To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Ok Glummy, let's agree to disagree. Presents for a child (who is your child's cousin so I don't really see the distinction there) isn't a hill I'd choose to die on but that's your choice obviously. I do care about sexism and I acknowledge the sexism in expecting women to do the presents etc, I just wouldn't want to be mean at Christmas. As you're now a separate entity why not get a gift from you and DD? Let your ex do whatever he's going to do, he's clearly a dick and I'm sure you're much happier without him. Sorry it's a crap situation all round but I still think DN should have a gift, clearly we don't have the same views though and that's fine.

There's been divorces in my family, my kids have coped just fine and understand things are different with aunty Katie now. If they got upset about presents I'd be telling my brother not aunty Katie to wise up and buy his niece and nephew a present

So he's not going to. That's on him. And surely it's easy enough to explain to a seven year old that Uncle slept with a teenager and did the dirty on his wife and children and that's why Uncle and Aunty aren't married anymore, which means that it's not up to Aunty to do presents for Uncle and Mummy's side of the family anymore, because after all blood is thicker than water, and Uncle is fricking useless, so no, you don't get presents from UNCLE any more?

Why the bloody hell should OP be forking out her money to cover his family obligations?!

@RosyPickle re sexism, if you'd be happy to be a doormat and pick up the slack for a useless ex you do that - but don't call other women mean for not being the same kind of doormat.

I agree DN should have a gift and it needs to come from his uncle. I am not buying his family presents simply because he refuses to or can't be arsed. I'm not in the marriage and I won't fill his gaps of incompetency any more. If that means a child goes without one present then I can live with that, a bit like ex does.

How is this a 20 page thread where seemingly no ones picked up that the DN here thinks it is ok to 'blow up' someones phone with constant calls and either his parents are unaware that he thinks this or are aware and have done nothing about it?

This is a tactic used to bully and harrass people into responding and whilst he may at his age, be unaware that it is inappropriate, it suggests he thinks his cousin SHOULD respond purely because HE demands it.. if left to continue thinking like this, he's going grow up thinking he can treat everyone like this.. just bombard them til they give in.

OP you don't sound like a dick to me in the slightest, and well done for protecting your DD from being harrassed by someone who should be being taught better and evidently isn't.

Of course, Aunty seems to be a bit hard of thinking here, which of course, could make it hard for her to explain a concept that she's clearly having difficulty grasping (and in general she seems so very good at being grasping), to her child. . .

Oh well. If the worst disappointment the child suffers in life is not getting one gift that would most likely be one amongst a multitude because his uncle was too lazy and too tight to buy his nephew one, he'll be doing alright, won't he?

To clarify, the Aunty to whom I was referring, was SIL.

If your ex was posting then I would absolutely say to get your sibling's children a gift if you for some reason weren't going to. Assuming they've grown up seeing him as an uncle (in this hypothetical scenario). So in answer to your question, yes I think that would be appropriate but I realise it's an unlikely scenario because yes, men do get a pass on this stuff which is wrong.

If your ex was posting then I would absolutely say to get your sibling's children a gift if you for some reason weren't going to.

I really don't believe you TBH.

@mbosnz

So he's not going to. That's on him. And surely it's easy enough to explain to a seven year old that Uncle slept with a teenager and did the dirty on his wife and children and that's why Uncle and Aunty aren't married anymore, which means that it's not up to Aunty to do presents for Uncle and Mummy's side of the family anymore, because after all blood is thicker than water, and Uncle is fricking useless, so no, you don't get presents from UNCLE any more?

Why the bloody hell should OP be forking out her money to cover his family obligations?!

This a hundred times over!

I had started to type a reply but you have said exactly what I wanted to say

If my brother had split his family apart the last thing I would be doing is expecting his wife to remember to get my son a birthday present. I am shocked that there are some posters who think for a second that this is ok.

Interesting that none of these posters have answered the OP when she has asked whether her ex should buy her own DNs birthday presents as it’s the same type of relationship after all

@WiddlinDiddlin

How is this a 20 page thread where seemingly no ones picked up that the DN here thinks it is ok to 'blow up' someones phone with constant calls and either his parents are unaware that he thinks this or are aware and have done nothing about it?

This is a tactic used to bully and harrass people into responding and whilst he may at his age, be unaware that it is inappropriate, it suggests he thinks his cousin SHOULD respond purely because HE demands it.. if left to continue thinking like this, he's going grow up thinking he can treat everyone like this.. just bombard them til they give in.

OP you don't sound like a dick to me in the slightest, and well done for protecting your DD from being harrassed by someone who should be being taught better and evidently isn't.

Absolutely agree.

The child has been raised to be entitled and expect immediate responses.

My daughter rings friends and family and knows that if they don’t respond first time
It could be for numerous reasons. They’re not being nasty or mean. Just getting on with something else.

It’s just bratty!

