Page 9 | AIBU about his kidd xmas day?

MyWitzEnd · 2020-11-25T20:57:21+00:00

DH has two kids aged 21 and 18. This year they are coming to is supposedly for xmas. DH has just told me that his DD wants them to come on the 23rd and go home on the 25th. This would mean i would be in my own for nearly three hours xmas day as he does the round trip. I had bo choice other than to agree and now feel mean at feeling cross.

TriflePudding · 26/11/2020 15:57

Well it’s a catch 22 really OP because either you get left for a few hours on Xmas day or your DH has less time to see the other important people in his life on Christmas day.

As everyone in this scenario is an adult then the question is whose wishes should trump whose ? Why not support your DH to have this time with with his adult children and you keep Boxing Day just for you?

aSofaNearYou · 26/11/2020 16:03

I think looking at it from a balanced viewpoint a lot of the responses on here probably come from people's different approaches to Christmas Day. All the talk of having long baths and sitting alone looking at Christmas presents is really alien to me, the Christmas' I have partaken in have all been based around sitting together and playing games etc. The way people are describing their Christmas Days here sounds more like Boxing Day to me.

It's also a day for staying in one place. I'm aware some people drop in on various relatives on Christmas Day, but growing up with family that all live an hour+ away, you travelled to a base on Christmas Eve and stayed in one place on Christmas Day, and usually saw the other side of the family on Boxing Day or thereafter. You wouldn't expect someone to drive this kind of distance for you in the middle of Christmas Day unless it was some sort of emergency.

I can see why this wouldn't seem like a big deal to people who celebrate Christmas in the way a lot of people on Mumsnet seem to do, but to me (and plenty of others) this drive would be a big ask and not one an 18/21 should be making. It isn't childish or needy, it's just different expectations of grown up children and different ways of celebrating.

NoPainNoTartine · 26/11/2020 16:07

It's MN, some posters are adamant that children should be kicked out and independent the second they turn 18.

It's not healthy. It doesn't matter if they are adults, they are still your kids (the DH"s kids in this instance). If their dad is happy to have them for a little while and then drop them off, what's the problem?

Fair enough to put the OP first on her birthday, their wedding anniversary or even New Year's Eve. It's about Christmas. Of course the children should come first, nothing more depressing that kids who choose not to spend that day with their own parents (unless they take turn with their partners family each year)

Plus it's 3 hours, it's really not such a big deal, it's not like the DH is going cycling for the day.

aSofaNearYou · 26/11/2020 16:17

It's MN, some posters are adamant that children should be kicked out and independent the second they turn 18

And some posters are adamant that children should still have the consideration of a 5 year old by the time they turn 18. I don't expect them to be kicked out or fully independent, but I do expect them to have the awareness and compassion for others to think to themselves "asking dad to be in the car all afternoon is a bit rubbish, since I can't take myself this year I'll wait until Boxing Day". I would certainly expect that from the 21 year old.

And in my experience, people in the real world tend to expect far more from their young adult children than people on MN do, this is not a place with unusually high expectations.

Nousernameforme · 26/11/2020 16:19

If your DP has agreed to it then there's nothing you can do. What time will he be driving them back? Just focus on having the rest of Christmas day and boxing day for the two of you together.

1forAll74 · 26/11/2020 16:19

You can't be alone for three hours, oh my word, that is so sad.!

NoPainNoTartine · 26/11/2020 16:20

or maybe they reasonably thought that it is a bit shit not to see your own dad on Christmas Day... and more importantly, maybe the dad is very happy about the arrangement?

Have you asked him before judging? Of course not.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 26/11/2020 16:26

They are adult children now, it is not healthy for them to put them above his partner throughout their adult life

18 and 21/ It's not like they are in their 40's, ffs. Only in bizarro MN land are kids adults on their 18th birthday.

dontdisturbmenow · 26/11/2020 16:30

the Christmas' I have partaken in have all been based around sitting together and playing games etc
Yes, when you have the whole family, but I'm not sure it applies as such when it's only couples.

Pumpertrumper · 26/11/2020 16:34

I love how different my stage of life is. As a pregnant mum of a small child I’d literally snap my DH’s hand off for him to take DS anywhere alone for 3 hours.

Wouldn’t even ask where... I’ve already packed them a lunch and waved them off in my head.
I’m mentally in a peaceful bath.

Bibidy · 26/11/2020 16:39

I wouldn't be happy about this and I think his kids are being unreasonable to ask your OH to do a journey like that on Christmas Day too.

