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AIBU?

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Original poster

Christmas - AIBU

121 replies

WaggsTheDog · 27/11/2020 08:56

Name changed as outing.

It's our turn to spend Christmas with my parents/extended family this year however, as it's DD's first Christmas, we decided that it may be nice to just have a Christmas at home as a family of 3. DD will be coming up to 1 and I'd really just like to have a relaxed day playing with her, eat whenever dinner is ready, walk the dogs and just not be accountable to anyone.

3/4 Christmas's DH and I have spent together have been with his parents, who have a totally different idea of Christmas to me. It's very much, "dinner is served at 12pm on the dot" then we do X then we do Y followed by Z. It's exhausting. DH has two siblings who refuse to spend Christmas with them for this exact reason. Last year I hosted them, being 38 weeks pregnant, and I ended up in tears because it was just too much. I'm obviously desperate to avoid the same situation. After a shit year I'm really keen to just enjoy the day and play with DD.

We planned to visit my family before Christmas however they have been placed in a Tier 3 area which is tipped to be a new hotspot (we are in Tier 1) so the realistic prospect of seeing my family before Christmas is low. I last saw them in August.

DH has now suggested this morning that as his siblings haven't offered to have ILs, we should invite them. I have said I'm happy to spend Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with them but the actual day itself I really want to spend as a 3. I suggested that perhaps they could drop by for a drink and a mince pie. I really don't want to host, be slaving away and to just watch them playing with all the toys I've bought for DD. I also want to ensure the day is led by DD and not by arbitrary times set by ILs. I'm also really conscious how my family will feel - I've essentially turned down Christmas with them (which they were upset about, being DDs 1st, but understood) to then potentially host ILs.

DH and I have had a huge argument about it. He understand my POV but is upset that his parents will be spending Christmas alone. My thought is that we've done more than enough Christmas's with them, we were supposed to be going to stay with my family anyway, and it's time for his siblings to step in as it's their turn.

YABU - You're being a Grinch. Invite them over.

YABNU - Stick to your guns and don't invite them.

OP posts:
KatherineOfGaunt · 27/11/2020 09:47

Definitely tell your DH that if they come, he is responsible for all the shopping, food etc. and you will be doing what you want when you want to.

It sounds fair that if you can't see your parents, and you saw your PIL last year, that you see neither this year. I suppose its no good telling him that his parents have two other children they can go to and that it's not fair on your parents. Remind him how tough it was for you last year, standing and slaving at 38 weeks pregnant.

Stand firm. It sounds like your DH isn't supporting you at all.

Original poster
WaggsTheDog · 27/11/2020 09:49

@TheresNothingIWantMore

I you husband wants them around so much he can do all the cooking and hosting duties while you relax and enjoy time with DD!
This is what he has suggested and I'm sure the intent is there, but he's an awful cook 😂 and we'd still have to do Christmas on their terms. Last year, as an example, I served lunch for 3pm and they got up from the table to watch the Queen's speech. FIL refused the canapés because the smoked salmon was from Tesco and he only likes Sainsbury's smoked salmon. The beef was too rare (it wasn't, it was perfect Wink). Constant comments on "we're wasting away here" because lunch wasn't at 12pm, despite that being agreed before. There was too much crab in the prawn and crab starter. It was too late to play monopoly after lunch because I served it too late. Honestly. I can't go through that again, especially not when I was so looking forward to a relaxed PJ day with DD.
OP posts:
Original poster
WaggsTheDog · 27/11/2020 09:50

@Hobbes8

What was your husband doing last Christmas when his heavily pregnant wife was slaving away?
He was helping too! I was certainly not waiting on them hand and foot.
OP posts:
ToffeeAppleCaramel · 27/11/2020 09:56

I already thought ywnbu, but given that summary of last year you’d be unreasonable to host them ever again. They are too rude for words.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 27/11/2020 10:04

Yadnbu your Christmas plans sound wonderful

Miltonj · 27/11/2020 10:09

The rules which came out yesterday state that if you have a child under one, you can form a bubble with another household including over night stays at any time regardless of tiers. So there is nothing to stop you spending the day with your side of the family.

However if you want it to be the three of you, you should go ahead and do it!

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 27/11/2020 10:14

Oh god no, they sound a nightmare. Tell your dh you have done the last few years with them, it’s his siblings turn. Your Dd deserves a lovely relaxed day just playing with Mummy and Daddy, it’s not fair on her to have a very stressed crying Mummy because her grandparents won’t eat food from Tesco. It’s someone else’s turn to host them.

aSofaNearYou · 27/11/2020 10:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable but YABU to even consider doing things by their schedule in your own home, last year or any other. I would not agree to host them again in general, I would only go to their's in future and DH would be the one doing all the heavy lifting if you did have to host. It's a disgrace that he let you do the heavy lifting last year at 38 weeks pregnant.

GreenLeafTurnip · 27/11/2020 10:23

I think if you did everything last year for his parents while you were heavily pregnant, if he wants to invite them, then it's up to him to host not you.

