Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

nitsandwormsdodger
She is being bullied.

The thing with bullies is they know exactly what they are doing.

I'd imagine other people simply ignore this bully because it's the workplace and they would rather get on with their work and ignore. Nobody wants to give this horrible woman the satisfaction of knowing she's got to them.

It's just like school. Most students can tell you exactly who the bullies are but many will typically ignore the bully being unpleasant if there's not a persistent personal attack because it's often seen as easier than standing up to the bullying who might claim 'I didn't know... it was just a joke... it was just banter...'
Bullies are unpleasant and manipulative.

She sounds like a complete nightmare. You would be justified in telling her to do one . Why should you be worried about being unreasonable when she clearly doesn’t!

If she's talking to you about it while you're actually at your desk working, I'd be inclined to email her - while she's still talking - saying something like 'I don't want to say this out loud and embarrass you, but the sort of personal comments you're making right now are inappropriate and unprofessional. I've tried to make it obvious that I don't wish to discuss such private matters in the office, but I may not have been sufficiently clear. It is highly inappropriate to keep asking someone why they don't have children, or commenting on their age and possible fertility. Let's move on from this, and keep things professional.'

Alternatively, when she asks why aren't getting pregnant, you could say 'I want to concentrate on my job.' When she inevitably pushes the point, give her a pointed look and say 'No, I mean I want to concentrate on my job RIGHT NOW, rather than answering inappropriate personal questions.'

I think you need to be quite careful what you say to her because if she's this much of a bitch then you don't know if she'll try and turn it all around to you.
Maybe just a blunt 'Can you please stop discussing this subject, I'm not comfortable with it' and if she carries on then go to your manager.

Although, I strongly suspect that if I was on the receiving end of this, I'd be more likely to say something childish like 'Who are you? The fertility police?'

She is being an absolute bitch.. the email which a PP wrote about is a good idea. I would take it to the Manager. I had a situation a couple years ago, where a colleague who had recently had a baby asked me what my plans were. But that was a genuinely happy woman who meant no Ill will.. it still hurt coz we were trying and I had not conceived by then.. this is not like that and sounds like it's especially meant to hurt..

@nitsandwormsdodger

This is a pedantic point but you aren't being bullied or harassed until you have asked her to stop and she hasn't How you choose to do that depends on his cunty she is being But you do need to stop her . how come the other ladies haven't sud anything ? I would not listen to this being said in my earshot with lout a word

That's incorrect.

If someone isn't told to stop communicating then yes it could be argued that it doesn't meet the legal threshold of harassment by the police.

There is no such standard or threshold for bullying. If a kid gets pushed around every day at school, teased and laughed at then it's still bullying whether they never say stop it or say stop it every day.

Bullying and harassment aren't the same thing (as in they aren't synonymous descriptions even though both often go hand in hand) and I think it's important to recognise that.

OP is being bullied and has every right to ask for support from her manager. Dealing with conflict affecting the work environment, especially when it's gender or age related, is part of a manager's job.

She’s being a smug bitch. It’s one thing making a misguided comment once or twice but this is consistently being a smug bitch.

What @FredtheFerret said is perfect. Please say it to her and tell us what happens.

I hope you’re ok Op x

I get you dont like confrontation but I think you've took shit off her long enough now.

You dont have to be nasty or confrontational to make your point. Just make sure your sickly sweet and say things in a light jovial way.

When she gives her next comment, just ask "why are you so obsessed about me getting pregnant? To some people it's not the be all end all, I couldn't care less"

And when she says you might be a lonely old woman, say jokingly "well you could be too. Your partner could leave, children put strain on a relationship. I have no problems being alone"

Put on your big girl pants and put this bitch in her place

I agree it’s unacceptable and should be sorted. However if the OP has repeatedly laughed it off and not said to the person that she doesn’t actually find it funny and doesn’t want her to say things like that, isn’t it a bit childish to go running to the manager?

I agree if it carried on after asking her to stop but as a first resort I’d probably just tell the person to f**k off. Why is everyone playing the victim these days and can’t sort their own issues out like grown adults?

However if the OP has repeatedly laughed it off and not said to the person that she doesn’t actually find it funny and doesn’t want her to say things like that, isn’t it a bit childish to go running to the manager?
There is a fairly obvious difference between someone shrugging something off and someone who is obviously engaged and entertained by friendly banter.

Our teenage students manage to understand the difference and I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of adults know the difference too.

Managers are paid to manage. It's not the role of employees to address bullying and sexism in the workplace before it's deemed worthy of raising with a manager.

