To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

[quote Krampusnacht]@GlummyMcGlummerson mine are allowed 2 hours a day over the weekend. I also have to send mine to exh eow and have all the busy stuff on an evening after school, but I consider that to be quality time too. I'm not that precious about them hanging off my coat tails on 'my' weekend, because it's also 'their' weekend. We watch a film, popcorn, go out, but they get a couple of hours screen time or a little more if it's a crap day or we're not heading out. Also I don't ignore phone calls from children. It's pretty mean. [/quote]

Why is it mean - we were busy, he'd called excessively?

So you have an hour extra for your kids than my DD does. Clearly a superior parent

@Krampusnacht

Obviously every family is different but I find it very odd to basically cut off children you've watched grow up and been aunt/uncle to. My exh was a crap husband but that's not his sisters fault or her kids

I am not perusing a relationship with a family who don't want to know me thank you, plus they live 100 miles away. I was loving and caring toward them when I was married, but they are not my family and I moved 100 miles back to my hometown precisely to get away from the overbearing presence and toxicity of my ex and his family and friends.

You haven't answered if you're equally as disgusted at him for not keeping in touch with my nieces and nephews?

@LovePoppy maybe she didn't want to, but she wasn't even given the option! OP decided for her DD that she wasn't talking to her cousin that day.

To clarify: 2 hours Friday evening, 2 hours Saturday and 2 hours Sunday. So 6 hours all together. That's double yours. And we still manage to watch a film together or go out.

OP decided for her DD that she wasn't talking to her cousin that day.

Yep, I did. The same way i decided it wasn't a day to talk to her Gran, uncle or godmother. Just because someone calls you are not obliged to talk to them or even consider talking to them. It was a day for us three. She can see DN in the flesh when she's at her dad's (when he RelInQUisHes his time 😂)

That's double yours

OooooooOOOooooooh get you.

But is your dad harder than my dad?

@GlummyMcGlummerson ah well, it’s not like there was a friendship there so nothing lost really! Please let us know if she does reply though 💃🏻

@GlummyMcGlummerson I am equally disgusted at him.

Honestly families are all different, obviously I get that! My exh is an utter twat and I was never close to his family but my DC are close to their cousins so I'm happy to keep facilitating that relationship for them. I'm still fond of them and it's not their fault my exh is

Screen time is what it is, my exh is a gamer and my kids have a lot of fun gaming and keeping in touch with their friends and extended family - they're also miles away from us! I allow 6 hours all told over Friday/Saturday/Sunday but I fully appreciate some people are stricter on that.

Your question really though was asking if you were a dick in your text to your exSil not whether you should allow more screen time etc. So in response to your initial question.. you were a bit abrupt but I wouldn't say dickish, no.

@GlummyMcGlummerson my dad died recently. Cheers.

my DC are close to their cousins so I'm happy to keep facilitating that relationship for them. I'm still fond of them and it's not their fault my exh is

See it's up to my ex to facilitate a relationship with the kids and his siblings. None of this is the kid's fault but I'm not going to put in effort for a family who don't care for me, don't live nearby and who can seek contact with my DC through their dad.

My exMIL is someone I was very fond of and we've stayed in touch, she was a rock over lockdown actually. but I'm not devastated at his siblings and their children not being in my life anymore, and they aren't for me, so no reason for me to stay in touch.

@Krampusnacht well my dad died a few years ago, and I still can make a joke.

And you needn't be disgusted at anyone - I'd find it weir AF if my ex started muscling in on my siblings families.

Start to realise that your situation is not the same as everyone else's, and so you can't judge others based on what you did or didn't do - trust me, you'll be far happier in life if you do.

@GlummyMcGlummerson I'm perfectly happy thanks, and I'm not judging you. What's the point in this thread?

3 hours, over a wet, mIserable weekend, in lockdOwn is massively tight. Not as iF the Poor kid can socialise in person is it?

@Krampusnacht to ask I IWBU are the content of the text.

@supersonicginandtonic why is that tight?! There's plenty of other fun things we do. It's not like I have 2 options:

1. Gaming
2. Put to work in a Russian Gulag

How much gaming time would you allow for an 8yo?

And she can actually socialise with others when she's at her dad's.

It certainly wasn't raining here all weekend. We even managed a bike ride yesterday

I genuinely don't understand why everyone isn't sympathetic to the OP.

OP you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Your exSIL is a grabby CF.

I have absolutely no doubt that her dick comment was after your response to her CF expectations.
I would be pissed off if my son called someone repeatedly (he has, I was pissed off) just as I would be annoyed if people repeatedly called his phone (they do, it's really annoying).

After 23 calls, asking someone to stop does not make them unreasonable!

@GlummyMcGlummerson yes there's lots of other things to do, but at the minute talking to others is very important.

My older kids are teens now but at 8, it varied depending on the weather. It's only minecraft after all and if the weather was crap, I allowed more gaming time or had duvet days watching films. Extra screen time won't damage them, especially when they are talking with others.

Ok, but how are you measuring that 3 hours is "massively tight"?

Talking over gaming isn't the same as having a conversation.

She sees plenty of people at school during the week, she will see her cousin in the flesh next weekend - she's not deprived of social interaction.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I think you're being a dick too. I'd facilitate any cousin relationship in these circumstances. You're being willfully obtuse and your dd is the one to lose out.

Ps set up Google hangouts, no need for your dd/dn to use Facebook messenger on your phone.

She also saw him for 3 hours in the pub last Sunday so definitely not being deprived of cousin time.

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Krampusnacht well my dad died a few years ago, and I still can make a joke. [/quote]
Bit below the belt glummy

I think you're being a dick too. I'd facilitate any cousin relationship in these circumstances.

I am. But I'm doing it on my family's terms, not their family's terms.

You're being willfully obtuse and your dd is the one to lose out

Losing out on what? She handed with him for almost 3 hours on Friday. She saw him last weekend, they apparently spent 3 hours together in the pub, hardly losing out.

Ps set up Google hangouts, no need for your dd/dn to use Facebook messenger on your phone.

She doesn't message from it she only does face calls so I don't mind too much.

*chatted not handed!

Your DD does not need more than 3 hours of gaming with her cousin on your weekend when she saw him last weekend and will see him next weekend - MN is a weird parallel universe!

Obviously every family is different but I find it very odd to basically cut off children you've watched grow up and been aunt/uncle to. My exh was a crap husband but that's not his sisters fault or her kids

XSIL has contacted OP once to check that she was buying a gift for her child. I think it's safe to say that she wouldn't want to meet up or communicate with OP.

She encouraged playing Minecraft until September and her posts suggest that while she was annoyed about the 23 calls, she doesn't dislike her DD's nephew.

I don't know why everyone assumes that the weather is the same all over the country. It only rained overnight here so it would be easy to go out for a couple of hours exercise.