To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

Park is a relatively low value place to make the "sometimes you just do what you're told" point.

I thought this too! OP - sounds like this was one of a long line of incidents and was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Don’t beat yourself up over it; we’ve all done things we wouldn’t with hindsight.

On the flip side, my friend’s DD is 8 now and is, to put it bluntly, a bloody pain. She won’t do anything she’s asked to and every single little thing has to be a massive negotiation, even when it has an impact on the enjoyment of others there at the time. And other kids (and parents!) will now try to avoid her company. Sometimes kids don’t always get to do what they want. Your DD will now know that you’ll follow through and it’s not a bad lesson learned.

Because children need reliable boundaries

How is ‘if you don’t do what I say every single time regardless of how ridiculous it is, I will think of a punishment you (a 3.5 year old I’m supposed to love) will absolutely hate just so that I can win’ an reliable boundary?

@Pumperthepumper

Because children need reliable boundaries

How is ‘if you don’t do what I say every single time regardless of how ridiculous it is, I will think of a punishment you (a 3.5 year old I’m supposed to love) will absolutely hate just so that I can win’ an reliable boundary?

Which is why you have to be careful what boundary you set, and don’t set ones that have no reason behind them, like having a coat done up.

But for example, I might say “you need to wear a sun hat, because it protects your skin and stops you getting sunstroke. If you don’t wear it, you’ll have to sit in the shade”
If you then don’t enforce this, how will the child learn what are your rules for keeping them safe and secure? The message they get is “they say one thing but they don’t mean it”.

Which is why you have to be careful what boundary you set, and don’t set ones that have no reason behind them, like having a coat done up.

But that’s not the same as ‘always follow through with your threats’.

One of my friends is terrible for this. She would set silly hills to die on, fail to follow through and now, at 10, her child walks all over her because she knows that her mum is totally inconsistent.

I actually think in this case, it’s better to follow through on a stupid threat and learn from your mistake.

@Ozgirl75

I actually think in this case, it’s better to follow through on a stupid threat and learn from your mistake.

To the detriment of your own child? So they never learn clear boundaries, only ‘I am the boss who must be obeyed’? Great advice 👍

For a 3 year old, yes. Mine are older now so can understand better that things can change but in general I think it’s better to be consistent.
It’s ok if you disagree with me, I’m sure we’re all doing our best with our kids and maybe what works for yours wouldn’t work for mine and vice versa.

@Ozgirl75

For a 3 year old, yes. Mine are older now so can understand better that things can change but in general I think it’s better to be consistent. It’s ok if you disagree with me, I’m sure we’re all doing our best with our kids and maybe what works for yours wouldn’t work for mine and vice versa.

Yes, although I don’t think I’ll ever see ‘obey me or I’ll punish you for reasons you’re too little to understand, also I need to win’ as anything other than bullying.

Doing up seat beats =absolutely
Coats= no

A child doesn't have the necessary reasoning to distinguish between orders which have to be followed and those which don't.
Far better to insist that your child is obedient, or it creates confusion. i.e. 'I didn't have to do up my coat, so why should I have to do up my seat belt?'

Don't beat yourself up - we've all picked the wrong battles with toddlers from time to time!

If you said to do the coat up or you go home and she didn’t then yes you should follow through and go home.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

Doing up seat beats =absolutely Coats= no

A child doesn't have the necessary reasoning to distinguish between orders which have to be followed and those which don't.
Far better to insist that your child is obedient, or it creates confusion. i.e. 'I didn't have to do up my coat, so why should I have to do up my seat belt?'

That’s where being a parent comes in - you have to do up your seat belts because it’s safer. You have to brush your teeth because otherwise they’ll fall out. You have to hold my hand when we cross the roads because it’s dangerous.

Not ‘you are not doing exactly what I say and I MUST be obeyed so here’s a stupid overreaction and I won’t back down because of some weird rule everyone spouts even though it’s cruel’.

I see parenting as guiding a child, rather than them being obedient to everything I say. Obviously I wouldn’t allow them to do something that would harm themselves or others, but if they wanted to run around with their coat undone I‘d let them find out if they think it’s sensible or not.

Well she obviously didn’t think it was a stupid rule at the time. She had a reason (you’ll get cold) and has realised with hindsight that it probably wasn’t a good enough reason and maybe this was one where she could have let the kid decide if the coat needed doing up.
But as @Olderbutnotmuchwiser said, better to be consistent because otherwise how will they differentiate over when a parent really means it, and when they don’t.
I’m sort of amazed that anyone with children wouldn’t think setting consistent rules is a good idea to be honest, but I think we’ve all seen children of parents who don’t - which reinforces why it’s a good idea!

This should be a case of "I would like you to do your coat up as it is cold" not "you must do your coat up or we are going home" but once you've made it into a must do you must follow through on the threat.

Its not a battle I would have and seems a little petty to be honest. Not quite sure why coats have to be fastened at least she was wearing one. Shr missed out I feel.

Far better to insist that your child is obedient, or it creates confusion. i.e. 'I didn't have to do up my coat, so why should I have to do up my seat belt?'

How will you manage to nurture and independent and able human if your parenting ethos is 'you must obey me'? This might work when they are very small but as they grow up they need a little bit more from you than that.

How will you manage to nurture and independent and able human if your parenting ethos is 'you must obey me'? This might work when they are very small but as they grow up they need a little bit more from you than that.

Which is why you adapt your parenting to the stages of your child’s development. At 3-4 “because I said so” is very reasonable in lots of situations. There is also room for explanation, but it is important that the child doesn’t grow to rely on explanation.

@flaviaritt

You are not the poster I was asking, unless you have name changed?

papaelf

It’s an open forum.

@Ozgirl75

Well she obviously didn’t think it was a stupid rule at the time. She had a reason (you’ll get cold) and has realised with hindsight that it probably wasn’t a good enough reason and maybe this was one where she could have let the kid decide if the coat needed doing up. But as *@Olderbutnotmuchwiser* said, better to be consistent because otherwise how will they differentiate over when a parent really means it, and when they don’t. I’m sort of amazed that anyone with children wouldn’t think setting consistent rules is a good idea to be honest, but I think we’ve all seen children of parents who don’t - which reinforces why it’s a good idea!

I’m sort of amazed that there are still parents who bully their children so they (the parent) never loses. But I guess that’s why we see so many teenagers who bully.

Absolutely no logic in ‘you have to be punished regardless of what you’ve done just because I say so and maybe one day by chance it’ll be worthwhile’

Funny, I thought we had so many teenagers who bully because they have no rules or boundaries at home and are desperately unhappy and have no idea of appropriate behavior as a result.

Not ‘you are not doing exactly what I say and I MUST be obeyed so here’s a stupid overreaction and I won’t back down because of some weird rule everyone spouts even though it’s cruel’

So now it's 'cruel' to have a coat fastened?
When I was teaching, at playtime I would say, 'Coats on, and line up.' I didn't need ten children whining at me that they didn't want their coat on!
The OP is teaching her child a valuable lesson that parents know best. Ok, they don't always get it spot on, but in the cases they don't, no great harm comes to a child who knows he or she should do as mummy says.

@DressingGownofDoom

Funny, I thought we had so many teenagers who bully because they have no rules or boundaries at home and are desperately unhappy and have no idea of appropriate behavior as a result.

No boundaries at all? Or some boundaries combined with a parent who doesn’t think following through with any threat regardless of how stupid and/or detrimental it is to that kid is a good idea?

Following through on a stupid threat you made in the heat of the moment just so you win is shitty behaviour.