To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

Great post @Badgerstmary

You are a bigger child than she is. YABU!

and tyhis is why kids get away with arguing and disobeying parents - of course she did the right thing - after asking and explaining a number of times and giving her fair warning she was right to take her home for being disobedient. She was caring for her child.

@Nottherealslimshady

If I tell my DC not to cross the road without me, to stop climbing on the wall with the big drop on the other side I damn well expect her to obey. If the "feared" consequence is raised the answer is always "but it didn't happen/ I wouldn't fall" - she can't tell the difference between "essential" instructions and "authority figure being pushy" instructions.

Park is a relatively low value place to make the "sometimes you just do what you're told" point. Annoyingly I had to make it at the Safari park (refusing to come off play area/ running off) which hurt but not too much as we have a season ticket.

@Badgerstmary

Hi op. As parents we often know what 3 yr olds need better than they do & yes, they are often stubborn. Where I live it was only 3C today so I would have made sure she was wearing her coat zipped up. (If it was 10C that’s a bit different) It sounds good that you have an independent little girl & these skills will be very useful when she is older, but she needs to learn that she has to do what she is told or there will be consequences & that is exactly what you helped teach her today. Of course she was cross, hopefully she was learning too.

This with bells on!

Btw I said it was daft not crime of the century so not on side of lampooning they OP. I just don’t think it’s a battle worth fighting. My DS was really awkward about wearing a coat as a toddler. He’s grown out of it now (6).

We did go to the science museum when he was about 4 and when we stood in front of the body heat machine it was obvious that his body temperature was much higher than other people’s!

If I tell my DC not to cross the road without me, to stop climbing on the wall with the big drop on the other side I damn well expect her to obey. If the "feared" consequence is raised the answer is always "but it didn't happen/ I wouldn't fall" - she can't tell the difference between "essential" instructions and "authority figure being pushy" instructions.

And nor (I assume) does she have the capacity to understand that the “natural consequences” of some things are tragically worse than others. So if you let her do what she likes and take the consequences (otherwise known as just leaving her to it) the chances are she’s going to get hurt.

Jerez choose another hill to die on ... she was delighted with her wee dress. Joy sucker

Interesting post about the merits of making a stand in a low value place, which I do agree with! Also never using consequences that will inconvenience other people, eg cancellation of play date or party with another child.

I probably wouldn't have taken her out in the dress in the first place if I'm honest, it's asking for trouble! I think you had to hold the boundary and follow through with what you'd said, otherwise she wouldn't listen next time.

It's not the end of the world, of course she's upset but next time she might just listen to you.

(I also kinda agree with those that have said she's old enough to decide whether she wants the coat or not, but if she had been wearing a jumper you probably wouldn't have minded as much?)

You are forcing your will onto DD and denying her responsibility for her own body. YABMassivelyU and ridiculous.

She's your child. You decide what us tight and wrong.

She's your child. You decide What is right and wrong

As a kid I hated zipping my coat up, it felt uncomfortable and restricting... as an adult I still never fasten it. My child is the same. We live in Scotland so you know not warm in winter. I don’t force her, never have. Was it a battle worth fighting? I wouldn’t have thought so. Plenty layers, and if they are running around they warm up quickly. Lesson learned if they get cold, even at the age of three.

Not a hill I would die on.
But kudos for following through.

[quote randomsabreuse]@Nottherealslimshady

If I tell my DC not to cross the road without me, to stop climbing on the wall with the big drop on the other side I damn well expect her to obey. If the "feared" consequence is raised the answer is always "but it didn't happen/ I wouldn't fall" - she can't tell the difference between "essential" instructions and "authority figure being pushy" instructions.

Park is a relatively low value place to make the "sometimes you just do what you're told" point. Annoyingly I had to make it at the Safari park (refusing to come off play area/ running off) which hurt but not too much as we have a season ticket.[/quote]
But would you not explain why? Would you really say "because I said so" or would you say "stay away from the road because it's dangerous, dont climb on that wall because if a bricks loose and you slip you'll get hurt"

She cant tell the difference if the reason is always "because I said so" as opposed to "because you'll be cold" to "because you'll get hit by a car and it'll really hurt and you wont be able to go to the park".

I agree that "sometimes you just do as you're told" but when it becomes "just always do as you're told" then you're just using your authority for the sake of it and taking advantage of someone with less power, I'd be fuming if any adult said "because I said so" to me so at what point do we start respecting people and at what point do we start making our ow decisions and how do we know when we dont have to listen to controlling parents anymore? Because it is really common that adults dont feel able to stand up to their parents on their own behalf or on behalf of their partners and children.

Totally OTT

Poor kid

I agree that "sometimes you just do as you're told"

But a small child isn’t going to know which situations are which. They don’t have that judgement yet. The other day I had to say to my 4 year old, “Stop!” And it was important. If she was used to hearing my instructions, thinking about them, deciding whether she agreed with them, then acting, she’d be dead or seriously hurt. As it is, she stopped, because I said so.

I'd be fuming if any adult said "because I said so" to me

That’s because you are an adult.

@JuanNil

OP's daughter didn't say she was too hot. She wanted to show off her dress. The amount of projection on this thread is outstanding. I am firmly in the camp of parents being allowed to make reasonable decisions for their very small children. If her daughter was saying she was too hot I don't think she would have had the same opinion. Surely most people can see that?

That's a good point.

Taking her home, not letting her go to school, was a bit OTT though.

I can see both sides but for me YABU.

For me this the perfect chance for dc to learn natural consequences she will have learnt that an undone coat means feeling cold.

I don’t see the point in turning this particular thing into a battle and it is a simple way for a child to have some autonomy and learning that saying no is acceptable.

I'm trying to educate my DD (now 5) on listening and natural consequences. She's "allowed" to slide on the wet slide at the local park and has to suck up the cold wet bottom situation until her brother is done. On a planned longer day out we'd remind her of the wet bottom and then actively prevent/remove from park because it impinges on the rest of the family.

We also point out hazards like running on slippery grass/leaves but let her experience the likely minor discomfort of going splat when she's been warned - and hopefully learn that we could in fact foresee consequences she can't.

@Olderbutnotmuchwiser

The point isn't about whether your DD would be cold without her coat being fastened, the point is that you told her to do something and she refused. You followed through with the consequence and she will learn from that and maybe next time she'll be more compliant.

Yes, because the most important thing to teach a little girl is to be compliant, not to have any bodily autonomy.

I can't think how that might go badly wrong...

Yes, because the most important thing to teach a little girl is to be compliant, not to have any bodily autonomy.

This is a really specious argument. Small children are vulnerable if they don’t do as they are told. Young women (and adult women) are vulnerable if they do exactly as they are told. Growing up - obviously - involves a transition from having to do as you are told to being independent. A good parent manages this transition. They don’t bring it forward so that a 3 year old is allowed an inappropriate level of autonomy.