To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Gosh op the responses on here!! Your are not a dick at all. Your SIL should managing her sons behaviour not calling you a dick.

All the aww poor little guy responses ergh

OP if you are so sure you’re in the right, why did you post on AIBU?

@itsgettingweird

I actual think you're both being dicks.

She needs to manage her sons use of call time and making too many calls.

You need to allow screen time separately to call time. It's not easy atm due to isolation and I don't actually see why a chat over an iPad is classed as screen time when they can't do it face to face.

Because they don't chat, they game, they wouldn't want to chat.

Kids game and chat at the same time. It’s what they do.

@Bagamoyo1

Chatting while playing a game is how kids interact. In the same way that if they were in a house together they wouldn’t just sit and talk, they’d do some activity and talk at the same time. So by limiting screen time, OP is saying the she can only keep in touch with her cousin if she fits it into her screen allowance. OP I think you are letting your opinion of you ex and your ex SIL affect your DD’s relationship with her cousin, which I don’t think is fair.

No, of it was a friend whose parent I'd like it would be the same rules.

Don't you think family time with me is important too? What if she wanted to go on for 12 hours?

OP, I agree with you. There is no way, I would have 'hunned' it up for my ex's sister, especially given the way she had treated me. What you said was direct, not rude.

And everyone on aibu seem to have endless patience..but it's always in theory, never in practice.

I think it’s especially mean to limit screen chat so much when face to face interaction has been so limited this year.

Your reply was neither dickish nor rude OP.

I suspect those telling you otherwise are people like your xSIL, who would rather not have to say no or to or give boundaries to their precious darlings and are outraged at anyone implying (correctly) their children may lack manners.

The ‘hun it up’ comment is possibly one of the most wrongheaded, toxic things I have ever heard - all it does is ensure people who behave badly or without boundaries never have to hear a criticism while, as the SIL here demonstrated, being astoundingly rude themselves. It’s also infantilising and plays into a stereotype that people (women) should be polite and nice and never say anything that might hurt someone else’s feelings, regardless of the situation.
Bollocks to that.

Sounds to me like you are instilling great values and lessons with your daughter!

However three hours seems very low

The average of an hour gaming a day for an 8yo is low? Really. Don't get me wrong if I changed it to 10 hours she'd be chuffed but she never asks for more, 3 hours on a weekend is enough.

Remember I only see her EOW!

..ignore typo

@Bagamoyo1

OP if you are so sure you’re in the right, why did you post on AIBU?

I dont agree with posters who think it's me who "allowed" hun to call me 23 times - happy for people to say I was a dock as long as it's backed with a bit of logic. In yet to see that

@Bagamoyo1

Kids game and chat at the same time. It’s what they do.

Im aware of that, I'm just confused as to why I should be allowing as much time as someone else's child wants?

There's clearly a lot of people who don't understand online gaming.

Gaming with someone is better than gaming alone and gaming with family is a nice memory to have but it's not a normal chat where you discuss what you've been up to. It's stuff like "turn around there's a baddie there" "go and get some more wood so we can finish the base" etc

@Bagamoyo1

I think it’s especially mean to limit screen chat so much when face to face interaction has been so limited this year.

I think 3 hours a week is plenty for a cousin

If you can’t see the difference between 3 hours and 12 hours then you have a problem.
As I said, if you’re so sure you’re right, why ask for opinions ?

It’s a fact that these days, especially during Covid, kids largely communicate online, by chatting while gaming. They laugh and joke and create online worlds together. Yes it’s not as wholesome as outdoor play, or running around having face to face fun, but it’s the modern world, and it’s where we are now.

Your DD has limited opportunities to contact her cousin, and you have made them more limited by saying that she has to take it out of her 3 hour allowance. Because you want her to yourself.
So yes, I think you were being mean about it.

@TicTacTwo

There's clearly a lot of people who don't understand online gaming.

Gaming with someone is better than gaming alone and gaming with family is a nice memory to have but it's not a normal chat where you discuss what you've been up to. It's stuff like "turn around there's a baddie there" "go and get some more wood so we can finish the base" etc

Oh "BOBBY BOBBY BOBBY PIGGY IS BEHIND YOU" at the top of their lungs while you're on an important phone call

The idea that you will have picked up your phone. Or iPad several times in a 3.5 hour period, so the OP must have known DN contacted her dd several times makes me feel like I’m living on a different planet...

@Bagamoyo1

If you can’t see the difference between 3 hours and 12 hours then you have a problem. As I said, if you’re so sure you’re right, why ask for opinions ? It’s a fact that these days, especially during Covid, kids largely communicate online, by chatting while gaming. They laugh and joke and create online worlds together. Yes it’s not as wholesome as outdoor play, or running around having face to face fun, but it’s the modern world, and it’s where we are now. Your DD has limited opportunities to contact her cousin, and you have made them more limited by saying that she has to take it out of her 3 hour allowance. Because you want her to yourself. So yes, I think you were being mean about it.

What is wrong with me wanting her to myself? I am actually a human beings with needs and part of those needs is quality time with my children. You do realise she also benefitting from time with me? I hardly torture her when we're together.

How much screen time would you say was fair?

@TonMoulin

The idea that you will have picked up your phone. Or iPad several times in a 3.5 hour period, so the OP must have known DN contacted her dd several times makes me feel like I’m living on a different planet...

I thought being glued to your phone 24/7 was a Bad Thing but apparently NOT having my phone on my hand means I allowed my DN to call my phone 23 times so is also a Bad Thing

I'm rather firm on the concept that if someone attempts to ring me, that is an invitation to communicate, rather than a command.

I think screen time needs to be a bit more flexible. So you might say “well I don’t want you spending half an hour watching trash on YouTube now, but your cousin wants to play a game with you so you can have half an hour with him to catch up and play”. That’s what I would have done.

I’m also a human being with needs and I like to spend time with my kids, but I acknowledge that they are individuals, and I am not their whole world, like I was when they were tiny babies.

What exactly is the point of this AIBU?

I'm amazed at the amount of threads on here recently where an OP has been taken to task as "cold" or nasty for just being politely direct.

women people seem to be expected to shower every utterance with emojis and apologies to sugar coat the most reasonable request or statement.

It is my imagination or has this got worse over lockdown? This isn't the only thread of this kind in recent days where someone has been crucified for not prettying over a perfectly reasonable response.

Everyone bleats on about the importance of boundaries but when someone actually enforces their own boundaries in perfectly reasonable terms other people tear strips off her for being nasty and cold etc.

So you might say “well I don’t want you spending half an hour watching trash on YouTube now, but your cousin wants to play a game with you so you can have half an hour with him to catch up and play”. That’s what I would have done.

The 3 hours should be for the OPs daughter to use as she wants. If she'd rather spend 3 hours watching crap on youtube than talk to her cousin then so be it. You can't force someone to interect with another person.

The way to keep harmony would be to talk to your dd and allocate 45 mins or whatever to a weekly gaming meet-up with cousin. I know that's unfair for her as you're forcing her to give up a random amount but it would hopefully stop the 23 calls scenario.

3 hours per weekend during term time sounds fine to me. I'm surprised how many people have said it's not enough when this seems to be a place where parents claim that their kids have 30 minutes of screen time at the weekend.