AIBU - In-law Covid Christmas plans causing tension between DH and I

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Okay so bear with me. This Christmas, it's mine and DH's turn to host Christmas at our house, and with my side of the family (my parents, my brother and sister in law and their baby). This is my ideal Christmas and I have been so looking forward to our turn - I love my in laws but am really close to my family, it's our first Christmas in our new home after a long journey to get here and I feel really relaxed with my side of the family (we all get on really well, DH loves them and they love him etc.). I am quite anxious about Covid and will want to make sure we all socially distance, they will all be happy to do that (my in laws wouldn't be, which causes a lot of anxiety for me). DH and I love cooking and we love hosting, and we're able to do this within Covid restrictions ofc (tier 2, so between DH and I, my parents, and my brother, we are the three households).

Like everyone else, we couldn't plan Christmas this year until we found out about Covid restrictions. Now we know the plans, my in laws are still wanting us to go to them for a 'Christmas Day' before Christmas, and with my sister-in law and her husband and their two daughters, and my DH's grandad (who lives on his own, so that's three households). I don't feel comfortable with that because:

1. most importantly, my Dad is extremely clinical vulnerable to Covid and on the shielding list. He would get very ill if he got Covid and having seen him in and out of hospital growing up, sometimes fearing he wouldn't come home, I don't want to see my in laws (who are all high risk for covid due to work, and social lives, they believe Covid is just the flu and don't follow guidelines at all really), I would be terrified that we would contract Covid from them and then spread to my Dad a few days later. This absolutely terrifies me. I am clinically vulnerable to Covid too but okay to risk getting it myself from the in laws for the sake of peace, but not at the risk of then giving it to my Dad and the worst happening.
   
   
2. it would mean we'd be seeing 5 households, not a maximum of 2 others. That does really bother me because I believe we all have a shared responsibility to protect one another and follow the law and the rules.
   
   
3. Due to work we'd also then need to see in laws outside of the allowed 5 day window. Again, it's against the rules and that really troubles me.
   
   Anyway in laws really want an answer from us and DH and I had a horrible day today when disagreeing about what to do next. He wants us to just go along with his parents (they are lovely but head strong, outspoken about their opinion and hard to say no to) but I feel impossibly unhappy and uncomfortable about that. I think he feels stuck between me and his parents (horrible place to be) and I don't want any conflict (I hate conflict) but I also feel a very real need to protect my Dad. It's our turn to host Christmas this year with my side of the family. Families all across the UK are in the same boat, I don't see why we can't just not see in laws for Christmas this year. I know that's disappointing, but it's only one Christmas and Covid makes life hard - I feel like we just need to accept it means we can't do everything we want to, when we want to. I wish DH had my back and stood next to me on this.
   
   Anyway, I've reluctantly suggested we look to have a 'Christmas Day' with my DH's side of the family after Christmas and before the NY. This would be outside of the timescale we're allowed to meet, and a further breach in that we'd be inside someone's house, with three households, when this is banned (tier 2) and all of this makes me feel really rotten and uncomfortable. BUT it's a compromise because I want DH to be able to see his parents/siblings/grandad, I know it's important to him and I know it mean's a lot to my in laws. With doing it after Christmas, at least if we catch Covid from them, I won't then be spreading it to my Dad.
   
   I think my DH thinks I'm causing a fuss and it is causing a lot of tension between us.
   
   Am I being unreasonable?

[ohwhatamiserableyear]

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your DH is not only being unreasonable, he's being an unfair twat to be pressuring you to do this for an easy life with his family. I imagine you'd struggle to forgive him if he meets up with his 'careless' family before Christmas and were to pass on Covid to your father ... or you! ... when it's a preventable situation.

3 households.
5 days.
It's your family's turn.
He needs to honor this and tell his family no, not this year, and hopefully 2021 will bring a vaccine and visits.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Exactly this, I feel like I'm flexing but no one else is! Normally in the year when we are with my side of the family, we would still go to my DH's side of the family for a 'Christmas Day' on another date. I do see why they want to get together but I also know if we suggested meeting to go for a walk or to sit in their garden with our warm coats on, my in laws would make it clear they feel we're being stupid and OTT on Covid. Feels like the only way to have peace between DH and I and his family is to go along with their precise wants for the day, and that leaves me feeling in a pretty rubbish place

[pigsDOfly]

It's your turn to host your family this year so that's what you do.

Unfortunately this is a dilemma that many families are going to face this year, it's not a normal Christmas, it hasn't been a normal year, and your in laws are going to have to accept that.

You cannot not and must not put your father's health at risk to please your in laws.

Your DH can go to see his parents after Christmas day.

[underneaththeash]

I'd just go after Christmas and then you're not putting your dad at risk. The regulations may well have been dropped by then anyway and if not you can just meet in their garden.

[KittenCalledBob]

You’re not being unreasonable OP. Can’t you tell DH that if you see his family before Xmas, your parents will refuse to come for Xmas? He must realise that would be unfair as it’s their turn?

[MayDayFightsBack]

So you're clinically vulnerable yourself but no one seems to give a shit about that? Stand up for yourself OP, this is not on, you are worthy of being kept safe too.

