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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

476 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 27/11/2020 13:39

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

OP posts:
Rosebel · 27/11/2020 15:40

I did think you sounded harsh but reading your update it's understandable so try not to worry about it.
It is possible that she doesn't feel the cold though. My 14 year old never wears a coat and rarely a jumper even today when it was freezing. She often comes home and puts a t shirt on. I wish I was like her.

gamerchick · 27/11/2020 15:42

Christ, what are you going to be like when she's a teen and refuses a coat?

That wasn't a battle to choose, the cold for a little while won't hurt her and she'll.warm up in the car. She was wearing it at least.

RattleOfBars · 27/11/2020 15:43

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.

We all make mistakes parenting. I’d sit down and tell her you were tired and stressed, that you made a bad decision and you’re sorry. Emphasise the importance of her listening to you in future.

gamerchick · 27/11/2020 15:44

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done

Put it out of your head. She will. This shit happens.

randomsabreuse · 27/11/2020 15:46

I don't allow flapping around coats on the park. Coat is on or off if climbing, not open, too much risk of getting hung up...

Sometimes with girls that age you need to go "strict" on something when you've got time. I had to leave the safari park early over the summer because DD was refusing to listen - they won't always understand "why" they need to do what you say - we've had many battles about climbing unsafely and anything like "you could get hurt" is answered by 'but I didn't'...

There's also the whole battle about coats when it's clearly about to chuck it down and you want coat on before you get properly soaked - ominous squall line tells you as an adult that it's about get very wet, DC refuses to put coat on until it's actually pouring and is therefore unnecessarily soaked meaning you have to go home earlier than planned... I'd rather have DC used to putting coat on properly when asked.. before it becomes urgent!

Feministicon · 27/11/2020 15:47

@randomsabreuse

I don't allow flapping around coats on the park. Coat is on or off if climbing, not open, too much risk of getting hung up...

Sometimes with girls that age you need to go "strict" on something when you've got time. I had to leave the safari park early over the summer because DD was refusing to listen - they won't always understand "why" they need to do what you say - we've had many battles about climbing unsafely and anything like "you could get hurt" is answered by 'but I didn't'...

There's also the whole battle about coats when it's clearly about to chuck it down and you want coat on before you get properly soaked - ominous squall line tells you as an adult that it's about get very wet, DC refuses to put coat on until it's actually pouring and is therefore unnecessarily soaked meaning you have to go home earlier than planned... I'd rather have DC used to putting coat on properly when asked.. before it becomes urgent!

Why just girls?
Gobbycop · 27/11/2020 15:47

Was she cold?

Surely that's her decision to make and live with.

Hardly the end of the world if she got a bit cold.

notanothertakeaway · 27/11/2020 15:50

Okay folks, let's lay off the OP. She's accepted she was BU

HelplessProcrastinator · 27/11/2020 15:52

I hate the ‘because I said so’ school of parenting. My parents were like that and I massively rebelled in my teens. I am really strict with safety, manners, kindness. Things that matter. My kids respect my authority more because I don’t fuss about things like coats being done up. Having said that I’ve been there with a wilful 3 year old and a baby. It’s bloody hard so give yourself a break.

Connieston · 27/11/2020 15:54

Defo don't beat yourself up - it sounds as if she's been pushing a few boundaries and you're shattered!

When I'm stressed its really hard to be consistent or decisive I find.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 27/11/2020 15:54

Why just girls?
Wouldn't want them growing up with notions of independent thought or anything crazy like that.

Yubaba · 27/11/2020 15:56

Ds2 is never cold and he’s gone to school today with no coat on, and he’s wearing shorts.
He’s just a hot child. He’s 10 and I’ve definitely learned to pick my battles over coat wearing. He hates socks too.

Feministicon · 27/11/2020 15:57

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

Why just girls? Wouldn't want them growing up with notions of independent thought or anything crazy like that.
I’m intrigued as I can’t think of any other meaning behind it than what you are suggesting.
Krampusnacht · 27/11/2020 15:57

It's not an ultimatum I'd have given in the first place. Most kids will tell you if they're cold. Unnecessary upset imo 🤷🏻‍♀️

loveyouradvice · 27/11/2020 15:58

Having had a daughter who never wanted to wear a coat and genuinely didnt get cold, I think we need to let them learn early on when and whether they will get cold.

And I so sympathise with your daughter's desire for everyone to admire her dress!

Next time perhaps just let her and see what happens... good learning for her if she does get cold, good learning for you if she doesn't

Good luck!

Newmumatlast · 27/11/2020 15:58

On the fence about this. You warned that the result would be going home so if you didnt follow through then it might have an impact on your discipline tactics in future. However I absolutely think you were being unreasonable to take issue with it in the first place. If she got cold, that would have been sufficient consequence for her to decide if she wants that to happen again.

waltzingparrot · 27/11/2020 16:03

I'd say the method was right.
Too small a battle.
But hopefully, she will have learnt that when you say it, you mean it and you'll be able to remind her of this event when the big battle comes along.

Simbidian · 27/11/2020 16:04

I would have left it. Children wear coats when their parents are cold...

Wondergirl100 · 27/11/2020 16:05

Running around in the park is good for her so i would never remove a childs fresh air and playtime for this.

Not worth a big battle. and sad for her to miss her time playing.

VulvaPerson · 27/11/2020 16:05

If she was cold she would do her coat up, regardless of if she wants to show her dress off though. I would say this is harsh, but obviously every parent is different. I would not chose a battle over this, however many things I do chose to put my foot down about, you would likely disagree.

Wondergirl100 · 27/11/2020 16:05

Also - she probably isn't as cold as you. Kids are running around when outdoors, adults stand still. Do you wear a coat when you go for a run?

randomsabreuse · 27/11/2020 16:06

Boys have the defiant for the sake of defiance stage slightly later I think...

I expect my son to obey necessary clothing rules as well, and out and about I expect obedience without discussion - in the house/garden/ a controlled environment not so much.

Neither of my children are allowed to climb with a flapping coat.

School run is along a fairly busy road where people drive at stupid speeds sometimes (had a bus vs motorbike incident this afternoon). I expect absolute obedience along this road because there is no room for "natural consequences" and mistakes. Same goes for hiking or next to lakes or rivers. Play areas, our cul de sac, at home or in the garden we can discuss why before doing.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/11/2020 16:08

You warned her, she didn’t listen, and so you followed through with what you warned her with. Sounds like good parenting to me.

DildoAndAKneeAss · 27/11/2020 16:11

OP, I was about to go on about natural consequences - but then I read your update.

You made a mistake insisting that your DD do her coat up, and having done that, you'd already gone down a great big slippery slope that could only end in her digging her heels in and you having to follow through.

I suspect that however much good advice we can come up with, we have all done this at some point. I was pretty good at 'natural consequences' and rarely went head-to-head with my DC at that age - but quite often, the thing you get agitated about isn't the actual thing that's bothering you, if you see what I mean.

I have this with my youngest (who is 16) in spades. I often find myself being cross with her about something relatively trivial - but it's that my general frustration with her attitude tends to boil over as a result of a particular (small) misdemeanour.

So while I was the perfect parent to toddlers, I'm a pretty crap one to difficult teenagers.

Tomorrow is another day.

nitsandwormsdodger · 27/11/2020 16:13

Doing up seat beats =absolutely
Coats= no

Pick your battles, kids are warmer than adults and are running about