To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Fuck nice. Nice is what has got us all into the mess we are in now. Well behaved women seldom make history and all that

@Whywonttheyhelpme

You were not unreasonable to say no more screen time and you were not unreasonable to text Ex-SIL, however you could have worded it nicer.

Hi SIL. Please can you let DN know he is not being ignored but DD has used up all her screen time for this weekend. She will drop him a line next week and catch up then.

Short and to the point without being rude.

The op had already messaged the nephew telling him just that, he kept on calling.

@exLtEveDallas

Fuck nice. Nice is what has got us all into the mess we are in now. Well behaved women seldom make history and all that

Here here!

I would have allowed some screen time together, connecting with family is precious.

How come the DD spending time with Mum and sibling watching a film is not precious?

Why is it on OP to maintain relationship with her ex side of the family at expense of family time with her own child.

Honestly with people constantly phoning epecially when asked not to we did the softening/polite thing -and found it doesn't work becuase people phoning don't want to hear it - they're not thinking about you when they do it but what they want.

At 7 that's understandable but parents should be stepping in - SIL reponse suggests she doesn't care her child's behavior has irritated or inconvenienced OP. She text OP is a dick becuase OP given her a message she doesn't want to hear.

How come the DD spending time with Mum and sibling watching a film is not precious?

Exactly!!

I really don't mind that her 3 hours of gaming is spent with ex's family because it's her family too. But I will not relinquish more of my Sunday's than I have to. Like I say she's at school 5 days a week, between food, shower and homework theres barely a minute for quality time when she gets home and then EOW I don't see her from Friday morning until Sunday evening. My Sunday's with my kids are precious, I'm very aware that before I k ow it they'll be moody teenagers who want to go and see their mates on Sunday's so I'm soaking up every hours with them and I'm not the least bit sorry about it

Nice is what has got us all into the mess we are in now

What mess?

The DN is 7yo. Not the exSIL.

Why should she need to be told that her DS has been “a little persistent”? That’s insulting her emotional intelligence, to presume that OP knows what DN is being better than the exSIL does. Also, 23 calls isn’t a “little”
persistent (not sure how that’s possible anyway, either you’re persistent or you’re not - basic linguistic intelligence). It’s harassment.

@formerbabe you’d better be careful bulldozing your way through life with your superior emotional intelligence. You don’t seem to see your own hypocrisy.

Re the Moody Teenager thing, if you lay the foundations now, creating traditions and forming good relationships, you might find that they have their moments, but they value the time and interaction with you - even as teens, and while loudly decrying how lame you are. . . .

I don’t think you were being a dick at all.

For context I had a near identical situation during lockdown where my god-daughter (who is DD’s best friend), was calling and WhatsApping DD repeatedly through my phone when I was working.

I sent my goddaughter (via her mum’s phone) a polite but robust message saying “DD loves to chat but it’s not OK for you to call this phone multiple times when I am using it for work.”

It was fine; the mum reinforced the message and all is well and DGD has not done it since.

Totally reasonable to have boundaries with children.

It’s not yours or your DD’s job to keep this child constantly entertained.

@ARoseInHarlem

The DN is 7yo. Not the exSIL.

Why should she need to be told that her DS has been “a little persistent”? That’s insulting her emotional intelligence, to presume that OP knows what DN is being better than the exSIL does. Also, 23 calls isn’t a “little”
persistent (not sure how that’s possible anyway, either you’re persistent or you’re not - basic linguistic intelligence). It’s harassment.

@formerbabe you’d better be careful bulldozing your way through life with your superior emotional intelligence. You don’t seem to see your own hypocrisy.

What do you mean by 'better be careful'?

Why should she need to be told that her DS has been “a little persistent”? That’s insulting her emotional intelligence, to presume that OP knows what DN is being better than the exSIL does

Exactly, I'm only presuming they didn't know he'd called so much, but maybe they did and were ok with it and I'm sure they wouldn't have appreciated me casting judgment on that

@mbosnz

Re the Moody Teenager thing, if you lay the foundations now, creating traditions and forming good relationships, you might find that they have their moments, but they value the time and interaction with you - even as teens, and while loudly decrying how lame you are. . . .

