AIBU - In-law Covid Christmas plans causing tension between DH and I

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Okay so bear with me. This Christmas, it's mine and DH's turn to host Christmas at our house, and with my side of the family (my parents, my brother and sister in law and their baby). This is my ideal Christmas and I have been so looking forward to our turn - I love my in laws but am really close to my family, it's our first Christmas in our new home after a long journey to get here and I feel really relaxed with my side of the family (we all get on really well, DH loves them and they love him etc.). I am quite anxious about Covid and will want to make sure we all socially distance, they will all be happy to do that (my in laws wouldn't be, which causes a lot of anxiety for me). DH and I love cooking and we love hosting, and we're able to do this within Covid restrictions ofc (tier 2, so between DH and I, my parents, and my brother, we are the three households).

Like everyone else, we couldn't plan Christmas this year until we found out about Covid restrictions. Now we know the plans, my in laws are still wanting us to go to them for a 'Christmas Day' before Christmas, and with my sister-in law and her husband and their two daughters, and my DH's grandad (who lives on his own, so that's three households). I don't feel comfortable with that because:

1. most importantly, my Dad is extremely clinical vulnerable to Covid and on the shielding list. He would get very ill if he got Covid and having seen him in and out of hospital growing up, sometimes fearing he wouldn't come home, I don't want to see my in laws (who are all high risk for covid due to work, and social lives, they believe Covid is just the flu and don't follow guidelines at all really), I would be terrified that we would contract Covid from them and then spread to my Dad a few days later. This absolutely terrifies me. I am clinically vulnerable to Covid too but okay to risk getting it myself from the in laws for the sake of peace, but not at the risk of then giving it to my Dad and the worst happening.

2. it would mean we'd be seeing 5 households, not a maximum of 2 others. That does really bother me because I believe we all have a shared responsibility to protect one another and follow the law and the rules.

3. Due to work we'd also then need to see in laws outside of the allowed 5 day window. Again, it's against the rules and that really troubles me.

Anyway in laws really want an answer from us and DH and I had a horrible day today when disagreeing about what to do next. He wants us to just go along with his parents (they are lovely but head strong, outspoken about their opinion and hard to say no to) but I feel impossibly unhappy and uncomfortable about that. I think he feels stuck between me and his parents (horrible place to be) and I don't want any conflict (I hate conflict) but I also feel a very real need to protect my Dad. It's our turn to host Christmas this year with my side of the family. Families all across the UK are in the same boat, I don't see why we can't just not see in laws for Christmas this year. I know that's disappointing, but it's only one Christmas and Covid makes life hard - I feel like we just need to accept it means we can't do everything we want to, when we want to. I wish DH had my back and stood next to me on this.

Anyway, I've reluctantly suggested we look to have a 'Christmas Day' with my DH's side of the family after Christmas and before the NY. This would be outside of the timescale we're allowed to meet, and a further breach in that we'd be inside someone's house, with three households, when this is banned (tier 2) and all of this makes me feel really rotten and uncomfortable. BUT it's a compromise because I want DH to be able to see his parents/siblings/grandad, I know it's important to him and I know it mean's a lot to my in laws. With doing it after Christmas, at least if we catch Covid from them, I won't then be spreading it to my Dad.

I think my DH thinks I'm causing a fuss and it is causing a lot of tension between us.

Am I being unreasonable?

Just seen latest update.

Oh well. They will get over it. Sounds like you need to have a think about your relationship, if being concerned about your familys' wellbeing is being controlling.

WE don’t see in-laws on Christmas Day unless it’s exceptional circumstances, we spent Christmas with them last year, however this year we are spending it with my mum who is in my bubble and my mil is spending it with her daughter as they have formed a bubble.

I’m not comfortable visiting her as she is high risk and since dd is still at school and I work in early years I feel that we are The last people who should be visiting since we are mixing wi5 so many different people.

We will do a doorstep present drop but that’s it until restrictions are lifted.

You aren't causing arguments, you are doing the correct things to keep your dad alive - it's that simple. Your husband can say and think what he likes, but he's the one trying to break the law by doing something stupid that puts other people's lives at risk. Hugs.

