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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lodger thinks house is hers

519 replies

Amy3030 · 27/11/2020 12:15

I have a lodger who has slowly, over time, has made the house hers and I feel like the lodger now. Small changes made, which I put down to, she has to also live here as well, so I accept at the time and say nothing, but when I look at how things are now, I realise I was wrong and my house has been completely taken over in 5 months. I spend time away regularly, and changes always happen when I am not there, now, I have vertually no space in the fridge and freezer, maybe enough for 2 things if I squeeze them in. The front hallways has a massive show rack of 20 shoes. The bathroom is cawash with her products left everywhere, and when i tidy up, the next day, they are put back to where they were before. The dining room has been taken over, it is now an arts and crafts room, with units, table full of a hundred items, bottles everywhere, it is completely unuasable now and is her spare room. She does about 5 or 6 loads of washing a week, so is always 2 clothes racks full and drying all over the kitchen and front room. Now she has put expensive fan heaters in 2 rooms without asking me and I pay all ther bills, and at night, the noise from her bedroom fan heater keeps me awake, it is like a swarm of bees humming. And she takes baths twice a week, using 36 ltrs of water instead of a shower , using just 6ltrs. A few weeks ago, I noticed my bottle of champagne, which she knew about, I'd been saving for 20 years and is 25 years old and worth hundreds of pounds, it was opened and put away with a glass left. When I confronted her she said she knew nothing about it, and just hoped I would quesion myself over it, but I certainly didn't open it after saving it for 20 years. I looked in the black bags in the outside bin and I found the top cage to the champagne and the cover paper, so it was opened in the last week. And my kitchen chef knives are slowly dissapearing, have lost 2 already. When I go away for weekend to look after my sick mother, I dont want to go home. I say to people, I dont have a home anymore. I have even stayed out in the cold in the city to stop going home. I spend most of my time depressed and sometimes crying, and working out how to tell her to leave.

OP posts:
dinglethedragon · 27/11/2020 17:53

@Amy3030 she has stolen your belongings, the champagne and you say your good knives are missing?

Under these circumstances, I don't think you have to give her a month - a useful template here www.lodgerguide.co.uk/lodger-notice-template-breach/

Strangedayindeed · 27/11/2020 17:58

YANBU in the way you feel, but YABU in the way you’re not telling her that it’s your house, your rules.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 27/11/2020 18:01

YABU being so wet. Sorry OP.

Strangedayindeed · 27/11/2020 18:02

Op maybe tone down the dramatics before you give her notice.

TreadLightly3 · 27/11/2020 18:26

What @BreatheAndFocus said. Good luck OP and be strong, no matter what emotional blackmail she may throw at you! She sounds pretty ruthless.

Inthepink54 · 27/11/2020 18:41

Hi Amy is there a way we can private message about this?

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2020 18:51

@Inthepink54

Hi Amy is there a way we can private message about this?
Why do you wish to pm about it?
fastwigglylines · 27/11/2020 19:00

@Inthepink54

Hi Amy is there a way we can private message about this?
You can private message someone by clicking "message poster" next to their name.

No idea why Bluntness is being sniffy about it, it's a standard feature of Mumsnet.

LouHotel · 27/11/2020 19:07

Moving any sentimental or expensive items to your mothers whilst shes still there of you cant face getting gone quicker.

On the week shes due to be gone to you need to book a weeks holiday and stay put in your house or she'll make off with your tv and sofa!!!

GabsAlot · 27/11/2020 19:20

shes out of order you dont have to give 4 weeks and as shes untrustworthy i woldnt leave her alone in the house if you can

CherryBlossomTree7 · 27/11/2020 19:22

Fucking hell OP. She has treated you like dirt in your own home.

Well done for giving her the notice. This must be really hard for you. Whatever she says to you now about being unreasonable, just say 'sorry you feel like that but the notice still stands'. Under no circumstance back down.

She is renting a room from you and should not have her stuff in all the other rooms of the house, not to mention the other things you've mentioned like STEALING from you.

