AIBU to think SIL is being a little bit racist?

[SunnySideEye]

NC as this is massively outing. My nationality is not English, but I have lived in this country since I was a baby. My features, skin etc obviously give me away, but hearing me you would think I was an average Brit. I speak my native language BADLY and my family take the piss out of my accent, etc. Anyway...

The reason I think it may be slightly rooted in racism is that DH and SIL are white and I am not. All his previous girlfriends were white and then he married me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2. In that time SIL has had a few kids and is always talking about babies/adoption. Mostly harmless but she will slip into territory I am uncomfortable with. We'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and out of nowhere she will ask me things like:
"Sunny, why is child abuse so prolific in your country?"
"Sunny, why don't you lot like having children?" [note: DH and I are childfree and my home country has a low birth rate].
"Sunny, why are there so many children up for adoption in your country?"

I bat these away with vague answers, but recently she has got it in her head that she's going to adopt a child from my home country. She is sending me links, articles and videos to adoption sites. I'm really not interested but don't feel like I can rock the boat. She has no plans to learn the language DH is conversational and keeps saying that I can talk with the kid to make it feel at home!

Never mind that we live on opposite ends of the country, she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family. I think that she has got to be winding me up, except this has been going on for years, who can be bothered to keep a 'joke' like this going for so long?

@phoenixrosehere

After all if the OP were American and SILs questions were about the US rates of child abuse, their birth rate and private adoption practices would you all have said she’s racist?

I see those and find them xenophobic especially since many of those posters have never lived there, ever set foot, or ignore their own history.

Yes I agree. That’s partly why this thread is bothering me. I’ve seen much worse said by MN posters regarding China and the US than what SIL is asking in those example questions about country x and it’s been judged to be perfectly alright, not at all racist. Etc etc.

@Meraas

But OP is not a British citizen therefore the U.K. cannot be “her country”. It’s commonly recognised that your nationality denotes which country is your country.

Why so you assume OP is not a British Citizen? I know OP says her nationality is not British but it could mean she wasn’t born here. She’s lived here since she was a baby so the chances of her not being a naturalised British citizen are small.

I was naturalised within a year of arriving to the UK.

Because in her OP she said “My nationality is not English” that means she is not a citizen. If she were a dual citizen she would be a national of both countries. I haven’t assumed anything.

Haven't RTFT. I don't think it is racism I've become very interested in countries with a high percentage of orphanages.
I have discussed the reason with a friend who comes from this country.
I also donate to these places and hope for real change.
I couldn't afford to adopt one it is very expensive it upsets me people using these countries for surrogates when there's babies in institutional homes.

I’m white and not English and not living in England so probably not entitled to an opinion, but I think your SIL sounds like she is your typical, virtue-signaling twat who has never been anywhere or actually done anything, but lives her life through social media and you are in fact, the coolest thing that has happened to her life! You DH is telling you to ignore he because he thinks she’s a dick because he knows she’s like. Condescending, and yes..... fucking racist.

@Meraas
Definition of “nationality” is The status of belonging to a particular nation by origin, birth, or naturalization.. OP saying she’s not a national means she’s not been naturalised. If you did not realise that is what nationality meant, then fair enough, but I can only go by what she said and the meanings of the words she used.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Do you not think there might be a slight difference between an anonymous online discussion about social issues in a particular country, and singling out a relative who was born abroad to question about their country of birth?

No. Either the questions are racist or not racist. That stands on its own and it should not matter whether you are saying them to a relative or a stranger on the internet.

there's a difference asking 'Why is there so much child poverty in x country' in a general discussion and 'Why is there so much child poverty in YOUR country' when the person asked has not been in that country since they were a baby. Clearly the aim is to point out that OP is a foreigner and immigrant and England is never going to be her country.

Why is there so much child poverty in YOUR country' when the person asked has not been in that country since they were a baby. Clearly the aim is to point out that OP is a foreigner and immigrant and England is never going to be her country
I think this is over thinking it.
She probably believes you are aware of what happens in the country. Do have any connections there cousins aunts.
Most people feel connected to their parents place of birth even if they've never been themselves.

So I am of Asian origin with a white British husband. As others have noted this is a sadly reasonably common form of racism. Your SIL is heavily focused on negativity with a culture which is not her own. Notably only negative points, nothing positive. Mentally she is using this to reinforce an already negative stereotype she has in her head, which equates to your culture being negative and inferior. One of my husband's relatives was always doing this and I simply do not respond and do not have contact unless I actually need to. I would pull anyone up under 90 who used the phrase "your people" or something similar.

I think she's being racist for all the reasons posters have said. Worse still she's being specifically racist to YOU about YOUR country of origin. Smacks of "saintly white saviour sets out to rescue poor babies from cruel backward nation" or similar.

I think there's another facet to it. I've noticed that sometimes people who have children think those that don't are judging or looking down on them. I know it's rubbish but some people seem actually offended by it. It's as if they think the child free person is thinking "ugh I don't want children because yours are shit" . SIL thinks you ought to have children, because she does, and how dare you think you're too good for such a life, you uppity so-and-so. Adopting a child from your country is a message to you "since you won't have a child, I'll HAVE to have one for you. Selfish you, lovely me" .

