AIBU - In-law Covid Christmas plans causing tension between DH and I

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Okay so bear with me. This Christmas, it's mine and DH's turn to host Christmas at our house, and with my side of the family (my parents, my brother and sister in law and their baby). This is my ideal Christmas and I have been so looking forward to our turn - I love my in laws but am really close to my family, it's our first Christmas in our new home after a long journey to get here and I feel really relaxed with my side of the family (we all get on really well, DH loves them and they love him etc.). I am quite anxious about Covid and will want to make sure we all socially distance, they will all be happy to do that (my in laws wouldn't be, which causes a lot of anxiety for me). DH and I love cooking and we love hosting, and we're able to do this within Covid restrictions ofc (tier 2, so between DH and I, my parents, and my brother, we are the three households).

Like everyone else, we couldn't plan Christmas this year until we found out about Covid restrictions. Now we know the plans, my in laws are still wanting us to go to them for a 'Christmas Day' before Christmas, and with my sister-in law and her husband and their two daughters, and my DH's grandad (who lives on his own, so that's three households). I don't feel comfortable with that because:

1. most importantly, my Dad is extremely clinical vulnerable to Covid and on the shielding list. He would get very ill if he got Covid and having seen him in and out of hospital growing up, sometimes fearing he wouldn't come home, I don't want to see my in laws (who are all high risk for covid due to work, and social lives, they believe Covid is just the flu and don't follow guidelines at all really), I would be terrified that we would contract Covid from them and then spread to my Dad a few days later. This absolutely terrifies me. I am clinically vulnerable to Covid too but okay to risk getting it myself from the in laws for the sake of peace, but not at the risk of then giving it to my Dad and the worst happening.
   
   
2. it would mean we'd be seeing 5 households, not a maximum of 2 others. That does really bother me because I believe we all have a shared responsibility to protect one another and follow the law and the rules.
   
   
3. Due to work we'd also then need to see in laws outside of the allowed 5 day window. Again, it's against the rules and that really troubles me.
   
   Anyway in laws really want an answer from us and DH and I had a horrible day today when disagreeing about what to do next. He wants us to just go along with his parents (they are lovely but head strong, outspoken about their opinion and hard to say no to) but I feel impossibly unhappy and uncomfortable about that. I think he feels stuck between me and his parents (horrible place to be) and I don't want any conflict (I hate conflict) but I also feel a very real need to protect my Dad. It's our turn to host Christmas this year with my side of the family. Families all across the UK are in the same boat, I don't see why we can't just not see in laws for Christmas this year. I know that's disappointing, but it's only one Christmas and Covid makes life hard - I feel like we just need to accept it means we can't do everything we want to, when we want to. I wish DH had my back and stood next to me on this.
   
   Anyway, I've reluctantly suggested we look to have a 'Christmas Day' with my DH's side of the family after Christmas and before the NY. This would be outside of the timescale we're allowed to meet, and a further breach in that we'd be inside someone's house, with three households, when this is banned (tier 2) and all of this makes me feel really rotten and uncomfortable. BUT it's a compromise because I want DH to be able to see his parents/siblings/grandad, I know it's important to him and I know it mean's a lot to my in laws. With doing it after Christmas, at least if we catch Covid from them, I won't then be spreading it to my Dad.
   
   I think my DH thinks I'm causing a fuss and it is causing a lot of tension between us.
   
   Am I being unreasonable?

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Thanks @moulesvinrouge1! I'm hoping we can see eye to eye soon and then at least look ahead to Christmas.

Next Christmas should be different and hopefully a lot more straight forward for everyone.

[Moulesvinrouge1]

Good luck! They are asking you, at bare minimum, to break the law, so actually it is them ‘being difficult’.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Thank you @lovepoppy x

[LovePoppy]

Good luck x

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Thanks so much everyone. Sadly it's still not resolved as DH still feels I am being difficult... but I'm standing my ground. This is important. Thank you for all your words of encouragement which have helped me to see that I'm not being unreasonable, just articulating what is important to me and trying to find a solution.