As a pp said, over these next four weeks, keep a close eye on your belongings and also the behaviour of the tenant. Her warped bitterness might mean she tries to steal from you again or ruin your things. If this happens, report her to the police straightaway.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/11/2020 19:24

@Amy3030

i am not complaining about the lodger just because of the BATHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never you said you're complaining about her just because of baths. I said you did complain about baths (and two a week, not two a day). And do me a favour, stop sending me aggressive direct messages. If you have something to say, say it here.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/11/2020 19:30

Why do you wish to pm about it?

Because she wants to say something in private?

Just a guess . . . could be completely wrong, obviously . . .

Snowdrop30 · 27/11/2020 19:32

Some of this stuff doesn't sound unreasonable - leaving shoes on a shoe rack, having baths. That's all pretty normal behaviour. If she's paying rent she's a housemate and your house is her home too. I've been a lodger before and the person who owned the house put back in my room anything I left anywhere else in the flat. That was pretty miserable and made me feel really unwelcome. But it sounds like the balance has got really out of whack the other way, and you don't seem able to talk to her about it. That said, stealing the champagne is totally over the line. It does sound like maybe you don't want any lodger? Can you afford to live without one?

BlueThistles · 27/11/2020 19:32

Good on you OP 🌺

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/11/2020 19:53

Well done you for taking back control and giving her notice. Let's hope she moves out before or it could make Christmas Day interesting.

Don't let it put you off having another lister either. Like a PP said I know someone who has mature students and a family member had foreign students tie years.

BlueThistles · 27/11/2020 19:54

Do you know anyone who can be there to help you make sure she does not take anything belonging to you 🌺

Wheresmykimchi · 27/11/2020 20:00

Some of the stuff doesn't sound that bad to be fair . The champagne does though. But OP if you want her out....change it.

ripples101 · 27/11/2020 21:21

Hi Amy

Reading the full thread and getting the full picture (unlike some who have chosen to focus on only part of your concerns while ignoring others), I’m glad that you’ve given your lodger notice, and also been more than reasonable in giving her several weeks to leave. It sounds like your lodger has gradually taken advantage over time, and while everything you’ve listed as being a problem may not have been a problem if it was just one of those things, as a collective she is clearly taking the piss. Your heading to this thread is spot on. She is regarding the place as her home with absolutely no consideration that it is actually yours.

Take care over the next few weeks. She could make it a miserable time for you. So be prepared for that, and if she does, I would suggest that you cut the notice period you have given her and tell her to leave immediately. You have not been unreasonable. She has.

CircleofWillis · 28/11/2020 06:28

@ripples101

Hi Amy

Reading the full thread and getting the full picture (unlike some who have chosen to focus on only part of your concerns while ignoring others), I’m glad that you’ve given your lodger notice, and also been more than reasonable in giving her several weeks to leave. It sounds like your lodger has gradually taken advantage over time, and while everything you’ve listed as being a problem may not have been a problem if it was just one of those things, as a collective she is clearly taking the piss. Your heading to this thread is spot on. She is regarding the place as her home with absolutely no consideration that it is actually yours.

Take care over the next few weeks. She could make it a miserable time for you. So be prepared for that, and if she does, I would suggest that you cut the notice period you have given her and tell her to leave immediately. You have not been unreasonable. She has.

Absolutely agree with this.

You don't have to give up on lodgers. There are good ones and bad ones. The good thing is you can easily end the arrangement if it doesn't suit you.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/11/2020 06:34

I voted YABU because YABU to have been so weak and let this happen. Lodgers don't need 4 weeks notice and she's taking the piss.
I've had lots of lodgers and none have ever behaved like this.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/11/2020 06:35

@Wheresmykimchi

Some of the stuff doesn't sound that bad to be fair . The champagne does though. But OP if you want her out....change it.
Which bit doesn't sound bad? Apart from taking baths. All the rest of it sounds really bad.
AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 28/11/2020 06:44

You're being a fool to yourself to give her four weeks notice. Two would have been generous

TeachesOfPeaches · 28/11/2020 07:07

4 weeks is too long OP. 1 or 2 weeks notice would be enough

Nahmfor · 28/11/2020 07:20

Evict her from your property