Original poster
WaggsTheDog · 27/11/2020 10:33

@GreenLeafTurnip

I think if you did everything last year for his parents while you were heavily pregnant, if he wants to invite them, then it's up to him to host not you.
My point is that I don't want them. Even if DH did all the hosting, if they weren't rude, it wouldn't be a PJ day. It wouldn't be relaxed. I'd be on edge. I'd have to let them have their time with DD.

Also, it would break my family's heart that I'd have essentially chosen ILs over them, when ILs see DD at least weekly and have done all her life.

If ILs were there, would I spend much of the day on the floor in my PJs, watching films and snuggling my DD all day? No.

I think the compromise of having them pop over for a drink and mince pie is completely fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaggsTheDog · 27/11/2020 10:36

Reading that back I sound like a complete bitch Blush I'm not, I swear!

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 27/11/2020 10:47

His parents he can host if he’s that desperate to see them and make sure they won’t be alone (which they won’t be as there’s two of them). Personally I’d stick to my guns and have the day without them

LadyCatStark · 27/11/2020 10:52

You don’t sound like a bitch in any way. You are completely right to not want them there Covid or no Covid and 1 year old or no 1 year old! I can’t believe they had the gall to complain about the food in your own home!

Bibidy · 27/11/2020 10:54

I would still see your family in this scenario OP - if you want to be at home could they come to you instead?

Just thinking forward as well, you will have to be with your in-laws next year again so I would definitely take this opportunity to spend the day with your own family.

Bibidy · 27/11/2020 10:56

I think the compromise of having them pop over for a drink and mince pie is completely fair.

Tbh I can see why he feels a bit uncomfortable with that, considering they are just round the corner and sounds like they would be alone.

The only way I can see to soften that blow is to invite them/invite yourself to theirs on Boxing Day.

But again, I'd still be going to/seeing my own family this year as the opportunity is there and it's their turn.

aSofaNearYou · 27/11/2020 11:02

Just thinking forward as well, you will have to be with your in-laws next year again

I think I would automatically be explaining that we'd be with my family next year, as we did christmas alone this year. I wouldn't "count" that as having been my parents year, in laws would just have to wait three years instead of two (especially given how they act at Christmas but also just on principle).

Also if OP has spent 3/4 Christmas' with them, surely that means they have already had multiple years in a row?

KatherineSiena · 27/11/2020 11:04

I would actually revert back to visiting your parents or hosting them. Your ILs sound very rigid and rude and your DH is too accommodating to their wants.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/11/2020 11:05

YANBU has had plenty of christmases with his parents and he has siblings who could host them.

Palavah · 27/11/2020 11:09

they sound very rude, but I also think you sound too concerned about what they think.

What does your husband think of their behaviour last year? Does he think that was acceptable? It sounds as though he was enabling it tbh.

TheStripes · 27/11/2020 11:10

YANBU. Tell your DH the options are Christmas a family of three or your family celebrating with you. His family are not an option this year.

Bibidy · 27/11/2020 11:11

@aSofaNearYou

Just thinking forward as well, you will have to be with your in-laws next year again

I think I would automatically be explaining that we'd be with my family next year, as we did christmas alone this year. I wouldn't "count" that as having been my parents year, in laws would just have to wait three years instead of two (especially given how they act at Christmas but also just on principle).

Also if OP has spent 3/4 Christmas' with them, surely that means they have already had multiple years in a row?

I feel like that wouldn't really be fair though when it sounds like it's OP's preference (rather than her DH's) to spend Christmas alone this year. If my DP decided to forgo his turn for us to have Christmas with his family because he wanted to, I wouldn't expect him to then say that he expects to spend the following year with them instead when that should be my family's turn.

In this scenario I would definitely, 100% still see my family. If not, I would have in-laws over (only since they're alone and just round the corner) and shift the schedule a little...maybe serve dinner at 1.30 or 2 so it's more in the middle of what everyone wants? And then do the PJ day with OH and DD on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day.

ItsJustASimpleLine · 27/11/2020 11:13

Go and see your family and make time for ILs on another time.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/11/2020 11:13

Yanbu.

Janaih · 27/11/2020 11:20

Time your dh stood up to his rude parents. Down with this sort of thing.

Original poster
WaggsTheDog · 27/11/2020 11:21

@Bibidy unfortunately my parents aren't able to travel to us as they have a business at home that they can't leave. I did shift Christmas lunch/general timetable last year and tried to do Christmas on our terms but it was disastrous.

I have said I'd either like to stay at home as 3 or go to my parents. DH was originally totally onboard with staying at a 3. It's only as the date has loomed closer and it's clear his siblings have no desire to invite ILs that he's feeling bad. I'm more than happy to spend Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with them, it's just Christmas Day that I'm keen to spend as a 3.

@Palavah I genuinely couldn't care less what ILs think. It's been a miserable year, Christmas last year was a write off, it's DDs 1st Christmas and I want to spend it playing with her, not with them.

OP posts:
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