To think I wasn't being a dick?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all" I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one )

@GlummyMcGlummerson I did laugh at you saying she's not my lodger though 🤣

@Wheresmykimchi well if that works for you more power to you! I don't know your circumstances but as I say, the only quality time I get with DD (and after school isn't quality time IMO it's homework/food/shower/bed usually) is 2 days every fortnight. I don't want her on the iPad for too much of that time, and if I didn't have rigid boundaries about gaming time then I do think she'd wile away the hours on it without even realising. So the rigid times work for us

It wouldn't have hurt to be a little more polite and explain that screen time is limited, and DN seems to be getting a bit upset calling but getting no reply? Maybe thats why ex Sil was annoyed?

A parent's (especially a mothers) place is in the wrong. We pretty much all have differing opinions about screen time - that's okay. But if the decision by the responsible parent isn't totally irrational, and also seems to be working for that parent, and that child (whether or not it works for that parent's aunt and cousin is irrelevant), then surely we should be able to respect that parent's right to create and enforce a boundary for their child?

OP you are a more patient woman than I.

I would not be so polite to some of the responses on here from the ‘BE NICE AT ALL COSTS’ crew who are, ironically, being fairly dickish themselves in patronising and condescending to you for not pandering to their screwed up social ‘rules’.

Doormats with teeth.

YANBU OP. To those posters that say she should facilitate a relationship with the cousin well it’s not as it her DD never speaks to that side of the family. It should be the responsibility of the ex to facilitate the relationship with his family which by the sounds of things he is doing.

On the OP’s weekend then she has every right to keep the focus on her time with her kids or facilitating relationships with her own family

Ok, so I've done something really, really childish. But in my defence, I had a glass of wine after putting the kids to bed I'm a total lightweight

I replied this to exSIL:

😂🤣💃🏽

I didn't actually mean to get the dancing woman in there but she was next to the laughing face. I feel like the laughing faces were fine but the dancing woman has given the reply a twatty edge

Thinking about it more I actually think you've been quite polite. If someone's child pestered mine constantly like that with repeated calls and the "call me now" message I'd be really pissed off. Especially continuing it after you'd told him DD wouldn't be going online. And the whole "oh he's only 7" thing doesn't wash because if he's too young to know better then his parents should be supervising him.

I'd have been embarassed in your ex-SIL's shoes, rather than having a go.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Ok, so I've done something really, really childish. But in my defence, I had a glass of wine after putting the kids to bed I'm a total lightweight

I replied this to exSIL:

😂🤣💃🏽

I didn't actually mean to get the dancing woman in there but she was next to the laughing face. I feel like the laughing faces were fine but the dancing woman has given the reply a twatty edge

🤣🤣🤣

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Ok, so I've done something really, really childish. But in my defence, I had a glass of wine after putting the kids to bed I'm a total lightweight

I replied this to exSIL:

😂🤣💃🏽

I didn't actually mean to get the dancing woman in there but she was next to the laughing face. I feel like the laughing faces were fine but the dancing woman has given the reply a twatty edge

Probably not the most helpful thing to do, but on the upside it might mean your ex-SIL only contacts your ex from now on!

If someone calls me a dick when I'm not being one, I give them what they asked for. So I'd tell her that from now on DN can call once. If dd answers, great. If not, and he calls again he will be blocked for the remainder of the weekend.

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Wheresmykimchi well if that works for you more power to you! I don't know your circumstances but as I say, the only quality time I get with DD (and after school isn't quality time IMO it's homework/food/shower/bed usually) is 2 days every fortnight. I don't want her on the iPad for too much of that time, and if I didn't have rigid boundaries about gaming time then I do think she'd wile away the hours on it without even realising. So the rigid times work for us[/quote]
I have to say I do admire you for continuing to facilitate any kind of relationship after her lack of support re your ex.

Because they don't chat, they game, they wouldn't want to chat.

But you could give that opportunity.

Instead you didn't. You made the decision for DD and text SIL on her and DN behalf.

Why not say "DD has had all the gaming time she's allowed this weekend so cannot chat and mine craft. But she could FaceTime DN for just a chat if he wants? Ps. Could you have a word with DN and explain if we miss a call we will message when we are free and arrange time for contact? He called 23 times"

Your message wasnt at all compromising and willing to find a way. It did come across as totally dickish

I have to say I do admire you for continuing to facilitate any kind of relationship after her lack of support re your ex

Well it's not the kids fault is it and DN is usually a good kid. They're old enough that neither exSIL nor I have to be next to them and speaking to one another. I also stay in touch with exMIL, but in fairness she's been super supportive and has given exH a short shrift on many occasions since the split.

It is probably a good thing I don't speak to exSIL after what I just texted. have that anxious feeling in my tummy now 😬 fuck you red wine

Could've been worse. Could've been gin, tequila, or vodka. . .

