Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

How would you deal with it if a man asked you the same thing?
It's no different.
It's not any of her business.
I agree with the poster who said to email. Then you've got it in writing.

Manager and/or HR. Use the term 'workplace bullying' and be very clear that if it isn't addressed immediately you will escalate it.

It is bullying and it's sexist.

@lottiegarbanzo

What I would not be doing is saying anything at all about my own fertility, or anything relating to is at all. It is none of her business. Do NOT 'let her in' to your private life. Do NOT say you find her words upsetting. That's giving her a way in, which she will exploit. She's nosy. She'd probably love to be able to pity you, loudly and often.

You could just go with 'that's a very personal question, isn't it?' But really, I'd just block and reflect it back to her. 'That's really none of your business, is it?'.

That’s not the same as not feeling sensitive about it though.

You are not in the same position as the op so saying you wouldn’t feel sensitive is totally irrelevant.

My response would be

'Do you realise that over 20% of women have fertility issues, so these types of comments could be hurtful to someone in that position'

If she asks about your fertility, simply say 'that's actually none of your business' smile any walk away

Some of these suggestions Please OP, don't be pass-agg or jokey. It's bullying at work and it's not something to piss about with.

Although I think some of the comments from others would be tempting to say as the woman you describe is horrible, please dont use her age or pregnancy to 'insult' her back as youll be falling into the trap of bullying based on protected characteristics which would get you in more trouble than she would be.

The thing is, at your age, I wouldn't have been feeling sensitive about this at all. I'd have thought she was being a self-absorbed idiot. I'd just have said something like 'Really? Well, I suppose that's a point of view. Good luck to you anyway!'

Don't get defensive. You've nothing to defend.

Are you also unable to get pregnant like the op? Do you think that might affect how you respond to that sort of comment?

I'm advising OP that she channel someone who doesn't give a shit and uses that 'act' to respond accordingly. It's a technique for side-stepping her internal feelings and dealing with this woman's behaviour for what it is. This woman's behaviour.

You need to tell your manager before it escalates - if you have told someone higher up then when you do actually snap at her and she goes running to tell tales at least they will have the background info.

I'm really horrible, so I would probably say something like "Because I prefer to spend my life without some screaming brat hanging off my tits" to shut her up. Or the beans/muff comment in the last episode of The Office.

The hope is of course, that by blocking her firmly a few times, she stops.

I personally wouldnt see this as bullying, rather an irritating colleague with boundary issues. Simply shut it down with "that's a bit personal...I dont want to talk about my fertility in the workplace, thanks".

I dont have any advice but this woman sounds like an absolute fucking cow. she will probably also be an awful mother who tries to live her life through her child and doesn't respect them.

i'm sorry OP, this must be awful for you. if i were in your shoes, I'd report to my manager. I'd probably also tell her to fuck off but I'm not going to recommend you do that

Fuck this bitch! She has NO idea what woman go through. Losses, infertility, fertility drugs... not just you OP but people in ear shot.
So, f this b and tell her it’s so inappropriate and to stop. No need to pussyfoot around, just tell her to mind her business

@Brunt0n

“Why are you so obsessed with me?” Is good! “Are you quite alright? You seem really fixated on this, that’s the 3rd time this week” with a tilted head and worried look

THIS!

This is perfect.

I have been in the same situation, and it really hurts. Even though I am not TTC being asked about it a lot has a funny way of making you feel inadequate!

But this response shows that she isn't getting to you but that you think SHE is the one with the problem.

Or indeed 'Why are you so obsessed with my sex life? Bit inappropriate don't you think?!'

OP this woman is a knob. It sounds like she is baiting you to say something so she can blame you for bullying her or discriminating against her on the basis that she is pregnant.

I think you need to:

1. Tell her that she’s being unprofessional and your personal life is not her concern; and
2. report her unprofessional conduct to your manager.

Make sure you keep an electronic log of everything she says to you including date and time.

I would definitely report her, she can’t behave like this. It is unacceptable. Definitely keep your log (maybe send yourself emails so it is date and time stamped?)

I've been in this situation before, and to the lady who wouldn't stop pushing about it, I just looked her straight in the eye and said 'I think that's my business, don't you? I'd appreciate it if you stopped asking me about it.'

She's not asked since, and I don't feel like it damaged our working relationship in any way.

@Thirtyflippingone

I also don't want to end up shouting or crying, as I genuinely think she is actually trying to upset me, and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me lose it.

If that is the case, I'd put in a complaint about her

Log her comments as you have in your op above.
Before you go to your manager you need to have had a go at sorting it yourself.
Be direct but keep it simple. Be polite and respectful. Don’t try to get clever and get one over on her.
I think it’s best to put it in an email to her as soon as she does it again.

‘I don’t think you realise that your repeated comments about me not being pregnant are, at best, inappropriate. So I’m now asking you to stop making them. My personal life is none of your business and I say again, I’m kindly alerting you to the fact that the constant intrusion of your so called advice for my life choices is unnecessary and not at all valued. Thanks.

I’d put money on it that the snide bitch is goading you to flip out at her, so she can go wailing to the boss.

So, if you do say something to her, I’d keep it general and not give her any info about your situation: I don’t think that’s really an appropriate remark in the workplace. Please keep your opinions on fertility to yourself.

Then if she continues, I’d diarise and raise with the line manager.

@HennyLenry

She seriously needs to mind her own business

'We don't all feel the pressure to conform, some of us can think for themselves!'

So she tries to hurt other colleagues as well.

Put a complaint about her.

There is another not very pleasant but very effective solution.

Ask how she feels about the unfortunate and common after effects of pregnancy and birth on ones body:

weak bladder, droopy wrinkled (post breast feeding)boobs, distended vagina, reduced ability to orgasm, exhaustion, weight gain, diabetes, post partum depression/ psychosis, cracked nipples, having a yowling infant who wakes screaming countless times a night ...........

or remind her there is no guarantee of a live birth or of a woman surviving the birth.

I am generally quietly and well spoken and bullies mistake this for my being a soft touch. A crisp cruel retort shuts them down very efficently.

What she is saying is so inconsiderate and she needs to be made aware. It sounds like she needs to be informed how thoughtless her actions are. I’d speak to her gently in the first instance and then if no impact, I’d discuss with your manager. In any event, someone needs to pull her up on this.