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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

458 replies

Thirtyflippingone · 25/11/2020 23:58

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

OP posts:
gypsywater · 26/11/2020 12:51

Alright @IntermittentParps keep your hair on...we are all allowed an opinion Grin

Topseyt · 26/11/2020 12:52

Stop laughing her remarks off. That might make her think that you don’t mind and think it is just "banter", which it isn’t.

Instead, tell her bluntly that this intrusion into your personal life is unacceptable and that she should mind her own business from now onwards. Tell her that you don’t expect to have to keep reminding her of that but will make an official report if it keeps happening.

If she continues then go to your manager. This is a form of bullying. I don’t know whether she intends it to be so, or if she is simply thoughtless and with no concept of boundaries. Either way, it needs to stop. Immediately.

StickTheKettleOnAlice · 26/11/2020 12:55

I wouldn't let her know her comments have affected you though just that it is unacceptable. She might want to get to you or why else make repetitive comments like that

IntermittentParps · 26/11/2020 12:56

gypsywater, unfortunately in this case the opinion that it isn't bullying is simply factually wrong.

I am being really humourless about this, I know. I'm not always so po-faced! But it's important to take this stuff seriously and to be well-informed; the OP/everyone needs to know their rights so we can protect ourselves.

gypsywater · 26/11/2020 13:03

@IntermittentParps I was saying that I personally would not find this to be bullying if those comments were directed to me. That kind of shit is quite normal where I work unfortunately Grin Everyone is of course different!

HyggeHeart · 26/11/2020 13:07

I would start documenting each comment, just to give you a safety net should you lose your temper with her. it will be useful to show just how persistent these comments are.
Once you have this, I would also speak to your manager.
In the meantime, I remember someone on here saying they play ex husband bingo based on his digs and comments and it really took the sting out of them and gave some power back. So biological clock - 1 point, lonely old age - 1 pt, career - 1pt etc. Then a treat for yourself when you have a full house. It's daft but might help a little.

IntermittentParps · 26/11/2020 13:08

gypsy, you may personally decide not to recognise it as bullying, or to respond as though it is, but the fact remains that it is. This is important and so I make no apology for banging on about it. I wish you worked at a nicer workplace; or would make a stand against it.

Daffodil21 · 26/11/2020 13:10

@KihoBebiluPute

My script would be

"Listen. This is serious, you need to stop making comments like this, not just to me, not just at work but to any woman, ever. Don't you know that more than 1 in 7 couples have difficulty conceiving and 1 in 8 pregnancies end in miscarriage? Your comments are insensitive and totally inappropriate. No woman owes you any explanation as to why they are childless. You need to stop, and if you don't it will become a disciplinary matter."

It's actually 1 in 4
Londonmummy66 · 26/11/2020 13:11

I'd suggest raising informally with manager along the lines of - its getting to be a bit of an embarassing situation as X is publically making ageist comments about peoples' body clocks and fertility, Not quite sure what to say given that she's pregnant but it is really unprofessional of her and needs nipping in the bud - what should I do/say next time she raises it with me?

Alternatively, next time she raises it tell her that the team are all trying to co-ordinate their maternity leave so that you can all be off together leaving her to cover for all of you when she gets back from hers....

gypsywater · 26/11/2020 13:14

@IntermittentParps I guess people have different thresholds for what bothers them or not. If the OP perceives it as bullying then of course she should take it further. 100%. Noone should be made to feel shit at work by colleagues.

LemonsYellow · 26/11/2020 13:16

@RayOfSunshine2013

I don’t think it’s a case for involving a manager if you’ve been “laughing it off”

Why’s everyone so quick to go and grass to the teacher - just grow some balls and tell her to shut up because she’s being a dick

“Grass to teacher”? Are you ten? The OP cannot tell a work colleague she is “being a dick” - even if she is. That is completely unprofessional.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/11/2020 13:18

Some good suggestions on this thread, @Thirtyflippingone - and I don't blame you at all for finding her questions intrusive and rude.

