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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think SIL is being a little bit racist?

122 replies

SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 00:02

NC as this is massively outing. My nationality is not English, but I have lived in this country since I was a baby. My features, skin etc obviously give me away, but hearing me you would think I was an average Brit. I speak my native language BADLY and my family take the piss out of my accent, etc. Anyway...

The reason I think it may be slightly rooted in racism is that DH and SIL are white and I am not. All his previous girlfriends were white and then he married me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, married 2. In that time SIL has had a few kids and is always talking about babies/adoption. Mostly harmless but she will slip into territory I am uncomfortable with. We'll be having a perfectly normal conversation and out of nowhere she will ask me things like:
"Sunny, why is child abuse so prolific in your country?"
"Sunny, why don't you lot like having children?" [note: DH and I are childfree and my home country has a low birth rate].
"Sunny, why are there so many children up for adoption in your country?"

I bat these away with vague answers, but recently she has got it in her head that she's going to adopt a child from my home country. She is sending me links, articles and videos to adoption sites. I'm really not interested but don't feel like I can rock the boat. She has no plans to learn the language DH is conversational and keeps saying that I can talk with the kid to make it feel at home! Confused

Never mind that we live on opposite ends of the country, she works a NMW job and her house is already too small for her current family. I think that she has got to be winding me up, except this has been going on for years, who can be bothered to keep a 'joke' like this going for so long?

OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 30/11/2020 04:28

I actually think it is.her cackhanded way of trying to be friends with you and find some common ground. If she sends links etc to you, it could be that she just wants to find something you might be able to chat to her about. It doesn't sound like you have much in common, I would suggest she is trying to keep contact and ask about you. Ignore people on here who say 'don't speak to her again'. That is a ridiculous overreaction. Xx

Hydrate · 30/11/2020 05:04

Tell her to ask Google, that you don't have knowledge of everything that goes on in the world. And tell her she sounds racist and to cut it out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2020 05:09

@Dannydevitoiloveyourart
I think it is easy to say something on a screen, which in our head makes perfect sense but doesn’t translate on the other side. I’ve done it myself... more than once. 😬

And on the note of misunderstandings, I’m wondering about ClaireP’s comment. Maybe there is something in that...?

Lampzade · 30/11/2020 05:25

I think that she probably is racist, but I also agree with @ClaireP20 , she may in her own weird way be trying to get to know you better hence why she is saying that she is thinking of adopting from your country.
Op, are you child free by choice? If she is sending you links about adopting children, . It could be that she thinks that you and your dh should adopt?.
Tbh , she sounds ignorant

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 30/11/2020 05:32

The gushing face of colonialist white liberalism.

Ugh.

And yes, she sounds thick, too.

I think you and your DH should either be far more direct with her in your responses to this nonsense, or have a lot less to do with her.

Surely her chances of actually being able to adopt a child from your home country are very slim? There is a lot of enquiry into supporting a mixed-race adoption, and you would probably be asked to be a character witness. Wink

SimonJT · 30/11/2020 05:40

As someone who used to smile sweetly at these sort of comments or ignore them to be polite, just tell her to fuck off.

I no longer care what racists think of me, so I don’t see the point of showing them manners anymore.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 30/11/2020 05:57

I don’t understand this thread.

She sounds odd. Does she desperately want you as a friend? Is she struggling? Does she want to adopt a child from abroad?

Shoxfordian · 30/11/2020 06:01

Stop messaging her back if she messages.
She is definitely racist. What does your dh think?

jessstan1 · 30/11/2020 06:02

Your SIL is definitely racist; stupid with it.

I wonder what her husband thinks about the things she says, if she says them in front of him and not just by email.

The uk has a declining birth rate at the moment. It just goes that way sometimes and then picks up again.

Somebody needs to have a serious talk with that woman.

rwalker · 30/11/2020 06:38

Just answer the question based on the uk.

Do you see your family racist taking the piss out of your "foreign" accent .

FippertyGibbett · 30/11/2020 06:42

She probably thinks that what she does is acceptable because in all this time you’ve never said it’s not.
You need to have it out in a controlled way and then go minimal contact.

Mamanyt · 30/11/2020 06:52

@berrygirlie

Big bit racist. Especially the child adoption part, it has passive-aggressive white saviour written all over it. How do you feel, OP? Hope you're okay.
You took the words right off of my fingertips.

As for her questions re "your country," I would respond with, "I don't know why Great Britain has so much (insert negative situation here). What are your thoughts about that?"

turnitonagain · 30/11/2020 06:53

I don’t know why you’ve been putting up with this, of course it’s racist. Get DH involved as it’s his family.

