To ask if you would be involved with someone...

[Chasingpavementss]

Who's the opposite to you with how they've lived in a good/bad way.


I'm getting extremely close to a man in his mid forties. We chatted for four hours last night and he told me story after story about his life. I was sharing my life with him too. But he has had a much badder life than me and it kinda makes me feel like surely I'm not the right women for him.

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account.

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it. He was a bad boy in his younger years. He told me how his dad shipped him off to another country for five years to calm him down. Then he had children and a wife. That lasted ten years.

He struggled massively with the loss of his mum and last year it all came to a blow. He ended up in hospital after trying to kill himself. He was drinking and a mess. He was in trouble with the police when he was younger too. But for 20 years he's stayed out of trouble

he's recovered and not drank anything in ,8 months. I will add this is due to chronic pain and now the hospital have got it under contorl. he Got the help he needed and he's back working full time. He's doing really well. He said I've come into his life at the right time. To be honest he has mine too. I feel really close to him.

But our lives couldn't be any different. I've never even smoked a joint. I've never been a rebel. I know that's absolutely acceptable. But I feel abit like why would he want someone so calm and sensible in his life?

I can't shake off the feeling that I'm too boring for him. But when I say it he tells me to behave and that I'm the first women in years he's felt close too.

I hope this doesn't read pathetic and stuff. It's hard to write it all down.

But would you be involved with someone who's dabbled in the badder stuff in the past?

[romeolovedjulliet]

i think as she goes on op is trying to make it sound that he's a really nice guy and a potentially decent person, esp.as pp have pointed out so many potential problems. a nice girl falls for the bad boy scenario, she'll save him from himself and have the happy ever after.

[Whyareblokesonhere]

It's not outing.

I'm an addict, In recovery. 20 years of addiction and three of having stopped.

Yes I have changed, I still class myself as an addict and am only one step away from. Big problems.

I have remained married though, its still rocky at times but the Only reason we still have a chance is because my other half is stronger willed than me and has no interest in saving me. I've not had a single congratulations on the recovery.

I am treating them better now than I did when active and that is how they 'judge' me.

from what I've read/ you've written it does sound like he might be a great partner - for someone.

Either he is playing you, maybe even subconsciously, so you accept failings as part and parcel of a relationship with him or he is 100% genuine, in which case he needs someone that will not engage or tolerate any boundary streching.

You sound lovely OP, maybe too lovely and caring for this man.

As an addict I would be very cautious about being in a relationship with someone with similar mental traits and vulnerabilities as me.

I hope that makes sense, just trying to draw the comparisons.

Best wishes whatever you decide. you really do sound like a lovely person and the world could do with a whole heap more of them.

[Groovinpeanut]

Hmmm truthfully? Based on what you've said about him? Not a chance!
I don't mean that in a harsh and unkind way but you seem very taken in by all this tugging at your heartstrings narrative.
He seems very keen to tell you about this terrible hand he's been dealt in life, there's no slow build up. He's also going to be paying very close attention as to your responses, you come over as incredibly naive and I genuinely don't mean that unkindly. You are just the kind of women manipulation works on. His turnaround sounds to scripted, he's got his script all worked out.
Do yourself a huge favour and swerve this one.
You'll be saving yourself a whole lot of heartache and upset.

[LITHIUMcomeasUare]

YOu are not boring. Don't put yourself down.

He wouldn't be exciting to people who see through it all.

[Chickychickydodah]

The fact he is telling you these things about his past is red flag for me. I wouldn’t be getting involved with him.

[Rainbowqueeen]

You sound like you have a rescuer complex and he is playing into that with the whole you’ve come into my life at just the right time.

I would not get involved with this guy. He needs time to figure out what triggers him and how to deal with it. He needs to get into a stable living arrangement - living at a mates house for 6 months does not count He needs to focus on being the best dad he can after missing so many years and he needs to focus on maintaining his sobriety

I have met someone I was fascinated by - also very different to me and a bit of a tragic life. Nothing ever happened because I realised a relationship between us would never work and I didn’t need that level of drama in my life. I’m still aware of him through mutual friends. He hasn’t changed - still lurching from crisis to crisis and still with a bit of a victim mentality.

