What the hell happened to me on my 40th?

[Didthatreallyhappen]

I've name changed for this as it is embarrassing and outing. On my 40th I went out to a music event with some friends. It was one of the first nights out after having ds2 who was about 2 at that point.

During the night I realised I didn't know my friends as well as I thought. They were super friendly and revved up. Halfway through, one of my friends started sharing some blue ground up powder which she said was MDMA. She was just dabbing it on her gums. I have never taken class a drugs in my life, though I did experiment with cannabis quite a few times in my early 20s.

Anyway. I did one dab on my gums. I did feel a bit of an effect so I didn't have anymore unlike my friends.

That evening I stayed away from home at my friend's house. I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding. Since then it's awful but I haven't experienced the feeling of love and euphoria ever since. My sense of love of music and my sense of rhythm and dance vanished as did the natural high high I used to get from dancing. Awfully, my children no longer felt a part of me in my head and my heart, but rather almost like strangers (cute ones obviously) to me.i have forgotten a lot of previous cherished feelings. My connection with nature and my 6th sense got much weaker.

Has that micro dose of whatever it was ruinined me for ever? Am I imagining it all? Can I get those memories and feelings back? My friends seemed unaffected.
I realise it was stupid to take that, not least at the ripe old age of 40.

I’ve taken quite a bit of MDMA in the past, and other recreational drugs, never had blue MDMA though, so not sure about what you actually took. However, I highly doubt after one dab you would be having side effects over three years later, I think something else happened that night, maybe a TIA, maybe it triggered a depression in you (I’ve had terrible come downs, but they only last a couple of weeks, are not from just one dab) could have been a coincidence or triggered by the drug (unlikely as it was only one dab and your friends were fine). You should definitely get the opinion of a doctor though.

OP sorry to hear this. I think the simplest explanation might be the fact that correlation isn't causation: ie these things happened at the same time (taking the drugs, and lack of feeling) but it may be that the drugs had nothing to do with it. It may be, as the others say, that you have a mental health issue (maybe depression as the others suggest) that came on so slowly that you didn't see it coming. Looking back, from a distance of 3ish years, you're looking for a starting point, and the party night jumps out because you did something you don't normally do. Sure; who knows what was in the drug, and who knows what it can do psychologically or neurbiologically, anything's possible I guess, but it's probably worth going to a GP and talking about the situation so that they can assess you for common or garden (ie non drug induced) depression and have a conversation about how anything that had happened that night might have played a part. I mean gosh, you could probably have an MRI and they could see if everything's normal biologically, if this is deemed to be really needed. But I reckon what will serve you best at the moment, rather than casting back to the past in a way that can't give you answers, is to have a medical assessment of how things are now, and they can help you take it from here. It must suck not feeling connected to your children: good luck!

I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding

Blimey
Sounds like a job for 111

I haven’t voted until now, despite my comments, but I voted YANBU. Look at this. Here is a report on MDMA causing cerebrovascular accidents.

It specifically says, The brain area most vulnerable to the vascular effects of MDMA is the globus pallidus, a region rich in serotonin (5-HT) nerve terminals www.ajnr.org/content/21/6/1001

The very chemical often responsible for what we determine as love or happiness or even enjoyment of something like music. Yes, low serotonin might look like depression, but damaged serotonin receptors might look very different; perhaps you have serotonin, even, but have experienced damage to the receptors that need to “read” it. I don’t know. I just know that there is a LOT of research saying something neurological could have happened to you, and you shouldn’t spend the next 3.5 years having to feel the way you’ve spent the last 3.5 years.

You’ve had some excellent advice describing possible neurological issues, perhaps triggered by what you took, and to go see your gp. Please go op, use the information on this thread and see a professional. There is no way you can work this out on your own.
You don’t know what psychosomatic means, you don’t understand depression at all, I’m not saying you have these things but you are not on your own capable of determining that. Maybe you have had a mini stroke- a gp will know how to check and you will know for sure.

I think you should keep an open mind OP, it's just not possible that a tiny bit of mdma or similar party drug rubbed on your gums caused this. That is not the same as saying you are imagining it. I also think you could be correlating totally unrelated "symptoms" which aren't really anything - such as not dancing as well, and not enjoying organising themed birthday parties. Cut out those and your story is "I've been feeling depressed for around 3.5 years" - a common problem, nothing weird at all and usually treatable.

