Christmas - AIBU

[WaggsTheDog]

Name changed as outing.

It's our turn to spend Christmas with my parents/extended family this year however, as it's DD's first Christmas, we decided that it may be nice to just have a Christmas at home as a family of 3. DD will be coming up to 1 and I'd really just like to have a relaxed day playing with her, eat whenever dinner is ready, walk the dogs and just not be accountable to anyone.

3/4 Christmas's DH and I have spent together have been with his parents, who have a totally different idea of Christmas to me. It's very much, "dinner is served at 12pm on the dot" then we do X then we do Y followed by Z. It's exhausting. DH has two siblings who refuse to spend Christmas with them for this exact reason. Last year I hosted them, being 38 weeks pregnant, and I ended up in tears because it was just too much. I'm obviously desperate to avoid the same situation. After a shit year I'm really keen to just enjoy the day and play with DD.

We planned to visit my family before Christmas however they have been placed in a Tier 3 area which is tipped to be a new hotspot (we are in Tier 1) so the realistic prospect of seeing my family before Christmas is low. I last saw them in August.

DH has now suggested this morning that as his siblings haven't offered to have ILs, we should invite them. I have said I'm happy to spend Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with them but the actual day itself I really want to spend as a 3. I suggested that perhaps they could drop by for a drink and a mince pie. I really don't want to host, be slaving away and to just watch them playing with all the toys I've bought for DD. I also want to ensure the day is led by DD and not by arbitrary times set by ILs. I'm also really conscious how my family will feel - I've essentially turned down Christmas with them (which they were upset about, being DDs 1st, but understood) to then potentially host ILs.

DH and I have had a huge argument about it. He understand my POV but is upset that his parents will be spending Christmas alone. My thought is that we've done more than enough Christmas's with them, we were supposed to be going to stay with my family anyway, and it's time for his siblings to step in as it's their turn.

YABU - You're being a Grinch. Invite them over.

YABNU - Stick to your guns and don't invite them.

I would say yabu, invite them over BUT your house, your timetable! My parents know I do stuff differently, my mum might be a little frustrated it's not her way but quickly learned to go with the flow. It's worth stipulating a rough timetable at the time of invite eg we will be eating dinner around 5 this year to accommodate dd.

Just to make it clear, my preference, which DH agreed to, was spending Christmas Day as a 3. Just us. No rules. Just playing, walking the dogs, PJs, Christmas films and lunch at some point but probably closer to tea time to suit DD. Just a super relaxed day. This was agreed back in the summer.

As my family are in a Tier 3 area (as opposed to us in a Tier 1), I am slightly concerned about going there for Christmas, amnesty or not, because it will be a nightmare isolating with a toddler, both of us trying to work (self employed) and it could make things tough financially. We also bubble with ILs and MIL is ECV.

Under no circumstances invite them for a mince pie. They will not leave, and your DH won’t force them given his lackluster attitude to your feelings and preferences. Never host these people again, do not get into patterns - now you’ve got a baby, family of your own, traditions you set etc. is the narrative.

Your DH is quite welcome to move back to the suffocating grasp of his parents. Serious words need to be had about prioritizing his wife.

Read up on FOG... I suspect that’s what your DH is feeling. It’s really difficult to escape the clutches of it but so liberating once you do! Look up holistic phycologist and Mel Robins... their advice has helped us make the changes as a family that mean we can focus on enjoying our lives without too much angst!
Have a fabulous first Christmas as a family of 3.

I promise DH is not psychologically damaged and he was supportive last year at Christmas when they were being twats.
I don't doubt that for a minute, if they did come for a mince pie, DH would have no problem kicking them out if they did outstay their welcome.
DH just feels really guilty because his siblings won't have them. I totally understand his POV and I'd probably feel the same in his position. If it was just us, I'd probably relent but this is DDs first Christmas. She may have 100 Christmas's but this one will always be special. It would break my heart to be busy in the kitchen and have to hear them playing with her.

I think that them dropping in for a mince pie and a drink sounds a lovely idea personally. Stick to your guns OP x

Honestly I will never understand how families become so demanding/unreasonable over Christmas (them not you OP,)

Neither my parents or my ex ILs would have dreamt of being that demanding over who’s turn it is to see who and who wants to get upset over it. And even when I have hosted, both my mum and MIL have always offered to help in the kitchen etc, even though I haven’t needed them too.

And judging by their behaviour last year, I would never be hosting again over Christmas, and I would tell them that as DD is now here it’s only fair that she spend Christmas at home in future so she can play with her toys, so you’ll be going round there in the morning from now on and no longer be staying.

Honestly seeing family doesn’t have to involve upending your life and traditions and way of doing things to do so. It’s possible to see them just for a coffee/to open presents without having to make an entire day of it.

Oh and, they’re not alone, they have each other. And if their other kids don’t want to know either perhaps they need to start asking themselves why.

YANBU. Is there no way you can spend the day as 3 and then perhaps have people round late afternoon/early evening? That way you wouldn't have to feed everyone (bar perhaps a few snacks later on) and you'll have the stress of dinner out of the way etc, so you can just relax and have fun :).

