What the hell happened to me on my 40th?

[Didthatreallyhappen]

I've name changed for this as it is embarrassing and outing. On my 40th I went out to a music event with some friends. It was one of the first nights out after having ds2 who was about 2 at that point.

During the night I realised I didn't know my friends as well as I thought. They were super friendly and revved up. Halfway through, one of my friends started sharing some blue ground up powder which she said was MDMA. She was just dabbing it on her gums. I have never taken class a drugs in my life, though I did experiment with cannabis quite a few times in my early 20s.

Anyway. I did one dab on my gums. I did feel a bit of an effect so I didn't have anymore unlike my friends.

That evening I stayed away from home at my friend's house. I felt something odd like some neurons in my frontal cortex exploding. Since then it's awful but I haven't experienced the feeling of love and euphoria ever since. My sense of love of music and my sense of rhythm and dance vanished as did the natural high high I used to get from dancing. Awfully, my children no longer felt a part of me in my head and my heart, but rather almost like strangers (cute ones obviously) to me.i have forgotten a lot of previous cherished feelings. My connection with nature and my 6th sense got much weaker.

Has that micro dose of whatever it was ruinined me for ever? Am I imagining it all? Can I get those memories and feelings back? My friends seemed unaffected.
I realise it was stupid to take that, not least at the ripe old age of 40.

Was going to say same thing about acid. Had a 8 hour trip and it changed me definitely. Definite shift in my emotional functioning.

So it can happen but a dab probably not.

This is the weirdest thread I’ve seen in a long time... and as everyone else has said, there is no chance a tiny amount of MDMA would have such a long lasting effect.

[quote Didthatreallyhappen]@gingganggooleywotsit I believe you.
I think the brain is very delicately balanced indeed.[/quote]
So WHY THE FUCK haven't you sought help? You know they have medications to help reset the chemical balance of your brain, right?

How on earth is it fair that your children have to live with a mother who can't feel love or joy because youre so wedded to this "drugs are so evil they ruined my soul" narrative!?

For the love of god, just go see your GP.

@amoobaa another symptom that I have is that all my sentimentality vanished. Possibly I was too sentimental before. But after that night I couldn't be bothered making a fuss about Christmas, birthdays things like that where as beforehand I would have really gone over the top and enjoyed the creativity of designing a themed party for example. So odd....

OP, even if you think they can't help, I would encourage you to see your GP. Also perhaps consider speaking to a trusted friend/family member about this,

everyone banging on about mdma not being blue - a crushed blue E would beg to differ.

OP, i did acid in my twenties and thought i’d broken my mind permanently. i developed agoraphobia and crippling anxiety and didn’t go outside for 6 months. i finally went to my GP, told a tiny lie about being spiked and he prescribed me medication.

within a month i was feeling much, much better. i genuinely thought i’d fucked myself for life. stop suffering and go see your doctor. tell them you were spiked if you don’t want to admit (although unless it was something else like MDA one dab wouldn’t have had a massive effect on you) your dab. but, go.

you don’t have to live in purgatory like this. it sounds as if this has now triggered a long-term anxiety but it’s treatable.

take it from one who knows. you will be ok.

You had a night out, not a lobotomy!

@reader12

Tears. Actual tears of laughter

maybe it's just being 40+😂

I think you're quite unwell atm, OP
Please confide in someone and or make a GP appointment.

I know someone who got so anxious after taking a class a that she had a kind of breakdown, I know that sounds extreme but she had always been a ‘good girl’ and got herself in such a panic about what the long term affects could be that she just couldn’t cope. After counselling (specifically EMDR) she is significantly better. Just thought I’d share that in case it’s useful because your story reminded me of her.

I believe you op.
One of my friends took a drug once and the change in him was very different.
Who can know if you had a predisposition to being very sensitive to something in this substance.
What to do? I would suggest going to see your GP firstly.
Things to help your mind relax so I suggest Synctuition app - pay for it and do it every day for 20 mins. You want your brain to create beta waves which out the body into a healing state. The best place to be is awake but not alert and the app will help you get there.
Dance and hug your children to create new neural pathways and perhaps reawaken old ones.

I think you have been brave to take this first step towards investigating your healing. Keep going and don’t stop because of some scoffing on mumsnet.

So many people talking about acid trips fucking them up - that's LSD not MDMA. very different things!

