To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Not dickish.

I'd go fecking berserk if anyone called my phone 23 times. I would want to know a d if I got a message like yours I would say sorry. If my DC were pestering someone, I'd want to know and would take their phone off them for a bit.

Why should the DD have to allocate 45 minutes or whatever to her cousin, if that is not her preference? How is that fair? Surely it's far more logical to ask that her cousin is educated that he is not entitled to DD's time, and that it is not okay to pester her or her mother for it, beyond an initial invitation?

@Iris27

What exactly is the point of this AIBU?

I think.... so the OP can be superior and judgemental about her exSIL and also a bit snarky?

I feel like she’s up for a bit of confidence boost. Similar to the people who think a glass of wine on a weeknight is alcoholism and after watching Supersize Me thinks McDonalds is the work of the devil, and are outraged people don’t agree.

I get screen time, I get the constant calling, and I get the reason behind it. But the tone makes my eye roll back into my head, more than an MLM telling me they’re making loads of money and achieving a work life balance for their kids.

@AaronPurr

So you might say “well I don’t want you spending half an hour watching trash on YouTube now, but your cousin wants to play a game with you so you can have half an hour with him to catch up and play”. That’s what I would have done.

The 3 hours should be for the OPs daughter to use as she wants. If she'd rather spend 3 hours watching crap on youtube than talk to her cousin then so be it. You can't force someone to interect with another person.

She’s used up her 3 hours, that was the point. Time talking to her cousin would have been extra, and I would have allowed it, on the basis that having a good relationship with family is important .

@Bagamoyo1 see I'm trying to raise my kids to show them respect forms and that my time with them is valuable too - I'm afraid that gaming with cousins doesn't trump that.

I was more looking for a number of what you think is fair for gaming - not being facetious, genuinely curious!

@AaronPurr

So you might say “well I don’t want you spending half an hour watching trash on YouTube now, but your cousin wants to play a game with you so you can have half an hour with him to catch up and play”. That’s what I would have done.

The 3 hours should be for the OPs daughter to use as she wants. If she'd rather spend 3 hours watching crap on youtube than talk to her cousin then so be it. You can't force someone to interect with another person.

I was going to say I agree with this!! Her screen time is her own, if she wants to watch what I perceive as shite on YouTube, then that's fine, I'm no going to force my tastes on her.

@Bagamoyo1

I think screen time needs to be a bit more flexible. So you might say “well I don’t want you spending half an hour watching trash on YouTube now, but your cousin wants to play a game with you so you can have half an hour with him to catch up and play”. That’s what I would have done. I’m also a human being with needs and I like to spend time with my kids, but I acknowledge that they are individuals, and I am not their whole world, like I was when they were tiny babies.

What of daughter didn't want to.spend the extra time with her cousin...

@mbosnz

Why should the DD have to allocate 45 minutes or whatever to her cousin, if that is not her preference? How is that fair? Surely it's far more logical to ask that her cousin is educated that he is not entitled to DD's time, and that it is not okay to pester her or her mother for it, beyond an initial invitation?

Yes exactly, I won't be telling DD she has to placate anyone with her free time.

I wouldn’t want to set a rigid time, because it would depend on what else was happening that weekend . For example, my kids would have more screen time on a rainy weekend than a sunny one.

I think.... so the OP can be superior and judgemental about her exSIL and also a bit snarky?

I feel like she’s up for a bit of confidence boost. Similar to the people who think a glass of wine on a weeknight is alcoholism and after watching Supersize Me thinks McDonalds is the work of the devil, and are outraged people don’t agree

I get screen time, I get the constant calling, and I get the reason behind it. But the tone makes my eye roll back into my head, more than an MLM telling me they’re making loads of money and achieving a work life balance for their kids.

That's a weird take but ok.

Don't need a confidence boost thanks I'm very confident that I parent well.

@MummmyDayCareNameChangeAGAIN

You let him call 23 times.. poor little guy!

