To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

@GlummyMcGlummerson I am in love with you and your no nonsense sense of self respect! The fact that you are teaching both your son and daughter to respect you, themselves and your family time is missing in so many homes today. Your answers on this thread have patiently explained time and time again how it would be intrusive to answer the persistent calls of an unparented 7 year old child, how it would be intrusive to allow DD to have more screen time to satisfy the intrusive desires of the unparented 7 year old child, how it is in no way whatsoever the responsibility of an ex-aunt to buy gifts for an ex-niece, nephew because their uncle refuses to do so. The idea that protecting this child from the realities of life is somehow your responsibility is absolutely ludicrous! That responsibility is squarely on his parents and uncle. You absolutely win the entire internet for your composed, no nonsense response to this situation and to the many posters here who suggested that you suck it up and do everyone else's job for them at the expense of yourself, your daughter, your son and your time together. You should be so proud of yourself. I only wish more women (myself included! - I was a doormat for far too long after my own divorce and my children have suffered for it.) had the confidence to value themselves and their time with their children as clearly and lovingly as you do. Sounds like your nephew could use some time spent with his own parents if he was unparented for 3.5 hours and not taught to respect another person's time and how to handle his own emotions when he did not get a reply. You are a fabulous mom and appear to be doing a fantastic job raising your kids!! Some of the posters here have much to learn from you!!! It is long past time for women to stop participating in the sexist traditions that keep all women down. So glad to see someone putting words into action in real life. Keep it up and teach your kids the same.

@mbosnz

It is however, his parent's job to monitor and be aware of his online activity, including sending 23 calls. Which they weren't. Bit of a worry, really, isn't it? I'd say that kind of inattention and unawareness from his parents is far more likely to be detrimental to DN in the long run. And I'm afraid that the responsibility of parenting your child cannot be schuffed off onto ex-aunty and cousin. . .

This is so spot on.

I'm amazed at the posters who don't see this. The kid has far greater problems than OP can or should address.

@Womencanlift

Can’t believe it’s taken 21 pages until the Be Kind brigade turned up. Maybe the SIL should also have shown some kindness and checked in that her son’s aunty (yes the relationship works both ways) was ok after her brother tore her life apart.

Yep. It seems to me SIL set the tone here.

@WiddlinDiddlin

I just can't get over even at the DN's age, anyone thinking its ok to repeatedly call that many times in such a short time frame.

I appreciate I am now a dinosaur but I grew up in a world where you rang, someone answered the phone IF they were in (if they weren't they couldn't), IF they were free to talk, IF they wanted to... If you got no answer you waited several hours in case they were out, usually til a respectable amount of time after a meal time, or left a message if that was an option.

I see young men (possibly not limited to them but thats what I see) using 'blowing up your phone' as a threat to get women (again, might just be women) to respond, which means a barrage of contact via phone, messenger, facetime until the recipient responds.

Its a modern form of harrassment from a generation that expects everyone to respond IMMEDIATELY no matter where they are and what they are doing and I think its horrific, entitled, and can be incredibly stressful.

I'd be really worried if a child is being brought up to think thats acceptable. (Not that its the OP's job to do more than protect her DD of course!)

This is so true. What an entitled little monster SIL is raising. If he's this way at 7, imagine him as a frustrated 25-year-old?

ExSIL had the option of either repeatedly reminding her brother to get DN a present and making sure he did OR suggesting that she would get the present for her son, his DN, and he could give her the money for it. Simple. But no, makes far more sense to tell the ExW to do it Utterly batshit. Cannot believe the sexist and handmaidenish bollocks trotted out on this thread. In 20 years' time OP more women will think like you and look back on this type of sexist handmaidenish behaviour as positively antediluvian.

@terrimom's post says it beautifully.

So the posters on here who would continue sending their ex-husbands side of the family gifts after going thro a messy divorce and being treated like shit by his family.

Would you restrict it to just the DC or include adults?

Would you include any new DC born after the divorce that you’re never going to meet, wouldn’t it be mean not to I mean if your regularly sending EXSIL’s DC1 gifts it would be mean to miss out DC2, DC3 & DC4.

Also what happens if EXH gets remarried or gets a new skivvy girlfriend/wife does the responsibility then transfer over to the new partner or do you continue buying gifts for the rude grabby EXSIL’s kids?

Do you stop the gift giving when the kid is 18 or do you continue but switch the gifts to cash?

I’ve not kept in contact with any ex outlaws and this dilemma is now keeping me up.

I think the op is heroic!

What terrimom said.

I can't actually believe the responses here!
Your exSIL has no right to tell/remind/ask you to buy her child a present. I can't actually believe that any mother would message people to say "buy my child a present" is this normal??
I also don't understand why you were rude with a factual message but DN wasn't rude by calling you after he was asked by you not to and then exSIL calling you a dick.

There are certainly some rude interactions in your post, I can't see how any come from you.

