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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't being a dick?

703 replies

GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 15:02

I split up with exH 2 years ago, we have 2DC aged 4&8 and when they're at ex's they still see their cousins and aunty, my exSIL. ExSIL has only contacted me once since the split - to remind me to get her son (DN) a present (I refused said it was Ex's job now) - never checked to see I was ok after her brother had an affair. Anyway, her DS is 7 and over lockdown I allowed DD (8) to use my phone to face call him and play Minecraft with him at the same time on my iPad.

DN has his own iPad but he uses his parent's Facebook messenger accounts to face call DD.

Now we're back to normality, and school, I let DD have 3 hours in total on a weekend, split however she likes from Friday evening to Sunday. She used most of it on Friday after school, so that's her time used up. But DN has called (which came through to both my phone and iPad) 23 times. I didn't answer either as they've been in another room most of the day. I also had nuermous messenger messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me". I did reply sorry DD won't be having screen time today, but he still kept calling.

Anyway, I texted exSIL on the number I still have for her and said "Hi it's Glummy, can you stop DN from calling my messenger please, DD isn't allowed her iPad today and he's called 23 times today". She replied saying "OK but there's no need to be a dick about it he just misses DD that's all"Confused I don't think what I said was dickish at all. I'm tempted to reply and ask what she means. I haven't yet, but it's really bothered me. There's no backstory we got on fine when I was married to her brother but she firmly nailed her colours to the mast when we split (except when she wanted her son to get a birthday present, apparently that was still my job and if left to ex he wouldn't have got one Hmm)

OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 18:55

I’m not going to be pinned down to a specific time. Clearly rigid time allowances are your thing OP, but they’re not mine.

You're not about "times" but you've told me 3 hours is too few, so how have you measured that?

I prefer to use common sense and judgement, based on the situation at the time.

Which is what I've done with the 3 hours - an hour of non-family time per day for the EOW I have her is sufficient. DD isn't complaining.

You’ve made it abundantly clear you have no concerns or doubts about your parenting

I don't, the AIBU wasn't about my parenting it was about my text / though this statement is a little snippy for my liking. Would it make you happy if I was like other MN and parroted "God in the WORST mum in the world because I didn't iron their socks"?

Some people really do prefer to see women people under confident, simpering and downtrodden. Anything else is rude

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 29/11/2020 18:57

Why should I be graceful
To someone who's been a dick to me? Why should I be graceful about someone allowing their 7yo to call my phone 23 times?

Well the calling 23 times thing surely isn't that bad, he's a 7 year old child. You could have just sent his mum a text earlier to say unfortunately DD isn't available or temporary blocked his number. Your question was 'was I a dick' and some people have said while not a dick you were unnessarily rude/abrupt. If your sil is a right cow (and I'm willing to believe she is) you might not care that you were rude but then why start a thread asking?

katmarie · 29/11/2020 18:58

I think what you said was fine. You have boundaries for your family, and part of your job as dd's mother is to assert and protect those boundaries.

Your dd is old enough to understand the amount of screen time she gets, and I think its a good exercise for an 8 year old, to have a budget, be it time, money, whatever, and to choose to do what they will with it. Once it's gone its gone, which will help her learn to make positive choices with how she uses her time.

Someone needs to teach dn some boundaries, clearly sil and bil are not exactly on it there. If anyone phoned me 23 times without it being an emergency, I would have been a lot less polite than you were. Once, or maybe twice at a push, is fine. After that you wait for them to call back. Any more than that is rude, not to mention intrusive. This was a perfect opportunity to teach that lesson, but sadly not. Yes hes a child so he has limited responsibility for his actions if he hasn't been taught any better, so its really on his parents here. I think if my sil called me a dick for asking that he stop calling, I'd be blocking the lot of them, and letting exh facilitate their relationship from now on, so I think on the whole op has been quite restrained.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 29/11/2020 18:58

@Bagamoyo1 she was asking about her message not her parenting.

The level of condescension in your post is ridiculous.

formerbabe · 29/11/2020 19:06

In other words/ she can be as much of a dick as she wants but I have to be nice to her?

This is hard work isn't it

Wheresmykimchi · 29/11/2020 19:09

@GlummyMcGlummerson I can't quote but

You have said you won't teach her she has to placate anyone in her fee time which is right and proper.

However....

By instilling a rigid time for gaming every weekend , you are doing just that. Her 'free time ' is dictated by you.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:11

@IMNOTSHOUTING

*Why should I be graceful To someone who's been a dick to me? Why should I be graceful about someone allowing their 7yo to call my phone 23 times?*

Well the calling 23 times thing surely isn't that bad, he's a 7 year old child. You could have just sent his mum a text earlier to say unfortunately DD isn't available or temporary blocked his number. Your question was 'was I a dick' and some people have said while not a dick you were unnessarily rude/abrupt. If your sil is a right cow (and I'm willing to believe she is) you might not care that you were rude but then why start a thread asking?

I didn't message earlier as I only noticed when call 22 had happened.

Yes ok fair enough I was abrupt, but like I've said I don't do nice and graceful to people who've gone out of their way to be a dick to me. Still, I think "no need to be a dick" is harsh, I don't think being abrupt automatically means "dick" and I don't really think I was one. I just wasn't super simpery polite that's all

OP posts:
lyralalala · 29/11/2020 19:15

Not dickish at all.

I certainly wouldn't be giving extra gaming time to one of my kids to pander to a child sending messages like "DD call me now" and "Why aren't you calling you're upsetting me", let alone the endless calls.

They need to teach DN boundaries and to have some respect for his cousin's time. It doesn't matter what your DD was doing, she was clearly busy and him pestering/trying to pester her into replying is unacceptable.

