What the hell happened to me on my 40th?

[Didthatreallyhappen]

I've name changed for this as it is embarrassing and outing. On my 40th I went out to a music event with some friends. It was one of the first nights out after having ds2 who was about 2 at that point.

During the night I realised I didn't know my friends as well as I thought. They were super friendly and revved up. Halfway through, one of my friends started sharing some blue ground up powder which she said was MDMA. She was just dabbing it on her gums. I have never taken class a drugs in my life, though I did experiment with cannabis quite a few times in my early 20s.

Anyway. I did one dab on my gums. I did feel a bit of an effect so I didn't have anymore unlike my friends.

That evening I stayed away from home at my friend's house. I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding. Since then it's awful but I haven't experienced the feeling of love and euphoria ever since. My sense of love of music and my sense of rhythm and dance vanished as did the natural high high I used to get from dancing. Awfully, my children no longer felt a part of me in my head and my heart, but rather almost like strangers (cute ones obviously) to me.i have forgotten a lot of previous cherished feelings. My connection with nature and my 6th sense got much weaker.

Has that micro dose of whatever it was ruinined me for ever? Am I imagining it all? Can I get those memories and feelings back? My friends seemed unaffected.
I realise it was stupid to take that, not least at the ripe old age of 40.

@Didthatreallyhappen

Well some of the answers on here have really helped me like *@DorisDaisyMay* s post and others explaining what it could be. But I seem to be offending people now, because I won't accept I've had a mental breakdown (is a breakdown even a medical condition?) so I'll stop posting. Many thanks to the supportive responses.

This feels like watching someone run head first into a wall and being powerless to do anything about it.

Sounds like it was MDMA then! I was once given the advice "never try crack because you wont be happy again through normal means for 7 years" I guess MDMA could do the same thing?

Perhaps there was a bit of crack in it as well then

Not exactly re: neuron storms. You used the words similar to neuron storm so I used them with you, BUT we do have equivalents in neurology. There are definitely a few that might fit. I think if you were going to describe it to a doctor the best way is to say that it felt like an electrical storm in your head, because this is actually a symptom that neurologists can work with, and still encompasses the “all neurons firing” feeling you mentioned. This happens sometimes in traumatic brain injuries (TBIs), trans-escemic attacks (TIAs, known as mini-strokes), or a seizure. Now we have more data points since you mention your eyelids moving for a few days afterwards. This points more to something controlled by your brain, and a possible insult (I mean insult as in an injury) to a part of your brain that might control these systems. Blinking is controlled by the same part of the brain as the fight or flight response (you mentioned you don’t feel as much anxiety anymore either). In fact, the issue with your eyes combined with sensation you said you felt in your head does make it sound a bit like a seizure. Not all seizures involve thrashing around or lack of consciousness, etc.

I would recommend this. You tell your GP that about three years ago you experienced X symptoms (the head issues, the blinking) and after them noticed a change in your personality that doesn’t seem to lessening, but you do not feel anxious or depressed. You think you may need a neurologist because you are concerned you should have gone to one or even A&E three years ago whe n you experienced the initial symptoms. Once you see the neurologist, then tell him about having taken the drug that you believe was MDMA but now realize could have been anything and then afterwards experiencing what you’re describing as seizure-like activity and then not feeling the same afterwards, and you’d like to ensure something isn’t seriously wrong.

I hope this can help. I feel badly for the people laughing at this thread. I think you’re deeply upset about something that happened, you know SOMETHING is wrong, and you’ve finally reached the first point of trying to fix it.

That's not to say it can't be improved and change again. Brain chemistry is fluid and can be improved, whether by medication or by more natural measures such as meditation, relaxation, CBT etc

I believe you OP. My DB has fucked up his entire life with drugs. Just weed and speed, drugs people think are harmless. They’re not.

Please go and see your GP and get proper help.

And if just one of those reading this doesn’t take drugs when they might have done thanks to reading this thread, you will have done a really good thing OP by sharing your story. Please don’t take drugs folks, they’re just not worth the risk. Believe me, I know.

It would be really foolish not to speak to a doctor whatever the cause.

I believe something happened to you that night OP - as pp have said perhaps a coincidental mini stroke or a brain injury that you can't remember. Having said that a girl I was friend with at university took acid 3 or 4 times and after the last time she was never the same again and in fact ended up getting sectioned towards the end of our 3rd year. So drugs can cause lasting damage in a small minority of people (none of the other people who were taking the acid with her seem to have had any lasting effects). It does sound like part of your brain was damaged for whatever reason that night. I think the only way you can get answers is to seek the advice of a medical professional.

I had similar effects from tking prescition only painkillers.
Even 2 years later I am not back to my normal self.

Maybe you were given another type of drug/medicine and it has affected you this.

GP's generally lmpw very little about any meds or drugs.

I would read up on Neuroscience and type symptoms into google........it is possible for medicines to change people's brain chemisty and it may be OP that you were very sensitive to whatever drug it was.

OP have you ever actually spoken to your friends who you were with that night, to ask for more information about what this drug was?

Surprised by the number of people confidently telling you it’s depression. Might be, also might not be. Guess this is not the best forum for medical advice eh.

Drugs can make permanent changes to the brain, I don’t know what happened and neither do you. Ask GP for a referral to a specialist (GP will know nothing about this either).

Good luck OP I hope things get better for you and I am so sorry that this happened.

xxx

@RightYesButNo that is incredibly helpful. It did feel like an electrical storm at the front of my brain. Literally like lightening.

