To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

I'd reply:

'Yes, he is useless, isn't he? He didn't care enough about me and our children not to cheat and shatter our family, and he doesn't care enough about your children to even be bothered to send them a card. I can't solve that, no matter how much you bust a gut trying to blame me. We don't need to be enemies, SIL. It would have meant a lot to me if the first message I'd had from you after the split was 'How are you?' rather than an instruction to carry on covering up his selfishness. I can understand you need to show that you support him. That doesn't need to mean you need to hate me. I want DD to be close to her cousins, yes. Bear in mind, I actually want that much more than your brother does because, as you now know, he doesn't really give a shit about anybody but himself.'

I’m only on SIL’s side at all @LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb but that doesn’t mean OP hasn’t come across as snarky and unlikeable.
“AIBU?”
“Yes”
“ I don’t give a fuck what you think. Look how clever I am in my responses to you all”

*not on SIL side (bloody autocorrect!)

@CanICelebrate my AIBU was "was I a dick in this message". Lots of people have said yes. I said fair enough.

Some people have picked up on other parts of my post, like I should be glued to my phone in case someone calls for my child and it was terrible to not stop family film to answer a call from a persistent and upset child. That I am allowed to disagree with and dog my heels in because it wasn't my AIBU. Do you see the difference?

@CanIcelebrate I think you'll find the majority said she is NOT being U. so you're wrong on that, just as you're wrong in your assessment of OP.

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb You think I’m wrong but I don’t think I’m wrong!
I think SIL is a dick too!

@YoniAndGuy that's a great reply, though I really don't want to get into it about ex with SIL as she is very much "blood is thicker than water" and would never ever admit that him fucking a teenager was an awful thing to do. She probably would blame me - she's the kind of person who says men "babysit" their children and thinks taking the bins out is a man's job you know the type. Probably thinks he simply had to run into the arms of a teenager because I wasn't being his human wank sick often enough, or something.

*wank sock

Imagine of this was a child knocking on the door all day to play when you’ve arranged stuff to do, could be a film or a walk etc, you’d be annoyed.

You did the right thing OP.

I would reply - I’m not stopping them gaming. They play for hours on Friday. It’s your choice.

I feel so old sometimes. Who lets their 7 year old send 23 messages in 3 hours and then blames the other parent because said 7 year old was upset at being ‘ignored’? It sounds like he needs some screen time limits and some actual parenting.

💃🏻

Im only on SIL’s side at all @LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb* but that doesn’t mean OP hasn’t come across as snarky and unlikeable.*
“AIBU?”
“Yes”
“grin hmm I don’t give a fuck what you think. Look how clever I am in my responses to you all”

That didn’t happen though.

@AaronPurr

This has been such a weird thread. I honestly can't believe some of the responses.

Op you're not a dick. 3 hours of gaming / watching youtube at a weekend is plenty for an 8 year old, and the nephew needs to learn some manners.

This.

SIL should be ashamed that her child was so desperate for attention AND unsupervised that he was able to phone anyone 23 times.

If anyone called me pathetic I'd block them. Tell her your DD can interact with her child on ex's time and to leave you alone. And remind her he fucked a teen, leading to this situation.

I want to read the thread about SIL demand re presents.

It'll be a shame if she goes all drama llama and stops contact, but in some ways it might be no bad thing in the long run if she stops her DS from calling at all and the cousins only have contact when your DD is with her Dad.

Your ex-SIL is extremely entitled with the whole wife work bollocks and clearly thinks her DS should be everyone's priority. Any other parent would be mortified that their child had made so many calls when your DD was clearly busy. Instead she's decided that her precious boy was being ignored. Not only does her DS have no respect for your DD's time, but neither does she. That's not going to improve, and will probably get worse.

Brother is useless with cards and presents you know this. I will ask DN to stop calling DD altogether if it's a problem it will break his heart but I will not put up with him being ignored.

God she's a dick isn't she your ex SIL.

This reply says it all.

a) She knows he's shit with communication and obligations but she won't call him on it because he has a penis. You are expected to step into the gap because you haven't.
b) She's passive aggressive and using her kid as emotional blackmail.

I think your life will improve greatly for not having her in it.

The real acid test will be whether the poor little boy continues to want to keep up the friendship with your DD. I'd put money on her telling him your DD doesn't like him or something equally nasty.

