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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think SIL is being a little bit racist?

122 replies

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 00:02

NC as this is massively outing. My nationality is not English, but I have lived in this country since I was a baby. My features, skin etc obviously give me away, but hearing me you would think I was an average Brit. I speak my native language BADLY and my family take the piss out of my accent, etc. Anyway...

The reason I think it may be slightly rooted in racism is that DH and SIL are white and I am not. All his previous girlfriends were white and then he married me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2. In that time SIL has had a few kids and is always talking about babies/adoption. Mostly harmless but she will slip into territory I am uncomfortable with. We'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and out of nowhere she will ask me things like:
"Sunny, why is child abuse so prolific in your country?"
"Sunny, why don't you lot like having children?" [note: DH and I are childfree and my home country has a low birth rate].
"Sunny, why are there so many children up for adoption in your country?"

I bat these away with vague answers, but recently she has got it in her head that she's going to adopt a child from my home country. She is sending me links, articles and videos to adoption sites. I'm really not interested but don't feel like I can rock the boat. She has no plans to learn the language DH is conversational and keeps saying that I can talk with the kid to make it feel at home!

Never mind that we live on opposite ends of the country, she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family. I think that she has got to be winding me up, except this has been going on for years, who can be bothered to keep a 'joke' like this going for so long?

OP posts:

JamaicanJamboree · 30/11/2020 01:27

@Userzzz

Is there a prevalence of child abuse and children up for adoption in your country? Some countries have higher rates than others, not sure why that’s considered racist?

Is Userzzz the SIL?

Sounds like her brand of ignorance right there.

Meraas · 30/11/2020 01:30

@Userzzz

Is there a prevalence of child abuse and children up for adoption in your country?
Some countries have higher rates than others, not sure why that’s considered racist?

Like the UK, you mean? The men here even go off to Thailand and Cambodia to abuse women and children.

Original poster

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 01:38

DH just tells me to ignore her, but it's easier said than done. I've taken to turning notifications off on WhatsApp for a few hours, but I have to answer eventually.

blackgerbil

To be honest with you, "babies" are basically her personality these days. Before she had the DC, it was travelling and finding herself. Before that, it was dyeing her hair funky colours, according to DH.

She has asked me directly when we will have children and I said "probably never". This is not entirely due to choice, but I don't want to get into all that with her, or anyone here. Needless to say I'm on Mumsnet for a reason and it's not a happy one.

Userzzz

I don't know, how would you feel if you were asked why teenage pregnancies were so common in the UK and why English girls were having babies for council houses? Or why the Brits care so little about babies that they let a case like "baby P" happen? Would you feel comfortable with that kind of questioning? Do you think it would be fair to be put on the spot as a voice of authority for such questions? And you'd not mind being asked those questions again and again?

Cheeseandwin5

I suppose so, but I don't want to be involved and I don't want to be teaching a child my native language. I don't know why she has latched on to adopting abroad at all, much less from my country, when there are plenty of children here in England who already speak English in need of a loving family and home.

OP posts:

Original poster

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 01:40

Userzzz may well be the SIL if it's you, A, send me a sign. At least we won't be seeing each other this Christmas!

OP posts:

Original poster

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 01:41

God, I need to get to bed. Work starts at 8

OP posts:

Meraas · 30/11/2020 01:41

but I have to answer eventually.

No you don’t, OP. It’s perfectly fine to ignore WhatsApp’s. If you want to, change your settings so people don’t know when you’re read their messages.

Crankley · 30/11/2020 01:49

She sounds ignorant. It might shut her up if you can get hold of adoption forms from the country and send them to her, saying 'it's a wonderful thing you're doing SiL, I was telling a friend/relative and they sent these forms for you. I assume you're currently learning the language as you will need to be able to communicate with the child you adopt but if you get stuck with anything let me know and I will translate for you.' Periodically ask how the process is going

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 30/11/2020 01:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovinpeanut · 30/11/2020 02:01

Gheesh how annoying is your SIL 😮
In answer to your question, yes she's an out and out racist 👍
Your husband could be a little bit more supportive. Telling you to ignore it isn't right. She should be told she's a racist harpy, and that her, 'causes' she's always banging on about, aren't judged by her standards.

Leobynature · 30/11/2020 02:06

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart
That is one of the strangest things I have ever read. You would adopt a child just to ‘shut’ someone up and make them feel ‘jealous’

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2020 02:07

You have so many good qualities that your sil does not by the sound of it. She sounds jealous if anything and is chipping you down to make her feel better about herself. I pity her poor kids with a mother like this. She has no direction and no ability for individual thinking. Always following the current wave by the sound of it. And right now a lot of racism has come out of the woodwork unfortunately in this country.

Your sil actually sounds quite troubled. As always her comments say more about her than they do about you and none of them good. Racist. Bigoted.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2020 02:11

@Leobynature
I just ignored the comment - ridiculous and casual racism.

