To ask if you would be involved with someone...

[Chasingpavementss]

Who's the opposite to you with how they've lived in a good/bad way.


I'm getting extremely close to a man in his mid forties. We chatted for four hours last night and he told me story after story about his life. I was sharing my life with him too. But he has had a much badder life than me and it kinda makes me feel like surely I'm not the right women for him.

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account.

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it. He was a bad boy in his younger years. He told me how his dad shipped him off to another country for five years to calm him down. Then he had children and a wife. That lasted ten years.

He struggled massively with the loss of his mum and last year it all came to a blow. He ended up in hospital after trying to kill himself. He was drinking and a mess. He was in trouble with the police when he was younger too. But for 20 years he's stayed out of trouble

he's recovered and not drank anything in ,8 months. I will add this is due to chronic pain and now the hospital have got it under contorl. he Got the help he needed and he's back working full time. He's doing really well. He said I've come into his life at the right time. To be honest he has mine too. I feel really close to him.

But our lives couldn't be any different. I've never even smoked a joint. I've never been a rebel. I know that's absolutely acceptable. But I feel abit like why would he want someone so calm and sensible in his life?

I can't shake off the feeling that I'm too boring for him. But when I say it he tells me to behave and that I'm the first women in years he's felt close too.

I hope this doesn't read pathetic and stuff. It's hard to write it all down.

But would you be involved with someone who's dabbled in the badder stuff in the past?

[StirUp]

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it

OP, I'm sorry but this reads like a particularly bad line from a teenage novel.

There are lots of men out there to whom you would be attracted, and who wouldn't come with all this drama and baggage.

There's nothing "exciting" about being an recovering alcoholic who has attempted suicide and whose ex wife "used the children as weapons" (I'm guessing there's more to that than meets the eye). Any more than there's anything "boring" about having a normal, quiet life - especially not when you've got children.

I'd also dearly love to know how he managed to get his chronic pain under control, as that's more than I've managed since the first lockdown in March.

[Intothesheepfold]

@Hayeahnobut

Are you new to MN OP? Because this thread is exactly the same as every other new relationship thread. People are obsessed with looking for red flags. Do what you think is best, take your time and don't be afraid to step back when you need to. But take anything you read her with a pinch of salt.

The OP had asked for opinions! And she is sensible to look for red flags as she could be potentially introducing this man to her DC.

[flaviaritt]

There are enough red flags here to march into Beijing, aren’t there?

[SewingBeeAddict]

@StirUp

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it

OP, I'm sorry but this reads like a particularly bad line from a teenage novel.

There are lots of men out there to whom you would be attracted, and who wouldn't come with all this drama and baggage.

There's nothing "exciting" about being an recovering alcoholic who has attempted suicide and whose ex wife "used the children as weapons" (I'm guessing there's more to that than meets the eye). Any more than there's anything "boring" about having a normal, quiet life - especially not when you've got children.

I'd also dearly love to know how he managed to get his chronic pain under control, as that's more than I've managed since the first lockdown in March.

Totally agree
The hook is that the OP will be sucked in by the flattery bullshit
" you changed me"
"Im a better man because of you"
" you came into my life at just the right time"

He can tell you anything he wants.
No one tells people they are a nightmare, do they? 😂

[S00LA]

@flaviaritt

Even to the point of renting a mates house and working in construction!

Yes! Like this is the line.

Why can’t he rent a normal house?

He can’t rent a normal house because then he could stay there unless he was evicted. And evictions are slow and difficult / almost impossible right now.

So he has to stay in a mate’s house because then he will have to leave when the mate returns from his 6 month holiday (in the middle of a pandemic) .

Then this man will be homeless and if he has to sleep on the street he will become an addict again and it will be all the Ops fault so she will need put him up. After all, she doesn't want to be the one who jeopardises his recovery.

And no, sadly he can’t stay with his amazingly close and loving adult children because reasons. Maybe it’s because his ex hates him so much she won’t let them. And he doesn’t want to come between the kids and their mum because he’s such a great guy.

But it will just be temporary until he finds a place to rent. Although that will turn out to be hard because he has the dog. He can’t give up on the dog because it saved his life when he was about to kill himself. Maybe the dog is a rescue dog and he can relate to that because the Op rescued him , with her love and understanding.

Perhaps he can’t rent somewhere because he doesn’t have references. Maybe the mate who rented to him will refuse to give him one. Or his boss at work will hate him ( probably because he’s such a great worker and he’s jealous of him ) and refuse him a reference too.

Or he won’t be able to save up the deposit ( from his well paid probably cash in hand job in construction ).

Then he will lose his job ( maybe he will get injured at work or the temp job will end ). And he will have problems getting benefits because he lives with the Op as his partner, so she will need to support him financially too.

Just short term of course, until he gets on his feet. And maybe lend him some cash to help out his kids - he feels so bad letting them down after the terrible way their mum treated the , keeping him away for all these years.

But it will be worth it all, because he’s charming and has so much potential. And they really connect deep down. He understands her in a way that no one else has ever done.

And he will feel really bad about it, because he’s never done anything like this before.

[flaviaritt]

S00LA

It’s sad, isn’t it? But it’s the inevitable progression of this situation.

[Badwill]

I would give this one a wide berth personally. Particularly if you feel it will develop into a full blown relationship and he will be in your DCs life (how old are your DC?)

