Christmas - AIBU

[WaggsTheDog]

Name changed as outing.

It's our turn to spend Christmas with my parents/extended family this year however, as it's DD's first Christmas, we decided that it may be nice to just have a Christmas at home as a family of 3. DD will be coming up to 1 and I'd really just like to have a relaxed day playing with her, eat whenever dinner is ready, walk the dogs and just not be accountable to anyone.

3/4 Christmas's DH and I have spent together have been with his parents, who have a totally different idea of Christmas to me. It's very much, "dinner is served at 12pm on the dot" then we do X then we do Y followed by Z. It's exhausting. DH has two siblings who refuse to spend Christmas with them for this exact reason. Last year I hosted them, being 38 weeks pregnant, and I ended up in tears because it was just too much. I'm obviously desperate to avoid the same situation. After a shit year I'm really keen to just enjoy the day and play with DD.

We planned to visit my family before Christmas however they have been placed in a Tier 3 area which is tipped to be a new hotspot (we are in Tier 1) so the realistic prospect of seeing my family before Christmas is low. I last saw them in August.

DH has now suggested this morning that as his siblings haven't offered to have ILs, we should invite them. I have said I'm happy to spend Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with them but the actual day itself I really want to spend as a 3. I suggested that perhaps they could drop by for a drink and a mince pie. I really don't want to host, be slaving away and to just watch them playing with all the toys I've bought for DD. I also want to ensure the day is led by DD and not by arbitrary times set by ILs. I'm also really conscious how my family will feel - I've essentially turned down Christmas with them (which they were upset about, being DDs 1st, but understood) to then potentially host ILs.

DH and I have had a huge argument about it. He understand my POV but is upset that his parents will be spending Christmas alone. My thought is that we've done more than enough Christmas's with them, we were supposed to be going to stay with my family anyway, and it's time for his siblings to step in as it's their turn.

YABU - You're being a Grinch. Invite them over.

YABNU - Stick to your guns and don't invite them.

My husband and I, in our 70s, spend Christmas just the two of us, by choice. We love it. Your in laws will survive, I'm sure!
In fact, I'd go further if I was you, which is what I did in my first marriage. We lived in a small village, with my in-laws up the road, and great grandparents and uncles aunts and cousins all around us. My own family were 100 miles away. My first baby was born November 23rd the year we were married. We were expected to follow the family tradition of everyone going to the parents on Christmas day, and I wasn't looking forward to rushing around not relaxed in order to get out of the house on time, and I thought that if we did, it would become a tradition that would ruin Christmas for us, just as it had for my husband when he was a child. He said he hated all the nagging to get dressed up, get his shoes and coat just so he could go and be bored at his nan's house while the adults all had a drink, when all he wanted to do was get home and play with his new toys.
We just told his parents we wanted to start our own traditions , and that we'd be staying home . Christmas day was lovely, then Boxing day we went to the in-laws for the day and evening, arriving about 11am. It became a tradition the whole family loved. As each brother and sister got married and left home, they too had Christmas in their own homes, and our Boxing day became bigger every year. As for my parents, we got together with them for the weekend about a week or ten days before, when Saturday became Christmas Eve and Sunday was Christmas day, with presents and a big roast.

Don't let them 'pop in' they'll stay for ages and lay on a guilt trip about having to leave!

Why is it such a big deal to have ONE Christmas day to yourselves?? PIL have eachother, they will survive. And it's worth remembering that if they were more pleasant, people might actually want to spend time with them!

I've told DH that we're going away for Christmas next year and skipping the whole thing. Just me, DH and our DC, I can't wait!

YANBU and you do not sound like a bitch. I cannot believe people would behave so rudely as guests. Who would be moaning about the timing when a first time heavily pregnant woman is cooking?

I am glad you are still sticking to your guns but I think you should prepare yourself for a barrage of emotional blackmail. I think they need bullet point reminders of how they behaved last year. Remind them you have spent 3/4 Christmases with them and this year you would have been at your parents had it not been for Covid. Something like this.

1. You refused to even try the canapes

1. You complained constantly about

the timing of the meal, despite it being arranged

1. Complained the beef was too rare

1. Complained it was too late to play

games because of the dinner timing

Say you found last Christmas very stressful and you want a relaxed Christmas this year without the pressure of hosting or being a guest.

If they start getting huffy and offended. Pull out the big guns and forward their daughters text your DH.

Good luck OP

You're not being unreasonable at all op.