MotherExtraordinaire · 30/11/2020 02:14

@SunnySideEye

DH just tells me to ignore her, but it's easier said than done. I've taken to turning notifications off on WhatsApp for a few hours, but I have to answer eventually.

blackgerbil

Userzzz

Cheeseandwin5

* I don't know, how would you feel if you were asked why teenage pregnancies were so common in the UK and why English girls were having babies for council houses? Or why the Brits care so little about babies that they let a case like "baby P" happen? Would you feel comfortable with that kind of questioning? Do you think it would be fair to be put on the spot as a voice of authority for such questions? And you'd not mind being asked those questions again and again?*

I can not say that as a Brit that I find these "racist" as you feel. They're relevant questions. Many bear no relevance to my life, some are stereotypes, but still not unreasonable to ask/discuss and to me it sounds as though the sil is trying to find middle ground to speak with you. Aka making an effort, albeit you feel its misguided.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 30/11/2020 02:39

[quote Leobynature]@Dannydevitoiloveyourart
That is one of the strangest things I have ever read. You would adopt a child just to ‘shut’ someone up and make them feel ‘jealous’ [/quote]
I obviously wouldn’t (like I said in the post). But I would find it very tempting. Maybe it’s only tempting for me though since I had been considering adopting from my country of birth a few years ago but decided against it in the end. I can see why my comment seemed strange but it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously and I thought I made that clear in the post.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 30/11/2020 02:46

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Leobynature
I just ignored the comment - ridiculous and casual racism.[/quote]
Oh I didn’t realise my comment would offend so much. It was meant to be tongue in cheek but obviously not I guess.

Definitely not racist though- I’m also British but from another birth country which some people consider adopting from. What I find racist is people thinking it’s ok to take a child from their country of birth and culture and raise them without any racial context or culture reference and think that’s ok. It really isn’t. That’s the point I was trying to get at badly - many countries have put stops in place to prevent this type of adoption tourism for those reasons and I would love someone to explain to the SIL just that (I guess I was trying to be funny and suggest that OP being able to adopt since she is from that country and SIL not would explain just that but I obviously need to work on my humour).

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 30/11/2020 02:50

I’ve reported my earlier post to mumsnet - sorry if I’ve offended anyone - that was not my intention was trying to make a point flippantly but could have made it differently.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2020 02:51

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart
When you put it like that, I get where you’re coming from. For context, it needed a few eye rolls and a bit of background as you’re obviously faceless through the screen.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 30/11/2020 03:01

@Mummyoflittledragon it really did- reading my comment back I could only then see yours and @leobynature interpretation of it which is definitely not how I thought it sounded or the meaning I intended when posting. Hopefully mumsnet removes the comment so I don’t continue to derail the thread. Thanks for calling me out on it though.

mumduty · 30/11/2020 03:07

If you feel uncomfortable with her questions and remarks about your heritage, it's racism. Op, I'm not going to say ignore it, just avoid her and go nc. These types of ignorant people cannot be reasoned with even if you tried so don't even bother. With her adoption queries, don't get involved. Ever. If something goes wrong, you will be blamed, your heritage, your birth country would be blamed.

knitnerd90 · 30/11/2020 03:32

She's not a bit racist. She's a lot racist. First of all you've lived in the UK since you were a baby but she doesn't think you're really British (which I feel PP should have noticed and pointed out). Second because she thinks someone who has barely lived in a country should be some kind of expert on it and be called to account. And that's before any white saviour adoption nonsense.

I'd either call her out on it, or offer to answer her questions and then talk about the UK since it's your country too!

80sColourfulChristmas · 30/11/2020 03:35

@Yellownotblue I was once told I shouldn’t get my 3 year old the spy kit he wanted for Christmas, because he might turn into a terrorist

I genuinely am not exaggerating when I say that this is quite possibly the worst thing I have ever read on Mumsnet.... How utterly, utterly despicable.
Please have ZERO contact with the vile bigot

Pr1mr0se · 30/11/2020 03:35

Adoption is not a matter to take lightly and is no joke and she certainly isn't talking about it to you in the right way so I suspect it is just a flippant conversation topic for her. She's your sister, why all the 'your country' stuff? It doesn't sound like she is being very nice in her conversations to you. If she was my sister I'd tell her to stop being so racist, arrogant and ignorant and you don't want to hear it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/11/2020 04:06

I don't know why she has latched on to adopting abroad at all, much less from my country, when there are plenty of children here in England who already speak English in need of a loving family and home.

Hmm do you really think that's true ?

Adoption is quite rare in the UK these days and the children in the system are predominantly from severely abusive or neglected homes and generally have complex needs that would be a huge challenge for most. It's also quite difficult to even get accepted as an adopter in the UK.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 30/11/2020 04:07

Ps she does sound quite bonkers though

SillyOldMummy · 30/11/2020 04:23

@80sColourfulChristmas that is appalling! I can't believe people actually say these things out loud. It reminds me of a bad seaside Freddie Starr show or something.

OP, you are not being over-sensitive, it's outright racism, plus she is a bitch, not even barely concealed. I'm going to guess she isn't fascinated by culture and history, just homes in on all the negative stereotypes.

I don't think ignoring it is enough, honestly. I would rope in your DH and say you are going to stand up to it, encourage him to do the same. Name it as racism, and cut contact. I don't think you have anything to lose. It sounds like she isn't adding anything positive to your life, and it might do her good - she might reflect and try to behave better.

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