Nothing to do with you being too "boring" for him - that's daft - it's just too messy. He has too many issues and I can't see it ending well. Eight months sober would be enough for me to get rid. I have family members with alcohol issues and it's not a road I'd choose to walk. Not being in his children's lives is another red flag. Perhaps their mum really did stop him from seeing them but I'm guessing from the way you've described him that she would have had good reason. Plus these men always say it's the "crazy ex's" fault - it rarely is and usually boils down to the fact they didn't bother their arse being a decent father because they're selfish, lazy pricks.

I think you'd be a mug personally OP.

[notanothertakeaway]

Some people do make mistakes in their youth and then change their lives as they grow older

And it's absolutely true that some people refuse contact with children out of badness

But I'd be v concerned that this guy still has issues. Mid 40's, sofa surfing in his friend's house? Drinking to excess last year, only stopped earlier this year. Doesn't sound like he's really got his life together

Sometimes, when we really want to be in a relationship, we try to ignore / play down red flags. Don't be that person

[Badwill]

Oh yes and everything S00LA wrote!

You're obviously not a naive idiot because you're asking the question. You know deep down something's amiss. Trust that instinct and don't be tempted to "save" this guy.

[babyguffingtonstrikesagain]

I would be worried that there would be an expectation for me to 'fix' someone who had been through that much. That would be a lot of pressure on a relationship.

[notanothertakeaway]

@S00LA nailed it at 10.11

[Beekeeper1]

Three words 'Et festina lente'

As the Romans would say: "make haste slowly" - act with prudence, caution and circumspection. It sounds like a minefield or unexploded bomb about to go off.

Good luck - I think you will need it

[LuaDipa]

Whenever I read on here that a man has said that his ex won’t let them see the kids or that the mother is using the kids as a weapon, I think of my own df and dh. They would not have let anyone stop them seeing their dc, and nothing my dm or I could say or do would ever turn their dc against them. That is because they are good men and good fathers. You only have to read the horror stories on here to understand just how difficult it is to stop even abusive fathers from seeing their dc to realise that if he wanted to be there he would have been. He is spinning you a yarn.

[confusedx3]

@S00LA

Bang on.

[flaviaritt]

Well, we all know what ‘using the kids as a weapon’ often means. It means the man didn’t pay maintenance and the mum objected. I would bet my last rolo that this bloke didn’t.

[HeeHawSeeSaw]

The not drinking for just 8 months would worry me, and for someone of that age to have only stopped drinking for just 8 months is a big no-no for me. If you are thinking to yourself "surely I am not the right woman for him" , then you are probably right , trust your instincts. Always. Don't fall for sweet words. Think with your head and not your heart .

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

So... He's got a good heart... Presumably as he's told you...

Like all the men who are ex DP/Hs of peoppe on here... Who cheat /lie /dobt pay child support and don't adequately parent theur kids....
. I'd run a mile

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

PS the drinking /bad boy image.... Nah... It just means he can return to this at any point.

[HeeHawSeeSaw]

Also, the staying at a friend's house is a no-no for me for someone in their mid forties. He should be able to rent his own place at the very least. He sounds like a rudderless ship.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

He’s captivated you but it’s a terrible idea.

Mess, chaos, bad behaviour, violence, addiction. It’s nothing to do with you being mismatched - it’s just a self-destructive fantasy to hitch yourself to this erratic man.

But maybe you’re looking for some adrenalin fuelled drama?

It’s a really bad idea OP.

[PaperTowels]

If someone has done the work for/on themselves then yes, I think they can turn things around.

If he's not relying on you for stability, but is providing his own, then I would give him some of my time.

[PaperTowels]

@flaviaritt

Well, we all know what ‘using the kids as a weapon’ often means. It means the man didn’t pay maintenance and the mum objected. I would bet my last rolo that this bloke didn’t.

I know three men, very well, whose ex-wives did use their children as weapons.

All now have a good relationship with their children, who have taken their own choice to see their father.

[longwayoff]

I swear these bloody chancers buy their 'my sad life' stories for a fiver a dozen off the net. You are being set up to provide sex, board and lodging when his current 6 months is up. DO NOT be the next sucker on his very long list.

[flaviaritt]

I know three men, very well, whose ex-wives did use their children as weapons.

Sure. Were they also sofa-surfing drinkers with a history of violent behaviour? I’m not denying it happens. But this?

[FastMovingLuxuryGoods]

OP, you could be describing my XH.

He got sober for 8 months as well. Over and over and over again.

Can't get over the irony that you should describe yourself as too boring for a man like that. Nothing about my time with XH was interesting or exciting. It was mostly fucking awful, exhausting, demoralising, stressful. And when it wasn't that, you know what it was? It was BORING.

Addicts are boring. People who can't get their lives together are boring. Grown men who are still sofa-surfing are boring. Men who whine about their ex-wives using the kids as a weapon are boring. The endless, repetitive, narcissistic, 'I've had a tough life that's why I'm like this' bullshit outlined so brilliantly by S00LA above gets really, really fucking BORING after a while, and then you have to leave anyway before you become a little dry, shrivelled husk of yourself.

Cut out the middle man OP. Leave him now, save yourself the bother of leaving him later. He is not the good news you're hoping for.