Lol, yes this is why we put electronics away on a Sunday and exH does too (it's the one thing we manage to agree on). I teach teenagers so luckily I feel I can gauge what makes them "family" people and what doesn't. Which is why I stress family time - even if it's watching Christmas movies which, let's face it, are more for me than them - trumps gaming with a cousin/friend

I'm a sarcastic person so I'd have said "yet your brother shagging someone else whilst married to me wasn't dickish, eh?"
You're not unreasonable at all, she needs to get a grip and tell her son of someone doesn't respond to get on with it.

I think you’re being mean allowing such limited screen time that your DD can’t chat to her cousin, unless she’s prepared to sacrifice other screen activities. This is the way kids interact these days, and if you don’t allow it, then their relationship will suffer, which will be a shame.

Currently my two are watching 'hallmark' made for TV Christmas movies with me, while on their phones (I'm so lax on the tech, lol), and laughing at their lame Mum. I love it.

Teens are the best!

@MillieVanilla

I'm a sarcastic person so I'd have said "yet your brother shagging someone else whilst married to me wasn't dickish, eh?" You're not unreasonable at all, she needs to get a grip and tell her son of someone doesn't respond to get on with it.

God she'd burst a vein! I'm sure they all think it's my fault because I wasn't a dutiful wife who put a bow in my hair and cooked pumpkin pies so he naturally looked elsewhere.

I think it's been too long since the message now to reply anything witty maybe strong and silent is the best approach anyway.

Or I could just reply "Lol u OK Hun. PM me!"

@Bagamoyo1

I think you’re being mean allowing such limited screen time that your DD can’t chat to her cousin, unless she’s prepared to sacrifice other screen activities. This is the way kids interact these days, and if you don’t allow it, then their relationship will suffer, which will be a shame.

But he doesn't want to just chat. He wants to talk to DD whilst they both play minecraft.

I actual think you're both being dicks.

She needs to manage her sons use of call time and making too many calls.

You need to allow screen time separately to call time. It's not easy atm due to isolation and I don't actually see why a chat over an iPad is classed as screen time when they can't do it face to face.

Oh yes that would be good too!
Honestly, the cheek of her.

Or I could just reply "Lol u OK Hun. PM me!"

Oh Gods, please do!

@Bagamoyo1

I think you’re being mean allowing such limited screen time that your DD can’t chat to her cousin, unless she’s prepared to sacrifice other screen activities. This is the way kids interact these days, and if you don’t allow it, then their relationship will suffer, which will be a shame.

I don't think 3 hours gaming on a weekend - especially when I only see her EOW - is mean at all I think it's very fair.

I really am not prepared to be just MumBot who facilitates every relationship my children have except the one they have with me. I don't want to end up being the Invisible Mum because I neglected their time with me. Gaming does not trunk family time. 3 hours on a weekend is plenty. She doesn't ask for more and she's happy with the set up.

@mbosnz

Currently my two are watching 'hallmark' made for TV Christmas movies with me, while on their phones (I'm so lax on the tech, lol), and laughing at their lame Mum. I love it.

Teens are the best!

Aw that's lovely @mbosnz tell them you sound cool to me!

What do you mean by 'better be careful'?

I mean that if you want to achieve your goal of ‘hunning it up’ by using pleasantries as a marker of emotional intelligence in order to get what you want out of people, you will come across many people who see your methods in exactly the opposite way to your intentions. Your actions will be wholly self-defeating.

Emotional intelligence is reading a situation, knowing which situation requires which response and providing it for the right reasons, being firm (but never rude) when required, setting boundaries, extending compassion and understanding when required but also a firm steer if required- on the part of all parties in the relationship. Obvious exceptions for children.

Emotional intelligence does not equal shunning conflict, smoothing things over, forgiving endlessly at your own expense, maintaining unequal relationships when you don’t want to, training yourself and others to offer pleasantries ‘because’. To my mind, this is not the way to building strong, meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and trust.

Chatting while playing a game is how kids interact. In the same way that if they were in a house together they wouldn’t just sit and talk, they’d do some activity and talk at the same time. So by limiting screen time, OP is saying the she can only keep in touch with her cousin if she fits it into her screen allowance.
OP I think you are letting your opinion of you ex and your ex SIL affect your DD’s relationship with her cousin, which I don’t think is fair.

I think it was important to say about the 23 times - that's not OK. YANBU about any of this.

However three hours seems very low