[MeridianB]

If you alternate then they don’t get to usurp your family’s turn by doing another Christmas just before or after, and add the COVID risk and your Dad and they should totally understand it’s not going to happen. So should you DH.

Everyone has to choose this year, and it is the turn of your family. Don’t be bullied into breaking the rules and putting your dad and others at risk.

[NursieBernard]

I don't think you're being unreasonable, however, if you really want to protect your Dad don't have him or your mum over to your house.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Sorry if I'm not replying properly, I'm a bit new to Mumsnet! @lyralalala I think my DH is just sick of Covid, has a more chilled attitude towards it (not to the same extent as his family, but not far off) and thinks I am being over the top and difficult. I also think there's a bit of background tension as he feels we see my side of the family more (we do, they live a lot closer and I come from a very close knit family who gets on really well). I can see how that might be contributing to his frustration but this is just a Covid risk decision for me, it's just that it's our year with my side of the family. If it were our year with his side of the family, my side would just accept Covid rules and we wouldn't see them this Christmas (but would meet for a socially distanced walk or something over the Christmas period probably).

[sergeilavrov]

Your husband needs to take, if he won't take the law seriously, your feelings on this seriously. I think you should say no to anything at all, given they don't taken it seriously AND suggest you're stupid for following the rules that prevent people dying. Failing that, say you're willing to do a socially distanced outdoor Christmas with them afterwards. Your DH needs to have your back, even if it's uncomfortable for him. Anything less than that isn't taking the health and safety of your father or you into account, and that's unforgivable.

I can only imagine how stressful it is to have close family who don't follow the rules, I'm so sorry - just puts a downer on the whole festive season

[MeridianB]

Your DH is being a selfish twit by putting pressure on you to do this.

Everyone is fed up with restrictions but the point of the Christmas bubbles is that you choose and then stick to it.

And you’re not doing this to be awkward - you have many really valid reasons! You deserve DH’s support.

[Newmumatlast]

Yabu to compromise and break the rules but that's only reason I've voted that. You're in a really difficult position like many

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

@moulesvinrouge1 I think you make a good point. I think I need to stand my ground with my in laws more, I find it really hard to do that because they are quite feisty (lovely, but feisty) and I just feel so uncomfortable. I think I am going to have to stand my ground on this though, it's such an important issue, and maybe then they will take my point of view more seriously in the future.

[AriesTheRam]

Definitely see them after Xmas

[Annebronte]

Absolutely say NO. ‘Sorry, the rules don’t allow it. We’ll have a lovely family do in the spring, once we’re vaccinated, and really make up for list time then.’ Don’t enter into discussions; just repeat.

[JaniceSopranoJr]

If you're tier 2 you're allowed to see 3 households over the 5 days.

Not a combination of 3 households then 3-4 other households, and not outside of the 5 days.

So he wants you to break the law, and if even if it's after you see your family, potentially put yourself at risk of catching covid by seeing people indoors that are not taking the guidelines seriously.

To conclude

1. It's your family's turn to spend Christmas with you
2. He wants you to break the tier 2 rules
3. He wants you to spend time indoors with people who put themselves at risk.

Fuck that. I'd tell him he's welcome to go see his parents on his own after Christmas, but you won't be going.

AND this is why covid is still here after 9 months - twats thinking the rules don't apply to them.

[TheDaydreamBelievers]

You are completely reasonable. Its consistent with the rules to not see them indoors at all. If you feel you really have to, it makes total sense to see them only AFTER your dad. Also, you need to think about yourself too if you are highly vulnerable

[Ellmau]

Could you suggest having their time at Easter?

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Sorry to hear you're in a really similiar position @mogtheforgetfulmum

I hope this thread is helping you too and you come to a happy compromise x

[DuckonaBike]

The Christmas bubble is a maximum of three households with no overlap. So no, you can’t see your in laws indoors this year. At all. There are lots of people in similar situations.

Meet them for a socially distanced walk on Boxing Day? Bring flasks of mulled wine and mince pies? Meeting outdoors is fine.

[user1493413286]

@OverTheRainbow88 yes I do realise that; we had to make some tricky decisions to fit in with it.
@NewLockdownNewMe I take your point but I guess it doesn’t necessarily work to say you’re only seeing one side of the family either.

[TheTeenageYears]

If you relent and do what the in laws want and something happened to your Dad could you live with that? If you couldn't then tell DH (and in laws) it's your families turn for Christmas Day and as unfortunate as that is in that it means you can't also see them it is what it is. Some things are worth fighting for, you have to decide if this is one of those occasions.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

@janiceSopranoJr I know what you mean. The number of Covid deaths just makes me cry, we've lost someone in my extended family to Covid and I couldn't say goodbye to a grandparent in person because of it. And so now I am here saying I will now break the rules for the sake of peace? Feels even more uncomfortable the more I sit on that.

[SquishySquirmy]

Normally I wouldn't advise this kind of thing but:

If you do feel pressured into agreeing to the plans with the inlaws, and your dh really wont listen to you, then it will be SUCH a shame that you come down with those awful stomach cramps/migraine/diarrhoea the morning of the meal won't it?
Still, at least you and dh wont pass it on to them if you stay away and at least it isn't a cough!

(Obviously far far better to just stand up for yourself and say no).

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

It would haunt me for the rest of my life @theteenageyears.