I definitely think you should stick to your guns. Essentially, it’s a case of you having a miserable Christmas because it’s not the day you wanted, and them having a miserable Christmas because you aren’t working to their time table. If you both stay in your respective homes, you can both have a lovely day, exactly how you like it.

YANBU definitely. Can you just say to PIL - "We want to do Christmas differently this year as it is baby's first Xmas - just be quietly at home on the day. itself" Optional extra if you like - "It will be lovely to see you on Boxing Day if you are free".
It will be essential to get DH on board with this, otherwise Christmas forever will be on his family's terms. If he won't agree, I would be inclined to take it into my own hands and contact PILs with above message. If they don't accept it, just don't discuss. Stick to your guns. Their idea of Christmas Day sounds awful.

It will look terrible from your parents' perspective if you do this. And that's aside from the fact that you have the right to indulge your own preferences once in a while. The first year with a new baby is exhausting enough at the best of times, which 2020 definitely isn't.

Another vote for YANBU. Your DH, I think, is.

@Bibidy I can see what you're saying but I don't personally subscribe to a rigid concept of whose "turn" it is. Me and my partner just loosely alternate and if for whatever reason we couldn't see the family we were due to see, we would still see them the next year as it would still have been longer since we had seen them on Christmas, than the other side. Nobody has a strict expectation of it being year on year off. I'm guessing this must apply to OPs situation, as since they have seen his family on 3/4 Christmas', there is already an imbalance to redress that would make it reasonable to skip two years with them.

There's also the more personal matter of how they acted last year - I would be steering away from any opportunity to host people who were this demanding of me at 38 weeks pregnant as I think that's very rude, and I'd have made that very clear to my husband.

But even setting that element of it aside, I still think it's quite reasonable to miss Christmas with them next year as well!

@TheresNothingIWantMore

I you husband wants them around so much he can do all the cooking and hosting duties while you relax and enjoy time with DD!

Yes this!!

Your in-laws sound like a bloody nightmare! Complaining about the smoked salmon? I can't believe you didn't throttle them 🤣🤣

I think your husband needs to speak to his siblings and ask one of them to step up, you did your time last year 😂

I'm sorry that you won't see your parents, that's so rubbish and I really feel for you.

My only concern would be; if you want to see your parents next year for Christmas, will your in-laws go nuts because technically it will be "their turn"? If so; maybe it's worth sucking it up this year and hosting them? Invite them over half an hour before you're due to serve lunch so you don't have to listen to them sitting around moaning 😉

Just stick to your guns, remind dh of how bad last year was in detail. Describe what is going to happen this year so he can appreciate the difference. You’ve already told pils what’s happening ... don’t stir the hornets nest. There is more than one child and if pil don’t understand that their rigidity is causing issues that’s their problem. The other siblings obviously don’t feel guilty! If you do have them round for mince pies, I’d suggest the evening, after you’ve had a lovely day and can handle them...

I think you have to emphasise to your husband a) how much this means to you and b) that he is essentially trying to make his parents happy and in doing so making you, his wife, unhappy.

What you are saying makes so much sense to us as readers, I really hope you can get him to see what a mistake he is trying to make.

STand your ground.

REmind him about how awful it was last year. AGain and again!!

I’m the pils’ generation and their behaviour sounds appalling to me. Smoked salmon is smoked salmon and fil could easily have had his beef from the ends of the joint that are always done more. As for the bloody Queen’s speech, it’s available online - oh, the joys of the 21st century!

I do think you’re over egging your baby’s first Christmas though. It will mean nothing to her, Christmas only becomes exciting when they have some grasp of what’s happening.

If it were me I’d invite them for Christmas dinner to be served at 3pm. That way you get most of day to yourselves and your husband doesn’t need to feel guilty. As you may be able to tell, our marriage has survived through compromise - things tend to get ugly when heels are dug in!

Did they see you upset last year or did you hide away for a cry?

There's no way I'd want them round after that behaviour last year. They don't sound like pleasant company and besides, you've already agreed how you'll spend the day. Stick to your plans and say you'd love to see them on Boxing Day.

YANBU at all. We've started spending christmas day at home, just me, my partner and the kids. People can visit or we visit them on other days.

The problem with saying yes they can come but DH will be doing it all, is that there is no guarantee that will actually happen on the day. He might not step up and you could be lumbered or face even more criticism

After that performance last year they'd be lucky to be invited for a cup of tea. You're a much more tolerant woman than me

YANBU No way, also when you hosted last year, why were you slaving away? Wasn't your DH doing the bulk of the work considering they're his family and you were 38 weeks pregnant?

Your husband is in the FOG. YANBU, stick to your guns

I don't get this. Regardless of what our fucking government says about Xmas bubbles, it is not magically safe to spend five specific days in a room with another household.
IMO no one should be mixing household this Xmas (I do recognise though that there are people with terminally ill family etc who will, justifiably, do so). Other than that, I think the only 'excuse' you need is 'it's a pandemic, we're not having anyone in the house who doesn't live here.'

YANBU
It's the ideal excuse/reason to stay home on your own this year. First Xmas and COVID combined mean I wouldn't question anyone who didn't want to stay home.
I'd firm it up to not seeing anyone - from either side of the family. Then no one can complain of different treatment.