He should drop them Boxing Day morning.

upsidedownwavylegs · 26/11/2020 16:40

I don’t believe half the people on this thread really believe this ‘just have a bath, you selfish cow’ stuff they’re spouting. As for “only on MN are kids adults on their 18th birthday”, wait until you find out that some people expect their children to be considerate about lift requests in their early teens.

mummmy2017 · 26/11/2020 16:41

Maybe move your big meal to Christmas Eve, and have left overs on Christmas Day.
That way your DH can have a drink with his meal and you won't be left alone.
Christmas day just pretend it's Boxing Day and eat, wish they well, go have a bath and plan a great supper for DH when he gets home .

andtheHossyourodeinon · 26/11/2020 16:43

I don’t believe half the people on this thread really believe this ‘just have a bath, you selfish cow’ stuff they’re spouting

Believe it. Dude wants to spend some of Xmas with his kids, is happy to drive them around to facilitate. His missus isn't happy as she'll be alone for a couple of hours.
Vast majority of people are going to say boo bloody hoo, get over yourself. Natural response.

upsidedownwavylegs · 26/11/2020 16:46

@andtheHossyourodeinon

I don’t believe half the people on this thread really believe this ‘just have a bath, you selfish cow’ stuff they’re spouting

Believe it. Dude wants to spend some of Xmas with his kids, is happy to drive them around to facilitate. His missus isn't happy as she'll be alone for a couple of hours.
Vast majority of people are going to say boo bloody hoo, get over yourself. Natural response.

It’s actually not natural to be a total arse for no reason. Sorry someone taught you it was, dude.

VinylDetective · 26/11/2020 16:51

So they want to see both their parents on Christmas Day. How fucking unreasonable of them

They are not bloody two, they are adults albeit young ones and they are being very selfish not thinking of the impact on their poor Dad's Christmas Day

On the other hand they could be very unselfish by not wanting their mum to be alone on Christmas Day. I usually find there are two sides to everything.

The roads will be bloody bliss on Christmas Day, so quiet.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 26/11/2020 16:54

It’s actually not natural to be a total arse for no reason. Sorry someone taught you it was, dude

no clue what you're spaffing about, its an aibu, being answered. No arsing, lots of reason.
Are you lost?

unmarkedbythat · 26/11/2020 16:55

I would find that upsetting and I would think the person expecting to be transported around on Xmas Day instead of allowing the whole household to relax and celebrate it together to be somewhat rude and selfish. But when DH said that was what his daughter wanted, I wouldn't have pretended to be OK with it, I would have said that of course it was his choice but that I would find it upsetting. I expect most of the pp pretending not to understand why you aren't delighted by this would also be less than impressed with it in your shoes. I also think you'd get a lot more sympathy if you weren't the step mother, tbh.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 26/11/2020 16:59

They are not bloody two, they are adults albeit young ones and they are being very selfish not thinking of the impact on their poor Dad's Christmas Day

Or they asked him if it was ok with him, and it was. Òr he offered.
Something wrong with you if you assume it has to be that they are horrible people who force poor old Dad to do their bidding.

NoPainNoTartine · 26/11/2020 17:02

I agree. Dad is happy about the arrangement made with his kids at Christmas, is taking care of it and doesn't expect his partner to become the taxi driver or anything like that.

No one has been shown as inconsiderate here.

unmarkedbythat · 26/11/2020 17:02

@andtheHossyourodeinon

I don’t believe half the people on this thread really believe this ‘just have a bath, you selfish cow’ stuff they’re spouting

Believe it. Dude wants to spend some of Xmas with his kids, is happy to drive them around to facilitate. His missus isn't happy as she'll be alone for a couple of hours.
Vast majority of people are going to say boo bloody hoo, get over yourself. Natural response.

If Xmas is not just any other day and is important enough to the "dude" to want to spend some of it with his kids, then I'm sure you can understand why it might be important enough to his wife that she is not happy that she will be left alone for three hours of it. The idea is that it is supposed to be a day of celebration with people? If it's just a day and she is unreasonable to be upset about being left alone for a decent chunk of it, then it's just a day and it really doesn't matter whether he sees his kids on it or not. Right?

Melaniaswig · 26/11/2020 17:04

I totally understand your frustration, having been in a similar situation with a step child. It was never fun driving for two and half hours one way, whilst the child’s mother drove 20 minutes to drop off and collect on Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

We’ve always had a great relationship with my husband’s ex but it was still frustrating. Fortunately the child is an adult now so transports himself.

I know people say “well that’s what you signed up for”, but that doesn’t necessarily make it easier.

I would let him do the running around and sit and relax whilst your husband sorts out the transport.

I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel 💐

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2020 17:06

@MyWitzEnd what time is Dh going.

andtheHossyourodeinon · 26/11/2020 17:06

f Xmas is not just any other day and is important enough to the "dude" to want to spend some of it with his kids, then I'm sure you can understand why it might be important enough to his wife that she is not happy that she will be left alone for three hours of it. The idea is that it is supposed to be a day of celebration with people? If it's just a day and she is unreasonable to be upset about being left alone for a decent chunk of it, then it's just a day and it really doesn't matter whether he sees his kids on it or not. Right?

No,. not at all right. In the real world there are always accomodations, adaptations, you faciliate others. OP wants it all her way, fuck the 3+ other people. Well, tough, that's not how life works.

pictish · 26/11/2020 17:11

I suspect that having had them over for a couple of days already you’ll be delighted to enjoy some peace after they have left, whether it’s Christmas Day or not. You’ll pop the telly on and fall asleep in blissful peace...or is it just me who is exhausted by entertaining?
It’ll be fine.