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@YoniAndGuy that's a great reply, though I really don't want to get into it about ex with SIL as she is very much "blood is thicker than water" and would never ever admit that him fucking a teenager was an awful thing to do. She probably would blame me - she's the kind of person who says men "babysit" their children and thinks taking the bins out is a man's job you know the type. Probably thinks he simply had to run into the arms of a teenager because I wasn't being his human wank sick often enough, or something.[/quote]
I see your point.

But maybe you should. You're at the point of falling out here, so what have you got to lose?

Especially in a message which, like it or not, she's not going to be able to stop herself reading, re-reading, and re-reading.

A face to face would be awful. But - a to the point message which also is honest about your not wanting to fall out... I wonder. She'd never admit it, but she knows the truth underneath. So you might just find that it hits home.

@HeyChubbee

My reply would be -

‘Ok’

I agree with that tbh.

What's the point in saying more?

If you don't answer immediately in future you'll be "ignoring".

You'll never be right in the situation-better off out of it!

The cousins like each other at the moment (or at least are happy to play computer games together).

But long-term, I can't see a really great future for this relationship. SIL is going to bring up her son to be an entitled dick with no boundaries. She is also going to badmouth you to him. It's going to cause stress to you and your DD.

I'm not saying that the cousinly friendship needs to be knocked on the head right now, or anything like that. But I wouldn't be busting a gut to preserve it. It would probably be best (if possible) if it dwindled away and your XH and ex-in-laws were left to sort out any contact between the cousins. Why should you have to deal with their shit?

@CanICelebrate

You are clearly prone to being a dick given some of your snarky replies and emojis on this thread. I think you’ve come across as very unlikeable which is why you’ve got such harsh responses!!

You are either hard of reading or have posted on the wrong thread. I would say over the last couple of pages only you and @Galaxy have posted who think @GlummyMcGlummerson is wrong.

i think id reply with "look, youre being ridiculous. I am delighted the cousins have remained so close and am happy for them to play minecraft together. At the same time though, we do put limits on screentime and she had used it up and we were busy watching a film. Please tell DN that if someone doesnt answer once, its ok to try again, but if someone tries 29 times then theres likely a reason theres no answer.
Now please stop nitpicking at me. You or your mum need to remind your brother about kids birthdays, not me. Now can you please chill the fuck out and the kids can facetime each other next weekend OK

I would reply

"Dd loves dn and wasn't ignoring him. If there is no reply to a message, it would be better if he sent a message asking to be contacted as soon as dd saw the message rather than call 23 times.
If he wants to set up some gaming time with dd it might be best if he texted during the week asking dd if she was free at a certain time so he's not left disappointed.
Reminders about gifts and cards should continue to go through ex. "

I think the hard bit now is explaining to dd what happened or she's going to be thrown this weekend when her aunt and cousin act strangely around her.

@YoniAndGuy

I'd reply:

'Yes, he is useless, isn't he? He didn't care enough about me and our children not to cheat and shatter our family, and he doesn't care enough about your children to even be bothered to send them a card. I can't solve that, no matter how much you bust a gut trying to blame me. We don't need to be enemies, SIL. It would have meant a lot to me if the first message I'd had from you after the split was 'How are you?' rather than an instruction to carry on covering up his selfishness. I can understand you need to show that you support him. That doesn't need to mean you need to hate me. I want DD to be close to her cousins, yes. Bear in mind, I actually want that much more than your brother does because, as you now know, he doesn't really give a shit about anybody but himself.'

👏👏👏

So much bitterness and vitriol towards the exSil and by extension her 7yo. Is it her fault her brother cheated on you?? It's not her job to support you after the split, regardless of what her brother did he's still her brother. Would it have killed her to ask how you were? No. But the double standard here is you expect nice polite messages from her but say yourself that you're quite abrupt and don't do the u ok hun spiel. So why should she??

You've likely made it awkward for your DD when she next sees her cousin.

Or is that not your problem either?

Krampusnacht

"It's not her job to support you after the split, regardless of what her brother did he's still her brother. Would it have killed her to ask how you were? No. But the double standard here is you expect nice polite messages from her but say yourself that you're quite abrupt and don't do the u ok hun spiel. So why should she??"

The OP doesn't expect her to support her after the split and doesn't expect "nice polite messages". She expects the ex SIL to step in to stop her child from borderline harrassment of her own DD via phone and to stop guilt-tripping her.

Neither has the OP made it awkward for her DD: the ex SIL did that by allowing her child to make multiple phonecalls and then accusing her of "ignoring" her son.

@thepeopleversuswork have you read the whole thread? OP was annoyed that her exSil asked her to sort out presents for her children but didn't ask how she was after the split.