Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

@BeautifulPascal

There is another not very pleasant but very effective solution.

Ask how she feels about the unfortunate and common after effects of pregnancy and birth on ones body:

weak bladder, droopy wrinkled (post breast feeding)boobs, distended vagina, reduced ability to orgasm, exhaustion, weight gain, diabetes, post partum depression/ psychosis, cracked nipples, having a yowling infant who wakes screaming countless times a night ...........

or remind her there is no guarantee of a live birth or of a woman surviving the birth.

I am generally quietly and well spoken and bullies mistake this for my being a soft touch. A crisp cruel retort shuts them down very efficently.

Don't do this OP. You will end up in a lot more trouble then her

I'd say to her "there is NO way I'd have a baby in my 20's" it's way too early and I want to live my life first, not spend my whole 20's and 30's knee deep in nappies"

Disclaimer: It's OK to have babies in your 20's of course. I'd just give her some shit back to make her shut TFU

Every time she's eating start commenting on how she should be watching what she eats.

"Ooo should you be eating that biscuit don't want to put on anymore excess weight"

"Are you worried you're going to be a bit chubby after baby"

Petty I know, but she's a bitch. Deserved in my opinion. I'm currently pregnant and wouldn't dream of saying things that she's saying to you. Nasty cow. You don't have to stoop to her level of course but sometimes it's the only thing that works on nasty people. Being just as nasty back.

Please speak to her and ask her to stop making comments or you will raise this with your manager. It is incredibly insensitive of her and there are lots of reasons why people don't have children.

It is absolutely nothing to do with anyone apart from you and she is totally out of order.

I agree, you need to knock her down a peg, she clearly thinks she’s some goddess of fertility and is trying to make you feel like a barren spinster in comparison. I’d be saying “actually some of us have greater aspirations in life than just being a broodmare”.

Disclaimer: there's nothing wrong with putting on a bit of weight after pregnancy, and eating biscuits during I've just gobbled 4 with my cup of tea.

Insulting her back, or being nasty to her, would be really stupid. She would probably, rightly raise a complaint for bullying.

Please don't give her the amunition of realising that you want children and are having difficulties, she is not a nice person as no one would say those comments if they had an iota of concern...protect your real feelings and deflect.

A few of the Silverbirchwithout 's comments should do it.

Subtly unleash your inner bitch.....

My script would be

"Listen. This is serious, you need to stop making comments like this, not just to me, not just at work but to any woman, ever. Don't you know that more than 1 in 7 couples have difficulty conceiving and 1 in 8 pregnancies end in miscarriage? Your comments are insensitive and totally inappropriate. No woman owes you any explanation as to why they are childless. You need to stop, and if you don't it will become a disciplinary matter."

@MolotovMocktail

I agree, you need to knock her down a peg, she clearly thinks she’s some goddess of fertility and is trying to make you feel like a barren spinster in comparison. I’d be saying “actually some of us have greater aspirations in life than just being a broodmare”.

Do not say that. That will get the OP on a disciplinary charge.

This one works well in work situations.

In reply you chuckle, or a gentle laugh and while smiling you say "don't you think the jokes wearing a bit thin now?"

later you can try "the same joke again?" "are you ok?"

I would
a - document as much as possible from memory, with dates and times / context where possible
b - go direct to manager, they are there to deal with these issues and that's why they get paid more. Point out you think it was insensitive to colleagues, too.
c - grey rock the bullying mare

This IS bullying.

I would be eating lots of sushi and pate and drinking lovely strong coffee and champagne in front of her
But seriously what a bitch.

Ask her why she keeps asking you the same question over and over? It's weird 🤨

Ask her why she thinks that everybody wants the same things in life that she does.

I think this would definitely be considered harassment in my country and the person would be in trouble.
Is this kind of things allowed to carry on in UK?

@Bluetrews25

I would a - document as much as possible from memory, with dates and times / context where possible b - go direct to manager, they are there to deal with these issues and that's why they get paid more. Point out you think it was insensitive to colleagues, too. c - grey rock the bullying mare

This IS bullying.

This.

So sorry OP, she sounds so horrible

I’m reminded of the time my colleague (A) was asked by another colleague (B) at work when she was going to have children. A didn’t even have a partner at the time. A looked at B with bewilderment and said “but why would I want to do that? My life would be over”.

So many people seem to think that the way to deal with this sort of behaviour is to be passive aggressive or snide. That's likely to exacerbate things or blow up in your face. Be direct, say what you want, calmly, and end it by saying I don't expect to have to say this again. It might be frightening the first couple of times you are assertive but fake it. When you see how effective it is, it's a revelation.

I don’t think it’s a case for involving a manager if you’ve been “laughing it off”

Why’s everyone so quick to go and grass to the teacher - just grow some balls and tell her to shut up because she’s being a dick

Before you go to your manager you need to have had a go at sorting it yourself.

No she doesn't. It's a work issue and the manager is paid to manage it.

I personally wouldnt see this as bullying, rather an irritating colleague with boundary issues. You are simply wrong and your advice is worse than useless. It is bullying. Here's the definition:

'unwanted conduct affecting the dignity of men and women in the workplace. It may be related to age, sex, race, disability, religion, sexual orientation, nationality or any personal characteristic of the individual, and may be persistent or an isolated incident. The key is that the actions or comments are viewed as demeaning and unacceptable to the recipient. Bullying may be characterised as offensive, intimidating, malicious or insulting behaviour, an abuse or misuse of power through means intended to undermine, humiliate, denigrate or injure the recipient.'

In the OP's case it is related to age, sex and arguably the personal characteristic of currently having pregnancy/fertility-related health issues.

The OP (and more to the point her employers) must take this seriously.

i'xll feel sorry for her dc growing up with the sarky digs, because if she's like this with you you can bet she's like it with others.
by the way colleague you may be pregnant, but you're nobody special.

If as you’ve said she’s the type to run off crying crocodile tears then I would speak to your manager before you say something to her. I think the ‘why are you so obsessed with my womb’ comment is fine.

I would go straight to the manager, get them to deal with it for you and they should instruct her never to mention it to you again even to apologise.

I wouldn't go for a lot of the suggestions as you could come across as vulnerable or over the top. I'd just be blunt and tell her to give it a rest and stop being rude or you'll report her for bullying.

I suspect she'll just say she's joking, and can't you tell it's just a joke. I'd just respond by saying you don't find it funny and mocking women for their age isn't generally seen as a funny topic.

Laugh it off and tell her it really isn't her concern and maybe make some comments to her changing the subject like" 'you better catchup on your sleep now while you have a chance' etc see how she likes you interfering. I'm so sorry OP what an insensitive awful woman. If it continues have a word with your manager too.