Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

[Vangoghimnot1]

It’s totally unacceptable op and so sorry you have had to deal with this. I would absolutely speak to your manager, you shouldn’t have to deal with this.
FWIW she sounds like she’s scared of her life changing as it sounds like she’s trying to make herself feel better by making you feel bad. Maybe say to her how much you enjoy sleeping , going on holidays where you actually get to relax etc....

[coffeelover3]

I think that escalating it to the manager wont really work and it could backfire. Manager could end up saying something inappropriate or not wording it right. TBH I think the only thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore. Build a very thick skin, and if you're feeling strong, say one of the things mentioned above - either in a 'funny' way or else just straight out - I'm terrible at confrontation too, so when I had an awkward colleague who used to ask incredibly personal questions, I just distanced myself from her - pure politeness, 'how are you' 'nice day' and practised saying 'mm, mm, mm, sorry what did you say' - she'll soon get tired of annoying you and hopefully take her focus off of you. If you show any emotion or rise to her I feel it will only feed her and make it worse.

It's true that in all the bullying workshops and workplace statements they say 'you have to report it' but often that just does not help - talking from experience here! And it's true we might need to think of more creative ways of dealing with it - ds is being annoyed by the boy that has been put beside him - insidious stuff, like throwing his pencil case around, insisting ds sit right at the edge of the table because he needs more 'room' , accusing ds of farting in front of everyone, and then laughing about it with all the boys. I said to ds he should tell someone - but he said that that will only make it worse, and I kinda agree with him, sad but true. You have to develop a kinda 'armour' to protect yourself against people like this. Good luck

[IntermittentParps]

I think that escalating it to the manager wont really work and it could backfire. Manager could end up saying something inappropriate or not wording it right. TBH I think the only thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore. Build a very thick skin, and if you're feeling strong, say one of the things mentioned above - either in a 'funny' way or else just straight out

Waht terrible advice.

[IntermittentParps]

What

[Goostacean]

I literally attended a workshop this morning on assertiveness. The script is:
I like that... but what’s not working is... I need you to... If you do... If you don’t...
Fill it in, one sentence or so for each point, PRACTISE (you’d be amazed how much that helps) and then say it calmly and with a smile. Assertive doesn’t need to mean aggressive, and you will feel in control - and she will stop as you will make the consequences clear.

“Pregnantbitch, I like that you feel comfortable talking about pregnancy due to your circumstances. What’s not working for me is your personal remarks, which I find intrusive [do not start with “but” as it immediately signals confrontation]. I need you to stop making personal comments, and then we can enjoy our normal working relationship. If you don’t, I’m afraid I will need to speak to [line manager/HR].

[NewlyGranny]

Keep it impersonal, I reckon. Choose a time when she hasn't just said anything intrusive and insensitive and ask her to give you a moment for a quiet chat. than say something like:

I notice you've got into the habit of making inappropriate personal comments and asking intrusive personal questions centred around pregnancy and babies. You do it to me regularly and for all I know you may be doing the same to other women in the company, too. Certainly at least one other woman has overheard what you were saying to me and may have been affected by it.

I've been shrugging it off and ignoring your inquisitiveness, perhaps for too long, but I need to make clear to you what you should already know: your comments and questions are thoroughly unprofessional and have no place at work.

It's lovely that you're pregnant and excited about it, but you should consider that you do not know the history and circumstances of other women at work. You have no idea if the person you are targetting has a history that includes a stillbirth, for example, or a string of miscarriages or a condition that leaves her infertile. You don't know whether another woman might have experienced the loss of a child in infancy or childhood. For all you know, your comments might be causing pain to others or even making them dread coming to work and facing your repeated inquisitions about their fertility.

A woman might hesitate to ask you to stop in case it meant she had to reveal painful personal information that could be overheard and thus become general knowledge or even the topic of gossip.

I am telling you that this sort of talk needs to stop. Your behaviour amounts to bullying of a colleague or colleagues. If you continue, I will have no option but to report the matter to my manager and upward to HR.

Or it might be better as an email if you think she will interrupt. Either way, she is likely to turn on the tears and play victim, so be ready to be protrayed as the wicked witch of the west! It might be better, for that reason, to approach your manager forst with the text of your complaint plus examples of what she's actually said, ideally noted at the time in a little book, dated and signed. That way you're not the baddie.

Good luck!

[Tinacollada]

What a horrible way for her to speak to you.

What gives her the idea that your choices would be any of her business?

[Topseyt]

I think that escalating it to the manager wont really work and it could backfire. Manager could end up saying something inappropriate or not wording it right. TBH I think the only thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore

What the manager says or doesn't say is entirely their own problem, nobody else's and certainly not OP's.

This twatty behaviour needs to be stamped out, not ignored. Believe it or not, there are people around who think it is fine to poke their beaks into the private lives of others like this. Pregnancy and children, or absence of, seems to be fair game and they don't even think that it might be insensitive or offensive.

So they need to be told. Bluntly, or nothing will change.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@nitsandwormsdodger

This is a pedantic point but you aren't being bullied or harassed until you have asked her to stop and she hasn't
How you choose to do that depends on his cunty she is being
But you do need to stop her . how come the other ladies haven't sud anything ? I would not listen to this being said in my earshot with lout a word

SERIOUSLY @nitsandwormsdodger? I was bullied from the age of 10 until I left senior school at 16 to go to sixth form college. Up until today, only one person has made me feel as if the bullying was my fault, and that was my mum.

