To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Krampusnacht

Whatever... that just establishes a pattern of behaviour: it would seem reasonable to me to expect the ex SIL to check she was OK after her brother had dumped her from a great height.

The ex SIL by contrast seems emotionally manipulative in the extreme: failing to prevent a small child embarrassing himself through poor parenting and then blaming the OP for the fallout etc.

Do tou know what @YoniAndGuy you are absolutely right. I'd probably be called a psycho but as DD would say "I'm so beyond the valley of caring"

@TicTacTwo

I would reply

"Dd loves dn and wasn't ignoring him. If there is no reply to a message, it would be better if he sent a message asking to be contacted as soon as dd saw the message rather than call 23 times.
If he wants to set up some gaming time with dd it might be best if he texted during the week asking dd if she was free at a certain time so he's not left disappointed.
Reminders about gifts and cards should continue to go through ex. "

The problem is I don't want to make DD beholden to calling him back.

@TicTacTwo

I think the hard bit now is explaining to dd what happened or she's going to be thrown this weekend when her aunt and cousin act strangely around her.

If exSIL does cut contact between the kids I'll tell DD the truth. I'm not lying on behalf of shitty selfish adults.

GlummyMcGlummerson

"If exSIL does cut contact between the kids I'll tell DD the truth. I'm not lying on behalf of shitty selfish adults."

Yep. Not for you to paper over someone using their child to emotionally manipulate people.

It's not her job to support you after the split, regardless of what her brother did he's still her brother

If my brother had ducked a 17yo the very least I would've done is send a "hope you're ok" message to his wife. But the first I heard from his sister was to check I was buying her kids presents. Why should I be anything but discourteous back?.

But the double standard here is you expect nice polite messages from her but say yourself that you're quite abrupt and don't do the u ok hun spiel. So why should she??

I expect her not to call me a dick after her son calls my phone 23 times. I expect her it to harass me about present buying which is her brother's job.

You've likely made it awkward for your DD when she next sees her cousin.

I've done nothing of the sort. ExSIL has made it awkward but

• allowing her DS to excessively call me
• being a prick when I ask it to stop
• being the one to cut contact between them. I'm happy for this to continue, just not whoever DN demands it

Or is that not your problem either?

ExSIL has (maybe) chosen to cut the kids off - I'm not gonna beg her to change her mind

How can Op have made it awkward?

The cousins don't know anyrthing about it & SIL is supposedly an adult!

This probably sounds snobbish & bitchy, but she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to spend time with & by extension my kids.

@diddl the cousins are fine, nice kids but exSIL is a total fishwife 🙊 glad to not have to tolerate insufferable people anymore!

She will no doubt tell DD how awful I was at the weekend when she sees her, how I was ignoring her precious. Luckily DD is also quite to-the-point, thick skinned and fiercely protective of me since the divorce (both kids are) and in that situation would tell her to stop saying horrible things about me....exH has already pulled me up on "I can't say anything about you without them attacking me, they're ALWAYS on your side you've POISONED them against me" hang on mate why are you saying anything about me to the kids?! We are never together except for drop off and pick up and then it's a quick hello and exchange of information. No pleasantries - so he's talking about me behind me back and annoyed they don't think it's great . I can only imagine the blind fury if I told ex that slagging him off to them wasn't going down well.

I'm not about to read 19 pages of this but, just in case no one has already suggested it ... You could've just muted the nephew on messenger - messenger allows you to mute for set time limits starting at 15 minutes that automatically reset to unmute when the time's up - problem solved without any awkward ex in law conversations!

That said - nephew needs to be taught that 23 calls and demands are not okay! and maybe you could've allowed a quick chat between them without the gaming.

I love that your SIL hasn't any comment to your Ex being unfaithful with a 17 year old but is outraged at you not continuing to do his wife work.🙄....idiot.

What a horror.
Mortified for her🙄

And we wonder what sort of hole in the ground men like your ex crawled out of.....the same hole his sister inhabits.

You are NOT the problem OP.

Totally not being a dick. Perhaps might have been phrased treading a little more lightly, but that's all.
And don't let anyone give you grief about her screen time restrictions. You are not wrong to want to restrict screen time.

No, I mean if the kids get on I'd tolerate her for that.

Tbh she sounds as if she's only interested in your daughter for her entertainment value to her son.

What's the liklihood of when her son shows no interest then neither will she?

Does your ex take your daughter to see them EOW?

Block ex SIL and move on with your life you do not need to have her number anymore, if nephew doesn’t this again just message ‘I’m not allowed on today’ from your DD and mute his messenger on your phone

I think your tone may of been a bit dickish to be honest. Anything in writing can be misinterpreted. Perhaps could of been approached with more kindness. I do see why you messaged, but just could of been done sensitively.

OMG. Just let it lie. Dont be so quick to jump on stuff. Give it a week and text ex sil and organise time the cousins cant talk. Stop letting a break up get in the way of their relationship

No, you’re definitely not being a dick.

As an adult she should be more than aware of what he is getting up to on her messenger and shouldn’t allowed him to have called 23 times.

I also really dislike parents that raise children that have learned the whole pity party ‘you’re upsetting me’ BS just because they’re not getting their own way. It’s really entitled. If they’re genuinely upset over something then fair enough but if it’s because you’re not getting your own way then...🤷‍♀️

Not sure SIL is a fishwife but she does seem like a drama Queen wants escalate it rather than just go "righto will explain to him it wasn't ok"

YANBU.

When I was younger (before kids had mobiles) I wouldn’t have dreamed of calling someone’s house phone 23 times!

And agree with previous posters - it was totally normal as a child when you called someone’s house to be told “x can’t talk right now, she’s doing homework, practicing piano etc”.

I get what people are saying about the other child’s feelings being hurt but that’s a chance for mum to teach him not to take it personally, other person is busy etc.

I agree a bit with your SIL. Talking to family shouldn't count as screentime. Let her have her chat and then take it off her again. Don't make your child piggy in the middle

@GlummyMcGlummerson Trouble is, even the most benign message can come across shitty on messaging. And Covid/restrictions/lockdown is really starting to make people real spiky. You could message her and say no offense intended, DD has strict screen time quota, I was up to my eyes, couldn’t manage all his calls (23 calls? From a 7 year old? Controlling much). Or, you could just leave it, she’ll get over it. Some people are looking for a reason for a barney/taking their stress out on other people at the moment. Good luck

@GlummyMcGlummerson God I lerrrvv “beyond the valley of caring”. Your DD is a genius!

So does your Exsil expect a present? Did she outrightly txt you asking for a present for DN? Because even on normal terms you wouldn’t usually request presents...

I do understand how it must feel that your ex family haven’t checked in it’s shitty of them. I would however still try and keep the cousin bond going because it’s nothing to do with them.

but luckily he agrees that DD is under no on obligation to have her screen time with him).

This is the only part I feel is Dickish. It’s a bit much they are kids FGS.

Why are people saying talking to her cousin shouldn’t count as screen time.

OP has made it clear, phone calls for chats aren’t but cousin wants to play minecraft which is gaming and screentime. He doesn’t want a quick chat.

SIL sounds a piece of work. I can’t stand it when people call to remind you of the child’s birthday. It’s bloody rude. Thank god you monitor screen time, calling 23 times screams a problem with that child.