Not exactly the same, different drug, however about five years ago or so now, I took a legal high one night. I was very naive about drugs and had been drinking, was told it was herbal and made a poor decision.

I went on to have an extremely traumatic experience where I couldn’t see, was vomiting, screaming and remember very clearly a moment of pure peace where I accepted I was dying and was just letting myself go, then my kids came to mind and I started fighting it, then like a finger click I was suddenly downstairs, completely normal and very confused that what had felt like a five minute reaction had actually been six hours.

The next day, my mind broke. I began having strong palpitations, I felt distant from everything, I kept crying and was absolutely certain the legal high had caused brain damage.

Long story short, I went on to have a complete breakdown, had daily crisis sessions and it took the mental health nurses around 3 months to convince me that I hadn’t died that night and was living in hell. Another three months of antidepressants and I began to get better but it took nearly a full year.

Looking back, whilst I definitely had physical side effects for about a week or two afterward, most of what was going on was mental. I was deeply deeply ashamed of myself, I didn’t believe I deserved to be forgiven for doing something that could have left my children without a mother and I think I punished myself for a long long time.

OP, I don’t believe that taking that dab of whatever did long term damage to you. Not in the physical sense anyways. however drug use can certainly trigger underlying mental conditions, such as anxiety and depression. I think it is much more likely that you have depression and need antidepressants which do indeed make you feel things again. I remember my consultant telling me that they were 100% certain that taking that drug only sped up what was always going to happen anyways, meaning I was heading for a severe depressive episode and taking the drug just made it happen quicker.

Since then I have had one more severe depressive episode and once again antidepressants pulled me out of it and gave me back my feelings.

Please consider the GP for medication. Please do your best to accept that you have not permanently harmed yourself.

@Didthatreallyhappen

Sounds incredibly bizarre and not at all drug- linked.

You sound 'experienced' with drugs to use a term like ''Micro dose''

Sounds a bit bizarre to me.

Does sound extremely unlikely , as if it could be a 'wind up' thread...

Why on earth didn't you seek advice from a drugs project or GP beforehand?

I have known countless drug users and none experienced this.

Blue glass drug?? Never heard of anything like that though.

Edit: Blue ground up drug ...Not ''Blue Glass drug'' {Predictive??}

OP, it is very unlikely any drug would have made you change ''Overnight'' and for this change to have lasted for so long.

I'm not sure why so many people are taking the piss, I always thought that the brain was a fragile thing?

I think you've read something about the effects of Heroin, which apparently produces a euphoria far beyond anything else you'd experience but also kills the brain cells that experience it so you can never feel that good again (BTW I have no idea whether this is true - but I've definitely read it before).

You've somehow generalised this to other class A drugs, which aren't quite the same anyway, alcohol would be class A if it was discovered today. And you're suffering a bit of anxiety over it which has caused the other symptoms.

You wouldn't "feel" neurons dying. There aren't any nerves in the brain.

I was in Amsterdam in my 30s and despite being old enough to know better brought a chocolate from one of their drug cafes. Never do drugs normally.

I was euphoric for a short while then had 12 hours of panic and paranoia.

Turns out it wasn't "just" cannabis which I can't handle anyway - it was extra-strong stuff.

Never never never again!

Anyway I've often wondered in the following years whether it's caused me problems like my autoimmune disease and so on. I know rationally that's not likely but I do still wonder.

@gingganggooleywotsit

It’s not impossible.. only say this because I took an acid tab when I was 14 (back in the early 90s). Anyway immediately after it wore off, I started feeling depressed and have suffered with it ever since (aged 42 now). I know it sounds crazy but I think the brain is very delicately balanced some people can be deeply affected by chemicals.

Absolutely. It can trigger latent schizophrenia for instance.

OP whatever you think the cause is, the reality is you are concerned about your health. Please see a doctor and explain it to them.

You need professional non- judgemental guidance.

