Christmas - AIBU

[WaggsTheDog]

Name changed as outing.

It's our turn to spend Christmas with my parents/extended family this year however, as it's DD's first Christmas, we decided that it may be nice to just have a Christmas at home as a family of 3. DD will be coming up to 1 and I'd really just like to have a relaxed day playing with her, eat whenever dinner is ready, walk the dogs and just not be accountable to anyone.

3/4 Christmas's DH and I have spent together have been with his parents, who have a totally different idea of Christmas to me. It's very much, "dinner is served at 12pm on the dot" then we do X then we do Y followed by Z. It's exhausting. DH has two siblings who refuse to spend Christmas with them for this exact reason. Last year I hosted them, being 38 weeks pregnant, and I ended up in tears because it was just too much. I'm obviously desperate to avoid the same situation. After a shit year I'm really keen to just enjoy the day and play with DD.

We planned to visit my family before Christmas however they have been placed in a Tier 3 area which is tipped to be a new hotspot (we are in Tier 1) so the realistic prospect of seeing my family before Christmas is low. I last saw them in August.

DH has now suggested this morning that as his siblings haven't offered to have ILs, we should invite them. I have said I'm happy to spend Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with them but the actual day itself I really want to spend as a 3. I suggested that perhaps they could drop by for a drink and a mince pie. I really don't want to host, be slaving away and to just watch them playing with all the toys I've bought for DD. I also want to ensure the day is led by DD and not by arbitrary times set by ILs. I'm also really conscious how my family will feel - I've essentially turned down Christmas with them (which they were upset about, being DDs 1st, but understood) to then potentially host ILs.

DH and I have had a huge argument about it. He understand my POV but is upset that his parents will be spending Christmas alone. My thought is that we've done more than enough Christmas's with them, we were supposed to be going to stay with my family anyway, and it's time for his siblings to step in as it's their turn.

YABU - You're being a Grinch. Invite them over.

YABNU - Stick to your guns and don't invite them.

Tell everyone you are going to Morocco and go if you can. And say that is your default Xmas plan for the foreseeable future. Don't answer phone or door from 23/12/20 - 1/1/21.

YNBU. But if you do end up seeing them to keep the peace make sure it's Xmas YOUR way, not theirs.
I understand the pressure - my parents are like this and we go to theirs every year because DH doesn't have any surviving close relatives and our flat is too small - but i'm determines that when we move and I finally host it will be more relaxed

I'd be quite blunt with DH and say "the reason your parents have not been invited to spend Christmas with anyone is that they are rude, obnoxious guests who spoil the day for everyone else" and continue refusing to invite them.

But then I would have been blunt with them when they were being arseholes last year. I am blunt with people about things like that.

As annoying as it might be to spend the day with ILs who are a bit Xmas militant - your DH wants to see them. They will be alone otherwise.

I lost a parent last year, I do however have some lovely memories of our prior Xmas. I can’t imagine how angry I’d have been if my partner had said I couldn’t invite them. I think you need to look at the bigger picture, it’s not just about what you want. It’s also about what your DH, child and wider family want too.

As a compromise why not arrange to go over there on the afternoon for a few hours, after dinner?

I do understand the want to have the day to yourself but under the circumstances of this year, has it not made you realise how precarious life is? That you should try as much as possible to include the people you and your partner love? There is a happy medium here I think

Dh was working last year and I bravely decided I wasn't going to the ILs . They all thought I was odd wanting to spend the day alone with DD but it was wonderful
We got up late, had a very chilled breakfast then went to do the horses, came back and had Chinese takeaway for lunch that I picked up on Xmas eve. We played monopoly, Rummikub and trivial pursuit all afternoon. When DH came home he took DD to see the ILs, I had a snooze before my night shift. My parents were doing a charity lunch so on my way to work I stopped in with them for a sandwich and a cuppa.

It was the definition of my perfect Christmas Day.

Yes, stay home as a threesome, all these family problems surrounding Christmas are very tiresome.

There is always one in't there, @2020iscancelled

The fact you have a dead relative does not excuse PIL's behaviour, nor does it mean OP has to forgive and forget their nasty behaviour last year. Why does she have to give an inch to people who treated her so badly when she was pregnant?

Stick to your guns. What is it with husbands and in laws thinking they get priority for Christmas lately. I feel like I've read 10 of these threads in the last month .

