What the hell happened to me on my 40th?

[Didthatreallyhappen]

I've name changed for this as it is embarrassing and outing. On my 40th I went out to a music event with some friends. It was one of the first nights out after having ds2 who was about 2 at that point.

During the night I realised I didn't know my friends as well as I thought. They were super friendly and revved up. Halfway through, one of my friends started sharing some blue ground up powder which she said was MDMA. She was just dabbing it on her gums. I have never taken class a drugs in my life, though I did experiment with cannabis quite a few times in my early 20s.

Anyway. I did one dab on my gums. I did feel a bit of an effect so I didn't have anymore unlike my friends.

That evening I stayed away from home at my friend's house. I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding. Since then it's awful but I haven't experienced the feeling of love and euphoria ever since. My sense of love of music and my sense of rhythm and dance vanished as did the natural high high I used to get from dancing. Awfully, my children no longer felt a part of me in my head and my heart, but rather almost like strangers (cute ones obviously) to me.i have forgotten a lot of previous cherished feelings. My connection with nature and my 6th sense got much weaker.

Has that micro dose of whatever it was ruinined me for ever? Am I imagining it all? Can I get those memories and feelings back? My friends seemed unaffected.
I realise it was stupid to take that, not least at the ripe old age of 40.

@Ohalrightthen did I say I hadn’t been to the docs? No I didn’t! I have been on antidepressants for most of my life, and my kids are not even aware of my problems, thanks very much.

Have nc to post this. Until recently I’d be joining in with the chorus saying you’re being ridiculous.

As a teen/young adult of the late 90s did plenty of party drugs. As an adult very rarely touch a thing.

However over the summer on a night out a friend of ours bought what was supposed to be cocaine and asked dh and I if we wanted some. We were drinking and thought why not. Didn’t have lots and are not regular drug takers (maybe once every couple of years). Dh had a terrible reaction - for one week he had what I can only call psychosis. I posted about it on MN as I had no idea what to do. And yes I did read about just one dose having an effect like this.

While I’m not sure whether OP is winding us all up - I want to say that like everyone else, I would habe laughed at this until it happened to dh. He’s fine now - but honestly my completely normal, mentally healthy dh went absolutely crazy for about 7 days and I had no clue what to do.

[quote gingganggooleywotsit]@Ohalrightthen did I say I hadn’t been to the docs? No I didn’t! I have been on antidepressants for most of my life, and my kids are not even aware of my problems, thanks very much.[/quote]
Babe, calm down and go and reread the post of mine that's got your knickers in a twist - i wasn't replying to you, i was talking to the OP.

I know lots of people who have taken MDMA week after week for years and I have never heard anything like this happening.

I do wonder if, as others have suggested, you've internalised anxiety about the experience/comedown and the flattened feeling you express has been continued unnecessarily. I've been in a situation where a tiny thing (a ringing in my ear after a gig) turned into a crisis (tinnitus for months and months; huge anxiety, no sleep). But cognitive behavioural therapy got rid of it, even though it felt like a totally real, phsyical thing. I'd strongly suggest you seek help from a therapist - honestly there's nothing to feel embarrassed or worried about saying that you tried drugs once, if that's what's holding you back - you do need to talk to someone about this. I have a strong feeling it will be solvable with the right help.

@TweeterandtheMonkeyman there are definitely benefits to being on an even keel. I used to feel quite paranoid. And that went too. So so odd.

Ok so we have two hypotheses. 1. MDMA by itself would not cause the problems you are explaining that you have experienced. 2. You are experiencing these problems. So it seems to me that hypothesis 3 would follow: you didn’t just take MDMA. People now are taking all kinds of chemicals, some have no names, just numbers, or MDMA that may be laced with them.

Many of the things you’re mentioning are controlled by the same section of your brain, which is important. For example, you’re not mentioning tingling hands, or difficulty urinating. The limbic system controls the high we feel from drugs and also our emotions, so the love we feel for our partners and children. Even your loss of “gut instincts” could be a lack of serotonin in part of the limbic system, or a lack of it being “fired” correctly. Sit down with yourself and be completely sure about as much as you know what happened, and be prepared when you talk to a doctor to use the clearest, least emotional, language you can about it (not gut instinct, for instant), especially when explaining the neuron storm you say you felt. I think that may be key. I would hope you then might be able to see a neurologist, they can run some blood tests to see if you’re low on any of these neurotransmitters or run you through an MRI or CT to see if your brain has suffered some kind of atrophy in somewhere like the amygdala. If you are truly experiencing the constellation of symptoms you mention, I think it’s quite likely you took something else, and a neurologist may be able to help you sort it.