This might be a bit random but the first thing I thought of was some sort of brain episode like a mini stroke or brain damage of some kind (concussion can have long term effects)....I hope I'm way off base with this though. I would certainly see the doctor, and I wouldn't focus too much on the drug you took. Mention it but leave room for the doctor to search for other explanations as you don't want to steer them too much.

The first time I took MDMA (with the specific intention of working through trauma) I was ill for a week afterwards, depressed, crying, couldn't function, eventually went in to work on the Wednesday after taking it on the previous Friday only to be sent home by my boss as I looked so ill.

I eventually realised it wasn't just the "Suicide Tuesday" thing where your serotonin is temporarily depleted, it was something in my psyche that had somehow been let out of its box and I desperately needed it to be stuffed back in there until I was ready to deal with it. So I charged off to the friend that I took it with the first time and begged him for more of it so I could fix whatever had gone wrong.

I was okay after that second time, though I never managed to actually resolve my trauma symptoms via MDMA despite several more attempts.

So I totally believe you, although you might not find the "more MDMA" solution that worked for me very palatable.

Look I agree with most folk that it’s extremely unlikely a one off dab of mdma would have much effect on you, positive or negative.

But given that 1- we don’t know how much “a dab” is in these circumstances 2- we don’t know what the drug was or what strength it was (there have been some extremely strong blue pills in the last couple of years that could have been crushed) and 3- we don’t know the OP’s particular brain chemistry, genetic predisposition to mental illness and other risk factors, it’s probably not helpful to speculate.

OP if your friends took the same drug and we’re ok, and you had less the the amount you could fit on the head of a matchstick, it seems likely that the drug wasn’t abnormally strong and you didn’t take to much, but I think you’d actually be best speaking to a trained drugs information/counselling service and/or your doctor about this. Try not to worry, people will be able to help you if you ask for help :-)

Changes like that can happen with mini strokes. Suggest you talk to a GP about it

Don’t do drugs kids!
Oh! You’re in your 40’s. 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Cherrypies

Have you thought about early onset menopause. I had mine at 46, strange stage of life, affects people in different ways.

I second this, perimenopause can really fuck with your brain long before the physical symptoms appear. Get a hormone blood panel from the doc.

MDMA doesn't do anything to you on a long term basis. It's actually one of the safest drugs you can take, so long as you take an appropriate dose.

The problem is, when you buy illegal drugs, how do you really know what it is? It could have been something else. Or could have been MDMA with something else mixed in. The fact that it was blue is a bit strange, although I haven't taken drugs in a very long time so maybe that's something that you can get now.

I agree with a lot of the PPs who have suggested speaking to your doctor. It's very unlikely that a tiny dab of drugs 3 1/2 years ago is having any effect on you now.

Sometimes when people have mini strokes, TIAs they can hear a popping noise in head. Maybe just coincidental that you’ve had a neurological event in same time frame and you’re still experiencing a personality shift as you never got it checked out?

[quote Didthatreallyhappen]@gingganggooleywotsit I believe you.
I think the brain is very delicately balanced indeed.[/quote]
OP, what I think has happened here is you took a drug, worried about it, connected it to some unrelated feelings of anxiety and pre-depression, worried some more, became increasingly anxious and depressed, worried some MORE, now you're REALLY anxious and depressed.

Until you let go of the idea that one dab of a drug 're-wired your sensitive brain' (it did not), you aren't going to find the actual reasons behind (and subsequently the cure for) your poor mental health. With a bit of luck, the feelings of anxiety and depression might actually even be being caused by you thinking you've broken your brain and once once you realise you haven't, they'll fall away.

Er you shouldn't have done drugs... lol

But seriously i think you should admit to a doctor what you did and see what they say.. it sounds like it has affected your brain in a way that anti depression tablets do... i have been on anti depressants before and they give me a popping sensation in my brain do u still get this or was it just at the time... it does sound linked to depression..

I think the MDMA would have been filtered out of your system in less than a week so I doubt the little amount you took caused such lasting damage.

@DorisDaisyMay thank you

I’ve always been a bit “dead inside” 😄 and don’t get massively sentimental re Christmas, birthdays etc. And I did take loads of mdma back in the day 🤔
On the plus side I’m generally on a pretty even keel and don’t have to post on here “sat shaking and crying “ so there’s that 😂