I agree with @PrincessBurgerPants. Sorry but they are not nice people to be so damn rude in your house, on Christmas Day, whilst you was about to have a baby. If they can be that unkind then then they have no boundaries. And just because someone has lost a relative, it maybe their last or their on their own or other people don't get it because theirs are lovely or worse put up with shit like this, it DOESN'T mean you have to!! The other siblings have obviously managed to wangle out of this somehow, so now is your chance. You have been doing a lot for them, they have seen a lot of little one, not much time on your own as a family, her 1st Christmas, been working hard throughout, take your damn pick but don't cave in because DH as another said has FOG. He needs to quickly read up and get a grip before your child whole childhood of occasions is ruined by them emotionally blackmailing him. If you don't want to go see your family this year that is also your choice but that doesn't mean you HAVE to have the IL's round either. Shut the curtains and blot the doors. Has he had a bang to the head and seriously forgotten how miserable it was last year? And if after all of this he still wants to invite then you know you and your DD are not his first priority. His Mother being happy is. I have learnt over the years that just because you are blood related to someone doesn't mean they can have no boundaries and do and say as they please, although the damn well think they are entitled to. They can behave better with friends because they can't pull crazy shit. May times you will find it you wasn't related you wouldn't really want to know them at all

Tell him to go to his parents if he's that bothered. He can cook for them there

Get yourself some nice throw in the oven nibbles and stay home playing with DD

YANBU

Dh needs to get a grip. They aren’t “alone” they have each other? Maybe they want secretly want peace as well 😅 if he wants them he can do all the hosting/cooking

Purple Mustang is right, OP. Please go with your wish for a lovely relaxed day. Your DH has probably never had a Christmas like that and will love it. Whatever you do, do not invite them over for a mince pie on Christmas Day. Not only will it break up the day for you, but they will not leave. They clearly have no consideration for you or for boundaries.

id send your husband off to his parents tbh and you and your daughter stay home

he sounds like a right prick not doing the cooking last year when you were so heavily pregnant

i cant stand al this pressure / who's turn it is each year

my husband and I are staying on our own this year - i'll be 35 weeks pregnant - don't feel up to travelling

and we are discussing next year already - keen to not get stuck in a never ending loop of alternating who's house we go to! sometimes I want our own day in our own house!

YANBU

What your “D” H was doing last year when you were heavilypregnant and slaving in the kitchen?

Your PIL’s are rude, pushy and obnoxious.

If you by any chance ever end up hosting them for whatever occasion and they complain about food I’d call them on it straight away.

OP,stay at home with DD this year. It’s absolutely fantastic to have Christmas at your pace, get up when you want,eat and drink whatever/whenever you want and cater only for your and DC needs wearing PJ’s.

Let DH go to his parents if he’s so concerned about them.They owe it to themselves that nobody enjoys spending their time with them

She may have 100 Christmas's but this one will always be special. It would break my heart to be busy in the kitchen and have to hear them playing with her

YANBU. OP, please don't be forced to give up your special time with your DD. I was you. Frantically busy in the kitchen whilst in laws gave my DC all the special presents I'd bought, because they couldn't wait and I never got to see DC open them. Don't do it.

As for the "this might be the last Christmas for X, Y or Z" scenario. That excuse was used on me for decades and there's always a new candidate.

The fact is that none of us know when we will draw our last breath and that is why it is important to make your own decisions about how you live your life. Its only one day like any other. You can see them on another day during the festive season.

They had the chance to spend time with their little ones when they were little. This is your time. Good Luck

it's time for his siblings to step in as it's their turn.

This.

Stick to your guns. Covid is the perfect reason why.

Stick to your guns, believe me it'll only get worse. Since I've been with dh we've had 18 Christmas together ( this year), and 17 have been spent with my parents , ( just mum since 2014).
My dd is 24, my ds is 18, and we've never had a relaxing Xmas day, which I would kill for. Since 2004 I've hosted every year bar 1, and I hate it.
We have to eat Xmas dinner at 1pm cos mum won't go home in the dark 🙄 so it's rush rush rush and did I say I hate it?
Make a point now to always do relaxed easy xmasses or you'll end up like me!

@Mairyhinge

Stick to your guns, believe me it'll only get worse. Since I've been with dh we've had 18 Christmas together ( this year), and 17 have been spent with my parents , ( just mum since 2014). My dd is 24, my ds is 18, and we've never had a relaxing Xmas day, which I would kill for. Since 2004 I've hosted every year bar 1, and I hate it. We have to eat Xmas dinner at 1pm cos mum won't go home in the dark 🙄 so it's rush rush rush and did I say I hate it? Make a point now to always do relaxed easy xmasses or you'll end up like me!

Sorry 28 Christmas together not 18, ( makes it even worse 😫)

Stick to your guns
I agreed to the MiL's rules and NEVER had a Christmas for my family in my home.
Only after Ps and PiLs have gone and Dcs are scattered over the earth am I have time in my own home.
Set your own rules, make you own traditions, enjoy your family when you can.

Perhaps I am over egging it. I appreciate that DD is not going to have a clue what is going on and first Christmas/birthday etc celebrations are more for the adults than the DC but it's something I'm really looking forward to and regardless of knowing it's Christmas or not, DD will love a day playing with Mummy, Daddy and new toys.

I'm 100% sticking to my guns on this one. I told DH to text his siblings and ask if they'll have them. SIL replied, "no fucking way."

Your dh siblings sound like mine.
I have this every year with my separated parents.
I always have one, sometimes both.

Your dh shouldn’t have asked siblings, he should have told them that you’re not doing Xmas for il’s two years running.
Sil is selfish.

I like the sound of your SIL. I don't think she sounds selfish at all, who wants to spend Christmas Day with a racist.