To ask if you would be involved with someone...

[Chasingpavementss]

Who's the opposite to you with how they've lived in a good/bad way.


I'm getting extremely close to a man in his mid forties. We chatted for four hours last night and he told me story after story about his life. I was sharing my life with him too. But he has had a much badder life than me and it kinda makes me feel like surely I'm not the right women for him.

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account.

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it. He was a bad boy in his younger years. He told me how his dad shipped him off to another country for five years to calm him down. Then he had children and a wife. That lasted ten years.

He struggled massively with the loss of his mum and last year it all came to a blow. He ended up in hospital after trying to kill himself. He was drinking and a mess. He was in trouble with the police when he was younger too. But for 20 years he's stayed out of trouble

he's recovered and not drank anything in ,8 months. I will add this is due to chronic pain and now the hospital have got it under contorl. he Got the help he needed and he's back working full time. He's doing really well. He said I've come into his life at the right time. To be honest he has mine too. I feel really close to him.

But our lives couldn't be any different. I've never even smoked a joint. I've never been a rebel. I know that's absolutely acceptable. But I feel abit like why would he want someone so calm and sensible in his life?

I can't shake off the feeling that I'm too boring for him. But when I say it he tells me to behave and that I'm the first women in years he's felt close too.

I hope this doesn't read pathetic and stuff. It's hard to write it all down.

But would you be involved with someone who's dabbled in the badder stuff in the past?

[Chasingpavementss]

Hes living at a friends for six months whilst his friend travels. He's only just recovered this year from his problems so his mates helped him out.

[Infinitethings]

You sound very taken in by all his stories but I would be very wary.

[flaviaritt]

But you’ve not been to his place? Do you know why he’s only renting on a 6 month contract from a mate? Do you know why his marriage broke down? Do you know when his alcohol problems began? Do you know what he got in this ‘trouble’ with the police for?

Honestly, it sounds like a classic case of you being buttered up like a crumpet.

[flaviaritt]

Right...

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

Ok, a few things here.
People who are new in their sobriety shouldn't be in a relationship until a year has passed atleast. Let him do a full years cycle of dates and times that may be triggering for him before committing to a relationship with this man. His sobriety needs to come far before a relationship right now. When he can truly say hes strong in his recovery, then might be a good idea. Christmas is about the biggest holiday where people tend to fall off the wagon, so I'd be quite aware of that one.

I'd also be wary of the kids mums having used them as weapons. One maybe, two who did the same thing? Seems unlikely. The truth may be he was a selfish person who had an issue with alcohol years before the tipping point where it got out of control in his eyes, for years and the children were stopped from having that in their lives (maybe! I wasnt allowed to see my father because of his alcoholism. He denies he had a problem at that point, but I remember him being drunk all the time, I remember being left in a pub when he went home pissed. I remember him not collecting me because he was out drinking. I remember his one night with me, he called my mum to "babysit" because he was going to the pub. My point is people with alcoholism issues are often affecting their children's lives way before they have a problem)

He may have had anger issues in the past.

He may have changed, he may think hes changed but maybe he hasnt.

Take things slowly and judge him on the merits of his actions that you see.
Dont get your children involved until you are certain that he is a person who you want in their lives.

I know alcoholics who put their families through hell with their selfish ways, I also know as many alcoholics who, dry have been absolute family men who have healed their relationships with their families and are very close with them.

Also, to answer your question, you can be with someone who has lead a completely different life to what you have. It can be functional, it can r happy but ultimately you will both likely look at life from very different perspectives. Myself and my husband lead very very different lives before we met, and even now, a point of conflict is our views on things. He tends to be somewhat more naive, whereas I tend to think more negatively.
Our experiences certainly shape us but it isnt always a bad thing.

[Chasingpavementss]

Yes his marriage ended in his 20s.

It's lockdown so no not been to his house yet.

I've been for a walk with him and his dog twice. Seen him at work and chatted to him.

His drinking started last year to cope with his back pain. Then be overdosed 8 months ago and nearly died. That's when he said enough was enough. He's got his pain under contorl and no longer drinks. Works 6 days a week. Has got a dog for company.

I'm not taken in by his stories. I'm wary. But I want to give the guy a chance before writing him off. But yes it's crossing my mind he could be saying things he cant commit too. Ofcourse I think about him going dark again. But what if he just needs to be loved and happy and working again. What if that's exactly what he needs.

But I definitely need to be very careful. I do appreciate that. I'm not committing to anything yet. Just talking. I've not even kissed him. But we really like eachother. Neither of us want to rush.

[Smallsteps88]

When are the 6 months due up on his friends house? If you want to date him, I’d play close attention to what happens then before moving forward with him. without you giving any indication that you are observing or telling him “you can’t stay with me”. Just watch and see what happens, what hints he drops etc.