@Echobelly that is helpful. Perhaps I should admit it to a therapist. But I would be so embarrassed?!

Have you lost something recently?

It's a strange one but I don't necessarily disbelieve the OP.

I took what I was told was MDMA in my early 20's (I actually suspect it was ketamine) and that triggered a major depressive episode that went on for weeks with accompanying brain zaps. Awful.

I can identify with this op. My trigger was mushrooms, one session had a ridiculous effect on me and I’m sure changed my personality. I think some of us just have very sensitive brain chemistry. Didn’t affect anyone else like me and no one wanted to believe me when I tried to say how long lasting the effects were, but at 40 years old you know who you are and you’re the only one qualified to know how different you are now. I believe you but I don’t have any solutions I’m afraid. I’ve tried the AD route and it didn’t help. Hope it has helped somewhat to get it out there but please ignore all the folk trying to make you believe you have an unrelated mh problem.

@RightYesButNo that is fascinating thank you. Is a neuron storm a thing?

Are you sure you didnt have a stroke? Personality change, like you describe, are an effect of strokes, mini or otherwise.

You're definitely imagining this, yes.

Yeah. Ok

One odd acute symptom I got for days afterwards was flickering eyelids at night. I literally couldn't keep my eyelids still. And that was obviously not psychosomatic. So there must have been something active in there.

Sorry. I feel like I am naval gazing now. But speaking to people on here is helping me figure things out. So thank you.

[quote Didthatreallyhappen]@DorisDaisyMay thank you [/quote]
OP, you're cherry picking out replies from people who support the view you have clearly already formed and ignoring the rest.

Going to go out on a limb and assume you're into healing crystals? Get a big one and knock some sense into yourself. I say that with affection.

MDMA is not blue for a start. Maybe a crushed up ecstacy tablet but that wouldn't have that kind of effect - maybe for 24 hrs or so if you had a bad comedown but not for 3.5 years! The only thing I've known to mess you up for years is acid- one of my best friends had a bad trip at my 18th birthday and has never fully recovered. Mine was lovely, just one of those things. So either it was a completely different drug (not necessarily lsd, tablets can have all kinds of crap in them if that's what you took), or more likely you've had some kind of breakdown which isn't even related. Either way, see a GP, its crazy that you haven't already

@Didthatreallyhappen Just saw your comment about feeling embarrassed to talk to a therapist about this.

Please don’t worry about feeling embarrassed. If they are experienced and competent then they will be completely used to these kinds of conversations. If they are a decent therapist, they will be able to support you through any feelings of embarrassment.

There is no way any of us can know for certain what’s causing and/ or perpetuating your symptoms... but you would definitely benefit from seeking help.

Really hope you get some answers and find ways to reconnect with the feelings you’ve lost

Whilst this would be a very, very unusual response to taking a tiny dab of mdma, and the two things may or may not be related, no one reading this thread can say definitively that the OP’s experience is not related to whatever substance she took.

All bodies are different and reactions with drugs are so complex.

Like a couple of other posters, I'm wondering about the possibility that you had a TIA. I would suggest that you to go to your GP and explain the sensation you had in your head that night, and that you feel your personality has altered as a result. You need to get this checked out.

OP, you're cherry picking out replies from people who support the view you have clearly already formed and ignoring the rest.

Yes those telling me I'm imagining it or have had a breakdown are not very helpful.

Great post from @RightYesButNo

My first instinct was to say speak to your dr, but I think the kind of information @Right provided is important to help you know how to approach this with them (and not get similarly dismissed as suffering from an unrelated mental illness of some kind).

@Didthatreallyhappen

OP, you're cherry picking out replies from people who support the view you have clearly already formed and ignoring the rest.

Yes those telling me I'm imagining it or have had a breakdown are not very helpful.

So, you're not going to go to the GP and you're just gonna, what, keep living like this? Because a handful of people on Mumsnet validated your opinion?

Honestly please see your Gp.

OP I believe you. While I wouldn’t discount the possibility your symptoms aren’t directly related, I also wouldn’t dismiss the possibility they are. It’s really impossible for anyone on this thread to tell you you’re wrong just because it’s not a usual side effect of taking mdma or other substances.