No, his lazy arsed parents let him call 23 times without knowing or caring what on earth their 8 year old was up to

@Bagamoyo1

I wouldn’t want to set a rigid time, because it would depend on what else was happening that weekend . For example, my kids would have more screen time on a rainy weekend than a sunny one.

This is why 3 hours is reasonable- we will be home for at least an hour a day Fri-Sun.

You MUST have a number though of ideal screen time as you think 3 hours is "too low".

I don't think being in contact / communicating with your cousin is 'screen time'.

And I think your message was very abrupt.

You could have handled it so much more gracefully.

You could have handled it so much more gracefully

Why should I be graceful
To someone who's been a dick to me? Why should I be graceful about someone allowing their 7yo to call my phone 23 times?

I don't think being in contact / communicating with your cousin is 'screen time

Why the sad face?
it's screen time because they're gaming together

Regardless of the rights and wrongs here, I do generally find that people who pride themselves on being blunt are prone to dickishness

No, I don’t. But I think that the fact that she used it all up on Friday suggests she’d like a bit more.
I’m no fan of gaming - in fact I loathe it, and I hate the way that lots of kids are glued to screens for hours on end. But I also acknowledge that it is an alternative to “play dates” in these socially distanced times, and I want my kids to have contact with friends/family if they want to.

The kids in my extended family see their cousins monthly at best. As an adult I only see my cousins at weddings and funerals! These cousins can see each other every other weekend - they aren’t missing each other, the DS just wants someone to game with.

@Bagamoyo1

No, I don’t. But I think that the fact that she used it all up on Friday suggests she’d like a bit more. I’m no fan of gaming - in fact I loathe it, and I hate the way that lots of kids are glued to screens for hours on end. But I also acknowledge that it is an alternative to “play dates” in these socially distanced times, and I want my kids to have contact with friends/family if they want to.

You told me 3 hours was too low but you don't have an appropriate number in mind? So by what measure is 3 hours "too low"?

She's 8 and can do basic maths, she knows if she's uses it all up on a Friday there's no more gaming on Saturday and Sunday.

You've also said you hate kids being glued to screens "for hours on end" - how many hours? Not 3 obviously, 3 isn't enough according to you. Can you see why I'm confused by your comments?

@exLtEveDallas yes exactly and when they're at ex's they often meet up in person, DC went for a meal with this cousin and another last weekend so hardly deprived of their company!

Why should I be graceful
To someone who's been a dick to me?

Of course you don't have to be.

You either care about maintaining a civil relationship or you don't. If you don't then fine, you can be blunt and she can take it badly and call you names.

Alternatively if you want a good relationship with her then accept she's the kind of person who doesn't appreciate your bluntness and change your tone when talking to her.

@formerbabe

Why should I be graceful To someone who's been a dick to me?

Of course you don't have to be.

You either care about maintaining a civil relationship or you don't. If you don't then fine, you can be blunt and she can take it badly and call you names.

Alternatively if you want a good relationship with her then accept she's the kind of person who doesn't appreciate your bluntness and change your tone when talking to her.

In other words/ she can be as much of a dick as she wants but I have to be nice to her?

Right-o

Whoever said before that people are all for asserting boundaries, until someone does it and they're called rude, is spot on.

People forget that in order to assert boundaries you HAVE to be blunt.

@Iris27

What exactly is the point of this AIBU?

To ask if OPs message was “Dickish” it’s literally in the title.

It wasn’t an invite to judge OPs parenting or screen time limits which is what it’s turned into.

Ok this is my last post on here because I have stuff to do. I’m not going to be pinned down to a specific time. Clearly rigid time allowances are your thing OP, but they’re not mine. I prefer to use common sense and judgement, based on the situation at the time. As I said as an example - a rainy day in school holidays with no homework to do and no outings possible = more screen time. A lovely sunny day, or a day when there is work to be done = less screen time.

But this post was never about me. It was about you. You asked if you were being unreasonable and I think you were. You’ve made it abundantly clear you have no concerns or doubts about your parenting, so I’m not sure what the purpose of this thread was. There’s clearly a lot of (probably justified) bitterness between you and your ex and his family, and I think this is at the crux of the matter.