In your place I might say something like:

"Sandra - this is the umpteenth time you have made a comment like this - please stop asking me about this as I am finding it offensive and rude! I don't want to have to escalate this to our manager."

IntermittentParps · 26/11/2020 13:19

gypsy, it is irrelevant what bothers the OP or what would bother someone else and it's not about perception. There is a definition of bullying and that is what is happening to the OP. It couldn't be clearer or more simple. These things are in place precisely so that there can be no hiding behind 'Oh, you're just taking it wrong' or 'I didn't mean it like that' or 'it's just banter.'

Of course whether someone decides to act on it or not is up to them. But it is important that we all know what is actually legislated for.

Italiangreyhound · 26/11/2020 13:19

Agree with billybagpuss "Don’t play games or try and use some of the funny retorts (some of which have been brilliant though) you sound like you are likely to get flustered and there is a possibility that whatever you say may backfire on you with you being reported for bullying.

Mention it to management and let them deal with it."

and

ThumbWitchesAbroad "Report her for harassment.,, It's harassment on the basis of SEX not gender. Gender is not a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act, SEX is."

and

shbrownsandwich "Go to your line manager/HR and be factual. Otherwise she will play the pregnancy card and they won't touch her."

Wishimaywishimight · 26/11/2020 13:22

"Can you stop banging on about this, it's getting incredibly boring." might do the trick...

ScabbyHorse · 26/11/2020 13:24

This is bullying as it is repeated over time, it is a serious problem. You have every right to report it. Your workplace should have a policy on this kind of thing. They should take it seriously.

LemonsYellow · 26/11/2020 13:24

Yes, do not say your are feeling it / finding it / thinking it is offensive / unprofessional, etc. It simply is offensive / unprofessional etc. Your thoughts and feelings about it muddy the waters. Keep it factual.

HannaYeah · 26/11/2020 13:34

Just say “Ann, you have asked me that so many times I’ve lost count. It’s making me really uncomfortable to have such a personal topic brought up at work. I’m asking you to stop.”

I know this is really difficult, but you can do it. Better and easier this way than having your manager and HR involved.

Whyemseeaye · 26/11/2020 13:38

I'd say something along the lines of -

I find it really weird that for some people, having children is the end all, and end all.

I don't worry about being looked after in my old age because I'll have loads of money tucked away as i have no child related costs.

I'm actually living MY BEST LIFE! But thanks for your concern!

I had so much of this before I had children. I used to turn it back in them and ask whether they worried about missing out of all the fun stuff I was able to do.

Stick that where the sun doesn't shine!!!

berrygirlie · 26/11/2020 13:42

Don't make it personal and don't be passive aggressive. I think some PPs are suggesting what they wish they could do or say, but you should not escalate or retort - for your sake, not hers.

Ask her politely not to mention it again, write down everything she's said (as well as making a note of anyone who's witnessed it or been affected by her beahviour) and if she keeps going on about it, go to your manager / make a complaint.

berrygirlie · 26/11/2020 13:43

*behaviour, oops

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/11/2020 13:46

I would give her a cheeky answer back or embarrass her.

Derbee · 26/11/2020 14:04

People like @RayOfSunshine2013 talking about “grassing to the teacher” just goes to show that bullying doesn’t end at school. It is astounding that adults bully in the workplace, but that is exactly what’s happening here.

If I was a manager and overheard it, I would have a conversation with her, even without a complaint being made. It’s absolutely unacceptable.

nitsandwormsdodger · 26/11/2020 14:07

This is a pedantic point but you aren't being bullied or harassed until you have asked her to stop and she hasn't
How you choose to do that depends on his cunty she is being
But you do need to stop her . how come the other ladies haven't sud anything ? I would not listen to this being said in my earshot with lout a word

Derbee · 26/11/2020 14:09

Bullying is usually defined as behaviour that is repeated, intended to hurt someone physically or emotionally, and often aimed at certain groups, in this case based on gender and age.

It is bullying, and any decent manager will help you put a stop to it