

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 00:02

NC as this is massively outing. My nationality is not English, but I have lived in this country since I was a baby. My features, skin etc obviously give me away, but hearing me you would think I was an average Brit. I speak my native language BADLY and my family take the piss out of my accent, etc. Anyway...

The reason I think it may be slightly rooted in racism is that DH and SIL are white and I am not. All his previous girlfriends were white and then he married me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2. In that time SIL has had a few kids and is always talking about babies/adoption. Mostly harmless but she will slip into territory I am uncomfortable with. We'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and out of nowhere she will ask me things like:
"Sunny, why is child abuse so prolific in your country?"
"Sunny, why don't you lot like having children?" [note: DH and I are childfree and my home country has a low birth rate].
"Sunny, why are there so many children up for adoption in your country?"

I bat these away with vague answers, but recently she has got it in her head that she's going to adopt a child from my home country. She is sending me links, articles and videos to adoption sites. I'm really not interested but don't feel like I can rock the boat. She has no plans to learn the language DH is conversational and keeps saying that I can talk with the kid to make it feel at home!

Never mind that we live on opposite ends of the country, she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family. I think that she has got to be winding me up, except this has been going on for years, who can be bothered to keep a 'joke' like this going for so long?

OP posts:

InsideNo7 · 30/11/2020 00:05

That’s very odd. I actually think she’s being a big bit racist.

AcornAutumn · 30/11/2020 00:07

“think that she has got to be winding me up, except this has been going on for years, who can be bothered to keep a 'joke' like this going for so long?”

A really nasty piece of work, that’s who does that. I’d refuse to have contact.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/11/2020 00:15

sounds racist, but I suppose she might have biased media sources and genuinely be curious.

Maybe DH would be more neutrally placed to get to the bottom of her obsession? (and she is his family) and tell her to butt out if it the comments are from racist bias rather than genuine curiosity; and probably even if they are from curiosity, let her know that she is being very offensive and insensitive.

berrygirlie · 30/11/2020 00:15

Big bit racist. Especially the child adoption part, it has passive-aggressive white saviour written all over it. How do you feel, OP? Hope you're okay.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/11/2020 00:16

Is she ignorant? I guess racism is ignorance but it's trivialising it to say someone is just ignorant of they are racist when they are vile and hateful- but is she too stupid to realise she is causing offence?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/11/2020 00:17

didnt't spot the 'going on for years' comment at the end - just tell her she is being offensive and don;t have anything more to do with her - DH's problem.

Gremlinsateit · 30/11/2020 00:17

Big bit racist.

frazzledasarock · 30/11/2020 00:18

Nah. Your SIL is racist and a nasty angry woman. She’s been trying to get a ride out of you for years by the sound of things. She’s probably hoping for a big fight and the chance to blame it on your ethnicity.

I’d completely ignore her and block her.

Yellownotblue · 30/11/2020 00:20

I completely get you OP. It is racist, not because it is intolerant or hateful, but because it is focusing on alterity, I.e. how you are different from her, and how “your” country/race is different. It is reducing you to your skin colour, and it is all the more frustrating when you are clearly British and have spent your whole life here.

DH is a different ethnicity from me and we have had to deal with my relatives making comments like this. For instance, I was once told I shouldn’t get my 3 year old the spy kit he wanted for Christmas, because he might turn into a terrorist 🤨.

My BIL once scheduled DH to have coffee with one of BIL’s clients, for no reason other than BIL wanting to show his client he knows another brown person. It was awkward to say the least. DH is a saint to have humoured him.

You have every right to be irritated by SIL. She sounds like a twit.

SummerTimeSunshine · 30/11/2020 00:21

Bin her off. I'm amazed you've put up with it!

DearFriend · 30/11/2020 00:21

Yeah she is racist.

JamaicanJamboree · 30/11/2020 00:28

Racist, ignorant and utterly tedious I would say.
Stand your ground and call her out on this every single time or alternatively go NC. She sounds like a huge energy drain at best.

saraclara · 30/11/2020 00:41

"I've no idea what the answer is to your questions, SIL. I left that country when I was a baby"

Rinse and repeat until she shuts up.

