AIBU - In-law Covid Christmas plans causing tension between DH and I

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

Okay so bear with me. This Christmas, it's mine and DH's turn to host Christmas at our house, and with my side of the family (my parents, my brother and sister in law and their baby). This is my ideal Christmas and I have been so looking forward to our turn - I love my in laws but am really close to my family, it's our first Christmas in our new home after a long journey to get here and I feel really relaxed with my side of the family (we all get on really well, DH loves them and they love him etc.). I am quite anxious about Covid and will want to make sure we all socially distance, they will all be happy to do that (my in laws wouldn't be, which causes a lot of anxiety for me). DH and I love cooking and we love hosting, and we're able to do this within Covid restrictions ofc (tier 2, so between DH and I, my parents, and my brother, we are the three households).

Like everyone else, we couldn't plan Christmas this year until we found out about Covid restrictions. Now we know the plans, my in laws are still wanting us to go to them for a 'Christmas Day' before Christmas, and with my sister-in law and her husband and their two daughters, and my DH's grandad (who lives on his own, so that's three households). I don't feel comfortable with that because:

1. most importantly, my Dad is extremely clinical vulnerable to Covid and on the shielding list. He would get very ill if he got Covid and having seen him in and out of hospital growing up, sometimes fearing he wouldn't come home, I don't want to see my in laws (who are all high risk for covid due to work, and social lives, they believe Covid is just the flu and don't follow guidelines at all really), I would be terrified that we would contract Covid from them and then spread to my Dad a few days later. This absolutely terrifies me. I am clinically vulnerable to Covid too but okay to risk getting it myself from the in laws for the sake of peace, but not at the risk of then giving it to my Dad and the worst happening.
   
   
2. it would mean we'd be seeing 5 households, not a maximum of 2 others. That does really bother me because I believe we all have a shared responsibility to protect one another and follow the law and the rules.
   
   
3. Due to work we'd also then need to see in laws outside of the allowed 5 day window. Again, it's against the rules and that really troubles me.
   
   Anyway in laws really want an answer from us and DH and I had a horrible day today when disagreeing about what to do next. He wants us to just go along with his parents (they are lovely but head strong, outspoken about their opinion and hard to say no to) but I feel impossibly unhappy and uncomfortable about that. I think he feels stuck between me and his parents (horrible place to be) and I don't want any conflict (I hate conflict) but I also feel a very real need to protect my Dad. It's our turn to host Christmas this year with my side of the family. Families all across the UK are in the same boat, I don't see why we can't just not see in laws for Christmas this year. I know that's disappointing, but it's only one Christmas and Covid makes life hard - I feel like we just need to accept it means we can't do everything we want to, when we want to. I wish DH had my back and stood next to me on this.
   
   Anyway, I've reluctantly suggested we look to have a 'Christmas Day' with my DH's side of the family after Christmas and before the NY. This would be outside of the timescale we're allowed to meet, and a further breach in that we'd be inside someone's house, with three households, when this is banned (tier 2) and all of this makes me feel really rotten and uncomfortable. BUT it's a compromise because I want DH to be able to see his parents/siblings/grandad, I know it's important to him and I know it mean's a lot to my in laws. With doing it after Christmas, at least if we catch Covid from them, I won't then be spreading it to my Dad.
   
   I think my DH thinks I'm causing a fuss and it is causing a lot of tension between us.
   
   Am I being unreasonable?

[phoenixrosehere]

YANBU.

I think you should go with the plans with hosting your family or your husband goes to his and you go to yours and isolate from each other if possible depending on the size of your home or he goes to stay with one of his family members.

I know this year is different from all others but it doesn’t seem fair that you have to miss out on your own family for the sake of your in-laws being pushy and knowingly choosing not to follow the rules.

Did you host for his family last year or spent most of your time with his instead of your own?

[Frazzled2207]

YANBU generally. If it's a choice of seeing the In laws after christmas within the 5 days or seeing the inlaws after Christmas outside the 5 days I would do the former as breaking less rules IMO.

My own dad is CV and I'm committed to Christmas with the inlaws this year. HOwever I am going to go and see my dad probably on Christmas eve, feels less risky as kids will have been out of school a week and it's before i see the in laws. Feels less risky that way round - of course he's well aware of the risks and accepts it.

[Whoopsmahoot]

You see the family you would normally see, which is your families turn. You must see them first as they are more vulnerable. If you can fit in his , after then great, if not then it just has to be a Xmas present drop off.

[ktp100]

It's such a shame that your DH isn't on the same page as you, OP. Have you spoken to him about the risks to your Dad? Surely he too is fearful of spreading it to your family?

He must understand that if you passed Covid on to your Dad you'd never forgive him?!

It's bloody infuriating that so many people are going to bend the rules around Xmas. It doesn't mean you have to though!

[Needoutsideopinions2020]

So my in laws are now upset and DH has just had a go at me and said I'm causing arguments by trying to control everything.

I don't know why I'm sharing everything on Mumsnet but just feel very unheard in real life today

[PurpleMustang]

With people like your DH you need to turn this back onto him and put him in the situation to realise what he is asking of you. Say to him imagine you Mum has X condition and we are due to see them for Christmas this year. You know that if she caught covid it would be very serious maybe deadly to her. Now my family as upset and want to see us before Christmas and break the rules, knowing they haven't been following the rules and could be infected. So what are you going to do, be careful around your Mum and at most compromise and see them after Christmas or risk her to keep my Mum happy? See what he says then

[Bettydot]

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. If only more people were like you we’d be in a better place come January. I really sympathise with you it’s horrible when stuff like this causes tension but it’s definitely time to stand your ground. As you’ve said it’s your year to see your parents so I’d keep it simple and say that as much as you’d love to see them for a Christmas Day your bubble of three is already sorted as it’s your year to host your patents but you’d love to see them for a walk etc. If they challenge this I’d go with empathising that everyone has different views but you don’t feel comfortable breaking the rule of three as much as you’d love to do what you’d usually do. Good luck and stay strong.

