To ask if you would be involved with someone...

[Chasingpavementss]

Who's the opposite to you with how they've lived in a good/bad way.


I'm getting extremely close to a man in his mid forties. We chatted for four hours last night and he told me story after story about his life. I was sharing my life with him too. But he has had a much badder life than me and it kinda makes me feel like surely I'm not the right women for him.

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account.

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it. He was a bad boy in his younger years. He told me how his dad shipped him off to another country for five years to calm him down. Then he had children and a wife. That lasted ten years.

He struggled massively with the loss of his mum and last year it all came to a blow. He ended up in hospital after trying to kill himself. He was drinking and a mess. He was in trouble with the police when he was younger too. But for 20 years he's stayed out of trouble

he's recovered and not drank anything in ,8 months. I will add this is due to chronic pain and now the hospital have got it under contorl. he Got the help he needed and he's back working full time. He's doing really well. He said I've come into his life at the right time. To be honest he has mine too. I feel really close to him.

But our lives couldn't be any different. I've never even smoked a joint. I've never been a rebel. I know that's absolutely acceptable. But I feel abit like why would he want someone so calm and sensible in his life?

I can't shake off the feeling that I'm too boring for him. But when I say it he tells me to behave and that I'm the first women in years he's felt close too.

I hope this doesn't read pathetic and stuff. It's hard to write it all down.

But would you be involved with someone who's dabbled in the badder stuff in the past?

[VetiverAndLavender]

I wouldn't be worrying about whether I was boring for him. I'd be worried that he might be too troubled for me, or that he'd bring trouble and heartache into my life.

No, I don't think I'd ever want to be involved with someone who had a history of violence, alcohol- or drug-dependence, infidelity, crime, or what-have-you.

I believe it's possible for people to turn their lives around, but I also believe that it's difficult to do and leaves emotional and psychological scars that may never completely heal. Unless you know someone very well for a decent length of time, you can't even be sure that they've truly changed, and even if they do change, there's always a chance they'll revert.

I'm just not willing to put myself through that. Life's tricky enough with a life-partner who is stable and doesn't have all that baggage!

[eeek88]

When I read your first post my initial reaction was to be open-minded and give him a chance (but very cautiously).

Then I thought about it a bit more and realised the following:

1. At one point in my life I would have fallen quickly in lust with him - I know this because I did.
   
2. The outcomes of that open-mindedness included a severe hit to my mental health and self-esteem, a severe hit to my finances, an unwanted pregnancy which I had the sense to terminate, and delayed the development of a social circle of my own at a time when I needed it. But I was lucky because I managed to somehow get a career off the ground despite all this - a career that he came very close to destroying - and despite his best efforts he did not do any longterm damage to my relationship with my family.
   
3. I wouldn't do it again.
   
4. The alure is still there. I have several male friends who I am very fond of, who have a lot in common with this man. I wouldn't sleep with them or dream of having a romantic relationship with them, and nor would I go into business with them. I enjoy the stories from a safe distance (and take them with a pinch of salt). When they're being idiots or relapsing, I point it out, and they appreciate my honesty but generally ignore my advice.
   
5. People who have truly committed to leaving behind a part of their history that they are not proud of DO NOT tell people they've only met a handful of times all about it. They usually don't want to talk about it at all, because they're ashamed, and it frightened them, and they have genuinely moved on in their lives.
   
6. If they're over 35 they're entrenched so forget any serious prospect of new leaves etc. The best you can hope for is a short period of stability before the physical and mental effects of their wild youths catch up with them.

[Calimog]

Sounds like he’s given you one of the oldest scripts in the book, and you’ve fallen for it.
Psycho ex’s and children used as weapons? men like this all say the same thing.
For your own sake request a Clare’s Law if your determined to carry on with this.

[S00LA]

Such an honest and self reflective post from @eeek88

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

I got involved with a man like this once. Criminal history, had tried all the drugs, exceptionally mentally unstable, supported his adult kids with money but no emotional support, incapable of normal connections and relationships. I was sixteen when we met, he was a lot older and I was completely taken in by the “bad boy trying to be good” narrative. I wasted a good decade of my life trying to “save” him. Now, at 31, married to a lovely “boring” man, I wouldn’t give this person the time of day. Run.

[Itsseweasy]

Not a chance.
You will try to save him and see only the positives in him.
He will be telling you what you want to hear right now - look at the evidence instead.
It’s very easy to say all the right things at the start of a relationship!
Been there, done that. Please please don’t get involved, it doesn’t end well.

[eeek88]

@S00LA

Such an honest and self reflective post from *@eeek88*

Thanks. I forgot one more bit. Spent the next 10 years having periodic moments of intense panic that he might have given me AIDS (these moments would pop up without warning whenever I was worrying about anything else, and just added to the fun...). This was slightly irrational, because he lives in such squalor and neglects himself so thoroughly that if he was HIV positive he would surely have died years ago. Finally got tested and was reassured (and surprised) to learn that I did not have AIDS.

There were positives too:
1) hilarious as long as I'm OK with being the butt of the joke; particularly hilarious if I meet somebody who did a similar thing and we can compare notes on who sunk the lowest
2) I will never judge somebody for making stupid choices in their youth, and this has led to some wonderful friendships
3) learned some useful skills, not by watching the master at work and learning from his success, but by watching him fuck up and realising that I could do a better job
4) wonderful creative material: him, me, the situations I found myself in, the people I met. My novel is almost finished...

[Lollipity]

I'd avoid. He sounds just like my ex. Full of sob stories that reeled me in. Of course it was the ex's fault that he didn't see or pay for his previous child.

Had 2 children with him, split up with him, predominantly due to bullying and aggressive behaviour on his part, and spending each night at the pub. He carried on harassing me - threatened to kill me, physical abuse, stalking, repeated hammering on door and screaming phone calls until I left for another town.

Contact slowly ebbed away. No maintenance as he worked cash in hand (save for 4 months when the CSA just took money straight from his account).

I found a well-paid job abroad. It cost £10k to get a court order to allow me to leave with the kids as he refused to give consent. He didn't bother turning up at the final hearing.

Now I'm the bitch ex that has ruined his life, apparently.

I'd never get involved with a man like that again.

Don't be me.

[coldspaghettio]

His life sounds like a fucking mess op.

[MRex]

@flaviaritt
people are capable of developing very plausible narratives about their violent or dysfunctional parts.
This was early on, but worth rereading.
He already has you thinking that somehow you aren't good enough for this wreck of a man. He's a recent alcoholic with a pile of grievances against the world dating back decades, only talking responsibility for the attempted suicide (good for sympathy) and conspicuously not taking responsibility for falling his children, fighting etc. He will bring you great harm if you get involved, walk away.

[MRex]

@eeek88 People who have truly committed to leaving behind a part of their history that they are not proud of DO NOT tell people they've only met a handful of times all about it. They usually don't want to talk about it at all, because they're ashamed, and it frightened them, and they have genuinely moved on in their lives.
This was another comment that's very important to read.

[BonnieDundee]

But what if he just needs to be loved and happy and working again. What if that's exactly what he needs.

Your first care is to yourself (and DC if you have) not to rescue him

When you say he was sent abrosd when younger, are you sure it was abroad? Could it have been prison? Given the sort of life he was living at that time it could be a possibility.

[GwendolineMarysLaces]

You haven't even kissed and he's talking about a future with you (and your kids?).

Just no. Even without all the other drama.