I've also lost any sense of wonder. Perhaps that is just due to getting older though

Thanks for the last 4 or so posts. Very helpful x

@RightYesButNo

Not exactly re: neuron storms. You used the words similar to neuron storm so I used them with you, BUT we do have equivalents in neurology. There are definitely a few that might fit. I think if you were going to describe it to a doctor the best way is to say that it felt like an electrical storm in your head, because this is actually a symptom that neurologists can work with, and still encompasses the “all neurons firing” feeling you mentioned. This happens sometimes in traumatic brain injuries (TBIs), trans-escemic attacks (TIAs, known as mini-strokes), or a seizure. Now we have more data points since you mention your eyelids moving for a few days afterwards. This points more to something controlled by your brain, and a possible insult (I mean insult as in an injury) to a part of your brain that might control these systems. Blinking is controlled by the same part of the brain as the fight or flight response (you mentioned you don’t feel as much anxiety anymore either). In fact, the issue with your eyes combined with sensation you said you felt in your head does make it sound a bit like a seizure. Not all seizures involve thrashing around or lack of consciousness, etc.

I would recommend this. You tell your GP that about three years ago you experienced X symptoms (the head issues, the blinking) and after them noticed a change in your personality that doesn’t seem to lessening, but you do not feel anxious or depressed. You think you may need a neurologist because you are concerned you should have gone to one or even A&E three years ago whe n you experienced the initial symptoms. Once you see the neurologist, then tell him about having taken the drug that you believe was MDMA but now realize could have been anything and then afterwards experiencing what you’re describing as seizure-like activity and then not feeling the same afterwards, and you’d like to ensure something isn’t seriously wrong.

I hope this can help. I feel badly for the people laughing at this thread. I think you’re deeply upset about something that happened, you know SOMETHING is wrong, and you’ve finally reached the first point of trying to fix it.

This is good advice OP

OP, I don’t feel it’s my place to argue with you about antidepressants. We would all like to believe our love for our children and partners are gifts, and they are... but they’re also lots of serotonin. They have even investigated “gut instincts” and found serotonin is involved in them as well. If you go for investigations and they discover that yes, your brain has experienced a specific insult and is no longer producing the serotonin that it should, that can definitely be fixed. But also in your place, no, I would not just accept a random antidepressant either until I had been through a GP and neurologist and ensured this wasn’t: traumatic brain injury, a seizure, a trans-ischemic attack, or low levels of other chemicals.

@dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf I completely agree that an open minded approach would help. But some of the comments on here are mocking the OP and that’s horrible to see.

I know it’s ultimately the OP’s choice and responsibility, but making assumptions isn’t going to encourage them to seek further support.

I spent years listening to other people’s unhelpful assumptions. Now I finally know the actual cause of all my symptoms, I feel frustrated when I see others being unnecessarily mocked.

Like you say, it could be something neurological.

And if it’s related to underlying mental health issues... then a few of the comments I’ve seen will only leave the OP feeling worse.

I agree about seeking help and keeping an open mind.

I also do just want to say that there’s a lot on MDMA causing strokes, so just as one example, the idea you might have suffered a mini-stroke is not at all outlandish, and I’ve found those can have huge effects on personality.

News from Australia:
www.smh.com.au/healthcare/completely-preventable-50-young-people-killed-by-stroke-after-using-meth-mdma-20190403-p51a96.html

Medical article with proof that MDMA raises the risk of cerebrovascular accident:
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10871002/

Medical case report of someone suffering a classic stroke (one sided weakness, etc) after MDMA use: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3550027/pdf/13181_2009_Article_BF03161008.pdf

Right I am off to bed and will mull over all the advice.

As I said I've never discussed this before so it feels a bit exposing.

I actually think you may have a point OP.

Throughout my late teens I consumed white wine and marijuana and it was very mild and quite lovely.

But the following year I took MDMA about six times and spent almost a year later recovering from it - depression and insomnia. It was horrible but I learned from it.

I swear that natural substances like wine and marijuana don't affect us that much but, unfortunately, synthetic stuff that people take can unfortunately have far reaching consequences as our bodies are just not used to it.

I get you!

@RightYesButNo has given the best advice. Good luck, OP!

I had MDMA once, it gave me a huge 'come down' and ill never forget that feeling. I feel like maybe you had a come down of sorts and never really got back up after it? Which is really what depression is? Anti depressants are brilliant things and what you describe sounds similar to depression. Its not always feeling sad, mine feels more like a numbness and I cant feel happiness or love or excitement when its bad. Which is where sertraline comes in and sorts me right out. Talk to your GP!

After reading this thread I feel like I've just taken some MDMA 🤯

RightYesButNo

Gives excellent advice, please go and see your GP.
They will not judge you and they are the gatekeepers to a neurology referral.

Honestly the description you gave me of the pain in your head made me think of a stroke. Please see a Dr OP.

It sounds like a stroke. My landlord's business partner had one and ended up with part of his brain dying. This was clearly visible when they imaged his brain. He had a really bad headache for a few days but didn't immediately get treatment as he assumed it was just a headache.

Its been 7 years but he's ended up more introverted and having foggy, scattered memories of the past. He also lost the ability to enjoy music and dancing which played a huge part of his wife's career. His speech was slurred for a while and he struggled with his balance. People assumed he was just drunk after it happened. There weren't obvious clues.

The effects you describe are typical to a comedown. But it’s extremely unlikely that they had long terms effects. Some clinics actually use low dose MDMA to treat PTSD sufferers and trials have shown it to be effective.