OP you sound bloody marvellous! 3 hours screen time is perfectly adequate (and your decision as a parent) if my DN rang 22 times I'd expect their mother to be furious they were mithering when we were obviously busy! ExSIL sounds like a dick, unfortunately, these bozos are everywhere
So are you a dick? Doesn't sound it to me. Should you prioritise your DN over your time with your children? Absolutely not. Fuck. That. Be it Minecraft, facetime, Roblox, or whatever, nothing is worth missing out on your time with them. They'll be grown before you know it. Enjoy every minute

For anyone interested I did reply saying if you want to stop DN calling that's fine, I'm happy to still have him call and game with DD as usual, as long as it's not excessive, but ultimately it's up to her.

I don't want to be accused of being the one who stopped the kids from having contact so thought I'd better clarify that I'm fine with it and she's the one potentially stopping contact

And quite frankly, rather than trying to impose on my wronged ex-sil and to get her to buy my kid a present, I'd be tearing my brother a new one if he was too tight and/or too lazy and/or too thoughtless to buy his nephew a birthday present. I'd be too mortified and embarrassed about how my brother had treated his wife and child to even think of approaching them in such a fashion. . .

I’m with you op.
The nephew needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you do not call pestering someone 23 times.
Bloody hell im from an era when you do not ring anyone after 10pm at night, the exception being if someone has died.
If anyone ever calls or messages after 10 I let them know I am in bed and ask what is so important they felt the need to call at that time,
I also agree it is not the ops responsibility to buy nephew presents, that’s his uncles job. If the uncle fails to do do his sister needs to take it up with him.

This is exactly what I meant about being quite fixed and rigid in your views though OP.

My two DC are autistic and their needs can be quite different. Having screen limits is a nightmare for us because they spend the whole time panicking and stressing about when the time might be up. It was the same with timers in school. We’ve learnt that it’s not a helpful approach for us but I completely accept we are in a minority. Please don’t get the impression that they spend all their time on screens though - it’s just that timers don’t work for us. Getting overstimulated is the main issue for my two. As I say, I know we’re different. My daughter spends most of her time crafting and my son plays obsessively with toy trains. I don’t let them play anything like Fortnite etc.

I do think an hour a day at the weekend sounds low, as do lots of others on this thread. But we all parent as we see fit. I think that you’re not seeing the value in activities such as Minecraft specifically. It has lots of educational value, it’s not empty time. I don’t think it would hurt to give her an extra hour to spend specifically on Minecraft over the weekend.

We were chatting about this in an SEN group I’m in the other day. Someone said that no parent gets het up about their child reading too many books, but we judge screen time differently - but why? I think it’s an interesting idea to consider. There are lots of games which aren’t over stimulating and are educational - if they were spending time on those rather than the blasted YouTube, is it that different from spending lots of time reading? I thought it was an interesting idea to mull over. Society and technology has changed but we haven’t really altered our thinking in the last 30 years.

It’s also worth mentioning that I don’t play games consoles, and I’m not a huge fan of films or TV generally. So I’m not defending my own interests or lifestyle.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your own needs met. However the point I was making is that what you seem solely focussed on your own feelings - just judging by your comments - and no, I don’t think that’s ok. I’m sure your DD does enjoy spending time with you but saying you can’t spare her an hour to play with DN on Minecraft sounds unhealthy. I sympathise because I think it must be bloody awful to lose them EOW.

Also in your reply, there’s that word “pandering” again. You seem to have a very poor opinion of your DN. I don’t think you should have “pandered” to him and stopped your film. But later on, you probably could have found a kinder way to deal with how he’s feeling. The thing is, you summed it up - you don’t feel any obligation to him. Lots of us would feel differently about our DN. it seems that your feelings to the ex and his family are colouring your behaviour. Or maybe you’re always like that. Either way, I think that’s why you’ve gotten the responses you have - lots of people view their DN to how you do. You’re not really Aunty Glummy to him at all if you’re not interested in him or how he feels. Again, if that’s how you roll, that’s your choice.

I just can't get over even at the DN's age, anyone thinking its ok to repeatedly call that many times in such a short time frame.

I appreciate I am now a dinosaur but I grew up in a world where you rang, someone answered the phone IF they were in (if they weren't they couldn't), IF they were free to talk, IF they wanted to... If you got no answer you waited several hours in case they were out, usually til a respectable amount of time after a meal time, or left a message if that was an option.

I see young men (possibly not limited to them but thats what I see) using 'blowing up your phone' as a threat to get women (again, might just be women) to respond, which means a barrage of contact via phone, messenger, facetime until the recipient responds.

Its a modern form of harrassment from a generation that expects everyone to respond IMMEDIATELY no matter where they are and what they are doing and I think its horrific, entitled, and can be incredibly stressful.

I'd be really worried if a child is being brought up to think thats acceptable. (Not that its the OP's job to do more than protect her DD of course!)