[Sceptre86]

You are doing the right thing by your dad and whilst breaking the rules afterwards you are compromising for your dh. It is sad that your dh can't see that. Going forward I would spend time with your family on your own as he seems to resent seeing them more than his own family. This will give your dh the opportunity to ho to his own parents more, if he doesn't take that opportunity it is his choice. You don't always have to visit parents together even if they would like to see you both. As I see it you have a dh problem, due to covid restrictions are difficult but he seems to want everything his way or to suit his family.

[phoenixrosehere]

You don't seem to have much empathy or interest in your DHs view so I can't tell if yabu. You say you have seen your family a lot and your DH family a lot less. You say it is because your family are fab whilst his is noisy. He is absolutely not going to see it that way and it is unlikely, unless he is estranged, that he wants to see your family more than his own. Based on what you have said this is what has been occurring throughout Covid. Your husband is annoyed that you put your family first and has now told you that he thinks you are controlling. You should maybe think about whether there is a lack of balance there and try amend after Covid, not now when your Dad is vulnerable but have the conversation with your husband. It should be 50/50 ish unless there is abuse.

Where did she say his family was noisy? Also, if he is close to as lax with his family, he could have been seeing them on his own. If he chose not to go see his family that is on him. OP’s family is closer so they are likely coming by more. If both families were close by I’d agree about balance but they’re not.

Considering the circumstances, her in-laws attitudes and their views on Covid-19, OP has every right to protect herself and her family knowing that her own in-laws don’t care about the risk they pose to her and others and want her to break the rules.

[Chloemol]

YANBU it’s your family’s turn to e hosted and that’s that. You then can’t meet any other households in the 5 day periods d depending on tier could meet yo to four others along with your husband outdoors at any other point

I would be suggesting another Christmas Day with them in the summer

You can bet your bottom dollar that if the situation was reversed, ie it was your turn to host them they would not care about you not being able to see your parents.

If your husband is less concerned than you he can go and visit them Boxing Day and let them go even more over the number of families then isolate when he returns

[Pollypudding]

I think this relaxation of the rules for Christmas will be causing tension in a lot of households this year. Also that the usual idea of taking turns for Christmas is not the primary factor for making decisions.
My parents and PIL all high risk and so we have all made the difficult but I hope sensible decision not to get together at Christmas. The vaccine is on the horizon so we will wait until it is safer to get together.
I work for the NHS so sadly expecting a post Christmas COVID surge. It will be a Merry Zoom Christmas for us this year.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

I honestly think people are being so weird about Christmas. I love Christmas, it means a lot to me, but I’m quite prepared to wait until we can see everyone safely. If you do see your IL’s around Christmas, it’ll have to be after your parents, end of subject. They’re turning it into a big drama and it’s really not. They need to grow up.

[LovePoppy]

@Lovely1a2b3c

One possible solution would be to have any early Christmas on 23rd or 24th with your parents, brother and sis-in-law and then see your in-laws on Christmas day.

There'd be no risk to your Dad that way. It would look like you were being extremely generous to your in-laws too.

Why on earth should she give up the Christmas she’s been dreaming of, on the agreed upon schedule, to facilitate people who only want what they want when they want it?


Women are allowed to have wants too

[Bumblebee57]

I am sorry i havent read all the thread but i understand completely my oh didnt believe in covid "why do you need a test if you have it and its thats bad" ive heard for months and months its drove me mad as i am the rational one...this changed 15 days ago when i got the positive test i only had cold like symptoms and he still didnt believe it until 2 days after the test when i changed i couldnt move couldnt smell or taste was the worst ive ever been in my life and he saw his partner of many many years really ill in bed not knowing what to do thankfully il relatively young and healthy and i am getting back to myself but he had to see it close up with his own eyes to believe it....unfortunately for me but with your in laws i would just put your foot down i know your worried about your parents but seriously you need to be worried about those within your household to and tell your oh if he or the kids or even yourself got ill it wouldnt be worth it and you would never forgive yourself...because you wouldnt!

I have also approached the idea of us staying in all xmas my dm and the in laws are welcome but no others dinner will be just us. Could you delay your meal with your family until next year and just have your household this year?

My friend told me this on the phone earlier "some people are worried and will break the rules for one christmas but id rather stay in this year and have the chance of lots of Christmases with my family" and those words ring true to me so much!!

Take care and stay safe xx

[coconutpie]

@Lovely1a2b3c

One possible solution would be to have any early Christmas on 23rd or 24th with your parents, brother and sis-in-law and then see your in-laws on Christmas day.

