To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

Apologies for the slow reply. For me it's not what you said but how. It came across (to me) as if you were having a slight dig at SIL and her parenting. I'm guessing there is history. Another poster sent a similar reply to her DGS which I thought was just as firm but less rude. Anyway just my opinion.

You’re getting some weird responses on here OP why should women be all nice and doormat-y all the bloody time?

Don’t think you’ve been a dick or done anything wrong. And I love the emoji reply back to ex SIL 😂 you might get some shit now but anything else IGNORE until you are sober!!

@itsgettingweird

She was watching a film with me and her brother, no o won't stop doing that just to placate another child who has been allowed to excessively call someone else. If DD suddenly said independently "can I call DN just for a FaceTime" I'd say yes but I'm not telling her she HAS to. And I'm certainly not stopping my time with her for someone else

I've not suggested you tell her she HAS to.

But you could speak to her and offer her the option.

You keep saying she's 8 and you do the decision making. So make a decision to offer her options she may like.

I thought you were both dicks at the beginning of this but the more you right you are getting the bigger score!

Isn't this the equivalent of you watching a film with DH say, his pal phoning for a chat and you being OK with him going off for a chat instead of the plans you made?

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Look at it from my point of view - after today the next opportunity for quality time to spend with her is in 13 days. She will likely see her cousin next weekend providing her dad's area doesn't go into tier 4. They can do without Zooming for an hour but I cherish what feels like very little with her

Could you not have given her the option to zoom when you were cooking dinner? Or doing some other chores.

Fwiw I agree about gaming. But denying anytime for a quick half hour chat and thinking it takes your quality time is very stifiling.

@itsgettingweird

Gaming and watching TV are very different. But TBH, it's not about the activity, it's about the time away from family (me and DS) time that is the basis of the restrictions.

Being so restrictive and controlling of your child's time can be storing up as much trouble as being too lax.

I've seen the effect on a teen of a parent who raised their child like this. Please have a real think about controlling so much if her social contact with the outside world. I don't think you should force her to chat to people - but denying the option is concerning me.

Having restrictions on times and activities is not controlling. It's called parenting. Like I say we don't just let our kids eat anything they want whenever they want, because otherwise they'd have nothing but Haribo at all hours of the day. This is no more controlling than it is restricting gaming time.

I work with teenagers - I'm get to see one who is damaged because they spent EOW watching a film with their mum. I don't restrict her social life, she can talk to her cousin/Gran/auntie if she wants, but I do circle time for family time. I show her my time with her is important too.

I’d have let her answer and chat for 5 mins and explain she didn’t have any screen time left. Cos that would be the normal thing to do...

Isn't this the equivalent of you watching a film with DH say, his pal phoning for a chat and you being OK with him going off for a chat instead of the plans you made?

I would expect DP to ignore at that time. But not until the following Friday when he can have prescribed phone time again for an hour a day over 3 hours!

No reason DP couldn't call later. That's what I'm saying. The 8yo wasn't told her DC called and given a choice to zoom for even just half an hour. Even just when mum was cooking tea.

I'm not comfortable with removing the choice of social contact from a child that isn't totally unreasonable. But maybe because I've seen the devastating effects such control can have.

Could you not have given her the option to zoom when you were cooking dinner? Or doing some other chores

If that's what she wanted to do, I'd let her, but she wanted to play hide and seek with her brother. I don't start every half hour interval with a list of things she might like to do, she's perfectly capable of choosing herself. Especially if I have stuff to get on with.

And like I say I knew DN's emotions would be heightened and I didn't want my DD to have to bear the brunt of that.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Could you not have given her the option to zoom when you were cooking dinner? Or doing some other chores

If that's what she wanted to do, I'd let her, but she wanted to play hide and seek with her brother. I don't start every half hour interval with a list of things she might like to do, she's perfectly capable of choosing herself. Especially if I have stuff to get on with.

And like I say I knew DN's emotions would be heightened and I didn't want my DD to have to bear the brunt of that.

If that's what she wanted to do?

But you've already said you text SIL to say DD wasn't having any time full stop.

Nothing about zoom or that you were willing to offer her that option.

And you do prescribe her time. That's exactly what your argument has been throughout this thread 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would have thought that the normal thing to do is contact DN's mother and explain that he'd attempted to call 23 times, and this was a bit excessive, and could he please cease and desist. I guess it's all very subjective. . .

@FitterHappierMoreProductive

I’d have let her answer and chat for 5 mins and explain she didn’t have any screen time left. Cos that would be the normal thing to do...

Like I say we were watching a film, so no I wouldn't have stopped it to do that

This thread is so fucking stupid. You have hundres of MN threads advising women to be more assertive, women competing over how little screen time their kids get and here we have a woman who sent a perfectly good assertive text to an all round cunt and she gets criticized by everyone because the text wasn't nice and hun enough and 3 hours of gaming per weekend is too little for an EIGHT year old...OK....

Well said @whereami88 it's nuts

But you've already said you text SIL to say DD wasn't having any time full stop.

Nothing about zoom or that you were willing to offer her that option.

Because he would only have been interested in gaming - like I say we've been here before when I suggested just Zooming, he doesn't want to, he's only in it for the Minecraft!

And you do prescribe her time. That's exactly what your argument has been throughout this thread

I never said I didn't, I said it's not controlling, it's called parenting.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

I think.... so the OP can be superior and judgemental about her exSIL and also a bit snarky?