CheetasOnFajitas · 30/11/2020 00:44

Can you smoke her out by saying “OK, let’s sit down and talk about the culture in my country of birth. Make sure you bring your DH along because he is adopting too, not just you. Oh and I’ve asked my Mum to join us because she has so much more insight into the culture than me. Next Sunday OK? This is such a amazing thing you are doing.”

SapphireSeptember · 30/11/2020 00:50

That sounds horrendous and you've the patience of a saint to have put up with it for so long. She sounds massively racist to me and if I had to deal with her I'd go low or no contact.

Luciferthecat666 · 30/11/2020 00:54

Yes she is being racist and ignorant! She sounds like a snide twat.

^
This in a nutshell!

Original poster

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 00:58

Thanks everyone, I do feel better and supported. I was starting to think I was paranoid and reading too much into it.

JamaicanJamboree

We're pretty low contact as it is to be honest with you. Pre-covid we'd see her family (so her, her DH, DC) no more than twice a year. Lockdown has made it worse because she's messaging me a LOT now, whereas before it was limited to those get togethers.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2

She's always "just wondering" things. But it's never in general, and never issues close to HER home.

frazzledasarock

Big fight is exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm not very confrontational, whereas she's always outraged about something. Child abuse, animal rights, teenagers, whatever the hot topic is. Sounds awful written like that, it's not that I don't care about those issues, but it's pretty tiring to talk about awful things all the time.

I once ALMOST got into a big fight with her because of George Floyd. I shared an article on Facebook about it and she was was making snide comments about his past crimes and I said that police had no right to play judge, jury and executioner, regardless of a person's history. She couldn't understand how I could defend him and there were comments about "sides", I ended up deleting the whole post.

Yellownotblue

Good grief, your poor DH and son!

OP posts:

Flatpackback · 30/11/2020 01:01

Is there such a thing as “a little bit racist”? How would that be possible?

blackgerbil · 30/11/2020 01:07

It does sound racist. But it also sounds like there's something else going on here as well. Why is she so focused on babies and adoption? Is this her (very poor) way of trying to encourage you to have children so she can be an Aunt? Whatever the reason it's very rude and I'd tell her to stop. Otherwise just immediately change the subject every time it comes up and make sure DH does the same.

Yellownotblue · 30/11/2020 01:10

OP after your last post, I’ve changed my mind. Your SIL is racist and a dimwit. I don’t know what to suggest other than don’t engage with her anymore.

Sorry you have to deal with that, it’s totally not on.

And yes, my relatives are awful, I have persistently called out their behaviour and will continue to do so. We are very low contact as live on a different continent, haven’t seen them in years.

Userzzz · 30/11/2020 01:10

Is there a prevalence of child abuse and children up for adoption in your country?
Some countries have higher rates than others, not sure why that’s considered racist?

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/11/2020 01:18

It does sound racist, but could you just be being ignorant.
Maybe she thinks she is being supportive and by asking you and involving you showing your opinion matters.
I don't know, it seems maybe you should tell her how you feel, that you find it offence if she continues than you will have your answer but maybe she just needs some education.

popsydoodle4444 · 30/11/2020 01:21

Your SIL is a twat.

Yes she's racist and very ignorant to boot.

JamaicanJamboree · 30/11/2020 01:24

Lockdown has made it worse because she's messaging me a LOT now, whereas before it was limited to those get togethers

If I were you I would be ignoring her racist and ignorant messages. Why do you feel you have to respond to them and engage with her?
From your update it sounds like she can’t be reasoned with anyway. I assume she saw what the police officer did to George Floyd whilst the others just stood around watching and yet she still thinks that is acceptable? He was guilty of being black and that was enough for them. It was horrifying, how would she feel if that had been one of her relatives or ‘adopted child’? Anyway I digress, I’m now being drawn into her incoherent ramblings.

Either stand up to her each and every time or go NC. Life is far too short to put up with this nonsense. I personally would have cut her out of my life long ago.

Meraas · 30/11/2020 01:26

She’s not a bit racist, she’s a lot racist. I would either stop replying or reply back each time challenging her racism.

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