What the hell happened to me on my 40th?

[Didthatreallyhappen]

I've name changed for this as it is embarrassing and outing. On my 40th I went out to a music event with some friends. It was one of the first nights out after having ds2 who was about 2 at that point.

During the night I realised I didn't know my friends as well as I thought. They were super friendly and revved up. Halfway through, one of my friends started sharing some blue ground up powder which she said was MDMA. She was just dabbing it on her gums. I have never taken class a drugs in my life, though I did experiment with cannabis quite a few times in my early 20s.

Anyway. I did one dab on my gums. I did feel a bit of an effect so I didn't have anymore unlike my friends.

That evening I stayed away from home at my friend's house. I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding. Since then it's awful but I haven't experienced the feeling of love and euphoria ever since. My sense of love of music and my sense of rhythm and dance vanished as did the natural high high I used to get from dancing. Awfully, my children no longer felt a part of me in my head and my heart, but rather almost like strangers (cute ones obviously) to me.i have forgotten a lot of previous cherished feelings. My connection with nature and my 6th sense got much weaker.

Has that micro dose of whatever it was ruinined me for ever? Am I imagining it all? Can I get those memories and feelings back? My friends seemed unaffected.
I realise it was stupid to take that, not least at the ripe old age of 40.

I don't think it's worth seeing my GP. Honestly. How can they reinstate sentimentality and love. Correct me if I'm wrong but antidepressants don't do that.

Have you lost something recently?

I’m thinking, marbles

This might be a bit random but the first thing I thought of was some sort of brain episode like a mini stroke
Was going to come on and say the same thing. The symptoms you describe and the explosion in your head you felt made me wonder whether you had a mild stroke.

A lot of of people mentioning acid... it could have been acid, as sometimes acid is mixed with sugar, this could have been a "blue powder" Acid is probably more likely to have a long term effect ...

Can you remember what it tasted like? As MDMA would have been really disgusting, but acid slightly chemically but doesnt make you want to be sick.

@Didthatreallyhappen

OP, you're cherry picking out replies from people who support the view you have clearly already formed and ignoring the rest.

Yes those telling me I'm imagining it or have had a breakdown are not very helpful.

They might be the ones that actually end up helping you.

You have said you can no longer feel love, your children feel like strangers, and you have severe memory loss.

OP, this is incredibly sad, and unless you are exaggerating, you need help.

The fact you're so strongly connecting it to the drug taking is the thing that will stop you from getting the help you need. You are here to seek validation that there is a drug in circulation that has this effect - there isn't. Yes, drugs can be life altering, but they don't immediately rewire your brain when rubbed on your gums. You are going to find no scientific evidence of this happening, but I have a feeling science isn't something you're too fussed about.

Let this go and get the help you need. You need counselling.

@XiCi

This might be a bit random but the first thing I thought of was some sort of brain episode like a mini stroke Was going to come on and say the same thing. The symptoms you describe and the explosion in your head you felt made me wonder whether you had a mild stroke.

OP, listen to the people who have connected your symptoms with a stroke - definitely an avenue worth exploring.

Can you remember what it tasted like? As MDMA would have been really disgusting, but acid slightly chemically but doesnt make you want to be sick.

It tasted utterly disgusting. I clearly remember that.

Is it possible you could have hit your head whilst under the influence? Very sudden personality change is a symptom of traumatic brain injury. It doesn’t always have to be something ‘big’ like a car crash. Could be hitting head on a curb.

@Didthatreallyhappen

I don't think it's worth seeing my GP. Honestly. How can they reinstate sentimentality and love. Correct me if I'm wrong but antidepressants don't do that.

You're wrong. One of the main symptoms of my most recent depressive episode was a complete lack of joy and an inability to feel love for my husband, friends and family. Antidepressants fixed both problens within a month.

@Quickchangesj I remember that thread, what happened after you posted and what does he think about it all now that he's ok? Scary stuff

“One odd acute symptom I got for days afterwards was flickering eyelids at night. I literally couldn't keep my eyelids still.”

I believe that this is a common after effect of a stroke - mini or otherwise (I’m not a medical professional though).

Please see your gp! Whether caused by the drug or not, you could have had a stroke? Regardless, such a major personality change absolutely should be looked into, even if just to rule other things out.
Good luck :) x

@dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf

As you say, you’re making an assumption about the OP.

If I was reading some of these replies I might choose to ignore them too.

The brain is complex and it’s easy to ridicule or dismiss strange symptoms and experiences. But you have no way of knowing if there is an underlying mental health condition or undiagnosed neurological problem.

I can only imagine what you would have said to me if I’d tried to explain my weird symptoms.

Would you assume I’m into healing crystals and tell me I needed to use one to knock some sense into myself if I’d told you I suddenly experienced random episodes of intense euphoria or a sense of inexplicable dread/ impending doom... that I could smell weird smells that nobody else could smell... that I suddenly felt like I was dreaming and found it hard to recognise people... that I felt like I was in Alice in wonderland (everything around me shrinking or growing... feeling like I’m dropping down a rabbit hole, a weird rising sensation in my tummy) like I’m on some kind of acid trip... to the point I feel paranoid and wonder if someone is putting drugs in my food? Weird headaches... deja vu... confusion...

What lovely things would you assume about me?

You don’t have the ability to diagnose people online... A little empathy wouldn’t hurt.

OP - what is it you want from this thread? Anyone who tries to offer a suggestion to what ails you is wrong, unless they agree with your theory. You refuse to see a GP, yet complain about what has happened to you. Either you do something to help yourself, or you stay as you are. Why waste time coming onto MN when all you actually want is for people to agree with your self-diagnosis?