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman

I’ve always been a bit “dead inside” 😄 and don’t get massively sentimental re Christmas, birthdays etc. And I did take loads of mdma back in the day 🤔 On the plus side I’m generally on a pretty even keel and don’t have to post on here “sat shaking and crying “ so there’s that 😂

😂

OP, I hope you get plugged into neurology by your GP. I haven't read the full thread but was really disappointed to read so many antagonistic posts initially. My first thought, as someone had already mentioned and linked an article to, was CVA.

Sounds like you may have had some sort of a mild stroke, possibly. And although time has passed and an MRI may not reveal much now, your history will pique the interest of the neurology team. You should absolutely follow this up.

I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding

You may have felt a pop, which one can absolutely 'hear' when a blood vessel bursts, which is what I think happened to you OP.

Not much to add but just one thing- when you give birth and have a newborn you do get a chemical shift in your brain during those newborn days and you feel a real high (well most people do) for a couple of weeks. So it's not reasonable to compare your state then until now. Also as my kids have got older I haven't felt quite the same intensity of love for them as when they were babies or toddlers. I think that's natural as they grow up and need you less and become more independent. Just thought that might reassure you.

Some good advice from Rightyes. I hope you get some professional help. You must be going through turmoil and feel sorry that you had some dismissive responses on this thread.

Op, just adding to those saying you should definitely go and see a GP and perhaps a neurologist. Clearly something has happened to you, you've no idea what, it could be many things. Whatever it is, you should be checked out, if only for your own peace of mind.

I suggest writing things down beforehand, as yes, it sounds a bit hard to explain.

Some of the replies to the OP are really cruel

OP here's the reason why you need to go to your GP. He can get you seen by a neurologist who will order up a brain scan. If you have had a TIA or cerebro vascular event of any sort it will have left an infarct and these are visible and diagnosable on the scan.

I believe you. I have never taken drugs apart form script but I have seen what you are experiencing at close quarters with a work colleague. She could have written your OP actually.

You don't have to admit to your GP that you took drugs. You could say you were spiked.
It sounds to me like the permanent effect on you is like the temporary effect of SSRI's in that they flatten all of your moods. I am not a neurologist but you will not be the only person in the world this has happened to and you are obviously bright enough to be able to tell him exactly how it felt and still feels. This type of thing is fodder for neurologists who want to publish papers in peer reviewed journals.
I bet if you were to search for it you would find several articles where it would feel like you are reading about yourself.
As others have said, the brain is super sensitive to chemicals. I have taken SSRI's on two occasions. I can feel so anxious I shake and cry all day and have night terrors all night. I can be in the depths of despair to the point of suicide ideation day and night but I can get great reversal of all of this on a fraction of the prescribed dose of Sertraline.
Please go to the GP. Lie about the original circumstance because it's irrelevant clinically anyway and at least get answers. At the moment you have no idea what you are or are not dealing with. Best of luck.

Am I imagining it all?

Yes

You keep talking about embarrassment- honestly, and I mean this kindly, is a moment's embarrassment (about something the therapist won't bat an eyelid over) worth continuing to feel as you do? They won't give you an inquisition about why you took drugs, or a telling off, that's not going to matter in helping you.

You way you fixate so much on the embarrassment of admitting it does suggest to me that this feeling, or lack of feeling, you are experiencing, could be an OCD-type response to your guilt and anxiety about having done something that you think you ought not to have.

OP, it sounds very much like you're depressed to me. I won't say the MDMA caused it - it's certainly outside of my experience as both a very occasional partaker and someone who worked in addiction services - but it could have triggered something that was already there in your head. And I'm not exactly an expert in neurotransmitters so who knows?

But saying you believe the doctors can't fix sentimentality and feelings of love - actually, they kind of can.

Depression can take away your ability to feel those things and cause a flattening or numbing feeling; I was diagnosed by accident because, like you, I didn't recognise a flat feeling as depression, I assumed I'd have to be genuinely sad and upset feeling.

But my experience with medication such as SSRIs is that flat feeling goes away - so you will experience your emotions again, be able to recall and feel joy. It was genuinely transformative when I realised I could feel something again - crying at an RSPCA advert on TV absolutely made my day!

So don't let the flat 'everything is a bit pointless' part of your brain convince you there is no fix for this: there is!