To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

It’s absolutely ridiculous to say because you made the thread you had to follow through. It’s unbelievably stupid - in what other area of life do we give the advice ‘well, you said you’d do it regardless of the shitty consequence of that so get on with it’?

It’s rubbish parenting. It’s ‘I’m the boss, you’re the worm’ parenting. It’s pathetic. It’s much, much nicer to say to your very small child ‘I shouldn’t have said that’ - that’s where compassion for others is learned.

Mine done a sxhool run without a coat today. Pick your own battles.

Anyone here with any pity for a reception teacher with 20 4 year olds all refusing to wear their coats on a November morning?

@flaviaritt

Yes, because the most important thing to teach a little girl is to be compliant, not to have any bodily autonomy.

This is a really specious argument. Small children are vulnerable if they don’t do as they are told. Young women (and adult women) are vulnerable if they do exactly as they are told. Growing up - obviously - involves a transition from having to do as you are told to being independent. A good parent manages this transition. They don’t bring it forward so that a 3 year old is allowed an inappropriate level of autonomy.

No, it's not. Teaching children to be unquestioningly compliant is not good parenting.

Young children get abused all too frequently, you don't have to be an adult.

Zipping up your coat or not is hardly an inappropriate level of autonomy.

I have been you because I thought I knew better than a toddler about what was good for them. And I do still know better than them but this week I have walked home with both my DC in school clothes and cardigans but no coats (in bag or thrust over my arm). I am in a super snug coat, woolly hat, gloves, scarf, trousers and warm boots. Neither of them even mentioned the cold on the 1/2 mile walk home. As they have got older I have realised they don't feel the cold like I do. So they make choices I would never make but they're happy with them. I wish I could go back to myself them and tell me to let them be.

YABU. Natural consequences wherever possible work best. Here you just look vindictive to your child
The natural consequence of not doing up a coat = feeling cold. Or perhaps she wasnt cold given that she is a different person to you

I don’t think YABU, it was bloody cold where I live today and I’d probably have done the same with my son. I give him lots of appropriate choices in life, but I am the adult and he needs to wear a winter coat on a cold day IMO!

Teaching children to be unquestioningly compliant is not good parenting.

I don’t teach her to be unquestioningly compliant.

YANBU to stand your ground as a parent. But I do think you picked a pointless battle that did not need fighting.

@Toomuchtooyoung01

I feel bloody awful now. She hasn't been listening to a word I say recently and everything is negotiation and multiple requests/explanations and thsi coupled with sleep deprivation of her baby brother who is up all night every night and I think in hindsight I lost it a bit when I shouldn't have done.

Don't feel too bad OP. We all have our moments. YWBU (we live in an extremely cold climate, and my DS can never be arsed to do up his coat unless it's well below -15C... it doesn't harm them as much as people assume, it's actually their mittens and hat that are more important tbh), it was a pointless battle to fight, but, you lived and learned.

FWIW I found that at that stage, it was best to have only a very few hard limits, usually around the safety of others, and let her suffer natural consequences for the rest. No negotiation, no multiple requests. It's exhausting and doesn't get you anywhere.

The worst that will have happened with the coat is that she will have got cold, which, if you're in the UK is an easily reversible problem provided you have a warm home to go to after a few hours. Focus on things like, is she throwing herself down the stairs or running around with a choking hazard in her mouth, etc. The rest will work itself out over time. You don't have to have perfect authority over every detail of her behaviour.

Forgive yourself, we all misjudge things occasionally.

They don’t bring it forward so that a 3 year old is allowed an inappropriate level of autonomy.

Choosing whether to have your coat done up is a highly appropriate level of bodily autonomy for a three year old.

YABVU poor wee girl.

Don't feel bad just pick your battles. IMO some lessons teach themselves ie if they don't eat enough tea, they get hungry later. If they won't wear enough layers, they get cold or wet depending on the weather. If they don't do their reading homework, they look like a knob when they can't read the book to the teacher. I tend to focus my (largely unsuccessful) efforts on the shit that doesn't have immediate consequences such as manners and picking up after themselves and let them learn the rest the hard way.

You don't get ill from being cold, you just feel cold then you warm back up again once you go inside. I'd have just let her be the judge of whether she was warm enough and not fussed over the coat. But I have noticed people are weird about kids temperatures I found it one of the few things strangers would comment on when mine were younger so I can understand why you might have got flustered.

My dd does not feel the cold- neither would l if l ran about as much as she did. Your dd would soon have let you know Op sorry but yabu

Yes, if my dc want to run around in a vest they can - they know if they are cold not me, and if they become cold then it's natural consequences and they might make different choices next time. Dd1 wears shorts year round, if she had a coat on it would be none of my concern of it was actually done up at an age where they can communicate if they wish that. Dd2 usually ditches her coat within minutes of being at the park as she gets hot quickly running around.

Also it's been especially mild today as there was no wind , seems a big over reaction

Maybe she wasn't cold. Different people like different temperatures.

The OP said that she feels awful about it over 6 hours ago.

@WitchFindersAreEverywhere

Anyone here with any pity for a reception teacher with 20 4 year olds all refusing to wear their coats on a November morning?

Yes! Teachers have to get children to put their coats on properly to play outside, all these parents who don't bother making their child zip up their coat or even wear one are quite possibly making life harder for their child and their teacher at school.

I think this is a battle I wouldn't have picked. But if you threaten then you need to follow through.

Awww she was excited about her pretty dress OP
Kids and coats... Losing battle. Trust me they don't feel the cold like we do. They are young, strong and at 100 mph.
If I'd have entered into coatwars with my 8 I'd have never have gone anywhere.
As many have said choose your battles wisely. No little girl with a pretty dress is going to want it's loveliness covered by a coat.
You're going to see lots of
fashion items needing to be displayed over the years.
I'm all for following through instructions and consequences, but this one you were on a hiding to nothing.

My dd when she was 3 refused to wear gloves and then would scream when her hands became freezing cold. It was incredibly frustrating.
You’re doing your best and it is important that your kids listen to you. They don’t always make the right decisions.

@flaviaritt

Yes, because the most important thing to teach a little girl is to be compliant, not to have any bodily autonomy.

This is a really specious argument. Small children are vulnerable if they don’t do as they are told. Young women (and adult women) are vulnerable if they do exactly as they are told. Growing up - obviously - involves a transition from having to do as you are told to being independent. A good parent manages this transition. They don’t bring it forward so that a 3 year old is allowed an inappropriate level of autonomy.

Well, the op's little girl did have her coat on, she just didn't want it done up. I'd call that a compromise and it's not as if she was going to be standing still in the cold for hours.

Definitely not worth the battle. Next time just explain that if she gets cold because she leaves her coat open, she might stop having fun sooner and get less play time. Then let her play. She might not get cold. If she does, she learns her lesson for next time.

She is at the age where she wants to experiment with her autonomy. It helps to give her acceptable to you choices whenever possible and only lay down the law on things that matter. It’s not a magic fix for the stage of development, but it does help.

My kids always want to be as naked as possible at all times! (3&5). I just let them get on with it! They never really get cold.

I've just bought them both a Lovely new jacket each though and they were setting off for a bike ride with DH. Little one didn't want to wear his. 'Ok fine I'll sent it back to the shop' he put it on. I would have done as well! But he could still have gone on his bike ride without.