Disclaimer: I may be projecting because my mother was very much like this. When I was a (admittedly typically self centred) teen she announced she was going to adopt a Romanian orphan who'd show her the adoration and gratitude she deserved. (Spoiler: she didn't.)

@PlanDeRaccordement

Definition of “nationality” is The status of belonging to a particular nation by origin, birth, or naturalization.. OP saying she’s not a national means she’s not been naturalised. If you did not realise that is what nationality meant, then fair enough, but I can only go by what she said and the meanings of the words she used.

Plan, it's ridiculous of you patronise me with the definition of nationality give I told you I myself have been naturalised and I also acknowledged in my post that OP says her nationality is not British. Really unnecessary.

Sorry, poor choice of words on my part. Didn't mean to cause an argument.

I was naturalised and carry a British passport.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Do you not think there might be a slight difference between an anonymous online discussion about social issues in a particular country, and singling out a relative who was born abroad to question about their country of birth?

No. Either the questions are racist or not racist. That stands on its own and it should not matter whether you are saying them to a relative or a stranger on the internet.

The questions are racist, asking someone who's lived in the UK since she was a baby why things are the way they are in her country is racist, it's sad you can't see that.

Sorry, poor choice of words on my part. Didn't mean to cause an argument.

I was naturalised and carry a British passport.

No worries OP, it's common sense that people who have lived in the UK since they were a baby would be naturalised as British Citizens.

My DB was born overseas, and was only naturalised as a British citizen a couple of years ago. Our F was Czech who was naturalised as an Australian and at the time when he was born, British women couldn’t pass on their nationality to their children if they were born overseas. So my DB wasn’t British, despite having lived in this country for almost his whole life and our DM being fully British. (My DSis and I were born in this country so have always been British.)

But no one has ever plied him with questions about the Czech Republic or Australia. And there are all sorts of things that could have been thrown at him, for example the treatment of the Aborigine
population.

Why do you suppose that was? Because he happens to be white, no one thought to question whether he was actually British. So yes, it’s definitely racist. The only reason the OP’s SIL sees fit to carry on about this is because the OP isn’t white. She wouldn’t even think about it otherwise.

She sounds racist and annoying in equal measure. I'm curious though, the OP is clearly British in all but name (having never been naturalised). but sounds like the fact the OP doesn't have a British passport is fuelling her racism? (ie saying "your country" to another British citizen would be inexcusable but she thinks she can get away with this).

@PlanDeRaccordement

Do you not think there might be a slight difference between an anonymous online discussion about social issues in a particular country, and singling out a relative who was born abroad to question about their country of birth?

No. Either the questions are racist or not racist. That stands on its own and it should not matter whether you are saying them to a relative or a stranger on the internet.

Ridiculous. Context is everything, especially when it comes to racism.

A question like "where are you from?" may or may not be racist depending on who is asking, who is being asked and the context they are in.

Sorry, poor choice of words on my part. Didn't mean to cause an argument. I was naturalised and carry a British passport.
Oh, apolgies didnt see update. Well, in that case I'd just tell your SIL directly to stop being racist. As country X is no more "my country" than it is yours.

Cam77

I do have a British passport, apologies for the confusion. It's not really the point though, I suspect that even if I was born here she would still have these questions as I don't look "British"

I’m white and not English and not living in England so probably not entitled to an opinion, but I think your SIL sounds like she is your typical, virtue-signaling twat who has never been anywhere or actually done anything, but lives her life through social media and you are in fact, the coolest thing that has happened to her life! You DH is telling you to ignore he because he thinks she’s a dick because he knows she’s like. Condescending, and yes..... fucking racist.

Nail on head, I think. She thinks she can get away with the racism because she tries to balance it out with the virtue signalling. Racism or not, she sounds horrible.

OK, let’s sit down and talk about the culture in my country of birth. Make sure you bring your DH along because he is adopting too, not just you. Oh and I’ve asked my Mum to join us because she has so much more insight into the culture than me. Next Sunday OK? This is such a amazing thing you are doing.

I would also be tempted to go with this passive aggressive approach. Or you could just ask if she has contacted social services yet in order to be approved as suitable for adoption. (If she doesn't already have enough bedrooms for her existing family she will be refused before they even delve into her and her DH's character!)

She is also pretty stupid expecting you to know all about your birth country if you haven't lived there since you were a baby.

If she asks you anything in future, I would just say, 'I don't know, I would have to Google it the exact same way as you could!'

Ugh mega white saviour complex alert. Think she's definitely being racist. You need to tell her that just because you're of xyz origin doesn't mean you have any more insight into that country than she does because you've never lived there! Your SIL sounds thick as pig shit tbh- but ignorance and racism are best friends so that makes sense.

She probably believes you are aware of what happens in the country. Do have any connections there cousins aunts.
Most people feel connected to their parents place of birth even if they've never been themselves.

OP is a British citizen and lived in England (practically) her entire life. SIL still keeps calling the other place 'your country'. My dad is from another country but I would be very if someone started referring to that place as my country and assuming I have in depth knowledge of that country's politics and socioeconomics.