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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DD home from playground because she wouldn't do her coat up

476 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 27/11/2020 13:39

DD 3.5yrs refusing to let me do her coat up as she wanted to show everyone in the playground her new dress. (Several people had commented on it on our way in).
After several times telling her that I needed to do her coat up and explaining why (because its cold) and her refusing, I said we were going home (again, explained lots of times we would go home if she wouldnt do her coat up).
DD hysterically crying all the way back to the car and back home.
Am I out of order for taking her home?

OP posts:
justconcedealready · 27/11/2020 17:21

Poor kid.

TheRubyRedshoes · 27/11/2020 17:22

Both my dc are warm children, neither liked coats and hats unless it's freezing and tbh I'm quite a warm person myself.

I don't think doing a coat up is something I would have ever put my foot down over unless in an extreme cold situation.

She also wanted to look good and her self esteem and she may have been embarrassed..

TheRubyRedshoes · 27/11/2020 17:23

Tbh I think follow through should be reserved for very serious things like road safety, hurting other dc at play groups... Stuff like that.

NiceGerbil · 27/11/2020 17:26

You sound like my mum flaviaritt.

She knew best but oh look she didn't did she.

My memories of being too fucking hot all the time and not being listened to/ believed haven't gone away and I'm nearly 50.

Do I get on with my mum? No.

So you do you and I'm sure your over riding certainty of your rightness over other people will see you though. Not letting that pass though. Because this attitude underpinned my mother's while additude towards me and I have not forgotten.

flaviaritt · 27/11/2020 17:29

NiceGerbil

My daughter has an appropriate amount of autonomy. Your mum might have been a shit parent, but I am not so 🤷🏻‍♀️

JuanNil · 27/11/2020 17:31

@TheRubyRedshoes

Both my dc are warm children, neither liked coats and hats unless it's freezing and tbh I'm quite a warm person myself.

I don't think doing a coat up is something I would have ever put my foot down over unless in an extreme cold situation.

She also wanted to look good and her self esteem and she may have been embarrassed..

So if you base your child's clothing decisions on how you are with cold/warmth, isn't it more practical for each parent to do the same? You don't feel the cold easily so you apply the same to your children. OP may get sick if she gets cold, or perhaps her daughter does. Shouldn't she make her decisions based on that? Would you pay much attention to somebody telling you that you must wrap your children up from top to toe? I'm struggling to understand the logic on this thread really. Nobody else knows OP's daughter the way she does. The amount of criticism is outstanding.

NiceGerbil · 27/11/2020 17:32

Whatever you say flaviaritt Smile

flaviaritt · 27/11/2020 17:34

NiceGerbil

I’m not, though. I wouldn’t make my daughter button her coat if she didn’t want to. But what I do say she has to do, she has to do. She’s 4. If you think that’s shit parenting, more fool you.

NiceGerbil · 27/11/2020 17:35

Juan so I run hot my husband runs cold.

When I take the kids out I never put too many layers and don't bother with a hat etc. I insist that is the correct way.

When he takes them out he swaddles them from head to toe in 82 layers....

Yes? Grin

Or.. Remember your child is a person and at 3.5 in not super cold UK when running about, if they say they don't need to do their coat up then... Say ok? Maybe?

JuanNil · 27/11/2020 17:35

@NiceGerbil I'm asking honestly, do you really have a poor relationship with your mother because she didn't give you autonomy over clothing as a toddler?

TheDowagerDuchess · 27/11/2020 17:37

One of the daftest things I’ve heard on hear. She won’t die of cold without her coat done up, and it’s good for kids to have a little bit of choice and agency.

TheDowagerDuchess · 27/11/2020 17:37

*here

TheDowagerDuchess · 27/11/2020 17:39

NiceGerbil it cant have been pleasant to be hot all the time! I’m sure there are other reasons why you don’t get on with your mum from the tone of your post.

JuanNil · 27/11/2020 17:40

"Or.. Remember your child is a person and at 3.5 in not super cold UK when running about, if they say they don't need to do their coat up then... Say ok? Maybe?"

