To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

@FitterHappierMoreProductive

And you did ask whether you were being unreasonable. We’ve only answered...

I asked if I was being a dick in the text message - which I concede I kind of was but not without good reason - I wasn't asking for opinions on if I should have answered the phone. Of course I shouldn't have had to.

There's usually a vocal minority on here that says they'll answer a text or return a call when it's convenient for them and not a moment sooner. Those people usually say that it can reasonably take a day or two because they aren't glued to their phone yet op was supposed to pause the film to cal dn? It's the weekend so perfectly plausible that OP's family were out having their daily exercise or at the supermarket or something.

Haha @GlummyMcGlummerson

In fact here's the text I would have probably sent to any of MY siblings has their kids done this:

Alright dickhead, did you know has tried to call DD 23 times? Sort it out guvnor, we're busy.

But like I say my siblings are nice to me and worthy of a nice message. Someone whose been a dick to me isn't.

I think if it's a sibling you can joke about what else their child might have been up to if they could make 23 calls without them realising.

In fact here's the text I would have probably sent to any of MY siblings has their kids done this:

Alright dickhead, did you know has tried to call DD 23 times? Sort it out guvnor, we're busy.

We'd probably send similar messages among our family. The parent of the persistant caller would have been mortified and have a stern word, because repeatedly calling; let alone 23 times, is rude behaviour.

So your nephew is 'nothing to do with you'? Is he now your ex-nephew then? You seem quite mean spirited towards him tbh.

You keep going on about your time with your DC and won't budge on the 3 hour screen time rule (which is pretty short imo) and say she can see her cousin during her dad's weekend. But why should her dad relinquish some of his 2 days with her when you're not willing to relinquish a little of yours just to let her answer the phone for 5 minutes? And I'm assuming she's with you all week too? Do you not get any time together in the evenings at all??

You're coming across as quite rude and you clearly don't think you were unreasonable at all, so why the thread?

Maybe she facilitates contact with her side of the family on her weekends so her Dad should facilitate contact with his side on his weekends?

So your nephew is 'nothing to do with you'? Is he now your ex-nephew then? You seem quite mean spirited towards him tbh

Yes, he's my ex nephew. That's what happens in divorces - especially rough ones like ours (though we have got to a palace where we are happy in our own lives and friendly enough)

Do you think that my ex should be making the effort with my sibling's kids still, or is that all just women's work? DN doesn't need me in his life, he still has my DC in his life, everyone's happy.

You keep going on about your time with your DC and won't budge on the 3 hour screen time rule (which is pretty short imo)

What would you say is ideal for an 8yo?

and say she can see her cousin during her dad's weekend. But why should her dad relinquish some of his 2 days with her when you're not willing to relinquish a little of yours just to let her answer the phone for 5 minutes?

1. It's his family, not mine. He doesn't have to "relinquish" anything, he's a big boy if he doesn't wanna see his sister he doesn't have to, and I have absolutely no say in what they do at their dads (nor do I want a say)
2. He actually lives in the same town as them, whereas I'm 100 miles away
3. We were watching a film together, I wouldn't answer my phone during a film because it's rude AF
4. Do you expect my ex to come down here to Yorkshire and spend time with my nieces and nephews??? Genuine question.

And I'm assuming she's with you all week too? Do you not get any time together in the evenings at all??

By the time we get home from school, do homework, piano practice, she showers or baths, we maybe squeeze in a board game - but no nothing like a whole 12 hours together that a weekend brings.

You're coming across as quite rude and you clearly don't think you were unreasonable at all, so why the thread?

I have said a few times that yes the text could have been more polite. I didn't ask for opinions on wether I should have answered the phone to nephew, which now seems to be what this thread is about

As a mum with a child who struggles to understand what is acceptable in terms of how many times you text/phone people, it is entirely up to your ex sil to manage his expectations AND to make him understand what's appropriate. My son gets told off if he contacts friends more than 3 times in a day if they're not responded......
Your ex sil is totally out of order calling you names....

