To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

Everyone gets into the odd pointless battle with their kids, don’t fret about it. Especially when you have a small baby and you’re tired.

FWIW I don't think you were over the top for wanting her to do up her coat. It was a cold day today.

However, I wouldn't have issued the "or we're going home" ultimatum, because once you've said that, you have to follow through or she won't take you seriously in the future. So that's really where your problem was, imo

Please don't feel awful about it. It's all a learning experience.

I am not a “natural consequences” parent. Some things that children really must not do (run into the road, eat/drink mysterious things, play with weapons) do not have natural consequences that I am okay with. They need to learn to do as they are told.

This is a tough one, because its kind of both unreasonable and reasonable all in one.

Firstly, I wouldn't have have picked this battle in particular, I'd have asked if she was cold, and if she said no I'd have accepted it and if later on she'd mentioned being cold I'd have told her to do up her coat, then let her run riot in the park for a bit! its sort of up to her if the coat is zipped up ( I have a kid who would happily run around with no coat/hat/gloves even in arctic conditions!!)

On the other had - you told her you'd take her home if she didn't do the coat up - and by this point you'd committed so you had to follow through as she needs to know you'll mean what you say for future reference. Learning to respect rules/boundaries is a very important life lesson

Honestly, I'd chalk this one up to sleep deprivation, give yourself a break and take your DD back to the park tomorrow and try again! it is definitely NOT shit parenting, its one of those situations that just didn't pan out how you wanted, it happens to all of us....Parenting is like the hunger games!!!!

Might do you a favour in the long run, next time you threaten to go home, she will know your serious.

I say good work!

@flaviaritt

I am not a “natural consequences” parent. Some things that children really must not do (run into the road, eat/drink mysterious things, play with weapons) do not have natural consequences that I am okay with. They need to learn to do as they are told.

But if you make them ‘do what they’re told’ for petty things, like doing up their coat, which does not cause harm then there will come a point they won’t listen. That’s why people say ‘pick your battles.’ Then when you do have to come down like a ton of bricks because of a safety issue or whatever they know there’s no messing and you’re serious.

So in some scenarios the natural consequences thing is fine, like in the OPs.

Complete overreaction. If she's cold she would tell you and wear her coat. Children running around are not going to feel the cold as much as an adult just stood around supervising. Pick your battles and choose an appropriate punishment 🙄

Don't feel bad OP. It's a slightly harsh punishment in this instance but actually I agree with a pp that in principle children need to learn that grownups know best and that they often need to do things they do not want to do.

My DS has form for refusing to dress warmly enough then getting chillblains etc. No, the natural consequence doesnt take effect because he is not old enough to link the appearance of the chillblains much later on with getting cold in the park.

I do have to impose gloves etc for his own good.

If I had a pretty new dress I would want to show it off too.

Why just girls?
Because boys are tough and don't do what they're told but girls must learn to comply......

No you are not out of order she needs to learn when you say things you mean it.
I was looking at a woman this morning walking around the park she was carrying her child for around 20 minutes and kept saying you have to walk or get in the buggy, he kept screaming when she tried to put him down, so kept carrying him all the time complaining I can't carry you anymore.
Anyway another half an hour and she was still carrying him. He obviously learnt from this if I keep crying and staying no I get my own way.
You did the right thing and taught your daughter when you say something you mean it. X

But if you make them ‘do what they’re told’ for petty things, like doing up their coat, which does not cause harm then there will come a point they won’t listen.

Not true. I was raised by parents who expected me to do as I was told and simply grew up well behaved and compliant. They let me learn these sorts of lessons like not wearing a coat when I was a bit older & could link those natural consequences with the action better. 3.5 is too young, they only understand very simple immediate consequences.

@copperoliver

No you are not out of order she needs to learn when you say things you mean it. I was looking at a woman this morning walking around the park she was carrying her child for around 20 minutes and kept saying you have to walk or get in the buggy, he kept screaming when she tried to put him down, so kept carrying him all the time complaining I can't carry you anymore. Anyway another half an hour and she was still carrying him. He obviously learnt from this if I keep crying and staying no I get my own way. You did the right thing and taught your daughter when you say something you mean it. X

Don't make that judgement. You have no idea of the circumstances.

I’m picturing a little girl pleased as punch about everyone saying what a pretty dress she has and then her Mum telling her she can’t show it off, getting cross with her and then being taken home without playing on the playground

Yeah it was a bit harsh but she might listen
to you next time. Not the end of the world.

Picking your battles is exactly right. Somethings need strictly enforced boundaries (as a PP said for which natural consequences would be dangerous). Some things are natural consequences and some things should be personal independent choice.

I am sure people judge sometimes when DS isnt wearing a coat - his natural body type/temperature means he simply does not need a coat at a temperature others do (a bit like how runners dont). He certainly doesnt need to have his coat done up until it is practically freezing. Allow her OP to decide on those things herself

@ImPrincessAurora

I’m picturing a little girl pleased as punch about everyone saying what a pretty dress she has and then her Mum telling her she can’t show it off, getting cross with her and then being taken home without playing on the playground

I'm picturing a mum trying to do her best for her young child and making an error of judgement in a moment of exasperation at said child refusing to do as she's told (probably for the hundredth time that day, being 3)

I'm also picturing a much more harmonious visit to the playground next time they go out!

@ImPrincessAurora The OP has already said she feels awful and that it was a mistake. Do you think your post is helpful?

My son was always the one running around in a cold playground with just at-shirt on. Even now we go for walks in 5 degrees and he'll only wear a hoodie - he's just naturally quite hot.
I have spent hours carrying round a lovely thick coat in case he gets cold and he really never wears it.

Chalk it up to experience but pick your battles. this one isn't worth it.

Haha. Wait until she's 14 and refuses to wear a coat to school in the bitter cold or driving rain. Teenagers hate coats. You need to relax over things like this. She won't die of cold when she's running around in a playground.

Pick your battles OP. There’ll be plenty more to come!

Wait till she is a teenager! Impossible to get them to wear coats!

So in some scenarios the natural consequences thing is fine, like in the OPs.

There’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with “because I said so” either.

But if you make them ‘do what they’re told’ for petty things, like doing up their coat, which does not cause harm then there will come a point they won’t listen.

Maybe. But there might also come a point where they do as you say because they understand that it is because you said it. What I am teaching my child is that I am the parent, she is the child. She isn’t the one who decides what’s petty.