Nobody is saying you shouldn't say okay? OP isn't telling others what they should have done. She's questioning what she chose to do. And there is nothing wrong with what she did! She's a parent and there's no manual. It's important each parent makes decisions based on what they believe is important. Would you say the same to a parent who decided their child will be raised vegan? What OP did was not wrong. It's not always a good idea to let very young children make decisions like that without stepping in. If OP's daughter gets sick, nobody on this thread can help her. It's her choice to make. Especially as when her daughter starts school, she will need to follow rules even if she doesn't want to Confused

NiceGerbil · 27/11/2020 17:43

I'm just pointing out that your plan has a massive great flaw in it.

And being too bloody hot all the bloody time and still being told I had to wear xyz layers do them all up not take them off etc, well it's not a good sign is it. How I physically felt was less important than what she viewed as correct. That's a theme that tends to run into lots of areas if it's how you do things with your kids.

NiceGerbil · 27/11/2020 17:46

My children are pretty big now and seem pretty chipper so I hope I'm doing a better job than my mum did anyway.

JuanNil · 27/11/2020 17:47

OP's daughter didn't say she was too hot. She wanted to show off her dress. The amount of projection on this thread is outstanding. I am firmly in the camp of parents being allowed to make reasonable decisions for their very small children. If her daughter was saying she was too hot I don't think she would have had the same opinion. Surely most people can see that?

BefuddledPerson · 27/11/2020 17:48

Oh we've all done it. I've only got bigger kids, but in my time I have made a fuss out of things I shouldn't have and also sometimes not followed through on a threat when I should have done! Give her an extra cuddle and start again tomorrow.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/11/2020 17:48

Why is it so important to "follow through"?! You make a ridiculous threat and now, so you dont lose ?power/authority/pride? You must now carry out the ridiculous threat rather than saying "DD I'm sorry, I shouldn't be forcing you or threatening you over something so silly. I'm just tired and stressed because you've been battling me on a lot lately and I'm finding it hard. If you dont want to fasten your coat that's fine, it really isn't important to me. Can we move on and be nicer to eachother now."
Isn't that what you'd want your mother to say to you if she was trying to argue something ridiculous about you? We tell adult daughters not to let their parents treat them as less than or act like they're in charge. At what age do we get to stop doing what our parents tell us and how do we know when that is?

Also, teaching children to do something just because an adult told them to is surely dangerous? Dont you want your children to question adults and have the confidence to refuse to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable? The amount of times I wet (and once pooed) myself at school because I didn't dare challenge the authority of the teacher refusing to let me go to the loo is horrifying.

OverTheRainbow88 · 27/11/2020 17:50

Why is it so important to "follow through"?!

Otherwise discipline goes out the window and it’s a free for all.

Also, teaching children to do something just because an adult told them to is surely dangerous?
Yes I get your logic, but a mum is usually a safe person and should be listened to

Pikachubaby · 27/11/2020 17:50

Gosh, that sort of thing happens when you’re stressed I guess (and aren’t we all Sad)

But just let her get cold

Why not?

My kids always did that, they got really cold a few times and then they got warm again

Pick your battles. You turned a happy occasion (showing off new dress) into a sad one (Anger, punishment) here , and nobody won and everyone lost

Not the end of the world though, tomorrow is another day

yorkshirepudddiing · 27/11/2020 17:51

Yabu

You spoiled what could have been a lovely day over a coat not being fastened.

I am strict but do pick my battles and that isn't one I would fight.

flaviaritt · 27/11/2020 17:55

Also, teaching children to do something just because an adult told them to is surely dangerous?

But that isn’t what anyone is saying. I am not ‘an adult’. I am the parent. It is my job to keep her safe, so no, what I tell her to won’t be dangerous. She will be well aware which adults I delegate that authority to.

JuanNil · 27/11/2020 17:55

For those people that are saying that a coat being done up isn't a big deal, please remember...

You're making a stranger feel like shit because she wanted her daughter to do up her coat. In what she perceived to be cold weather.

If it isn't that big a deal either way, then why is it so important to chastise somebody over such a minor issue?

Badgerstmary · 27/11/2020 17:57

Hi op. As parents we often know what 3 yr olds need better than they do & yes, they are often stubborn. Where I live it was only 3C today so I would have made sure she was wearing her coat zipped up. (If it was 10C that’s a bit different) It sounds good that you have an independent little girl & these skills will be very useful when she is older, but she needs to learn that she has to do what she is told or there will be consequences & that is exactly what you helped teach her today. Of course she was cross, hopefully she was learning too.