[AlternativePerspective]

Tbh I think it’s plausible that he could have gone through all of what he says he has. And I think it’s likely that he’s told you about it now because it’s so soon after the event so the wanting to change, realising you want the different life etc is almost like a revelation to him which he wants to share, iyswim?

However, I would also be concerned that because it’s so soon, you end up being a part of his recovery process, so having gone through all this, changing his life, and then meeting a wonderful partner will all just seal the deal for him.

He possibly is genuine, but he likely is still mentally and emotionally very fradgile, and I would be very cautious of getting involved with that.

[Chasingpavementss]

@Inpersuitofhappiness

Thank you for that post. I have taken it on board x

[VainAbigail]

You’ve put so much info on here about this guy, it’s very outing.

[flaviaritt]

My advice is that you are not going to have a future with this man.

[notacooldad]

No I wouldn't .
It was a word that you used to describe him ' definitely complex
I keep my life as simple as I can.. complex often = drama. Thats not for me.

[littlemiceinthecorner]

8 months sober? I’d run a mile

This 1000x.

I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt and second chances. He may be able to truthfully explain the rest of his chaotic life. But I don’t think I’d touch someone who had ever been an alcoholic

[Chasingpavementss]

@VainAbigail

Is it? You know him then?

[FourTeaFallOut]

I think all these changes which you view as evidence that he is living a peaceful life that lend itself to a clam and loving relationship are all very recent.

You might think that you are being kind by ignoring the string of drama and trauma in his past and presenting him with an opportunity for a fresh start but I think you need to think first of self preservation. You have one life, do you want to spend it being a life raft?

[ClaireP20]

Not drank for 8 months?! Run...that is no time at all for an alcoholic.

You have a 'feeling' for a reason. It is your gut instinct. And it is telling you not to get involved. So listen to it.

[HomeSliceKnowsBest]

Yanbu to get to know him through dating, but would be vvvu to introduce him to your kids/move him in to your house when his tenancy ends in 6 months.

[romeolovedjulliet]

sorry but you sound naive and as if you are going to fix him.he's had all these 'seen the light' moments in a very short space of time compared to years of his life. one of ex hs was an alkie and just like the man you describe, had a dodgy life, loved animals and old folk, had a child from a previous relationship who he never saw and claimed his ex was a bitch.
i got in touch with the ex and she had a different story to tell, her son was lovely and we all got on well.
he was an alkie too and was full of i've given it up, well nohe didn't, just learnt how to hide the bottles better, and ran up endless debt [in his
name thankfully] i dumped him on his arse and he went straight on to another woman and fed her the same sob stories, she got in touch with me as there was a letter with my address on. he left her pregnant then he did the decent thing and died from alcohol related problems.
but i did have two great children with him, they barely remember him thankfully.
op, there is a lot of good advice from pp on here, please, please don't come back in a year or two and tell us you've had a child with him and it went toes up during the pregnancy, we don't want that shit out come for you that so many of us have been through.

[S00LA]

You seem very emotionally involved with a man who you have gone for a walk with twice. Yet you spent four hours chatting ( phone ? Online? ) last night.

This is too much way too soon. It’s not going to end well for you. However I don’t think you are going to listen to everyone who has told you this. I think you have come here so you can talk more about him and involve posters on MN in his real or imaginary issues.

I’d rather hear more about you OP. In this entire thread, all you have said about you is that you have never smoked a joint and have been with “ good boys “. That’s all.

Meanwhile we’ve had his entire life story. Why do you think that is?

[FelicityPike]

@Chasingpavementss you wrote in your first post that you were wary....then when EVERYONE agreed that you should be wary and the vast majority told you that they think it’s all bullshit and run for the hills. You then seem to change tack and start trying to big him up and say he’s not bad.
Which is it?
Personally I think you’d be an absolute fool to get further involved and that I would end it right here and now, but maybe that’s just me.
Good luck.

[ClaireP20]

Do you have kids OP?? Please say you don't, it amazes me the sort of men women will have in their kid's lives.

If you have kids, then absolutely not. I'm sure you wouldn't.

If you don't have kids,still no. X

[Spied]

Only very recently sober
Tried to kill himself only last year
Telling you all this even though he hasn't known you that long

These things would make me run a mile.

'I think about him going dark again' is very worrying- almost romanticised. He's not some tragic Heathcliffe figure- you do know that?

PS. He hasn't lived an exciting life- far from it- so please don't compare yourself as being boring.

[romeolovedjulliet]

@VainAbigail

You’ve put so much info on here about this guy, it’s very outing.

op could be talking about my ex h or a 1000 other men,

[LoisWilkersonslastnerve]

If he was taking his recovery from addiction seriously, he wouldn't be in a relationship op. I hope he does well but if I were you I would just deal with the facts as they are and cool it off for now. Judge people on what they do, not what they say.

[longwayoff]

Ohhhh. Just don't. Really. No matter what you think he is now, that's not who he is. He isn't what you want him to be. Look at the litter of his life. Don't become part of it. You can't change him or save him.