@Firsttimecatlady

“One odd acute symptom I got for days afterwards was flickering eyelids at night. I literally couldn't keep my eyelids still.”

I believe that this is a common after effect of a stroke - mini or otherwise (I’m not a medical professional though).

Please see your gp! Whether caused by the drug or not, you could have had a stroke? Regardless, such a major personality change absolutely should be looked into, even if just to rule other things out.
Good luck :) x

OP, please take notice of this post.

How about this - what if whatever it was you took (or something else you did/drank that night) contributed to you having a mini stroke?

If you dabbed mdma on your gums you’d know about it because it tastes absolutely disgusting 🤢

[quote amoobaa]@dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf

As you say, you’re making an assumption about the OP.

If I was reading some of these replies I might choose to ignore them too.

The brain is complex and it’s easy to ridicule or dismiss strange symptoms and experiences. But you have no way of knowing if there is an underlying mental health condition or undiagnosed neurological problem.

I can only imagine what you would have said to me if I’d tried to explain my weird symptoms.

Would you assume I’m into healing crystals and tell me I needed to use one to knock some sense into myself if I’d told you I suddenly experienced random episodes of intense euphoria or a sense of inexplicable dread/ impending doom... that I could smell weird smells that nobody else could smell... that I suddenly felt like I was dreaming and found it hard to recognise people... that I felt like I was in Alice in wonderland (everything around me shrinking or growing... feeling like I’m dropping down a rabbit hole, a weird rising sensation in my tummy) like I’m on some kind of acid trip... to the point I feel paranoid and wonder if someone is putting drugs in my food? Weird headaches... deja vu... confusion...

What lovely things would you assume about me?

You don’t have the ability to diagnose people online... A little empathy wouldn’t hurt.[/quote]
The brain is a weird and wonderful thing. My own plays some pretty fun games with me, even though I would prefer it did not. Reality itself is a pretty murky concept. Not too sure about it, myself.

That said, the OP is harming themselves by rigidly believing they have required their brain and nothing can be done.

rewired*

I don’t want to sound unkind but this doesn’t sound like a normal reaction to the various drugs that have been mentioned. Maybe speak to your gp. I wish you all the best.

Well some of the answers on here have really helped me like @DorisDaisyMay s post and others explaining what it could be. But I seem to be offending people now, because I won't accept I've had a mental breakdown (is a breakdown even a medical condition?) so I'll stop posting. Many thanks to the supportive responses.

@Didthatreallyhappen

Can you remember what it tasted like? As MDMA would have been really disgusting, but acid slightly chemically but doesnt make you want to be sick.

It tasted utterly disgusting. I clearly remember that.

Sounds like it was MDMA then! I was once given the advice "never try crack because you wont be happy again through normal means for 7 years" I guess MDMA could do the same thing?

Drugs make you " high" and then it can be hard for normal emotions to match up to how they made you feel. That's why they are addictive. Its surprising that it has had such a big effect after taking a small amount once. I guess all you can do is keep on going with your life and try to find enjoyment and love within it. Try to reflect on how you should be feeling and hopefully these feeling will come back to you eventually. Are you able to feel negative emotions?

Have you tried anti depressants before? Maybe going on them for a short time would "reset" your emotions? But you wouldn't have to tell the dr about the MDMA, just about how you feel now.

Not sure how helpful I have been but it's a difficult situation!

[quote amoobaa]@dsaflausdhfiushdfakdsf

As you say, you’re making an assumption about the OP.

If I was reading some of these replies I might choose to ignore them too.

The brain is complex and it’s easy to ridicule or dismiss strange symptoms and experiences. But you have no way of knowing if there is an underlying mental health condition or undiagnosed neurological problem.

I can only imagine what you would have said to me if I’d tried to explain my weird symptoms.

Would you assume I’m into healing crystals and tell me I needed to use one to knock some sense into myself if I’d told you I suddenly experienced random episodes of intense euphoria or a sense of inexplicable dread/ impending doom... that I could smell weird smells that nobody else could smell... that I suddenly felt like I was dreaming and found it hard to recognise people... that I felt like I was in Alice in wonderland (everything around me shrinking or growing... feeling like I’m dropping down a rabbit hole, a weird rising sensation in my tummy) like I’m on some kind of acid trip... to the point I feel paranoid and wonder if someone is putting drugs in my food? Weird headaches... deja vu... confusion...

What lovely things would you assume about me?

You don’t have the ability to diagnose people online... A little empathy wouldn’t hurt.[/quote]
In addition to my response, I'm not dismissing undiagnosed neurological problems. I think that's exactly what is going on here. The issue is that OP is blocking any potential diagnosis with their own hypothesis.

It sounds like you had a stroke. Go to the doctor

OP I've eaten lots of chocolate bars and never developed type 2 diabetes so it must be a made up thing and anyone who says they have it is crazy.

Or maybe everyone's brain chemistry is different and all of these people telling you you're making it up is because they can't imagine a world in which their experience isn't the only valid one.

I messed up my mental health in exactly this way and so did a close friend of mine. I'd rather not go into too much detail but it's entirely possible.

I don't think it's worth seeing my GP. Honestly. How can they reinstate sentimentality and love. Correct me if I'm wrong but antidepressants don't do that
Personally, I'd think EVERYTHING was worth trying. I can't imagine going 3 months let alone 3 years knowing the damage I was likely causing my children

Hi OP.
I had a very weird experience for up to a year after taking mdma.
It was a mixture of dissociation and anxiety. It was awful. I took citalopram prescribed by my GP and was back to normal after 6 months.
I would also explore what other posters have said about strokes.