I absolutely hate sugar coating messages. I can do it, and do where required in work/with family members who I think need it - but this is at my own discretion and an exSIL who behaves like her and is not afraid to call me a dick straight out, she would not be getting any niceties. I think what people are missing is the obvious character flaws she has which cause you to not want to pussyfoot around her and "hi hun" her.

I’m just commenting because I’ve been scrolling through all the OPs posts and she has bloody tickled me! I now feel happier starting my day I think I’ll take this new ethos of not ‘Hunning it up’ - it’s brilliant!
I am also another Mother, trying to raise her children to be confident using the word ‘no’ without having to justify themselves whenever they feel it necessary. In a world that promotes conformity, it is especially important our children learn they can be comfortable with saying ‘no’ and maintain their own boundaries, both personally and professionally.
Thanks for the laugh OP! Off to work ‘huns’

When i originally answered, i thought it was very young child wanting a wholesome chat with his cousin. Repeated calls to play videogames are different. My kids get this sometimes from their friends. Its not rude to ignore. Its actually really stressful at times. Seems to be a new phenomenon of kids harrassing each other to be online all the time

I cant believe that are suggesting OP is responsible for DNs presents. If my brother cheated I would be utterly embarrassed at the thought that my first contact with his ex is to tell her to get my children presents. If I was that concerned over my kids feeling left out I'd buy my own present and pretend it's from my brother. (That's if sending my brother a text reminding him not to be a dick and think of his nephew didnt work)
My own DH is useless at that sort of stuff. In the beginning I did buy and wrap presents but now I just remind him and its up to him to decide what to do. My SIL has been horrible towards me and so have her adult children so I dont see why I should bother when I'm just going to be bitched about regardless. I feel sorry for her younger daughter so I'm a little bit more involved in presents for her but if DH ever cheated I'd wash my hands of that responsibility immediately. And it would be laughable to expect DH to buy presents for my niece and nephews if we werent together.

None of the people who have said the OP is responsible for buying her children's cousin a gift, have answered when OP has asked them if her Ex-H is responsible for buying HER nephews and nieces gifts if she doesnt.

Funny that

Aw thank you @terrimom what a lovely post to wake up to, that's made my day that has 😊

I think the op is heroic!

Surely it's now up to the gf to organise presents from Op's ex?

@diddl there is no girlfriend, the teenage mistress (poor foolish girl) was a flash in the pan. But he will get one one day I'm sure to be his skivvy

Lol yes OP is an icon of feminism who thinks her exSIL is 'a fishwife'.

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@diddl there is no girlfriend, the teenage mistress (poor foolish girl) was a flash in the pan. But he will get one one day I'm sure to be his skivvy[/quote]
Ah, OK.

Well obviously if you want to organise presnts from you/your daughter that's entirely up to you.

Anything from him of course he needs to organise himself.

@RosyPickle

Lol yes OP is an icon of feminism who thinks her exSIL is 'a fishwife'.

Feminism is not thinking that every single woman in the world is an amazing warrior. Feminists are allowed to dislike other women. HTH.

And presumably using gendered insults is fine as well?

@RosyPickle you're right I should hand in my feminism card now, being a feminist means always being nice no matter how much people have treated you like crap and picking up after men when they fuck up because Being a Nice Woman is more important. Got it

And presumably using gendered insults is fine as well?

Yes, it is fine. Why do you imagine it isn't?

Lol this thread!!!

Oh oh oh boy HOW the folk drawn to AIBU hate it when an OP isn't humble enough and when a thread does not follow the satisfying trajectory that brings them here in the first place!

It's got funnier as it's gone on I must say. Now that the '23 calls, how could you let this poor ickle manchild-in-training suffer so' is blown out of the water as even they can't ignore the 50th post explaining that OP didn't know he was calling incessantly, they must Find Something Else to fill that, 'Aha, but you are in the wrong because X! We win! Ahh, AIBU is so saaaatisfying'.

You're not giving your public what they want, OP. They come here to listen with one eyebrow raised, point out sooo condescendingly why you are totally wrong, watch you try and justify then get to pull up posts where you contradict yourself then point those out - it's supposed to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

You've got great boundaries. You're clever and completely clear on what you've said and not said, and worst of all, you've done EXACTLY the things that on another thread, this same pack would be howling at you to do. 'Why the fuck are you doing his WIFEWORK, are you not a FEMINIST' - I can hear the likes of RosyPickle shouting that now and I am absolutely peeing my pants laughing.

OP you are spoiling it for them. You're supposed to get it wrong, apologise then change. They're literally losing it here - I am loving seeing some folk literally trying to justify why it's totally unreasonable and unkind that you would not continue to buy presents for your ex's sister's children when told to after he cheated and left and they have not spoken politely to you since. I'm tempted to actually copy and paste these posts to show just how much folk lose their minds when they cannot get what they want from an OP. For the record, what these folk want, and why they're here, is to get to be right. Lol.

This reminds me that SIL fell out with us because I didn't send her Birthday Card even though I didn't have her new address and it has always been DH job as it's his sister...

Basically an excuse to through a strop and drive a wedge between us and PIL!