I really don't believe you TBH

Ok. Not much I can say to that then!

You really don't see DN as family to you in any way then?

Should OP be 'family' when it materially benefits her ex-inlaws, however, blood is thicker than water and she is 'not family' when it suits them? I find that quite hard to wrap my head around. To expect someone to be mooshy over my kid, and 'the bigger person', when I've been hard as nails about the way my sibling has exploded the lives of her and her kid. . .

How nauseatingly, materialistically, hypocritical. . .

@ExhaustedFlamingo like I say more power toy you for your flexible approach to screen time, I'm pleased you can do what works for you, you will get no judgement from me. But my DD is the devil incarnate if she's had too much screen time and restrictions give us a harmonious household.

I agree Minecraft is great, very educational. she did go through a weird phase of watching people opening Kinder eggs on YouTube, thank god that is over

I think screen time and reading are very different, with different outcomes - there is evidence to suggest that, like on the case of my DD, too much screen time can be detrimental and addictive. There's no downside to too much reading.

I assure you my weekends with them are not all about me, she's happy with what we do as doesn't pine for more Minecraft time. An hour a day is plenty for her.

No, I have no obligation to ex's family, why would I? I facilitate a relationship between him and DD. What more do I need to do? I can't be fully involved in all of ex's family members lives - aside from the fact I live so far away now, it's just not appropriate or needed. I'm not a person who loved ex's nephews and nieces like I love my own - I felt the love for my sibling's kids instantly, not so much with my ex's sibling's kids. I think that's entirely normal, and doesn't make me any worse a person than someone who does love theirs and maintains contact after a split. ExH probably doesn't even remember the names of my sibling's kids, yet I'm expected to take relationships with his forward?

This thread is bizarre.

Usually on here parents are accused of being too lenient with screen time and failing as women by doing wifework of present buying.

Now the OP is failing by having limited screentime (which her DD doesn't complain about) and is a dick because she doesn't buy a present for her ex's entitled sister's kid.

The only response from the SIL should have been an embarassed one because calling someone over 20 times and sending messages like "call me now" is ridiculous and should never have happened because the 7yo should have been supervised by his parents.

@RosyPickle

I really don't believe you TBH

Ok. Not much I can say to that then!

You really don't see DN as family to you in any way then?

DN is my children's cousin, and that's how I see the connection. That doesn't make me a bad person or mean, the same way it doesn't make exH mean for the fact he hast stayed in touch with my sibling's kids.

And no I don't believe you'd think a man was awful for not picking up his lazy ex's slack in buying her family presents. I think we don't even see internalised misogyny, you've said you don't care that something is sexist towards women so forgive me if I don't see you as someone who thinks men needs to pick up the pieces for women.

@RosyPickle I think you’ve hit the nail on your head with the last comment - OP doesn’t see DN as anything to do with her.

I fight fiercely for feminism but I also agree, this isn’t a hill I’d die on. I’d buy a gift so the DN doesn’t miss out. You’re not covering for the ex, it’s because the DN is the cousin to your own DC. Just like I’d buy one of their school friends a gift. I know the OP sees this as pandering to kids but I’d rather he didn’t miss out. I don’t see it as sacrificing feminist views because you’re not accepting it’s your role - you’re doing it out of kindness so a child doesn’t lose out. Not every action in life has to be aggressively idealistic. Just because he wouldn’t do it in return is kind of irrelevant - it’s an action to take because you care whether the DN gets a gift. That would be my reasoning. But is it OP’s duty? No. But it would still be a kind thing to do. I set a lot of store by kindness.

OP doesn’t see DN as anything to do with her.

He is my children's cousin and that's that.

Is my ex so awful for not even knowing the names, let alone ages or birthdays, of my brothers' and sister's children? Is it only something women should continue to do, keep up the "aunty" game.

[quote ExhaustedFlamingo]@RosyPickle I think you’ve hit the nail on your head with the last comment - OP doesn’t see DN as anything to do with her.

I fight fiercely for feminism but I also agree, this isn’t a hill I’d die on. I’d buy a gift so the DN doesn’t miss out. You’re not covering for the ex, it’s because the DN is the cousin to your own DC. Just like I’d buy one of their school friends a gift. I know the OP sees this as pandering to kids but I’d rather he didn’t miss out. I don’t see it as sacrificing feminist views because you’re not accepting it’s your role - you’re doing it out of kindness so a child doesn’t lose out. Not every action in life has to be aggressively idealistic. Just because he wouldn’t do it in return is kind of irrelevant - it’s an action to take because you care whether the DN gets a gift. That would be my reasoning. But is it OP’s duty? No. But it would still be a kind thing to do. I set a lot of store by kindness.[/quote]
How far does that responsibility go?

Does the OP have to buy every member of the ex's family presents?

Or just the one with a pushy mother (who is incapable of pushing her own brother)?