There'd be no risk to your Dad that way. It would look like you were being extremely generous to your in-laws too.

You are aware that this would be against the law, right? The OP shouldn't be doing this. Her Christmas bubble is complete.

[sergeilavrov]

@Thewithesarehere I completely agree! Advising she cave to gaslighting/bullying, and breaks the law is astonishing. One day, they will see the blood on their hands and realise it doesn’t wash away.

[frazzledasarock]

You’ve lost a member of your family to covid. So you know this is real.

Why is your husband trying to put his vulnerable wife at risk?

My friend got covid in March she is still unable to do anything too strenuous without experiencing chest pains and shortness of breath. And she still feels physically weak.

My teen dd had it and I watched my child gasping for breath and turning grey.

Why’s your husband so anxious to put you and your child at risk of covid to appease his parents.

I’d be totally losing my temper with him in your shoes.
Tell him to go visit his parents after Christmas and then he can self isolate for two weeks before returning home. He’s being utterly unreasonable.

[GoldfishParade]

Why cant you host your family and he go to his?

[Thewithesarehere]

@Lovely1a2b3c

One possible solution would be to have any early Christmas on 23rd or 24th with your parents, brother and sis-in-law and then see your in-laws on Christmas day.

There'd be no risk to your Dad that way. It would look like you were being extremely generous to your in-laws too.

I am quite amazed at the way everyone is advising OP to change her plans when she has clearly stated that it was her year and that her side of the family not only live closer but have someone who is extremely vulnerable. It sounds quite callous of her husband’s side of family to not just wait a few more months so we could all get vaccinated. Her DH is acting childishly and she should pander to all that drama? This sort of advice is quite unbelievable.

[Lovely1a2b3c]

One possible solution would be to have any early Christmas on 23rd or 24th with your parents, brother and sis-in-law and then see your in-laws on Christmas day.

There'd be no risk to your Dad that way. It would look like you were being extremely generous to your in-laws too.

[AllosaurusMum]

You said he hasn’t seen his family since august, how often are you seeing yours?

[Groovinpeanut]

It's a difficult situation to be in, and this year it's even worse.
OP you say your Dad is very vulnerable, and that you are vulnerable?
Why are you even thinking of socialising with anyone the pair of you?
I get that you have this lovely Christmas planned, but as much as you want to see your family, it's only natural your Husband will want to see his.
You mention more than once that you are close to your family, and that you see them more often.
Your Husband probably feels that your family see you and him more, and with the current situation he wants to see his.

If you are adamant you want to see your family, then you see yours, and let him go to his. You're both spending time with your families. Or you and your husband spend the day together, your other family spend it together, and your in-laws spend it together.
Then all get together at Easter!

[M0rT]

I'm high risk and my very sociable DH with a very close family and an oblivious and emotionally dependent mother is doing everything he possibly can to keep me safe.
He has changed how he works, resisted continuous pressure from his mother to go inside her home and missed out on many social occasions when they were allowed inside because he is aware that air con is a super spreader.
I don't know what to tell you, but don't risk your own or your father's health for someone you might not want to be living with next Christmas.
Take care

[Thewithesarehere]

@Needoutsideopinions2020

So my in laws are now upset and DH has just had a go at me and said I'm causing arguments by trying to control everything.

I don't know why I'm sharing everything on Mumsnet but just feel very unheard in real life today

Please do tell him to fuck off in real life.

[Helendee]

Can’t your husband spend the day with his family and you with yours? That way you are protecting your dad and both get to spend time with your families.

[sergeilavrov]

When people show you who they are, believe them. That's what your DH and his family are doing right now. I wouldn't be spending ANY time with them until they apologised and addressed their controlling behaviour and attempts to pressure you into putting your father at risk of dying.

Your DH should be absolutely ashamed of himself. He should consider what your father would think of his willingness to put him at risk of death. Part of being married is taking on care for those your partner cares about -- he's not doing that. What a complete disappointment of a man.

[BenoneBeauty]

You're not causing the arguments Op, they are by wanting you to break the law. It's your turn to see your parents and unfortunately due to Covid that means you're not able to see your in-laws as your bubble is complete.

Pressuring you to do anything else is actually awful of them and awful of your DH to be pressuring you in this way.