@81Byerley

My husband and I, in our 70s, spend Christmas just the two of us, by choice. We love it. Your in laws will survive, I'm sure! In fact, I'd go further if I was you, which is what I did in my first marriage. We lived in a small village, with my in-laws up the road, and great grandparents and uncles aunts and cousins all around us. My own family were 100 miles away. My first baby was born November 23rd the year we were married. We were expected to follow the family tradition of everyone going to the parents on Christmas day, and I wasn't looking forward to rushing around not relaxed in order to get out of the house on time, and I thought that if we did, it would become a tradition that would ruin Christmas for us, just as it had for my husband when he was a child. He said he hated all the nagging to get dressed up, get his shoes and coat just so he could go and be bored at his nan's house while the adults all had a drink, when all he wanted to do was get home and play with his new toys. We just told his parents we wanted to start our own traditions , and that we'd be staying home . Christmas day was lovely, then Boxing day we went to the in-laws for the day and evening, arriving about 11am. It became a tradition the whole family loved. As each brother and sister got married and left home, they too had Christmas in their own homes, and our Boxing day became bigger every year. As for my parents, we got together with them for the weekend about a week or ten days before, when Saturday became Christmas Eve and Sunday was Christmas day, with presents and a big roast.

I love this. Good for you.

When I was a child we all had lunch in our own houses and then all the family, grandparents and aunts and uncles came to our house for tea, sandwiches, sausage rolls, cake etc. This worked really well we all got to play with our toys in the morning, lunch was just for 4 and we saw all our family, who were all lovely and liked to play cards for pennies most of the evening.
My Christmas this year will be me, DH, and our 2 student children which will be nice but I miss my childhood Christmases.

As you've just quoted, the key is your OWN traditions. You can't continue to go to parents or in-laws all the time when you are adults with your own family. It's boring for the children, but very practical and becomes a chore.
Do what YOU want and the in-laws will have to get used to some quieter Christmases, at least they do things exactly as they please!

I totally feel your dilemma and support your point of view. We always alternate and I've always fantasised about a Christmas just the three of us. However I know that one side would be offended so we have never done it.

Given that you hosted them last year, it's a siblings turn to host their parents/in laws. If they don't feel guilty, why should you? Could you offer to drop in on them for a glass of wine whilst on your dog walk? That way you can leave when you want.

But stand your ground. YANBU

@inappropriateraspberry

As you've just quoted, the key is your OWN traditions. You can't continue to go to parents or in-laws all the time when you are adults with your own family. It's boring for the children, but very practical and becomes a chore. Do what YOU want and the in-laws will have to get used to some quieter Christmases, at least they do things exactly as they please!

You're completely right, however, Christmas with my DPs and family is always great fun and raucous. There have been 3 babies born in the past 12 months and my DPs live on a big farm with ponies etc. Over lockdown, my DSD restored my childhood treehouse to its former glory - I'm sure DD would have the best time there for Christmas... and it would be so unfair to have Christmas with my family, without then having Christmas with ILs. It's a really tough balance.

Also helps that my family aren't dicks!

I don't think your DH is as supportive of you as you think he is. When you ended up crying because of his parents did he chuck them out?

Frankly, in your shoes I'd say that we were going to be the 3 of us at home as you want and the ILs can whistle. Maybe a Christmas where they don't get to dictate to anyone and reap the rewards of that (none of their kids want them around) might concentrate their minds a bit

but is upset that his parents will be spending Christmas alone

But they aren’t lone are they? I really hope when my kids leave home they won’t think like this, ams invite us out of pity.

I hope we’ll share Christmas Eve and have a party that GC can run off their excitement.

SIL selfish? No she has a back bone and is allowed to stand her ground and say no.

I'd be sticking to my guns if I were you.

And I'd be telling DH that anyone that wants to come (after this Christmas), is welcome, but Christmas Day at ours is served on our terms and our timetable, and moaners, complainers and manipulators will not be welcome or invited back - but will be hauled up on their bad manners. And he's ever so welcome to pass that on to his delightful Dad.

Smile and do as you like! Invite them for an evening at some point and then disappear after the meal to put the baby to bed leaving DH to entertain or afternoon tea and have dinner plans for the same day. Good luck.

YANBU please stay home and enjoy the time as a family.

YANBU. They sound rather uptight judging by:

It's very much, "dinner is served at 12pm on the dot" then we do X then we do Y followed by Z.

YANBU. Just put your foot down.

They are not alone though. They have each other. What a stupid argument from him. Just tell him your parents are coming. Then on the day say they are not.

YADNBU put your foot down op. This year, more than any other year, put it down.

Your husband is trapped by guilt. I'm in a similar boat (but I do cook for times that suit me and tube complaints out).
You'll do him a favour by changing things up a bit - he will see it can be done.

His parents will not be alone - they have each other.

Have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Tune not tube!!

YANBU. Also when his parents come round why the hell are you slaving and him doing nothing!