[SewingBeeAddict]

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account
Followed by

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it.

He has anger issues, his ex protected their DC from him and a drink/ substance abuse problem -8 months doesnt mean its not an issue, it takes years of therapy and self reflection to overcome the issues that cause addiction.
What stands out is
He said I've come into his life at the right time
You want a relationship not a project.

You say you are boring
Do you really think violence, addiction and constant drama is exciting?
Protect your children, yourself and run away fast !

[Lolapusht]

Hell no. You don’t have to get involved with this. He only became an alcoholic 8 months ago due to his back injury (as a side point, he didn’t think to go to the doctor for treatment? Is he one of these infuriating bones who will not go to the doctor and then complain endlessly that they’re unwell/in pain?!) but he’s now had treatment and is no longer an alcoholic, or was he just drinking too much? He’s been through a lot of really traumatic things for only being mid-40s. Married for 10 years, sent abroad “to calm down” (I can guarantee that didn’t do anything to help him! What was he doing while he was away? Undergoing extensive therapy to help him repair himself?), been in prison, done “bad” things in his youth? The bunting is out! I think you should be asking why you want to get involved with someone who is probably going to hurt you. You won’t have a “normal” relationship, you’re going to be a support system, therapist, house keeper (what happens when his friend comes back? His back plays up again and he can’t work?). Where have you got the idea you’re boring him? If he wants a bad fork, he can go find one. If he wants a good girl (like you) then he will not find you boring as you’ll be exactly what he’s looking for. Either he’s making you think you’re boring and making you do the Pick Me Dance or you can’t accept that he’d find you attractive. Either is a bad start to a relationship. You cannot save him, he has to do that.

[liveitwell]

It sounds like you've not really had the chance to get to know eachother 'properly'. It's one thing to speak on the phone or WhatsApp etc but it's another the spend time with each other and understand body language etc.

I'm a bit concerned that after 'being in the same place as him 4 times' he's talking about a future with you. Why's he rushing it when he barely knows you?

Tread carefully. Although from your posts I suspect this will end in tears unfortunately.

[flaviaritt]

It’s not outing at all. There are thousands of such men.

I’m going to be even more blunt. In (what?) 40 years of life, all you can say that is genuinely good about his man is based on what he feels. Nothing he has achieved. There is no evidence (to my mind) that he has ever achieved stability, responsibility or maturity.

[Lolapusht]

@SewingBeeAddict

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account
Followed by

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it.

He has anger issues, his ex protected their DC from him and a drink/ substance abuse problem -8 months doesnt mean its not an issue, it takes years of therapy and self reflection to overcome the issues that cause addiction.
What stands out is
He said I've come into his life at the right time
You want a relationship not a project.

You say you are boring
Do you really think violence, addiction and constant drama is exciting?
Protect your children, yourself and run away fast !

I missed the bit about the OP having children! He’s taken it into account?! How? What he’s doing to accommodate the fact you have children? Op, have you taken into account that you have children?

[Brighterthansunflowers]

I would be very suspicious that he’s giving you a sugar coated version of things

But ultimately I couldn’t be with anyone who abandoned their kids. Every deadbeat dad out there will spin a yarn about how their ex stopped them from seeing their kids. The vast majority of the time it’s either bullshit or the ex had bloody good reason (violence, neglect etc) to stop him seeing them.

[Ragwort]

You sound so naive OP, think about your children, is this really someone you want around them, however 'nice and caring' he is .... sounds like he's targeting you, many men target single mothers, even to the extent where he's got you thinking he is so much more 'exciting' than you . Why is he talking about a future with you when you have only met (briefly) four times ?! And who really spends four hours chatting to someone ... unless you're a teenager... surely you've got better things to do with your time, he must be loving the attention. Are you quite a bit younger than him?

Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee.

[notacooldad]

You’ve put so much info on here about this guy, it’s very outing
These men are two a penny.
Even to the point of renting a mates house and working in construction!

[Sequoiadendrongiganteum]

No, I'd not get involved. He has a complicated past involving violence, mental health issues and addiction. He is currently going through a good phase, or he is spinning a good line.

You are not boring, or too boring, you are just a more functional adult and that is a good thing! I wouldn't want to take on his problems, when I had dcs to think of. People rarely change, and those with problems such as his often relapse.

[WhereamI88]

Red flags all over the place. You are way too involved given you've met him a couple of times.

Most importantly, a relationship should be something positive, bring some joy in your life. Not have you in twists because you think you're too boring for a clearly angry, unstable man with too many issues to unpick.

[flaviaritt]

Even to the point of renting a mates house and working in construction!

Yes! Like this is the line.

Why can’t he rent a normal house?

[Ragwort]

He's grooming you, telling you 'you are the first woman he's felt close to in years' when you've barely met ... this is ridiculous OP, your self respect must be very low to fall for that line.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

FFS woman, you have children so you’re not allowed to make these sort of big mistakes.

These issues are not in his “past” when they happened within the last year. There’s a good chance the new leaf won’t last a full year and you’ll be left to pick up the pieces.

Also you need to see a therapist about your framing of this as “interesting.” You seem to see addiction, child abandoning and attempted suicide as an actual positive traite in a relationship? If only you’d done the same and then you wouldn’t be “boring”...

[Hayeahnobut]

Are you new to MN OP? Because this thread is exactly the same as every other new relationship thread. People are obsessed with looking for red flags. Do what you think is best, take your time and don't be afraid to step back when you need to. But take anything you read her with a pinch of salt.

[Intothesheepfold]

Op you say you have only been with him alone a few times and you see him at work.

Why then is he talking "about the future with me". You say "He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account."

You barely know this man and yet he is "taking your children in to account???".

Can you recognise objectively how dodgy this sounds?

It's, far too soon for him to be have any say at all about your DC. Why are you not allowing this sort of talk? You don't know him well enough and he's only been sober for six months.

I think what the pp said about keeping an eye on his living situation and when his six-month stay with a friend is coming to an end, is very sensible advice. He may be buttering you up so you take him in.

[confusedx3]

OP how old are your children?

I'm sorry, you are clearly in the honeymoon lovey phase and sound like a nice person, but this is not a person I would want around my kids. Why are you prepared to put yourself into this situation?

I have seen people like this and their partners. My best friend is in a relationship with someone who drinks and smokes weed. He is an arsehole frankly, and she has become a different person. Meek, downtrodden and accepting of it, like this is her lot in life. She was young when she met him and 'loves' him. And every time he fucks up AGAIN she tells me he has been sober for x amount of months, he is joining the gym for his anger issues, he has stopped smoking, he's saving up for them to get a nice big house, bla bla bla - it never happens. You have a chance here, it's early enough days to revaluate what you actually want in a person and a relationship. Don't become my best friend - it's not exciting, it's not fun, it's not romantic and you are certainly not boring.

Or the short version, run for the hills. You can't save him.

[SewingBeeAddict]

@Hayeahnobut

Are you new to MN OP? Because this thread is exactly the same as every other new relationship thread. People are obsessed with looking for red flags. Do what you think is best, take your time and don't be afraid to step back when you need to. But take anything you read her with a pinch of salt.

We arent " looking for red flags"

They could probably be seen from space with this man.

[confusedx3]

@Hayeahnobut no having to look for the red flags here, they are jumping off the page

[Intothesheepfold]

Sorry should have pressed preview.

Why are you allowing this sort of talk, is what I meant. And it's far too soon for him to be putting forward any sort of position or opinion about your DC when he's barely six month sober. Cheeky sod!