AIBU - In-law Covid Christmas plans causing tension between DH and I

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Okay so bear with me. This Christmas, it's mine and DH's turn to host Christmas at our house, and with my side of the family (my parents, my brother and sister in law and their baby). This is my ideal Christmas and I have been so looking forward to our turn - I love my in laws but am really close to my family, it's our first Christmas in our new home after a long journey to get here and I feel really relaxed with my side of the family (we all get on really well, DH loves them and they love him etc.). I am quite anxious about Covid and will want to make sure we all socially distance, they will all be happy to do that (my in laws wouldn't be, which causes a lot of anxiety for me). DH and I love cooking and we love hosting, and we're able to do this within Covid restrictions ofc (tier 2, so between DH and I, my parents, and my brother, we are the three households).

Like everyone else, we couldn't plan Christmas this year until we found out about Covid restrictions. Now we know the plans, my in laws are still wanting us to go to them for a 'Christmas Day' before Christmas, and with my sister-in law and her husband and their two daughters, and my DH's grandad (who lives on his own, so that's three households). I don't feel comfortable with that because:

1. most importantly, my Dad is extremely clinical vulnerable to Covid and on the shielding list. He would get very ill if he got Covid and having seen him in and out of hospital growing up, sometimes fearing he wouldn't come home, I don't want to see my in laws (who are all high risk for covid due to work, and social lives, they believe Covid is just the flu and don't follow guidelines at all really), I would be terrified that we would contract Covid from them and then spread to my Dad a few days later. This absolutely terrifies me. I am clinically vulnerable to Covid too but okay to risk getting it myself from the in laws for the sake of peace, but not at the risk of then giving it to my Dad and the worst happening.
   
   
2. it would mean we'd be seeing 5 households, not a maximum of 2 others. That does really bother me because I believe we all have a shared responsibility to protect one another and follow the law and the rules.
   
   
3. Due to work we'd also then need to see in laws outside of the allowed 5 day window. Again, it's against the rules and that really troubles me.
   
   Anyway in laws really want an answer from us and DH and I had a horrible day today when disagreeing about what to do next. He wants us to just go along with his parents (they are lovely but head strong, outspoken about their opinion and hard to say no to) but I feel impossibly unhappy and uncomfortable about that. I think he feels stuck between me and his parents (horrible place to be) and I don't want any conflict (I hate conflict) but I also feel a very real need to protect my Dad. It's our turn to host Christmas this year with my side of the family. Families all across the UK are in the same boat, I don't see why we can't just not see in laws for Christmas this year. I know that's disappointing, but it's only one Christmas and Covid makes life hard - I feel like we just need to accept it means we can't do everything we want to, when we want to. I wish DH had my back and stood next to me on this.
   
   Anyway, I've reluctantly suggested we look to have a 'Christmas Day' with my DH's side of the family after Christmas and before the NY. This would be outside of the timescale we're allowed to meet, and a further breach in that we'd be inside someone's house, with three households, when this is banned (tier 2) and all of this makes me feel really rotten and uncomfortable. BUT it's a compromise because I want DH to be able to see his parents/siblings/grandad, I know it's important to him and I know it mean's a lot to my in laws. With doing it after Christmas, at least if we catch Covid from them, I won't then be spreading it to my Dad.
   
   I think my DH thinks I'm causing a fuss and it is causing a lot of tension between us.
   
   Am I being unreasonable?

[Muma11]

Why don’t you say you have thought about it and how much it’s bothering him that you will cancel Christmas with your family so you can see his family and see what he comes back with?

[JaniceSopranoJr]

Why can't he just go on his own? He can't force you to go.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Thanks for the suggestion @mumma11 but given the pressure DH is under, I'd be worried DH would then agree to that and I'd be left disappointing my family who have made their three household bubble commitment to DH and I and are really looking forward to the Christmas together we've been planning for so long

[SeasonFinale]

Tell them no.

Your compromise of after (even breaching rules) is more than adequate and frankly O wouldn't even be doing that. Promise them Easter!

[peboh]

I've spent years trying to please both my family and my in laws. Last Christmas was our first with dd and we spent the day driving between three houses as to not upset anybody, as they all made it so clear how important it was to see our dd at Christmas. I was miserable, what should have been the best Christmas was one of my worst. So this year I've learnt to say no. I will do what benefits myself, dh and dd the most.
You have to stand up for what you want, and your husband needs to respect the choices you've both obviously agreed to (your turn to host Xmas with your family)
Don't be afraid to tell them no, I know it's never easy to upset or anger people but the only person who will end up miserable is you if you try to please everybody.

[TheABC]

Your dad's health is non-negotiable. See him first and offer them the mulled wine/walk in the park afterwards as a safe way to comply.

[Moulesvinrouge1]

You sound like such a nice person. But they are trying to force you to do what they want despite presumably knowing what you’ve been through - they are being bullies. And your DH is being wet. Very unattractive! We’ve all had to put up with shit this year and hopefully it’s not for much longer. You’re not being selfish - you are protecting someone, and sometimes that takes being really extra brave. Good luck!

[Muma11]

That is understandable, I’m in the same position unfortunately aswell. I will 100% be seeing my parents, our bubble will be 2 households but if we saw the in-laws the bubble could end up being 10 plus. 2 siblings who are both married with kids and the other half’s parents are separated so there will just be a huge chain of families.

[AHobbyaweek]

I had to tell everyone that I was taking the opportunity to spend Christmas Day with my dad for the first time since I was 9. Divorced parents and he always goes away.
Some were not happy but tough. It is one year that I'm being "selfish" as normally I do all the cooking, hosting and entertaining for 20+ (30+ Boxing Day) and we can't this year so THERE!