HiyaMeAgain · 29/11/2020 19:19

Even if DD was allowed all the screen time she wanted over the weekend, the amount of times DN called her is excessive. She is allowed to chose who she speaks to and when. DN needs to know that not every one is going to be there when it suits him, Regardless if he thinks they are a friend or not.

You wouldn't accept someone coming up to you in the street and shouting at you 23 times until you acknowledge them, Same with a phone call, If you can't answer it, or just don't want to answer it that's fine.

You were not being dick-ish in any way.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:21

@formerbabe

In other words/ she can be as much of a dick as she wants but I have to be nice to her?

This is hard work isn't it

Not really, I just don't agree with your stance that being sickly sweet to everyone, no matter how they treat you, is the only way forward.
OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:23

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@GlummyMcGlummerson I can't quote but

You have said you won't teach her she has to placate anyone in her fee time which is right and proper.

However....

By instilling a rigid time for gaming every weekend , you are doing just that. Her 'free time ' is dictated by you.[/quote]
Because I'm her parent and it's my job to set boundaries where her well-being is concerned Confused forcing another person on her boundaries is an entirely different thing.

Honestly I do wonder if people think their kids are their mates not their offspring. Presumably you set a bedtime? A dinner time? If so, how dare you, what about their bOUndAriEs?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:25

I have to say, being criticised for TOO LITTLE gaming time must be a MN first.

My DD is 8. Of course she can't have all the gaming time she wants. The same way she can't have Oreo's and nothing else for breakfast lunch and dinner, and the same reason she can't skip school every day.

OP posts:
CalishataFolkart · 29/11/2020 19:30

Wheresmykimchi

@GlummyMcGlummerson I can't quote but

You have said you won't teach her she has to placate anyone in her fee time which is right and proper.

However....

By instilling a rigid time for gaming every weekend , you are doing just that. Her 'free time ' is dictated by you.

OP dictates the amount of screen time which she should as a parent. She is saying her daughter doesn’t have to use that time to placate someone else. For this false equivalence to work the scenario would have to be something like DD said she was going to spend 30mins on YouTube and OP wanted to watch with her and chat during that time. OP isn’t doing anything like that so isn’t impinging on DD’s “free time” but the nephew was.

Blanca87 · 29/11/2020 19:32

I have to say I think I’m slightly in love with you op. You sound mint.❤️

Wheresmykimchi · 29/11/2020 19:33

@GlummyMcGlummerson I wasn't criticising you.

But your responses are pretty rude ,(and you make massive assumptions) so I'm not surprised the thread isn't going the way you want.

CanICelebrate · 29/11/2020 19:34

@GlummyMcGlummerson
My dc (15,13 and 8) play Minecraft etc with their cousins and they ARE communicating! It might not be the way grown ups chat but it’s still sociable. I really like the fact they connect despite not living near one another.

3 hours a weekend is very little screen time in my opinion and if you insist on that number then I think time specifically with her cousin could be an extra treat.

But as pp have said, you think you’re right so all of our responses are pointless!!!

Wheresmykimchi · 29/11/2020 19:34

@CalishataFolkart

Wheresmykimchi

@GlummyMcGlummerson I can't quote but

You have said you won't teach her she has to placate anyone in her fee time which is right and proper.

However....

By instilling a rigid time for gaming every weekend , you are doing just that. Her 'free time ' is dictated by you.

OP dictates the amount of screen time which she should as a parent. She is saying her daughter doesn’t have to use that time to placate someone else. For this false equivalence to work the scenario would have to be something like DD said she was going to spend 30mins on YouTube and OP wanted to watch with her and chat during that time. OP isn’t doing anything like that so isn’t impinging on DD’s “free time” but the nephew was.

But she is.

By giving DD a rigid time she is making her choose between speaking to her cousin and playing her games or whatever else she is doing.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:34

@Wheresmykimchi I didn't "want" the thread to go anyway and I'm fine with people disagreeing with me. I just think it's odd that (not you) some people have mentioned I don't give her enough screen time and I do think it's odd that you don't think I should be the one to dictate how much screen time she has. She's my child not my lodger

OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:35

@Blanca87

I have to say I think I’m slightly in love with you op. You sound mint.❤️

MWAH Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:37

By giving DD a rigid time she is making her choose between speaking to her cousin and playing her games or whatever else she is doing

No I'm not - she can do all of that, over 3 hours. I don't make her choose one activity and stick to it for the whole 3 hours. I simply limit her time.

OP posts:
Frogsandsheep · 29/11/2020 19:39

Does tv count as part of her 3 hours? I understand that you want to spend time with her but it’s not a lot of screen time spread over 3 days. I’m really strict with mine but I’m also fairly realistic.

Butchyrestingface · 29/11/2020 19:40

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Are you Scottish in Scotland?

*Disclaimer: I am.

Wheresmykimchi · 29/11/2020 19:40

[quote GlummyMcGlummerson]@Wheresmykimchi I didn't "want" the thread to go anyway and I'm fine with people disagreeing with me. I just think it's odd that (not you) some people have mentioned I don't give her enough screen time and I do think it's odd that you don't think I should be the one to dictate how much screen time she has. She's my child not my lodger[/quote]
I never said you shouldn't dictate it.

I said that the rigid flexible time of three hours a weekend is not a choice I would make.

But you're immediately assuming I treat my child like a mate. There is a spectrum you know , it's not one or the other.

Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:44

@Frogsandsheep no TV is separate, when i say screen time I mean iPad and gaming.

@Butchyrestingface I'm not but exH is! you're not exSIL are you Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
GlummyMcGlummerson · 29/11/2020 19:44

I was English in Scotland though when I was married

OP posts:
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