Christmas - AIBU

[WaggsTheDog]

Name changed as outing.

It's our turn to spend Christmas with my parents/extended family this year however, as it's DD's first Christmas, we decided that it may be nice to just have a Christmas at home as a family of 3. DD will be coming up to 1 and I'd really just like to have a relaxed day playing with her, eat whenever dinner is ready, walk the dogs and just not be accountable to anyone.

3/4 Christmas's DH and I have spent together have been with his parents, who have a totally different idea of Christmas to me. It's very much, "dinner is served at 12pm on the dot" then we do X then we do Y followed by Z. It's exhausting. DH has two siblings who refuse to spend Christmas with them for this exact reason. Last year I hosted them, being 38 weeks pregnant, and I ended up in tears because it was just too much. I'm obviously desperate to avoid the same situation. After a shit year I'm really keen to just enjoy the day and play with DD.

We planned to visit my family before Christmas however they have been placed in a Tier 3 area which is tipped to be a new hotspot (we are in Tier 1) so the realistic prospect of seeing my family before Christmas is low. I last saw them in August.

DH has now suggested this morning that as his siblings haven't offered to have ILs, we should invite them. I have said I'm happy to spend Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with them but the actual day itself I really want to spend as a 3. I suggested that perhaps they could drop by for a drink and a mince pie. I really don't want to host, be slaving away and to just watch them playing with all the toys I've bought for DD. I also want to ensure the day is led by DD and not by arbitrary times set by ILs. I'm also really conscious how my family will feel - I've essentially turned down Christmas with them (which they were upset about, being DDs 1st, but understood) to then potentially host ILs.

DH and I have had a huge argument about it. He understand my POV but is upset that his parents will be spending Christmas alone. My thought is that we've done more than enough Christmas's with them, we were supposed to be going to stay with my family anyway, and it's time for his siblings to step in as it's their turn.

YABU - You're being a Grinch. Invite them over.

YABNU - Stick to your guns and don't invite them.

YANBU

Yanbu but you can go to see your family still or they can come to you in the Christmas covid amnesty

If you're hosting then you don't do Christmas the way they want, you do it how you want- you're the host

YANBU at all. Just because you aren't visiting your family, that is no reason to host his parents. I wouldn't even allow a mince pie on Christmas Day. It is your day to enjoy too. It is not his responsibility to host just because his siblings haven't stepped up.

If you had gone to your family, what would they have done then?

The alternative is allow them to come but so Christmas day on your terms and yout timings.

I think you are being very fair - last Christmas was our DD’s first and we spent it the three of us and it was so nice and chilled.

I would stick to your guns if I were you - ultimately if you take it in turns it wasn’t their year anyway so you make the call.

It’s not your responsibility to make your in laws have a nice Christmas, your obligation is to your DD and what you think is best for her and yourself/DH. Unfortunately since becoming a parent I’ve realised you simply can’t please everyone.

And to be honest Christmas with your in laws sounds like a drag!

Just say no. If they end up coming anyway, tell DH that you will literally not be lifting a finger towards anything other than looking after and playing with DD, including shopping, and that you will be having your Christmas Day on Boxing Day with just your own household the way you want it

@Shoxfordian

Yanbu but you can go to see your family still or they can come to you in the Christmas covid amnesty

If you're hosting then you don't do Christmas the way they want, you do it how you want- you're the host

My family live in a different Tier and because of the distance, we'd have to go for a minimum of 2 nights. We wouldn't be visiting between 24th and 27th so that wouldn't be allowed.

Glad the consensus so far is that I'm not BU. You'd have thought, given that I was about to pop last year, they'd have let up on their Christmas rules but they didn't. It was a disaster.

YANBU

I put my foot down with DD's first Xmas - saw PIL a day or so before and I think we saw mine on Boxing Day.

I wouldn't be happy having spent 3 out of 4 Xmas with PIL and certainly wouldn't have agreed to host at 38 weeks pregnant.

I'm heavily pregnant with twins this year - I've said absolutely no travelling - I'm staying home and that's it. Also no overnight visitors - it's too exhausting having siblings and nieces/nephews to stay. We invited my parents but they drive and PIL don't so can come for a few hours and then go home.

Ah ok
You followed their Christmas rules last year though, don't do it again

I think if they insisted on their timetable last year a) in your home and b) with you 38 weeks pregnant, that's ample evidence that they can't come for the whole day this year. It's unthinkable to me that they'd insist on following their exacting program in your sodding home. I think you must stand your ground.
And they're not alone, are they? They have each other. Tell your husband to pull himself together.

Yanbu.

Maybe they will realise their rigidness is making people not want to spend Christmas with them.

Yanbu! And your DH is to blame for this sitch as he has enabled their shit for so long.
Stick to your guns and let him be a sulky twat. He's being objectionable so you back down.
Totally agree with you, they aren't little for long.

Yanbu! 100% stick to your guns, put your foot down and enjoy a nice chilled out Christmas just the three of you!

Can you go down the middle? Host them but do it to your own timeframes etc? And make that clear beforehand. If they want a rigid Christmas they can have one, just not in your house.

You need to be firm about your house your rules, as your going to have this problem every year. We make it clear in November that everyone is invited (obviously slightly different this year) but it’s Christmas done our way- no timescales and way too much booze and food!

It shouldn’t be your responsibility to host his parents every year his siblings will either have to step up or his parents will have to spend it together at home by themselves and be grateful that they have each other. It’s not a big deal!

YANBU his parents have each other and other children it’s not your responsibility! If it was one of them on their own and no siblings I could understand but he is unreasonable.

I you husband wants them around so much he can do all the cooking and hosting duties while you relax and enjoy time with DD!

YANBU

They are not alone as there are two of them.

Perfect year for a nice quiet relaxed family Christmas

My point is that if we aren't going to spend Christmas as a 3 as originally planned, it would be fair to go to my family, as a. It's their turn and b. I haven't seen them since August. My parents have only ever met DD 3 times. My aunt (who I'm really close to) just twice. My cousins have never met her.

ILs live 10 mins away and as MIL is disabled, either DH or I pop in a few times a week to drop off shopping, help with bits around the house, make her food etc whilst FIL is at work. I always have DD with me, DH will sometimes, so even throughout lockdown, MIL has seen DD.

Twatiness aside, if we were going to spend Christmas with anyone, it should be my family.

As @PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe said, you'd have thought that last year, very heavily pregnant and in our house, they'd do Christmas on our terms but it was a disaster and I ended up in tears.

YANBU, Don't host them, you'll be too stressed and won't get to enjoy time with your daughter. It's 1 year, they'll be fine on their own for once

YADNBU!

What was your husband doing last Christmas when his heavily pregnant wife was slaving away?

YANBU

My DDs first Christmas we hosted and I hated it. Didn't get to spend anytime with DD as I was slaving away. If you're not spending it with your family instead there isn't really an argument of unfairness IMO.

God isn't Christmas political at the best of time let alone with tiers and limits on who you can see 😂 do what is best for you and your child's first Christmas 😊

People who come for Christmas Day and impose their timetable on a heavily pregnant woman are not nice.

YARBU and your husband knows it he just doesn't want to admit to himself how unpleasant his parents are.

Stay strong, otherwise your children will have to put up with years of rubbish Christmas Days.