[RandomMess]

You are doing the right thing this Christmas Bubble even without breaking the rules is going to cause a shit show of more cases so you are right to be cautious especially with your parents health.

[Lalliella]

You’re being very unreasonable to even think about seeing his family after you’ve had the maximum permitted 3 households together at Christmas. It’s against the law.

This is why we’ll have a third wave. More people will die. Are you comfortable being a part of that OP?

[Lalliella]

Sorry I wrote that before reading the full thread. Ask your DH is he’s happy with contributing to a third wave.

[PullTheBricksDown]

You're a person they know will feel bad for not doing what others want, so they're leaning on you to do that. You will need to be less of a people pleaser this year. Make them more worried about you being upset with them than the reverse. To your husband I would say that you always valued how much he thought of your parents and you're surprised and disappointed that he doesn't understand your fears over your dad's health. I would also say how upsetting you're finding all the pressure and that it's really affecting you to see how little you and your worries matter to anyone else.

[GlassLake]

I could have written this post. My in-laws are the same. Make me feel like I'm being over the top when trying to follow the rules. Stay strong. Your compromise sounds good, despite not being within the guidelines.

[Livelovebehappy]

Guess you have to put yourself in your Dhs shoes too, if things were the other way round, how would you feel? They’re his parents and he obviously wants to see them too. It doesn’t matter how much your parents like him, and how much he loves them, he’s obviously a lot more closer and emotionally attached to his own. I understand your reluctance, but try seeing it through your dhs eyes.

[Inkpaperstars]

So your ILs are ignorant and careless about Covid and don't bother to follow guidance, they want you to break pretty much all the guidance to see them, and this is in spite of the fact that you and even more so your DF are highly vulnerable. They can't be bothered to follow any guidance and do what suits them, but expect you to do the opposite and do things that make you justifiably uncomfortable.

That would be a hard 'no' from me, and I would tell both them and DH that their behaviour is very poor and you don't expect to hear a minute more of emotional pressure about it. I would not see them at all over Christmas, unless possibly for a sociallu distanced walk outside, after you have seen your dad. Frankly, I wouldn't even do that.

[ladyme]

Is it an option to just delay the whole thing so that you don't have the whole unfairness element.

Meet both families, separately, outside for a walk where the risk is minimal and do Christmas at Easter when at least the most vulnerable people should be vaccinated.

That's what we've decided. Anything else was just going to be complicated and I knew I'd have huge angst about whether we were doing the right thing that would stop me enjoying it anyway.

[Writerandreader]

I don't have an answer op but wanted to say . I am on the extreme relaxed end of the Covid anxiety scale. And am pretty anti laws and rules generally but I am surprised at what your husband is asking you to do!

It's not safe and it's totally against the rules. They won't be the rules forever
Part of being assertive is accepting we can't always get others to agree with us.

[ImPrincessAurora]

Most overused phrase on MN at the moment but perfectly sums up your in-laws: what makes them so special they don’t have to follow the rules?!

It’s your turn to host your family. Covid hasn’t changed that. The rules won’t allow for you to see your husbands family as well. So the answer is no.

Another well-known MN phrase: No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify it anymore.

[ImPrincessAurora]

So my in laws are now upset and DH has just had a go at me and said I'm causing arguments by trying to control everything

He doesn’t sound very nice. It’s not your fault the rules don’t allow it.

[Nottherealslimshady]

Definitely see them AFTER Christmas day, then you wont be risking your families health. I wouldn't budge on that at all.

[FinallyHere]

He wants you to spend time indoors with people who put themselves at risk.

He really is being v v unreasonable

to expect you to break the rules for his family.

[Inkpaperstars]

Just seen your update. Stand your ground here. It sounds like they are the domineering sort who are used to getting their own way. They won't give on anything but expect you to bend over backwards to the point of putting yourself and your family at risk. This time you won't give in, you are in the right, and it's important.

I think it is quite gaslighting of your DH to say you are trying to cause arguments or control things. It is his family who are rigid and won't adjust, and anyone who doesn't do exactly what they want, especially with good reason, is not being controlling or causing an argument. If they choose not to accept your valid points or the reality of the current situation, that is completely on them. Make that clear and just keep saying no, I am not the problem here and have done nothing wrong.

[PurpleMustang]

With your update I would be damn annoyed and tell him fine. If his mummy is that important he can go stay there for the Christmas week and quarantine afterwards and you stay at home and see your family. What an arse

[ImPrincessAurora]

One of the things I would say to your husband is: if in the days following the visit to his parents one of you test positive, is he going to be comfortable sharing his close contacts for the past 10 days? Because that is what t&t ask you to do. How will he feel having to declare that not only has he exceeded the number of households allowed to visit but also potentially did it outside of the period it was allowed in too?! Or would he lie? It’s just not worth the hassle in my opinion.

[Happychristmashohoho]

@Needoutsideopinions2020

Have you and dh been following the rules up until now?

If so, this is quite a drastic thing for him to ask.

Do you think he is being put under pressure from his parents? I’ve noticed a few similar posts.

There is no point discussing it until he’s calmed down. Sleep on it and worry about it tomorrow.

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

It's your turn to host your family.

Unfortunately you can only as two other households. You are not being difficult, that is the law. You don't want to risk your dad's health, or a fine, or ending up being ill on the day and not having a Christmas at all.

DH will have to suck it up, as no doubt you would have had to, if it was his familys turn.