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Original poster

To think I wasn't being a dick?

703 replies

GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 15:02

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all"Confused I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one Hmm)

OP posts:
Chestnutacorns123 · 29/11/2020 17:11

Sorry OP I think your response is very blunt and borderline rude. You could have sent the same message without mentioning the number of times DN had called and I think you'd have got a more positive response from SIL.

BecomeStronger · 29/11/2020 17:13

But this was a one off, unless we haven't been told of others, which seems unlikely. Of course if he's phoning 23 times in a day often there's a problem and it's not unreasonable to ask his mother to make it stop, but this was the first time and there was no need for the tone.

However, OP is apparently OK with upsetting people, she seems to think it's an example her DD needs to make her a strong woman, but doesn't like it when the response is equally blunt.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:13

Either you didn't see the messages so DN didn't get yours until after he'd sent 23 or you ignored him.

I sent the message after 22 missed calls, then he rang again. I didn't answer because a) I didn't want to b) I imagined his emotions were quite heightened and he'd be only upset with me saying no she can't play and c) I was watching Arthur Christmas. So I text exSIL. HTH

If you're trying to get in touch with someone, don't you keep trying until you get a response?

No, unless it's a dire emergency, I call once and maybe follow up with a text if I absolutely have to. What kind of rude person persistently calls someone?

OP posts:
Pechanga · 29/11/2020 17:14

I'd have just sent a quick message back to DN myself

'Hi DN, it's Glummy here, I see you're trying to get hold of DD, she's used all her screen time for the weekend but I'll tell her you said hello, I'll get her to FaceTime you next time she's on minecraft. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday xx'

I think the message ordering him to stop sent to his DM was pretty abrupt and I can see why she thinks it was dickish, I understand there's history here and you don't like the woman, but I think you were a bit harsh on DN who is just a child.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:15

How was OP or her DD being harassed when they were both apparently unaware he'd been calling?

It's about the action of the person, not how the recipient feels.

In this case the person is NOT DN - it is his parents for either allowing him to call 23 times or ignoring him for long enough that it escaped their notice.

FWIW the 23 missed calls were over a 3.5 period. Roughly

OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:16

@Chestnutacorns123

Sorry OP I think your response is very blunt and borderline rude. You could have sent the same message without mentioning the number of times DN had called and I think you'd have got a more positive response from SIL.
I think it was in her interest to know how much he'd call - I'd certainly want to know if it was one of my kids doing this persistently.
OP posts:
formerbabe · 29/11/2020 17:16

I sent the message after 22 missed calls, then he rang again. I didn't answer because a) I didn't want to b) I imagined his emotions were quite heightened and he'd be only upset with me saying no she can't play and c) I was watching Arthur Christmas. So I text exSIL. HTH

You sound pretty mean...he's seven..You could have picked up the phone...his emotions were obviously heightened by being ignored. I'd have answered and said nicely..."hi dn, it's aunty here, dd is busy so can't chat to you at the moment but I'll text your mummy now and organise a better time"

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:17

@BecomeStronger

But this was a one off, unless we haven't been told of others, which seems unlikely. Of course if he's phoning 23 times in a day often there's a problem and it's not unreasonable to ask his mother to make it stop, but this was the first time and there was no need for the tone.

However, OP is apparently OK with upsetting people, she seems to think it's an example her DD needs to make her a strong woman, but doesn't like it when the response is equally blunt.

It wasn't the first time he's persistently rang but he's never rang that many times - usually it's 4 or 5 missed calls (I put phones and tablets away on a Sunday)
OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:17

but doesn't like it when the response is equally blunt.

Telling someone to get their son to stop calling in a non-hun way is not the same as being called a dick

OP posts:
mbosnz · 29/11/2020 17:19

And then DN comes back. . .'can she chat now?'. Ten minutes later 'can she chat now?'. Twenty minutes later 'how about now'. . .' I mean, obviously the kid has very little to occupy his time, and it's dragging. . .

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:20

You sound pretty mean...he's seven..You could have picked up the phone...his emotions were obviously heightened by being ignored

And why is it up to me @formerbabe to, on my family Sunday with MY kids, deal with the heightened feelings of another child who is being presumably ignored by his own parents? This is why I messaged SIL (or one of the reasons)

OP posts:
MummmyDayCareNameChangeAGAIN · 29/11/2020 17:21

You let him call 23 times.. poor little guy!

formerbabe · 29/11/2020 17:22

@GlummyMcGlummerson

You sound pretty mean...he's seven..You could have picked up the phone...his emotions were obviously heightened by being ignored

And why is it up to me @formerbabe to, on my family Sunday with MY kids, deal with the heightened feelings of another child who is being presumably ignored by his own parents? This is why I messaged SIL (or one of the reasons)

Yes you were right to message her...he needs to understand social etiquette around calling people. But I'd have added a caveat to the message to her that you understand he wants to chat and that you think it's nice that they keep in touch but that he's been a little persistent
RandomMess · 29/11/2020 17:22

Perhaps convey the rule to DN that Sunday is family time and she is not free on Sunday's with you ever.

CoffeeRunner · 29/11/2020 17:22

@wirldsgonemad

I would have allowed some screen time together, connecting with family is precious.
This. With knobs on. If DD wanted to of course.
exLtEveDallas · 29/11/2020 17:24

Seeing as you messaged him after 22 missed calls to say that DD wouldn’t be answering and then he called again Shock I think your message to SIL was quite polite. I’d have been bloody raging that he’d called again after being told not to!

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:25

@MummmyDayCareNameChangeAGAIN

You let him call 23 times.. poor little guy!
I let him Confused how do you figure that one @MummmyDayCareNameChangeAGAIN
OP posts:
mbosnz · 29/11/2020 17:25

Um, couldn't OP's daughter have her contact with her cousin facilitated by her father on his time? Seems logical to me.

Connecting with family is most definitely precious - that is why OP wanted to connect with her daughter on her time, I imagine. . . perhaps her ex SIL needs it pointed out to her that she might want to spend a bit more time connected with her son on the weekends and all. . . softened with a 'hun' of course. . .

BexR · 29/11/2020 17:26

You were not rude.

The ex SIL sounds like a controlling personality, and one that's pissed off that she cant control you.

Don't reply. Silence will reinforce that she cant control your mood/emotions and that will really piss her off!

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:26

But I'd have added a caveat to the message to her that you understand he wants to chat and that you think it's nice that they keep in touch but that he's been a little persistent

See if just see that as being massively pandering and condescending 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
MustardMitt · 29/11/2020 17:26

*It's the difference between saying

Move, please.

And

Excuse me, can I just get through, thanks

Same request, different way of saying it.

Surely that's not a difficult concept?*

It’s really not. It’s the difference between ‘excuse me’ and your second one.

OP you were not a dick. You were not even impolite. Just ignore your former SIL.

Naillig222 · 29/11/2020 17:27

I think the wording of the message was a bit sharp. So while I see no issue with sending a message, I can see why she took it up that way.

formerbabe · 29/11/2020 17:29

@GlummyMcGlummerson

But I'd have added a caveat to the message to her that you understand he wants to chat and that you think it's nice that they keep in touch but that he's been a little persistent

See if just see that as being massively pandering and condescending 🤷‍♀️

It's basic emotional intelligence
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 17:30

@formerbabe I don't think it's "basic emotional intelligence" to be nice-for-the-sake-of-it to a user who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. I'm done being nice to people who are twats to me.

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 29/11/2020 17:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all op and am surprised so many posters seem to have an issue with how you dealt with this tbh!

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