AIBU to think SIL is being a little bit racist?

[SunnySideEye]

NC as this is massively outing. My nationality is not English, but I have lived in this country since I was a baby. My features, skin etc obviously give me away, but hearing me you would think I was an average Brit. I speak my native language BADLY and my family take the piss out of my accent, etc. Anyway...

The reason I think it may be slightly rooted in racism is that DH and SIL are white and I am not. All his previous girlfriends were white and then he married me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2. In that time SIL has had a few kids and is always talking about babies/adoption. Mostly harmless but she will slip into territory I am uncomfortable with. We'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and out of nowhere she will ask me things like:
"Sunny, why is child abuse so prolific in your country?"
"Sunny, why don't you lot like having children?" [note: DH and I are childfree and my home country has a low birth rate].
"Sunny, why are there so many children up for adoption in your country?"

I bat these away with vague answers, but recently she has got it in her head that she's going to adopt a child from my home country. She is sending me links, articles and videos to adoption sites. I'm really not interested but don't feel like I can rock the boat. She has no plans to learn the language DH is conversational and keeps saying that I can talk with the kid to make it feel at home!

Never mind that we live on opposite ends of the country, she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family. I think that she has got to be winding me up, except this has been going on for years, who can be bothered to keep a 'joke' like this going for so long?

I'd say she's either

1. racist
2. thick Or 3) both

she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family

Bit judgemental yourself ?

Oh I would definitely tell her "why dont you just adopt an english kids, there are millions that have just been abandoned by their families or have been taken away from abusive homes. Then you dont have to worry about dragging a poor child away from the country it knows and bringing them to live with you when you cant even communicate with them."

cdtaylornats

she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family

Bit judgemental yourself?

This is just a statement of fact. They live in a 2 bed flat with 3 DC, I don't know what they will do once the boy is a bit older.

I don't know much about adoption, but surely you have to demonstrate that you have the space and means to take care of a new child?

This is what's making me think she could just be trying to wind me up and isn't serious about adoption.

Nottherealslimshady

Sorely tempted!

I would be asking my DH to have a strong word with her. Why has he not done that already?

Tell her to do something about it if it worries her and that you are not interested in talking about it. She's racist and probably ill informed/lives in echo chambers with other prejudiced people. She's also having a dig at her brother by going on all the time. I cut all contact even though it's easier said than done :D

Being "a little bit racist" is like being "a little bit pregnant".

I can't be arsed to talk to white people about racism any more. The ones that don't get it are totally blind to the entire issue.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race

I hope you are not too tired op. Or feeling too wound up after all this discussion. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this and feel that it’s actually your problem. It’s not, it’s hers.
From the majority of comments so far I hope you have realised that your SiL is very racist and quite uninformed. She may not realise just how racist she is as her views are widely shared and aired in some newspapers and media sites. It doesn’t excuse it, but may explain it.
She is also very rude and sounds really passive aggressive to me.
She needs to educate herself. That’s not your responsibility, it’s hers.
At the most you should be supporting her to think about what she is saying. That is not your job, but you may choose to if you think it’s worth it.
On the off chance that she is also trying to be friends and just doesn’t know how to engage you, you could try moving the conversation on to potentially more shared and interesting topics. She is clearly very needy. She sounds like hard work.

(and much love and care for your other difficulty- that is so tough. My heart goes out to you)

I would just stop responding- she will get the message.

She sounds very goady and childish. Why doesn't your husband tell her to stop?

Shes not a little bit racist OP. She is racist.

Every time she asks you one of these ignorant questions reply “in my country? You mean the UK? Surely you know just about as much as me as you’re from here too” and repeat. You can always ask her why she thinks xxx country is “your” country too. She’ll probably struggle to explain herself without bringing your appearance into it.

She won't be able to adopt a child if she already has 3 whilst in a 2 bed flat.

Ask similar questions about 'her country'. Hey, SIL, why does half of your country think some races are born lazier than others? SIL, why are the PISA test results in UK so bad, what's wrong with your education system? SIL, why do millions of children in such a rich country still live in poverty?