I feel like she’s up for a bit of confidence boost. Similar to the people who think a glass of wine on a weeknight is alcoholism and after watching Supersize Me thinks McDonalds is the work of the devil, and are outraged people don’t agree

I get screen time, I get the constant calling, and I get the reason behind it. But the tone makes my eye roll back into my head, more than an MLM telling me they’re making loads of money and achieving a work life balance for their kids.

That's a weird take but ok.

Don't need a confidence boost thanks I'm very confident that I parent well.

Ok.

I must be the worlds worst parents none of mine had a phone till they started secondary school, then it was a Nokia brick to let me know they were safely at school.

At eight mine would not have phones to play on I watched my nephew and nieces constantly on phones and iPads and the resulting massive tantrums when they were told to stop.

Also being divorced I wanted to have a relationship with my dc too, and weekends were very precious.
Mine are now teens and they play games with their friends, all I hear is quick help me I’m being shot, omg you’re NOT on the boat I’m being killed, oh noooo you got killed.... that’s not quality time they are spending chatting to their friends/family they’re gaming. And I still put screen time restrictions on my lot as it’s exhausting hearing the screeching.

OP I’d have done the same. And you’re far more restrained than me, I’d have told her to fuck off you old fishwife. The bonus of no longer being married to a dick ex I no longer have to be nice to any of his family who are rude to me.

Bet no father would get told to be nicer and more emotionally intelligent in his reply. He’d be lauded for wanting family time and putting screen time restrictions in place.

@itsgettingweird

Isn't this the equivalent of you watching a film with DH say, his pal phoning for a chat and you being OK with him going off for a chat instead of the plans you made?

I would expect DP to ignore at that time. But not until the following Friday when he can have prescribed phone time again for an hour a day over 3 hours!

No reason DP couldn't call later. That's what I'm saying. The 8yo wasn't told her DC called and given a choice to zoom for even just half an hour. Even just when mum was cooking tea.

I'm not comfortable with removing the choice of social contact from a child that isn't totally unreasonable. But maybe because I've seen the devastating effects such control can have.

True..

@WhereamI88

This thread is so fucking stupid. You have hundres of MN threads advising women to be more assertive, women competing over how little screen time their kids get and here we have a woman who sent a perfectly good assertive text to an all round cunt and she gets criticized by everyone because the text wasn't nice and hun enough and 3 hours of gaming per weekend is too little for an EIGHT year old...OK....

I have to say I was expecting to be told YABU (yes the text could have been more polite and I accept some problem have trouble with direct people) but wasn't quite expecting to be told that

1. I'm depriving my child because I give her too little screen time, and
2. There will be damage done and she'll lash out as a teen because I insist on spending quality time with my children.

These lot would fucking hate me WRT my 4yo. He's not the least bit interested in playing on an iPad, he has zero hours screen time on a weekend because he wouldn't play on one if I have him the option.

He does like getting pillows and sledging down the stairs when I'm not looking though so it's not all hardy times in the Glummy house

I love you @WhereamI88 !

@WhereamI88

“This thread is so fucking stupid. You have hundreds of MN threads advising women to be more assertive, women competing over how little screen time their kids get and here we have a woman who sent a perfectly good assertive text to an all round cunt and she gets criticized by everyone because the text wasn't nice and hun enough and 3 hours of gaming per weekend is too little for an EIGHT year old...OK....”

This, 100%!

At eight mine would not have phones to play on I watched my nephew and nieces constantly on phones and iPads and the resulting massive tantrums when they were told to stop.

This is also a hugely important factor in why I "prescribe" screen time. In lockdown I wasn't as tight with the screen time, I had no limits and let her have several hours every day at first.

I noticed a very clear difference in her behaviour, she threw tantrums, hardly any willingness to do home schooling, suddenly very moody and demanding. So I set a limit - can't recall exactly but she was only allowed the iPad on certain days - et voila, mood significantly improved.

In short, I know what's best for her and my family and I really don't need faux concern from ransoms on the Internet who thinks it's "controlling" to schedule children's time.

I honestly can’t believe people are saying 3 hours a weekend is not enough gaming time for an 8 year old! It’s as much as mu 14 yo gets and he thinks it’s fine!

Bet no father would get told to be nicer and more emotionally intelligent in his reply. He’d be lauded for wanting family time and putting screen time restrictions in place

Yes!! Some of these replies reek of sexism

@WhereamI88

This thread is so fucking stupid. You have hundres of MN threads advising women to be more assertive, women competing over how little screen time their kids get and here we have a woman who sent a perfectly good assertive text to an all round cunt and she gets criticized by everyone because the text wasn't nice and hun enough and 3 hours of gaming per weekend is too little for an EIGHT year old...OK....

This x a thousand! Op you did just fine, not dickish at all.

@WhereamI88

This thread is so fucking stupid. You have hundres of MN threads advising women to be more assertive, women competing over how little screen time their kids get and here we have a woman who sent a perfectly good assertive text to an all round cunt and she gets criticized by everyone because the text wasn't nice and hun enough and 3 hours of gaming per weekend is too little for an EIGHT year old...OK....

This!

Not to mention that we should be teaching our girls to stand up for themselves and our boys to be decent, but the OP should have given a 7-yo boy with no boundaries the time he wanted playing games with her DD.