Let's be real here, nobody would be considering it acceptable if a male colleague was saying 'Ey up love, you better get on with having your kids, not got long left now have you? Haha'. Nobody would be saying 'but you didn't tell him that making intrusive comments about the state of your uterus is upsetting so how was he to know it bothered you... it's a bit childish to speak to your manager before you've clearly told him to refrain from discussing your fertility every other day'

I would say 'I can't have children.' and nothing more and hope it makes her feel like the utter shit that she is.

@goldielockdown2

I would say 'I can't have children.' and nothing more and hope it makes her feel like the utter shit that she is.

The risk with this approach is that it might not shut her up, she might start talking about IVF or adoption.

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable.

I would either say to her something like “it’s rude to ask people about that, don’t ask me again” the next time she makes one of her comments or if you can’t face that go straight to your manager and explain the situation. Ask him / her to keep the whole thing anonymous.

I would also be withdrawing from your colleague in every way possible. Be polite but talk to her only when you have to. She does not sound like a nice person. She may well think you’re jealous but that’s her issue - people who are insensitive and have no boundaries usually assume people are jealous of them when they back away rather than realise it’s the outcome of their own behaviour.

I'd say
"I'm bored of this topic now, let's talk about something else for once"

The last thing you want to do is give her the satisfaction of admitting to infertility or being upset. But this clearly shows you don't want to talk.

Anymore and it's the managers office

One line - "not everyone is lucky enough to get pregnant very easily." And if she doesn't shut up after that she is an insensitive cow.

Make it general rather than personal. e.g. pull her to one side and say something like
"Hi x, I have noticed that you make a lot of comments to me and others about when we are having children etc. Its really exciting for you to be pregnant but I wanted to let you know it comes accross as intrusive and insensitive. Especially when you dont know other peoples personal situation. And I know you wouldnt want to intentionally come across like that. Especially not in a work setting"

I agree if it carried on after asking her to stop but as a first resort I’d probably just tell the person to fk off. Why is everyone playing the victim these days and can’t sort their own issues out like grown adults?

That isn’t a grown-adult attitude. It’s the opposite. You cannot tell a work colleague to fuck off. Nor is the OP “playing the victim”. She is the victim.

@LemonsYellow

I agree if it carried on after asking her to stop but as a first resort I’d probably just tell the person to fk off. Why is everyone playing the victim these days and can’t sort their own issues out like grown adults?

That isn’t a grown-adult attitude. It’s the opposite. You cannot tell a work colleague to fuck off. Nor is the OP “playing the victim”. She is the victim.

Absolutely this, what a ridiculously immature way to behave - suggesting to tell someone at work to fuck off and confusing 'playing' the victim with 'being' the victim.

I would just say oh not yet love I enjoy my freedom and sleep to much

im 22 and pregnant with my second child. there's a woman in my office who is 39 and never had children. non of my business.

irrespective of age, I would NEVER dream of uttering these words, not even once, let alone repeatedly and in such an intrusive and rude way. maybe its the way i've been brought up? maybe I just have morals and respect for other people and don't particularly care what they choose to do or not do with their lives.

I think it's worse that she is pregnant, like she is showing off, or rubbing it in. for all she knows, you don't want children? why is it expected that every woman has a child. of course, from your post you do want children, and therefore I can see why this is horrible for you.

i'm sorry you're experiencing this, however I cant see it stopping unless you raise it as an issue. you sound like a lovely and non confrontational person, however I think you should directly address her, then mention it to your manager, rather than going straight to the manager. if she then carries on and has no shame (sounds that way), id raise it as an actual complaint.

its one thing to have a joke, this is completely unacceptable.

@Thirtyflippingone

Does she do it in earshot of anyone else?

Sometimes. The comment last week that made me cry in the loo was "You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman". She said it in earshot of another colleague who is her 50s and childless not by choice. A few of my colleagues have previously told me that they are childless not by choice, as in have had fertility problems (they brought it up, I didn't ask!), so not sure how they feel about overhearing comments like that.

This is appalling. She's bullying the older woman as well as you - possibly other women too, if she knows about their fertility problems. Is she saying things to you in order to get at everyone else?

(Sorry, haven't RTFT but with 17 pages...)

Maybe you should look up horror birth stories, so are you planning a v or a c section? Oh but what about xyz risks (maybe not...!)

BTW, I've seen stories of women being treated badly, even made redundant, while on mat leave; she should watch her step if she intends to come back, because this could be just the excuse a company needs to get rid of her.

I would tell your manager,and ask her to silence the bitch by saying
wte
" I overheard what you said to thirty. You have been unbelievably crass and tactless. It stops right here".

There is no need at all to explain your personal circumstances.

  If  that doesn't work then I'm afraid  I would fight back with unbelievably crass and tactless comments  about her pregnancy.