When she starts spluttering something about how it's noting to do with her, then it's an excellent time to remind her of some of the questions she has asked.

She is an ignorant racist and a tedious bore to boot. She's also callous: imagine if someone experiencing infertility problems were on the receiving end of that relentless tirade?

You don't need this kind of negativity in your life, OP. The fact that you even entertain this person shows you to be twice the person she is. It speaks much of your kindness in the face of her cruelty, but I think you seriously need to consider putting a stop to this now. You would be well within your rights to protect your mental health, block her avenues of communication and case engaging with her.

You don't have to have any kind of relationship with anyone, no matter who they are, who metes out this kind of mental abuse. I also hope you are okay

@LouiseTrees

Just tell her some home truths about her country. And point out that not everyone of the same nationality is the same.

But she’s asking the OP about ‘her country’, when she’s been here since she was a baby. The uk is her country. Her first language is English.

MN allows threads that ask very similar questions about the US and China. And then they just sit back and watch all the various opinions get posted.
So it seems to me from this thread that it’s a feature of MN that questions regarding a nation’s human rights violations, political chaos, or high rates of problem x is racism for any nationality other than American or Chinese.
After all if the OP were American and SILs questions were about the US rates of child abuse, their birth rate and private adoption practices would you all have said she’s racist?

Yeah, she's racist and thick by the sounds of it (they often go together).

Outfox her by sending her negative news articles every day and asking her random questions - "Hi SIL, I was just reading this article and wondering why so many British born men murder their partners, thought you might know?"
"Morning SIL, found this story about illiteracy in Derby (or wherever she lives) - so shocking. Thought you might know why English parents don't care about education?"

@PlanDeRaccordement

MN allows threads that ask very similar questions about the US and China. And then they just sit back and watch all the various opinions get posted. So it seems to me from this thread that it’s a feature of MN that questions regarding a nation’s human rights violations, political chaos, or high rates of problem x is racism for any nationality other than American or Chinese. After all if the OP were American and SILs questions were about the US rates of child abuse, their birth rate and private adoption practices would you all have said she’s racist?

Do you not think there might be a slight difference between an anonymous online discussion about social issues in a particular country, and singling out a relative who was born abroad to question about their country of birth?

But she’s asking the OP about ‘her country’, when she’s been here since she was a baby. The uk is her country. Her first language is English.

But OP is not a British citizen therefore the U.K. cannot be “her country”. It’s commonly recognised that your nationality denotes which country is your country. Racism is when you go by a person’s race and assume they are Chinese (for example) when their nationality is actually British or French or American. It’s not racism to go by a person’s nationality because if they are a citizen of country x, then that is their country regardless of where they have lived as a baby.

After all if the OP were American and SILs questions were about the US rates of child abuse, their birth rate and private adoption practices would you all have said she’s racist?

I see those and find them xenophobic especially since many of those posters have never lived there, ever set foot, or ignore their own history.

Do you not think there might be a slight difference between an anonymous online discussion about social issues in a particular country, and singling out a relative who was born abroad to question about their country of birth?

No. Either the questions are racist or not racist. That stands on its own and it should not matter whether you are saying them to a relative or a stranger on the internet.

*many of them, not all

This is racist and quite strange. She isn't treating you like an individual, expecting you to explain things that happen in your birth country that you barely lived in. Child abuse is quite prevalent here but I would never be able to explain why. Perhaps you could turn it back on her and ask the same questions back? The birth rate is also low here and child abuse quite common. Put her on the spot!

But OP is not a British citizen therefore the U.K. cannot be “her country”. It’s commonly recognised that your nationality denotes which country is your country.

Why so you assume OP is not a British Citizen? I know OP says her nationality is not British but it could mean she wasn’t born here. She’s lived here since she was a baby so the chances of her not being a naturalised British citizen are small.

I was naturalised within a year of arriving to the UK.

She might be racist, or she might read and/or watch biased media.