No, your DH is causing arguments by not sticking to the Christmas rota, the rules, and lacking a spine in standing up to his family.

The only compromise I would offer him would be to stay at home and not see anyone this year. Then continue with your family next year, assuming the rules will be different by then.

The whole Christmas 'thing' is ridiculous. January will see so many more covid patients in our hospitals. In your position, I would not be seeing any of my relatives this year. It's one Christmas! celebrating with, and in your own household is the only way to safely enjoy Christmas this year. Have a get together late spring or early summer instead, by which time we should all be back to semblance of normality.

So his parents are trying to control everything and dictate what you do, making you break the rules. But you're the controlling one by saying no?

I used to her this with DH, he'd rather go along with what others want, even if it is really hard work for us, just for an "easy life". I would rather stand up for ourselves so we actually dont end up being fucked about.

I'm happy to be the bitch that refuses to pander to others and he's learning to stand up for us.

I wouldn't worry too much about sticking within those 5 days, theres nothing magical happening in those 5 days, so I would see them but I wouldn't see them before Christmas and I'd social distance even if no one else does.

But at the end of the day, if you dont want to, then dont. How would your husband feel if you saw his family before Christmas as he wants, no one social distanced as he wants. Then you see your family on Christmas day, and a week later you both start with a cough, then your Dad does, then your Dad's in hospital and doesn't come out.

Is he really willing to give your dads life for this? He can't guarantee his family wont pass covid on to you can he.

We are in the middle of a pandemic people! People are ill and dying now. In my opinion we shouldn't be mixing with others at all unless absolutely necessary. The government know people will not do this especially over the Christmas period so have come up with these rules to try and contain this virus at best. Seriously if you can, do what's best for your vulnerable loved ones and stay away. Have this Christmas within your own household. It was never going to be a normal one this year so accept it and make the most of it. Sadly there are many families out there who have lost a loved one and wish they could have the luxury of keeping them safe and protected. There will be better times ahead hopefully. It's a collective effort. Selfishness, denial and ignorance are spreading this virus. For some it isn't until you are personally affected that you understand the consequences of not socially distancing.

OP it sounds like you really do care about others and others feelings, what a shame your husband isn't the same. I would suggest seeing nobody this year. There will be many in difficult situations this year. This would be a small sacrifice to keep everyone safe. I still feel you are being treated unfairly though by your husband, maybe he needs reminding of the world we are living in, he's got it good compared to some. Good luck

No you are not trying to control everything as your DH has said. You are merely being sensible and responsible and adhering to the restrictions that have been put on people in this country. Similarly there are also restrictions in other countries as well.

The situation you are describing is not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination. Both sets of parents will be spending time with their respective families. Nobody is being left on their own. It’s just ridiculous under these circumstances to be made out as “the bad guy”.
Stick to your guns, you are right they are wrong. And ffs it’s just one Christmas in the grand scheme of things.

In your shoes I would be extremely disappointed that my DH is not being supportive since this was your turn anyway and you are also following the instructions that the government have laid down.

Ugh. I know it’s hard but everyone is finding it hard. I think your husband is being a big baby.

I’d be inclined to send him to see his parents and you see yours, and he can quarantine somewhere without anyone before he comes back. To be so disregarding of your worries and concerns is just rubbish.

My MIL is similar, and my mum lives alone. A few Christmases before kids came along my husband and I visited our own ‘family’ at Christmas to prevent her getting the huff. Ridiculous really - you think people would grow up. It’s a few days!!

You don't seem to have much empathy or interest in your DHs view so I can't tell if yabu. You say you have seen your family a lot and your DH family a lot less. You say it is because your family are fab whilst his is noisy. He is absolutely not going to see it that way and it is unlikely, unless he is estranged, that he wants to see your family more than his own. Based on what you have said this is what has been occurring throughout Covid. Your husband is annoyed that you put your family first and has now told you that he thinks you are controlling. You should maybe think about whether there is a lack of balance there and try amend after Covid, not now when your Dad is vulnerable but have the conversation with your husband. It should be 50/50 ish unless there is abuse.