I don’t want to be rude just buggering off when you’ve engaged with me, but I can’t be arsed with it 🙈 clearly on a totally different radar when it comes to social interaction. Live your best life @GlummyMcGlummerson

@TicTacTwo

Maybe she facilitates contact with her side of the family on her weekends so her Dad should facilitate contact with his side on his weekends?

Imagine that TicTac, not doing the wife work after the divorce. Shame on me 🤣

@Krampusnacht the dad should relinquish time because it’s his family. And I don’t think it’s uncommon to think the nephew of your ex is not part of your family anymore

When my parents split, my mum and dad had very little to do with the nieces and nephews on the opposite side of the family. Yes they were polite if they ever met them as there wasn’t bad feeling but there certainly wasn’t an aunt or uncle relationship anymore

@GlummyMcGlummerson and @Womencanlift I'm divorced thanks, and I have DC. My nephews on their dads side are still my nephews! They call me auntie krampus and I spend time with them. I divorced my exh not the people I consider family!

And FWIW, if this was one my my nieces or nephews calling like this when DC were at ex's, I'd absolutely expect him to do what I did.

I would never expect him to let DD answer my nieces and nephews either - totally reasonable to ask that my family is on my time. But I DON'T insist on DN's contact being on only one ex's time. I just didn't want to today

Loving your responses OP and glad to see that sanity has prevailed over the last few pages (with the exception of a few posters) - I cannot believe some of the replies you’ve had! The point is sailing way, way above some people’s head and it’s been infuriating to read, but I laughed out loud when I got to your reply to SIL has she replied?

[quote Krampusnacht]**@GlummyMcGlummerson* and @Womencanlift* I'm divorced thanks, and I have DC. My nephews on their dads side are still my nephews! They call me auntie krampus and I spend time with them. I divorced my exh not the people I consider family! [/quote]
Here's a revelation that may shock you: everyone is different.

What works for one family may not work for another.

Does your ex spend time with your sibling's kids? Do you expect my ex to?

And I'd love a number on screentime. I keep being told I'm stingy with it but no one has made a suggestion (genuinely curious)

@GlummyMcGlummerson mine are allowed 2 hours a day over the weekend. I also have to send mine to exh eow and have all the busy stuff on an evening after school, but I consider that to be quality time too. I'm not that precious about them hanging off my coat tails on 'my' weekend, because it's also 'their' weekend. We watch a film, popcorn, go out, but they get a couple of hours screen time or a little more if it's a crap day or we're not heading out. Also I don't ignore phone calls from children. It's pretty mean.

@Branleuse

i dont think talking to her cousin should be included in screen time counts

But what if she doesn’t want to talk to him? Which is really gaming with him?

It’s not a females job to make sure a male gets what he wants.

Obviously every family is different but I find it very odd to basically cut off children you've watched grow up and been aunt/uncle to. My exh was a crap husband but that's not his sisters fault or her kids

@LovePoppy bit of a leap there

YANBU. Your only mistake was not replying to exSIL with the following: "I believe the only one being a dick in this situation is the person calling me a dick. That's you exSIL, FYI. Please don't contact me again unless you wish to apologise for referring to me as a dick when all I asked was that you tell your DS to stop calling my DD as she is unavailable to chat."

@Krampusnacht

Obviously every family is different but I find it very odd to basically cut off children you've watched grow up and been aunt/uncle to. My exh was a crap husband but that's not his sisters fault or her kids

Did you miss the part where OP said the SIL (brother of the husband who had an affair) has texted once?

@redpeppersoup no she hasn't replied 😬 I was bricking it before but I poured another Merlot and feeling a bit more relaxed now

@Krampusnacht isn’t it just a case of what you’re used to though? I find posts about half siblings really odd personally as I have two and the ‘half’ doesn’t matter to us, but other families have different dynamics. If I divorced DH, I’d still see my niece and nephew as I’m close to DSIL, but I don’t think it’s particularly bad for OP not to have contact with the DN if she wasn’t close to him when she was married to his uncle.