But congratulations - with that truly appalling, victim-blaming statement, you have become the second person to tell me I was responsible for what happened to me - and by extension, all the psychological effects from it (depression, anxiety, low self esteem) that have blighted my life.

Or maybe, just maybe, the victim of the bullying is too afraid to say stop. Or they know that the bullies won’t stop if they are asked.

[lemonsquashie]

Insensitive thoughtless person 😡

[BerylSilverstone]

She sounds quite nasty. Strange that she’s so obsessed about something which is no one’s business but your own. I wonder if in some way she is perhaps just feeling a bit nervous about impending motherhood and is looking for someone to be in the same boat? Or trying to justify her decisions to herself I.e not being alone when older etc. I’m not excusing it in any way by the way, she is being very rude and insensitive.
I’m very lucky to have 2 lovely kids but parenting can be tough! Perhaps she has been hearing some of the realities, no sleep etc etc ( people often seem eager to give you that dose of reality when you’re pregnant!)
I personally would tell her you’re tired of her asking these inappropriate questions and that if she doesn’t stop you’ll speak to your manager.

[Daffodil21]

What @NewlyGranny said is perfect.

I would absolutely lose my shit if someone said all that to me

[StickTheKettleOnAlice]

Sounds to me like she unsure of her pregnancy maybe if she is so keen to quiz you op. She is pregnant in her twenties and you have waited (unbeknown to her with fertility issues) and she is jealous.

[VodselForDinner]

As a very experienced HR professional my advice is:
Tell her her comments are not appreciated or appropriate and state that you do not wish to discuss the issue with her.
Do not engage with her in a jokey manner.
Speak to your manager or HR if it continues.

As a woman in her late 30s who has chosen not to have children, my advice is to absolutely humiliate her next time she says something.
My go-to is “I’m sorry, why are you asking me about my sex life?”
Or keep asking a combination of “why” or “what do you mean” every time she says something. She’ll have to explain herself and will look like an even bigger fool.

[pinktophat]

That is just appalling.

I would not enter into any discussion with her about it. Just be clear and calm and say 'I don't want you to speak to me like this again. I don't want any further jokey or non-jokey comments about me. I don't like it and I want it to stop.'

Some people can be so thoughtless and horrendous.

[BitOfFun]

@Goostacean has the right idea. I'd keep it brief like that (rather than @NewlyGranny's suggestion, which is bang on but far too long, IMO), especially as you are so anxious about directly addressing this woman in the office. Keep it snappy, and rehearse it beforehand.

[itsgettingcoldoutside]

Omg someone I knew was like this when I got married.
She would never shut up until I told her I couldn't have children.
That all changed though, and I did end up having my dd. However these people are just so over the top.
I would tell her to fuck off and maybe she should worry about her own body clock.

[nancybotwinbloom]

Just tell her politely you have had enough of her comments and you want her to stop making them and to mind her own business.

Anymore comments from her tell her to bore off and tell her your looking forward to her taking maternity for as long as fucking possible.

Stupid insensitive bitch.

[Winterwoollies]

Honestly OP, listen the the PPs saying to preempt her inevitable histrionics by talking to HR and laying the groundwork. Then tell her, or put it in writing, that she is being extremely inappropriate and you are finding it difficult. She sounds like a nightmare but protect yourself professionally and emotionally.

[midsomermurderess]

I think that Goostacean has pretty much nailed it. Calm, non-confrontational and a consequence attached. Passive aggressive people hate their behaviour being exposed so she might well splutter about how she's only joking, don't be so serious. Leave her to that.

[WeatherwaxOn]

Pisses me off royally when people do this.
I got married at 27, but didn't want kids. Every few months someone or other would say something...after 10 years they stopped asking.
Now have 1 DC, some time on from that 10yr point.

It's rude and intrusive. I'd either ask her why she was so interested, or be tempted to say that some people have issues with fertility.
Case in point is a friend of a friend from a different religious background. She has had multiple miscarriages. Her first husband divorced her because she was 'no good for breeding'. With her second husband I'm aware of her having at least 4 failed pregnancies. I can't imagine how she would feel if someone was grilling her the way your colleague is you.

[YorkshireGirl35]

Haven’t read the thread but she’s a brainless thoughtless moron

[sneakysnoopysniper]

You say you are a people pleaser. Unfortunately the meek do not inherit the earth - only the dirt.

The problem with bullying of this sort is that the person does not KNOW they are being a bully and would probably be shocked by the accusation. Also, not knowing the ethos of your workplace, some lisence may be granted there to women who are pregnant. So the posters who have said to avoid clever dick remarks and stratagems are giving you good advice.

So I would tell her calmly, either in private or before colleagues (if she spouts out her next remark in front of workmates) that you consider her remarks inappropriate for a workplace and that you are asking her to desist. Then immediately close the conversation by physically leaving. Thats the secret to ending an akward conversation. If the advice is not followed that gives you all the moral high ground to go to HR/manager.

I can tell you that as a manager I would deal with this pretty quickly and firmly if i overheard a team member making such remarks to a workmate.

[Noranorav]

If you don't feel comfortable to say something directly definitely have a word with your LM with examples. I would personally go down the calm/assertive route ie 'that's personal information and I feel uncomfortable with the comments you are making - please can you stop' as a starter for ten. Often these people actually rely on other's discomfort to get away with these comment ie because they don't expect to get called out on it. Amazing how quickly the direct approach works. If it still doesn't stop after that, then straight to LM/HR.

[DisorganisedPurpose]

Look you've asked me about this so many times and its getting boring now and rather irritating. Don't ask me again.