I disagree with this ^^
You have my sympathy OP. Stand your ground. It's only Christmas - there will soon be lots of opportunities to make up any lost ground

It's stuff like this that makes me so relieved I don't do Xmas and haven't for years. Good grief.

I’m constantly accused of controling things as well. What that means is I actually make a plan.

Tell your husband that seeing them before Christmas does not work.

You’ve offered compromises. If it’s so important that you are there, they can pick one.

You're not causing the arguments Op, they are by wanting you to break the law. It's your turn to see your parents and unfortunately due to Covid that means you're not able to see your in-laws as your bubble is complete.

Pressuring you to do anything else is actually awful of them and awful of your DH to be pressuring you in this way.

When people show you who they are, believe them. That's what your DH and his family are doing right now. I wouldn't be spending ANY time with them until they apologised and addressed their controlling behaviour and attempts to pressure you into putting your father at risk of dying.

Your DH should be absolutely ashamed of himself. He should consider what your father would think of his willingness to put him at risk of death. Part of being married is taking on care for those your partner cares about -- he's not doing that. What a complete disappointment of a man.

Can’t your husband spend the day with his family and you with yours? That way you are protecting your dad and both get to spend time with your families.

@Needoutsideopinions2020

So my in laws are now upset and DH has just had a go at me and said I'm causing arguments by trying to control everything.

I don't know why I'm sharing everything on Mumsnet but just feel very unheard in real life today

Please do tell him to fuck off in real life.

I'm high risk and my very sociable DH with a very close family and an oblivious and emotionally dependent mother is doing everything he possibly can to keep me safe.
He has changed how he works, resisted continuous pressure from his mother to go inside her home and missed out on many social occasions when they were allowed inside because he is aware that air con is a super spreader.
I don't know what to tell you, but don't risk your own or your father's health for someone you might not want to be living with next Christmas.
Take care

It's a difficult situation to be in, and this year it's even worse.
OP you say your Dad is very vulnerable, and that you are vulnerable?
Why are you even thinking of socialising with anyone the pair of you?
I get that you have this lovely Christmas planned, but as much as you want to see your family, it's only natural your Husband will want to see his.
You mention more than once that you are close to your family, and that you see them more often.
Your Husband probably feels that your family see you and him more, and with the current situation he wants to see his.

If you are adamant you want to see your family, then you see yours, and let him go to his. You're both spending time with your families. Or you and your husband spend the day together, your other family spend it together, and your in-laws spend it together.
Then all get together at Easter!

You said he hasn’t seen his family since august, how often are you seeing yours?

One possible solution would be to have any early Christmas on 23rd or 24th with your parents, brother and sis-in-law and then see your in-laws on Christmas day.

There'd be no risk to your Dad that way. It would look like you were being extremely generous to your in-laws too.

@Lovely1a2b3c

One possible solution would be to have any early Christmas on 23rd or 24th with your parents, brother and sis-in-law and then see your in-laws on Christmas day.

There'd be no risk to your Dad that way. It would look like you were being extremely generous to your in-laws too.

I am quite amazed at the way everyone is advising OP to change her plans when she has clearly stated that it was her year and that her side of the family not only live closer but have someone who is extremely vulnerable. It sounds quite callous of her husband’s side of family to not just wait a few more months so we could all get vaccinated. Her DH is acting childishly and she should pander to all that drama? This sort of advice is quite unbelievable.

Why cant you host your family and he go to his?

You’ve lost a member of your family to covid. So you know this is real.

Why is your husband trying to put his vulnerable wife at risk?

My friend got covid in March she is still unable to do anything too strenuous without experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath. And she still feels physically weak.

My teen dd had it and I watched my child gasping for breath and turning grey.

Why’s your husband so anxious to put you and your child at risk of covid to appease his parents.

I’d be totally losing my temper with him in your shoes.
Tell him to go visit his parents after Christmas and then he can self isolate for two weeks before returning home. He’s being utterly unreasonable.