@itsgettingweird

Because they don't chat, they game, they wouldn't want to chat.

But you could give that opportunity.

Instead you didn't. You made the decision for DD and text SIL on her and DN behalf.

Why not say "DD has had all the gaming time she's allowed this weekend so cannot chat and mine craft. But she could FaceTime DN for just a chat if he wants? Ps. Could you have a word with DN and explain if we miss a call we will message when we are free and arrange time for contact? He called 23 times"

Your message wasnt at all compromising and willing to find a way. It did come across as totally dickish

She was watching a film with me and her brother, no o won't stop doing that just to placate another child who has been allowed to excessively call someone else. If DD suddenly said independently "can I call DN just for a FaceTime" I'd say yes but I'm not telling her she HAS to. And I'm certainly not stopping my time with her for someone else

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Bagamoyo1 see I'm trying to raise my kids to show them respect forms and that my time with them is valuable too - I'm afraid that gaming with cousins doesn't trump that.

I was more looking for a number of what you think is fair for gaming - not being facetious, genuinely curious![/quote]
Most 8yo would spend an hour or 2 outside or in houses with friends.

They cannot do this currently.

So I'd say an hour each day some gaming is fine but I'd allow an extra hour a day to game with someone for the social contact and review once restrictions are lifted and we can mix households again.

But you do you really think 1.5 hours sat watching a film with you (staring at a screen in probably mostly silence) is better for DD than the same amount of time looking at a different screen with social chat?

I have to say OP i wish i could text that to my ex in laws.... i do the polite thing when they piss me off.

and yes 1 hour per day average is what my dc have for screens....though they nag for more - cos sophie/joe/fred etc get more like i care

But you do you really think 1.5 hours sat watching a film with you (staring at a screen in probably mostly silence) is better for DD than the same amount of time looking at a different screen with social

Yes, I do.

Gaming and watching TV are very different. But TBH, it's not about the activity, it's about the time away from family (me and DS) time that is the basis of the restrictions.

We definitely don't watch TV in silence (if only, my kids are right hyperactive gobshites ) there's lots of fun and silliness and banter (and rewinding because someone missed what she said).

She was watching a film with me and her brother, no o won't stop doing that just to placate another child who has been allowed to excessively call someone else. If DD suddenly said independently "can I call DN just for a FaceTime" I'd say yes but I'm not telling her she HAS to. And I'm certainly not stopping my time with her for someone else

I've not suggested you tell her she HAS to.

But you could speak to her and offer her the option.

You keep saying she's 8 and you do the decision making. So make a decision to offer her options she may like.

I thought you were both dicks at the beginning of this but the more you right you are getting the bigger score!

@GlummyMcGlummerson

But you do you really think 1.5 hours sat watching a film with you (staring at a screen in probably mostly silence) is better for DD than the same amount of time looking at a different screen with social

Yes, I do.

Gaming and watching TV are very different. But TBH, it's not about the activity, it's about the time away from family (me and DS) time that is the basis of the restrictions.

We definitely don't watch TV in silence (if only, my kids are right hyperactive gobshites ) there's lots of fun and silliness and banter (and rewinding because someone missed what she said).

@itsgettingweird, I don't necessarily agree with @GlummyMcGlummerson in a lot of her points but given the situation it's a bit harsh to try and take away from OPs time with her daughter watching a film together.

@itsgettingweird she really wouldn't be interested in just Zooming and neither would DN. they FaceTime because they're gaming. And like I said, it was my time with my kids, it's a Sunday, so no I won't give her other options when she's started watching a film with me. She will survive - she spoke to/games with DN for almost 3 hours on Friday after school afterall

Gaming and watching TV are very different. But TBH, it's not about the activity, it's about the time away from family (me and DS) time that is the basis of the restrictions.

Being so restrictive and controlling of your child's time can be storing up as much trouble as being too lax.

I've seen the effect on a teen of a parent who raised their child like this. Please have a real think about controlling so much if her social contact with the outside world. I don't think you should force her to chat to people - but denying the option is concerning me.

Look at it from my point of view - after today the next opportunity for quality time to spend with her is in 13 days. She will likely see her cousin next weekend providing her dad's area doesn't go into tier 4. They can do without Zooming for an hour but I cherish what feels like very little with her

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@itsgettingweird she really wouldn't be interested in just Zooming and neither would DN. they FaceTime because they're gaming. And like I said, it was my time with my kids, it's a Sunday, so no I won't give her other options when she's started watching a film with me. She will survive - she spoke to/games with DN for almost 3 hours on Friday after school afterall[/quote]
At that moment she was watching a film.

At that moment you didn't need to be responding to SIL.

But the film didn't last all day.

But you are so convinced you can't possibly be unreasonable I not even sure why you asked tbh