[Ravenesque]

I really feel for you and I'm quite cross on your behalf. Hard as it is to do, stick to your guns. Your dad is the most important person in this whole thing, you know that and they really need to understand that.

[MeridianB]

If DH does visit them he’ll need to stay there!

I can’t believe he’d take up the offer if you suggested cancelling your family.

[Foxinsocks1]

I don’t think YABU to want to see your dad before anyone else however I think YABU to put your family before your DH’s. It may be your turn to host but it isn’t a normal year and all of that for most has gone out the window.

[Di11y]

Threads like this make me so cross. We're meeting family for a rubbish walk because we've formed our bubble and I don't want another lockdown. You can't meet your in-laws inside. End of.

[Allgirlskidsanddogs]

YANBU.

See your family as planned on Christmas Day.

Then you have to come up with a compromise for the in laws. I would be prepared to see them for a socially distanced walk or coffee in the garden, but I wouldn’t be prepared to go full on for a meals with several other households, or maybe DH goes to see them without you?

[Kidneybingo]

I'd be playing the long game, and seeing in laws this year, and therefore having the hopefully normal one with my family next year! I'd see my parents outside this year as it's safer for vulnerable people like your dad.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Thank you everyone, my first post like this and just felt really alone in trying to make sense of whether I'm being unreasonable. Your comments and suggestions (and sympathy, it really is stressful when part of the family are not taking Covid seriously, there have been many tensions because of it), have been so helpful.

I'm going to stand my ground, stick to the rules, and try to keep the people I love the most as safe as possible. It might help me to flex my assertiveness muscles here and then I can also feel my conscience is clean and I've continued to make decisions that help reduce the spread. Fellow people pleasers - thanks for all your advice on how you've stepped out to make the right decisions for you and your family.

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Thank you @ravenesque

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

@TheABC

Your dad's health is non-negotiable. See him first and offer them the mulled wine/walk in the park afterwards as a safe way to comply.

I agree.^^. My Dad and SM are in the clinically extremely vulnerable category and there’s no way I’d put their health at risk by mixing with other households first.

Having not grown up with a sick parent, your DH probably doesn’t fully realize how serious it is if they’re put at risk. This isn’t you being awkward, it’s literally trying to preserve someone’s life. I hope it works out, OP, be strong.💐

[pudcat]

You can only see 2 other households and cannot mix and match. I am seeing 1 daughter on Christmas Eve. My son is seeing his in laws and his wife's sister on Christmas Day. So he can't come here. So we are going to meet outside socially distanced. Not ideal I know but a compromise.

[Melaniaswig]

@SnackSizeRaisin

My parents had covid 3 weeks ago and sadly, my mum will probably never be the same again. I had a relaxed attitude before but now am thinking if only they had been more careful until spring, they could have been vaccinated and avoided this. (They didn't break any rules but were in tier one so a lot was allowed). They are late 60s and not in any vulnerable groups. It's not worth risking it for your dad. I think you will need to stand firm on this.

I too had a relaxed but complying attitude until I became infected with Covid. I’ve had about six weeks of being very unwell. I’m early 50’s, no underlying health issues to make me more at risk. I honestly feel like my lungs are never going to recover.

It’s really not worth the risk. Covid isn’t going to take a few days off over Christmas.

[ChocolateTea]

Similar situation here, my inlaws are so lax it's unreal. They've broken the current lockdown several times. So I've said I'm not going at all.

I'll see them with the kids for a socially distanced walk outside.

My bubble this year is my parents and my widowed grandfather. My parents are seeing their brother/sister in law so I'm not having a 3rd bubble. Technically my grandad is a single adult now and part of my mums extended bubble so we are even down there. But I want to see as few as possible indoors. It means I see none of my brother/sister in laws, none of their children. DP is OK with that, and happy to go with what I want thankfully. I know my name will be mud, but really, I don't care anymore.

[MyPersona]

Given that 3 households is a limit not a target and none of the family are on their own, ideally you’d all stay at home. It’s ONE year. But in reality no one is satisfied or capable of being sensible so we’re all fucked come new year. Cheers!

[Happychristmashohoho]

@Needoutsideopinions2020

YANBU

I can understand your husbands frustrations though as this isn’t a normal year and I presume on a normal year you’d probably see his family as well.

I think your compromise is too much though, you’ll be seeing too many people. It’s too risky to mix with too many households.

Other things to consider....

1. Delay this years Christmas to next year and have your family then when you can relax.
   

1. Offer to have just both sets of parents this year instead, either together or separately. Or have it on your own.
   

1. Plan something outdoors with dh family this year. A nice walk etc.
   

That’s what I’d do.

[Unsure33]

@user1493413286

But surely the advice is to use your common sense and that is not always what is “fair”

It’s about what is right for your family taking into account age vulnerability exposure etc.

The rules are only guidance everyone has to make the best judgement because no government can allow for the hundreds of different connotations.

I think they knew there were people who were going to just do whatever they wanted because they think the whole thing is ridiculous. But by putting in guidelines they may have just curtailed them slightly .

But you really can work it out surely it’s not about Rotas or normal arrangements it’s thinking outside the box , hopefully just for one year .

[Pembsgirl]

I really thought that this year there would be loads of young couples only too glad to not be forced into dividing their time between parents and in-laws, which is often the worst part of Christmas. Covid is the perfect excuse to have a romantic Christmas at home together, and at the same time keep those you love safe.

Tell everyone you're not prepared to risk anyone's health this year, and that you plan to have a good old family knees up, that hopefully everyone will be able to go to in the spring or summer, when the vaccination makes it safer.