If it’s the country I think it is, your SIL also needs to read a history book quite badly.

Yellownotblue · 30/11/2020 07:22

@80sColourfulChristmas, the person who said that has now passed away. It was some years ago. And yes, I did pull her up on it at the time, as did her husband. She was always a bit deranged.

RosesAndHellebores · 30/11/2020 07:35

I'm not so sure op. It's racist but she's so pig ignorant she doesn't see it but just from things I've picked up or sensed from the thread:

I imagine you and your DH have good jobs, a nice home, relative freedom and enjoy (pre covid) a varied and satisfying lifestyle. I bet you went to uni too and are well qualified in your field of work.

I imagine SIL is a bit ground down with tooany babies and not enough money. She probably lives a very pedestrian life and is very dissatisfied although due to limited horizons knows little else and never properly spread her wings.

Overall I think she's a very jealous, absolute bitch and is using the baby angle to have an emotionally aggressive and belittling stab stab at you because you have the lifestyle she wants and she has what you want but you have never quite told her (understandably due to her behaviour) and she is desperate to winkle the reason out of you.

She sounds utterly vile and I am sorry you have to deal with her. In your shoes I'd retreat. I am so sorry she is in your life but withdraw before she forced a row because I'm sure that's what she wants.

Gregariousfox · 30/11/2020 07:42

Anyone who talks about 'you lot' is surely not being interested in someone else's culture or trying to find common ground, although it's lovely to try and see the good in others.

I'd be tempted to ask what she means by 'you lot'. Does she mean people from my country who still live there, in which case I'd say I can't really comment, as I never really have lived there. Does she mean people who originated from there but now live here, in which case I don't really know whether they behave any differently than the average British person. Then ask her what she thinks the reason is, as you're baffled. Keep putting it back on her, so she can't just ask questions apparently innocently.

blisstwins · 30/11/2020 07:56

I don't think she is intentionally winding you up. I think she is an IDIOT. Try to ignore or send her the name of an agency and shut this garbage down. I am so sorry. She sounds awful intentional or not.

mopphead · 30/11/2020 08:17

@Userzzz

Is there a prevalence of child abuse and children up for adoption in your country? Some countries have higher rates than others, not sure why that’s considered racist?
It's racist because the OP has been raised in the UK and also because it's constantly bringing up negative aspects of her country without context, just to point it out to the OP. The focus on adopting from her country is to try and intimate that she is not really British, just as this hypothetical adopted child wouldn't be.
Original poster
SunnySideEye · 30/11/2020 08:28

I'm so tired this morning.

RosesAndHellebores

Wow you're very insightful. I think that might just be the measure of things.

Ok, I'm going to mute her permanently on WhatsApp and have another chat with DH. I really don't want to have a massive row - ever, to be honest, but definitely not before Christmas.

To PPs who think she's trying to be friends with the questions - I'm not so sure. I know more about the crime rates of London than my home country! If she starts asking me about London's gang violence, I'll know she was here. Also, she never wants to know about traditional dress, or food, or learn any words...

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 30/11/2020 08:37

I think that's a good idea.

She sounds bloody stupid, frankly

By the way, it is very hard to be approved for overseas adoption these days, and as a mother of several children already it's even less likely she would be approved.

TonMoulin · 30/11/2020 08:43

I think there is a difference between asking a questiOn once out of curiosity/interest for that country (even though if you’ve never lived there, you can wonder how much you ‘know’ iyswim).

But that’s a question you ask ONCE. Not a constant barrage of remarks and questions on the same subject!!

LouiseTrees · 30/11/2020 08:45

Just tell her some home truths about her country. And point out that not everyone of the same nationality is the same.

TonMoulin · 30/11/2020 08:45

And YY about muting her.
It seems that, somehow , she either has more time on her hands with all the lockdowns or she thinks you have more time Hmm

Just go back to the usual level of contact.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/11/2020 08:47

She is very VERY rude. Keep batting her away politely. Either don't repond or "Sorry I can't help I don't know anything about it" re. the adoption. She might be using her racism to bait you just because she is a nasty person, or she might be baiting you just because she is racist, or a bit of both, doesn't matter which.

Anyone who says "you people" has outed themselves as racist.

Block or sleep her on Facebook. Don't respond to any private messages with rude or racist content. You do not have to answer eventually to all her messages. Only respond to polite messages. If she queries tell her "I couldn't think of anything to say".

Nottherealslimshady · 30/11/2020 09:01

Shes being a lot racist and thick.
Just reply with "dunno" to all those stupid questions and ignore her messages, she seems to think she's going to rescue a child from the horrible place you are from.